My husband doesn’t want my mom to live with us more than a year. Any advice?

Alex88,

Do you know how to hang up a phone? For God's sake, your family is all the way in Iran. So whatever hurtful comments, threats, or insults they might say to you can easily be avoided by not taking their calls. Or by hanging up the phone.
The cultural nonsense of you being the one your family "allowed" to come to the U.S. because you'll bring them all over here has to stop. You're an American woman now. You don't need anyone's permission or approval to live your life and do or not do anything.
Tell your mother and brother that you will not be sponsoring them because you are not in a position to financially support them (your mother likely for life) and that you cannot risk your income and your husband's. Also, you can tell them that you're going to give the American taxpayer a break too. We're not going to have to support your mother for life and probably your brother for a long time.
You came to America, got married and made a life for yourself. If you wanted a life of servitude under your family's thumb, you would have stayed in Iran. You didn't though.
Time to grow a backbone and tell mother and brother that you cannot sponsor them to come here. If they want to be like brat children about it and disown you, that's on them not you. Your marriage is more important than your mother and brother. If bringing them here is going to cause problems with your husband, don't bring them here.

If the OP was able to get here on her own, why can't her brother do the same then bring the mother over?

You are a free person here. If you bring these two over they will demand your servitude to them for the rest of your life. Cultural or not, is that how you want to live the rest of your life? I'm assuming that if you enjoyed this lifestyle you would have stayed in your home country.

What a tough spot you're in.

Submit to deeply helded cultural expectations and obeying your parent which will ruin your marriage. Or
Keep your marriage intact which will disappoint your parent and possibly be disowned.

Is there a middle ground?

Can you stall them? Tell mom and brother that you will sponsor them when you make enough money in a few years. Or
Send them money periodically to help make their lives more comfortable which will keep them content to stay in Iran.

No easy answers. One thing I recommend is that you have a heart to heart conversation with your husband so he really understands your problem, and work with you as a team to come up with whatever solution you both think is best.

Alex88, I feel for you. I understand the pressure you get from your mother. Given what I know about your culture, I am guessing your mother is also feeling the pressure to show off to the relatives and friends and acquaintances. She needs to show off to them that she has good and successful children who care and love her and will do anything for her.

You bringing her to the US, she can brag to everyone and be proud.
Not having any kids taking her in means she is abandoned. That's too shameful.
How will she show her face to anyone?
What will she say when her friends or some relatives tell her their children from the US are going to bring them there, and do this, and buy that for them, etc.?
Cultural expectations. Let me know if I am off base on my guess.

Alex, unless you have a million dollars to yourself, just tell them you can’t afford it.

If you’re in California, a community property state, you won’t necessarily get half of hubs earnings, nor does it sound like he’s empathetic to doing that to subsidize her.

Its kinda a crappy position that brother now is the only on site for mom. If you and h feel it, you might consider Western Unioning her some funds.

NO! NO! NO!
That's a tough one. The bottom line is don't do it. It would be toxic for your family. Once she is in she will stay more than a year.
If you do it, you will regret it.
Be strong and tell her that you cannot do it.
It is an unpleasant task but you only need to do it once.
If she lives with you, the unpleasantness for each family member will last as long as she lives in your house. It could easily end your marriage.

I would not sponsor her. Your husband comes first. What city in Iran is your Mom from? I spent a year in Isfahan and 6 months in Teheran. I enjoyed my time there and loved the food. I always go to an Iranian restaurant whn I visit Houston, TX.

Alex88 - you somehow managed to escape from a negative toxic family situation when you came here and married your husband. The way your mother and brother are threatening you with guilt, manipulation and blackmail is how they will treat you if you bring them here. In my opinion, they will destroy your life and marriage. You are not obligated to sponsor them and as mentioned your brother has other options. You need to stay firm and say NO.

Keep in mind Alex that wider pathways exist for your brother to leave the country than you had. That your promise to secure them based on your leaving was so they’d give permission for you to go, which brother won’t be encumbered by.

