"I am caring for my husband Jack, who is 75 years old, living at home with alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, cancer, and depression."
"I am very new at this caregiver thing. Jack has Logopenic Primary Progressive Aphasia which is a variable of Alzheimer's. He has a lot of Alzheimer's symptoms to go with this and is about to lose his driving privileges. I am completely stressed over this because his life depends on going places. I have worked my entire life and have had to give it up to take care of the finances and other things. We are in the process of preparing to move from Virginia back to New York to be near family for support. We only have each other down here. I was hospitalized a few weeks ago and it opened our eyes to the fact that something could happen to me first and he would be left alone. I sm so afraid that I won't be able to handle all of this because I lack the patience required to be a good caregiver and we are fighting now where we never did before. I know it's the disease and I'm trying but I struggle with it. "
I had to take away the license of a relative. To lessen the impact I discretely asked other relatives, neighbors and friends to call her up and offer rides, or arranged for these volunteers to drive him to his appointments and errands, then I secretly gave them a gift card to her favorite place to eat so that the driver would then take her out for meal. This helped her because she really enjoyed the social interaction and it bought time at home with her being out of the house. Also, the volunteers felt good about what they were doing since, in these types of situations, they often don't know how to help in effective ways. I wish you all the best and hope your move goes smoothly!
So sorry about your husband. Dementia is the worst. Driving and dementia do NOT mix so while it is for the best, we can all understand how it is depressing to your husband. I guess you will just have to take over the driving and/or find him rides.
With your stress level from caring for a husband with dementia and getting ready to move, it's no wonder that you and hubby are fighting. OK, so maybe what you could do is always think first "he has dementia" and then cut him some slack. When my mom was in the MCI (mild cognitive impairment) phase, we used to argue and get mad at each other and not talk for a day or two. Once she progressed to the dementia level, I just had to give her a pass on her poor behavior and annoying/mean things she would sometimes say. Internally, I'd still be upset/mad but I'd just give some vague response and move on.
I just want to caution you about moving to be near family for support. Who is in NY? Your kids? I'm not sure what kind of support you are looking for. After caring for my mom for 7 years in my home, I am NOT going to ask my kids to do that for me. It is a lot. There are so many posts on this forum about siblings who do not help take care of the parent and one person gets stuck with most or usually all of the care. Other families do better and actually pitch in.
My father lost his license after his ALZ diagnosis and we can’t keep him from driving. He lives alone. We have tried hiding the keys, disabling the car, moving the car. All of it. He finds a way around it all. When we hid the car he just went out and bought a new one. It’s a real problem.
There has to be a way to keep him from driving. I find it surprising that he has been able to 'finds a way around it all.' Sell his car.
It sounds like your dad needs more ... checks in place for his own safety. Is anyone else around / able to manage his ability to 'buy a new car?' Did he buy a new car on his own ? No one went with him? This sounds very shocking to me. When a person buys a new car, don't they have to show their license (to a car company)?
I wonder how you handle this - and subsequent issues / behavior? It seems like he is quite intense on his intentions and carries them out (very well).
Is he driving? Yes. There must be a way to 'keep him from driving." It is a matter of finding that out before he hits / kills someone or himself.
I understand my husband was a truck driver for 25 years and has lost his vision and can no longer driver it's hard but I can tell you a few of the thing's I had done for my husband! Every weekend or day's off I had I would put him m in the car and tell him we were going to dinner and I would have a overnight bag for both us in the car! And drive him to the next neighboring state and enjoy each other help him focus on the 15 million other important things in his life he didn't have the time he wanted for them! Now he can his list is endless with the help of you family and friends!
when my husband lost his license, he would say, "I wish I could still drive". I would agree with him, that is all. I would just say, "I wish you could too". He will be depressed, that is life. Blame the doctors or the DMV. His doctor told us that is he was in an accident and hurt someone and they sued, they would suphnea (can't spell is and too tired to try) his medical records. Since has a dementia diagnoses, they would take everything we had. important he doesn't drive.
