My husband had to have his doctor fill out a form for DMV. It's the beginning process of taking away his driver's license. He's depressed. Any advice?

All you can do is say you agree it is sad. How about plan a few day a week outing. Take a bus or contact senior van service. And go somewhere near or a bit farther and show him travel is still possible

The driving issue is a big one. When faced with the doctor’s verdict (at 92) my mother gave up her will. Lapsed into withdrawal and focused on negativity as her hobby. Her friends would encourage her attitude by relentlessly repeating that “I” had to understand that it was a loss of “independence”.

I advocate “freedom” to focus on other things besides struggling a walker into the backseat and navigating traffic to get three cans of cat food.

Focus on a strategy that allows for the best possible outcome.

Everyone is different. Having alternative transportation available when he wants it and needs it is important and may help him adjust. Unfortunately we live in a world where affordable transportation for elderly people is not a priority.

when my husband lost his license, he would say, "I wish I could still drive". I would agree with him, that is all. I would just say, "I wish you could too". He will be depressed, that is life. Blame the doctors or the DMV. His doctor told us that is he was in an accident and hurt someone and they sued, they would suphnea (can't spell is and too tired to try) his medical records. Since has a dementia diagnoses, they would take everything we had. important he doesn't drive.

Gabbysmom: I am so sorry that your DH (Dear Husband) has received such hard-to-hear/bear news. Prayers sent.

I understand my husband was a truck driver for 25 years and has lost his vision and can no longer driver it's hard but I can tell you a few of the thing's I had done for my husband! Every weekend or day's off I had I would put him m in the car and tell him we were going to dinner and I would have a overnight bag for both us in the car! And drive him to the next neighboring state and enjoy each other help him focus on the 15 million other important things in his life he didn't have the time he wanted for them! Now he can his list is endless with the help of you family and friends!

Watch the video from Alzheimer's Assioc. on when it's time to take the car keys away. then watch it again with your husband. After my husband watched it he said, " I don't do that, do I?" I told him he does, and that we should decide together to sell the car. Seriously, watch the video!

This is a typical reaction for men but can also happen with women who live alone and have no one to drive them. Make sure he knows that he will have transportation whenever he needs it, and make those arrangements. Praise him for making a choice to be safe and responsible for the safety of others. Keep him as busy as possible so that he doesn't dwell on this. He will forget that he lost his license and get upset about it again in the future; it's inevitable. No matter what stick to your plan. It isn't worth loss of life to assuage anyone's ego.

Very thoughtful follow-up - volunteers, gift cards, go out to eat, socialize. Really important. It is a process. Hopefully, this woman's husband will get there.

Patience is a learned behavior.
It takes 'self patience' to learn to be patient. Although, often our learning curve time is very short, depending on the needs/issues facing us in the present moment.

Gena / Touch Matters

First, read / watch this offered by Teepa Snow, one of the country's leading experts on dementia:

https://preferredlivingsolutions.com/2016/04/19/teepa-snow-driving-and-dementia/

As in many situations when a person is losing their independence, a person may respond in anger (which masks fear) and fear, frustration, confusion (whatever feelings he needs to get out).

FIRST:

Listen. Non judgmentally.
Offer REFLECTIVE LISTENING (reflect their words back to them. This allows them to 'get it out,' talk more about how they feel.
You could say "I hear you saying xxx, is this right?"
They respond.
You say: "yes, I understand. This must be xxx (hard, difficult) for you?

SECOND

Be patient. This is a huge shift - one of the hardest as a person ages / or becomes unable to drive.

THIRD

Be sure car is not accessible.
Some/many (want to) drive anyway - and do. (To my shock, Teepa mentioned in a webinar I took w her that there are 'many' people driving who have dementia. Another reason to be a VERY DEFENSIVE driver.

If he may resort to this:

- take out part in the car that starts the car (it is easy from what I've heard. You just need to know what that part is).

- change the car keys on his ring for an/other/s key so they won't work.

- Better yet, if you can, get rid of the car so he doesn't see it as a painful reminder (of course, it might be your car, too).

Don't go here:
1) talking about alternatives (XXX can drive you to XXX). This reinforces his feelings of his lack of ability to drive and be independent.
He isn't here / there yet. He needs to process the initial feelings of loss.
Be there with him, emotionally where he is (Reflective listening, patience, compassion).

- If he brings up going out (vs the focus on his independence to do so alone), then certainly provide options.
- He doesn't want to 'just' go out, he wants his independence (back) to go out alone. He needs emotional and psychological 'room' to get his feelings out.