" The only Win I can get out of this situations is to hold on to my life and hubby and never sponsor them…"

And that's a big WIN! Are you still uncertain about what you are going to do (or not do)?

Then don't petition/sponsor for them. You should not have to pay their way. They are using you and will continue to once they are here. Like I said they are thousands of miles away.

NO, is a one word sentence.

When saying NO you are not responsible for the reaction you get. (Boundries by Townsend and Cloud)

Please go with your gut. You cannot afford sponsor Mom and brother or financially support them. In my area of NJ, the only immigrants I see are those being brought over by families already established here. The ones established here run businesses and give these relatives jobs in their businesses.

Seems u never had a good relationship with ur family. You really owe them nothing. So Mom tries to guilt you, their is nothing she can do about it thousands of miles away. Would it break your heart if they broke ties with you or visa versa? They are using you. Your husband sees that. What he wants is more important than what they want.

Have you explained u cannot afford to support them. Have you explained that they will get nothing from the US especially Mom. That 5 yrs starts with a greencard. If you have explained that, then ur done. They will need to find someone else to sponsor them.

My Mil was from England. In the 60+ yrs she lived her, she never became a citizen. She did have her green card. Her sister has now been here 60 yrs, no citizenship, greencard. So you do not need to become a citizen to remain here, both married Americans. I do think it should be a requirement though. Both were/are considered subjects of the Royal Crown. Passports are English.

If you feel uncomfortable about it now, that discomfort will quickly turn to resentment & anger. I don’t recommend it. Help her find her own way if she comes here. Plenty of schools offering programs/ courses to learn a skill. Even babysitting is a skill She’s only 65 & will be in your home 🏡 forever. Then out the window goes your marriage…Hugs 🤗

Here's my advice to you, Alex. Don't bring her here. I think the truth of the matter is that you really don't want to and that's okay.
No guilt about it. Your life and marriage will be ruined and I think you've considered this.
Mom is 65 years old. So realistically she will never work and earn in America. So you and your husband will be totally and completely 100% responsible for her like she's your child for at LEAST five years. Then she will be eligible to do what so many who come here in older age with zero skills do. Get on Medicaid and disability for something.
If you're lucky enough that the American government finds her disability claim acceptable after the five years, she can be moved into a government-subsidized apartment. Granted she agrees to move out of your house. You and your husband will still be her social life though. Count on it.
I remember when my former FIL brought his mother here from Poland after his father died. She made their lives miserable. Especially my MIL who really suffered because she hated my MIL from day one. Fortunately she was only here just over a year because one of her other kids back in Poland agreed to let her live with him.
Please, at your mother's age leave her in her country. She is too old to start a life somewhere else. What will end up happening is she resent your life here with your husband and will ruin it.
For your own sake and your husband's, don't bring her here.

Laugh

"I had a last conversation about this with my mother and after her trying to guilt trip and tell me that everyone else is doing this for their family and you are going to have a terrible life with your husband and come back crying, I think I don’t want them here no matter what. They can never be a help just a burden "

You KNOW you don't want them here, no matter what. Stay strong! Do NOT sponsor them to come live in the U.S.

I would listen to your hubby and say no to your mum. It's a red flag to me that a mum would accept moving in with her daughter and hubby in my opinion (in general). I think parents are of course important people in our lives and from a mothers point of view, I have 3 sons, my sons are as important to me now and there were when they were little. However I am NOT as high a priority to them now and I behave in such a way to have actively encouraged this. They are living THEIR lives and they have my blessings. I have a place in their life for sure , and they are very respectful to me and spend time with me and we laugh ever such a lot. I believe it is very important to put your time/energies into your marriage first and foremost now above your relationship with your mother.

Alex88,
Consider your own personal needs and wants in this confusing scenario.
The pressure is on you to be a caregiver from your mother and brother.
The wants and needs of your husband are important to you.

Where are you in all of this? What are you feeling?
What are you deciding?
What do you want?

Saying YES to your Mother = ignoring your Husband's NO.