The driving issue is a big one. When faced with the doctor’s verdict (at 92) my mother gave up her will. Lapsed into withdrawal and focused on negativity as her hobby. Her friends would encourage her attitude by relentlessly repeating that “I” had to understand that it was a loss of “independence”.
I advocate “freedom” to focus on other things besides struggling a walker into the backseat and navigating traffic to get three cans of cat food.
Focus on a strategy that allows for the best possible outcome.
After my husband’s brain tumor advanced, it was clear it was not safe for him to drive. He didn’t like it, but he got used to me being his chauffeur. It’s better than being in an accident that might cause harm to him or someone else. He’s not alone in facing this, it happens to almost everyone if they live long enough.
Everyone is different. Having alternative transportation available when he wants it and needs it is important and may help him adjust. Unfortunately we live in a world where affordable transportation for elderly people is not a priority.
All you can do is say you agree it is sad. How about plan a few day a week outing. Take a bus or contact senior van service. And go somewhere near or a bit farther and show him travel is still possible
"I am caring for my husband Jack, who is 75 years old, living at home with alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, cancer, and depression."
"I am very new at this caregiver thing. Jack has Logopenic Primary Progressive Aphasia which is a variable of Alzheimer's. He has a lot of Alzheimer's symptoms to go with this and is about to lose his driving privileges. I am completely stressed over this because his life depends on going places. I have worked my entire life and have had to give it up to take care of the finances and other things. We are in the process of preparing to move from Virginia back to New York to be near family for support. We only have each other down here. I was hospitalized a few weeks ago and it opened our eyes to the fact that something could happen to me first and he would be left alone. I sm so afraid that I won't be able to handle all of this because I lack the patience required to be a good caregiver and we are fighting now where we never did before. I know it's the disease and I'm trying but I struggle with it. "
I had to take away the license of a relative. To lessen the impact I discretely asked other relatives, neighbors and friends to call her up and offer rides, or arranged for these volunteers to drive him to his appointments and errands, then I secretly gave them a gift card to her favorite place to eat so that the driver would then take her out for meal. This helped her because she really enjoyed the social interaction and it bought time at home with her being out of the house. Also, the volunteers felt good about what they were doing since, in these types of situations, they often don't know how to help in effective ways. I wish you all the best and hope your move goes smoothly!
With your stress level from caring for a husband with dementia and getting ready to move, it's no wonder that you and hubby are fighting. OK, so maybe what you could do is always think first "he has dementia" and then cut him some slack. When my mom was in the MCI (mild cognitive impairment) phase, we used to argue and get mad at each other and not talk for a day or two. Once she progressed to the dementia level, I just had to give her a pass on her poor behavior and annoying/mean things she would sometimes say. Internally, I'd still be upset/mad but I'd just give some vague response and move on.
I just want to caution you about moving to be near family for support. Who is in NY? Your kids? I'm not sure what kind of support you are looking for. After caring for my mom for 7 years in my home, I am NOT going to ask my kids to do that for me. It is a lot. There are so many posts on this forum about siblings who do not help take care of the parent and one person gets stuck with most or usually all of the care. Other families do better and actually pitch in.
Best of luck.
I find it surprising that he has been able to 'finds a way around it all.'
Sell his car.
It sounds like your dad needs more ... checks in place for his own safety.
Is anyone else around / able to manage his ability to 'buy a new car?'
Did he buy a new car on his own ?
No one went with him?
This sounds very shocking to me. When a person buys a new car, don't they have to show their license (to a car company)?
I wonder how you handle this - and subsequent issues / behavior?
It seems like he is quite intense on his intentions and carries them out (very well).
Is he driving?
Yes. There must be a way to 'keep him from driving." It is a matter of finding that out before he hits / kills someone or himself.
Please read:
https://preferredlivingsolutions.com/2016/04/19/teepa-snow-driving-and-dementia/
Gena / Touch Matters
I advocate “freedom” to focus on other things besides struggling a walker into the backseat and navigating traffic to get three cans of cat food.
Focus on a strategy that allows for the best possible outcome.
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