Depression - Of course, not easy for you to deal with his depression. It's hard enough for him to deal with it.
- See if medication is in order although depends on his unique needs. I wouldn't be too quick to medicate - see how this moves (the depression). i.e., will he talk, eat, sleep 'okay' -

- Give him space to feel / be with himself.

- Don't push to 'help' him (depending on his personality type). I am not sure how/what I mean here - just allow him to 'be' and respect where he is in himself and let him know you are there when / if he needs you. This is so very personal to the relationship; trust you'll know what to do.

- Try whatever might help: music, movies, reading to him, he reading, watching tv/ God forbid watching the news...

Gena / Touch Matters

Divert his attention! How about trying new things, painting, clay work or, volunteering at an animal shelter.............animals bring joy. Bring back some of the hobbies he had or spend time swimming, visiting the zoo or raising funds for a charity. You know what makes him depressed, so now it's time to find out what brings him joy. The next move is to ask for medications that can lift him up.

Daycare programs?

Of course he is depressed. Every loss bring sadness and depression. My father spent his final years looking out the window at his beloved car. I would talk to him about his sadness and not try to brush it away. If possible drive him in his own car so he can see it and feel it. Getting older or losing bodily function IS sad and depressing.

After my husband’s brain tumor advanced, it was clear it was not safe for him to drive. He didn’t like it, but he got used to me being his chauffeur. It’s better than being in an accident that might cause harm to him or someone else. He’s not alone in facing this, it happens to almost everyone if they live long enough.

My father lost his license after his ALZ diagnosis and we can’t keep him from driving. He lives alone. We have tried hiding the keys, disabling the car, moving the car. All of it. He finds a way around it all. When we hid the car he just went out and bought a new one. It’s a real problem.

Good Morning,

It's hard for the men when they lose their freedom which is driving.

What you could do is get your dad a "Real ID". These are government issued ID's that also serve as a license, however, your father, should not be driving.

Many elderly are on blood thinners too. We have to keep them safe as well as everyone else out on the road. If they get into an accident, they can have a bleed out.

Just put the Real ID in dad's wallet and make sure he gets everyone he needs to get. He just wants to know he is not going to be sitting home looking out the window.

So sorry about your husband. Dementia is the worst. Driving and dementia do NOT mix so while it is for the best, we can all understand how it is depressing to your husband. I guess you will just have to take over the driving and/or find him rides.

With your stress level from caring for a husband with dementia and getting ready to move, it's no wonder that you and hubby are fighting. OK, so maybe what you could do is always think first "he has dementia" and then cut him some slack. When my mom was in the MCI (mild cognitive impairment) phase, we used to argue and get mad at each other and not talk for a day or two. Once she progressed to the dementia level, I just had to give her a pass on her poor behavior and annoying/mean things she would sometimes say. Internally, I'd still be upset/mad but I'd just give some vague response and move on.

I just want to caution you about moving to be near family for support. Who is in NY? Your kids? I'm not sure what kind of support you are looking for. After caring for my mom for 7 years in my home, I am NOT going to ask my kids to do that for me. It is a lot. There are so many posts on this forum about siblings who do not help take care of the parent and one person gets stuck with most or usually all of the care. Other families do better and actually pitch in.

Best of luck.

Helpful info from your profile:

"I am caring for my husband Jack, who is 75 years old, living at home with alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, cancer, and depression."

"I am very new at this caregiver thing. Jack has Logopenic Primary Progressive Aphasia which is a variable of Alzheimer's. He has a lot of Alzheimer's symptoms to go with this and is about to lose his driving privileges. I am completely stressed over this because his life depends on going places. I have worked my entire life and have had to give it up to take care of the finances and other things. We are in the process of preparing to move from Virginia back to New York to be near family for support. We only have each other down here. I was hospitalized a few weeks ago and it opened our eyes to the fact that something could happen to me first and he would be left alone. I sm so afraid that I won't be able to handle all of this because I lack the patience required to be a good caregiver and we are fighting now where we never did before. I know it's the disease and I'm trying but I struggle with it. "

I had to take away the license of a relative. To lessen the impact I discretely asked other relatives, neighbors and friends to call her up and offer rides, or arranged for these volunteers to drive him to his appointments and errands, then I secretly gave them a gift card to her favorite place to eat so that the driver would then take her out for meal. This helped her because she really enjoyed the social interaction and it bought time at home with her being out of the house. Also, the volunteers felt good about what they were doing since, in these types of situations, they often don't know how to help in effective ways. I wish you all the best and hope your move goes smoothly!