This does not have to be a battle between parent & spouse - but it could be..

If it was - which would you choose to live with?

That's your answer. Then steel up & communicate it.

Alex 88,
It appears below that your mother and brother are basically bullying you, blackmailing you, and forcing you to sponsor them to come to the U.S.
You said:
"the day I was leaving ( my mom and dad could ban me from leaving the country, there is a law that allows them to ban their daughter -only daughter not son- from leaving the country) my mom told me you’re leaving to take your brother and us."

Not in the United States of America. You are free to live your life now.
I don't want to create an international incident by failing to be silent. I acknowledge that cultural norms in other countries can be different. But you are here now.

In fact, you can tell Mom to leave you alone.
If it is true that they could ban you from leaving their country, the reverse is true now, that you could make it hard for them to enter the U.S. by speaking up to immigration about the blackmail and bullying.

I think it is not that simple, but you do have choices. Reach out and talk to a counselor that helps people acclimate to a new culture, while keeping your strongly held beliefs without the bullying from parents. imo.

Take the pressure off of yourself, and your husband now, and live free. Like a free person. Stop talking to family back in the old country. What your Mother said, or says now, does not matter in the U.S.A. Only in your head. She has your brother there to care for her.

You are correct to worry that it will take a toll on your relationship. Your husband is voicing his fears and from you have written, those fears are well-founded. Hopefully, people will not find my post offensive

Someone who is very "strong" in their cultural patterns is not likely to have softened within the last 7 years. In addition, there is a real possibility that she will not be able to adopt to the way of life where you are. There is also the possibility of racism since she is Muslim and adheres to her religion.

This next paragraph applies if you are in the USA. In addition, she is coming to the US without any financial resources, therefore your husband and you will be 100% financially responsible for her for the rest of her life. Nearly every statistic I've seen regarding divorce, show that money and finances are the overwhelming reason why couples cannot stay together. Add in an opinionated mother or father, and you have pretty much said that you are willing to give up the relationship with your husband.

I live in a state that has a lot of "other" nationalities. I am hearing constantly about how other countries take better care of their seniors than the US. It can be in the area of basic medical needs, cost of drugs, alternative to drugs, alternatives in dealing with sickness, national health care plans. Then there is the cultural aspect. If someone's primary language is not English, their needs are better met if they can converse to the caregivers in their own language. Sometimes just the non-verbal behaviors can trigger additional angst as non-verbal clues are not always the same amongst cultures. Some of the people I know have moved their parents back to their homeland after being in the US for over 50 years, just because of the better care options. Their parents are much more happy and settled and can converse in the language they were born into.

I suggest that you look in the country where your Mom is. I suggest that you find out what other housing and care options that seniors have in the country. I would first try placing Mom there and see what happens. If anything, you will find out first-hand what she is and is not able to tolerate and how she copes in a community setting. It will be a learning experience for both you, your husband and your mother. Don't worry about you not being there 24 x 7. A good care home doesn't require your presence to oversee the care.

After that, you might have a clearer picture of your future options.

However, right now, I would NOT allow her to move in with you, not even for a trial period. Just don't go there yet.

Your husband is being generous that's 365 days too many in my book.

We all grew up with the song about ‘what we need is a great big melting pot…(leading to) … coffee colored people by the score’. Where I am it is becoming clearer that the skin color is not the issue, the bigger problems come with cultural expectations. Submissive daughters, submissive wives, unquestioning respect for elders, rules about how to live your lives. Changing your mother’s mindset can be as hard as living with her, paying for her, putting your husband first, and doing what you are told.

My mom moved her mom here in the 1970s. For a decade, she and her five siblings supported Grandma. One sib Heldon to her nyc rent controlled apt and let grandma live there? There was another sib who was a doctor. But even with the six of them financially helping, it was extremely difficult.

Grandma finally became a citizen around 1988. She got Medicaid then. She ended up in a pretty good home.

This is probably a best case scenario, one that would not have been possible without people having spare apartments and others who just happened to be full on mds living right there.

I have been privy to a woman's mother moving in with her daughter, but the daughter lived alone. The daughter was on SSI, receiving all her income from the government, the system. Neither had worked in this country to receive social security benefits.

They were making it work. Living comfortably. The problem was, that both had to lie to obtain the benefits from the government.

It is just NOT TRUE that your husband doesn't want your Mom to live with you for more than a year! Can you hear yourself?

"he doesn’t want my mom to move in with us".

"he says we are at the beginning of our lives and I want to build my life without having to pay for your mom".

Do you not believe him?

You wisely ask, how to tell your Mom.....

Tell her "NO, we cannot possibly do that".
Tell her that things do not work that way in the country where you live.
Tell her that it would not be in her best interests to move in with you.
Tell her, "No, that you cannot possibly do that."

Tell her "as if" it is coming from you, and has nothing to do with your husband.
Tell Mom "NO".

If you do not tell her "NO", it is a deal breaker. Between you and your husband, it is a deal breaker. Not open to discussion, change, manipulation, persuasion,
crying, getting your own way, it is just not. If he changes his mind and allows this for a year, he will be lying to you, and you both will be miserable.

Understand?

The member that Peggy Sue was talking about is "wearynow". Put her name in "search" and you can read her posts. But I will give you an over view.

Wearynow visited her Mom in India every six months. (Her mother traveled here too.) She saw Mom was declining a couple of years back. Brother refused to help care for her. Wearynow found a Care home for her in India and came back to the states where her husband and life are. The Care home could not care for Mom so Weary brought her to the states. She was able to get her a green card. Weary and her husband pay for everything. Weary does have a p/t job that helps to offset the cost of Moms health insurance but it cost hundreds. She is entitled to no benefits for 5 years. She will never get Social Security or Medicare because she never paid into it. The best they will be able to get her after the 5 yrs is Medicaid. Medicaid for health insurance and Medicaid for LTC is pretty much all she can qualify for. Seems there maybe property and money in India but can't get the money transferred to US.

Since your Mom was so controlling when u were younger, I doubt that has changed. My opinion, she will take over you home. She will be as controlling now as she was when u were growing up. You WILL be supporting her and that support should be used for u and your DH to make a life. Can u afford to pay the $600plus it will cost in health insurance a month. Can you afford to pay for all her needs. You shouldn't have to, she should be paying her way. I would tell her you have been doing some research and it would be very expensive for her to move here. Then outline what I have written. The US is not going to care for her and you can't afford to. Someone has been caring for her in India, she should stay and take advantage of what India provides for their Seniors.

One more thing, having diabetes is very expensive here. Insurance may not cover the insulin pens fully that are widely used. The cost was as high as $300 a pen at one time. So, I would look into that and compare.

I think DH is correct, not wise to bring Mom here if there are other options in India. Then her being religious and you not practising that religion could cause problems. And a year is too long to find out its not going to work. Why does she want to come here, so you can be her Caregiver? She will have no friends. She will rely on you for her entertainment. You will have no privacy and couples need their privacy. Weary had no choice. Her Mom had no choice because if she had she may have stayed in India. Listen to ur husband.

Alex88,
Your husband, who is at least a 50/50 partnership in the financials of your marriage has said NO. It is a deal breaker when one person has said NO.

"my husband finally told me that he doesn’t want my mom to move in with us ."

" he says we are at the beginning of our lives and I want to build my life without having to pay for your mom".

It is a NO, loud and clear. To manipulate, ignore, or get around it somehow, to pretend you don't understand NO is sad.

Who came up with this idea in the first place? Did your husband not object right then and there?

This sounds like a truly terrible idea. You don't want to lose your "relationship"? - well excuse me, but that's not just a relationship. It's the marriage your mother was so strict about being the proper basis for your adult life (and it's a good formula, too).

How close to being an actual plan is the idea of your mother's moving to the States and being supported by you and your husband? Where is she living now, and what else does she have in the way of family and support networks? Because at first sight what you really need to do is knock the whole project squarely on the head and come up with a better one.