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He is the oldest of 4, I’m the youngest of 5. I have one 11 yr old daughter. His mother's disease has progressed to needing help with everything; she can barely talk or walk. We’ve been married almost ten years and she’s lived with us for a total of 3 1/2 years. I'm tired of her other children making excuses why they can’t keep her. I feel like me and my child are suffering. I get angry and annoyed often. We used to vacation and take trips, but now all that is halted. My husband is not very attentive to his mom's needs. It’s like because she's a woman I’m suppose to do everything: bathing, changing her and cleaning her up. I’m battling with being supportive but also feeling resentful for all the things we now are not able to do. The marriage is definitely suffering.

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No, it's not awful that you feel as you do; it's awful that your husband decided to move his demented mother into your home without a previous discussion with you, therefore, blindsiding you and then leaving her care in YOUR hands. That's not what teamwork in a marriage looks like, and I don't blame you for being unhappy.

Your mother in law *MIL* is also quite young at 75 and can live a lot longer as she continues deteriorating. If it were me, I'd have a Come to Jesus meeting with DH right away to let him know I'm DONE with the hands on caregiving for his mother. He can either hire someone to come into your home to do it, or, he can move her into a Memory Care Assisted Living Facility *ALF* right away. If he refuses, you can move into a hotel for a while while HE takes on the hands-on duties of bathing, changing and cleaning her up 24/7, not to mention cooking and cleaning the house. That may change his attitude mighty fast.

Marriage is a two way street where both people have to communicate properly and respect one another's wishes as well. Moving someone else into the inner sanctum is a big no-no unless everyone, including the children, are on board and willing to help out with the burden. That wasn't the case with your MIL moving in, so now is the time to make some changes.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.
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Hopeforhelp22 Oct 2021
wow - lealonnie1 - you said it all so well - I couldn't even add anything to that! I think your advice was amazing.
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It was my husband's decision to move MY mother in with us. Within 6 weeks, I was bedridden with the stress.

I went away for a week, and he was left with her. She was moved out of here quickly after that.

NO WAY are you in the wrong. Absolutely no way.
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lealonnie1 Oct 2021
My DH calls that sort of thing "Learning empathy through scar tissue"! Love it!
(7)
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It is understandable how you feel.
I would not feel resentful if my husband had done the same I would be royally pissed off!!!
I think that you should put a halt to some of "your" caregiving duties and let him take over for a while.
It might go something like this...
Come Friday book a weekend in a local hotel, one with a pool, hot tub and when hubby comes home Friday night you and your daughter take off for a mom and daughter weekend. (you might want to forget the charger to your phone.) Come home Sunday all rested and then have a sit down talk with hubby and say.."you did this for a weekend, I do it all week, for almost 4 years now. We need to find Memory Care for mom"
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If your husband wants to keep Mommy at home, then he will need to quit his job and take care of her. This isn’t your job.
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Did mom sell a home to come live with you? If yes, use some of those proceeds to pay for some in-home help. Might even be time to "hurt your back" and require the use of in-home help out of sheer necessity. Fake it a while. If no money to pay help, then call the other kids and tell them about your bad back and need some help. I can tell you that if they agree to help, it's going to be much easier done in your house because you already have a routine and things set up to accommodate her needs. Moving her in the condition she is in would be starting from scratch at another home. Too hard for them and much to hard for her.

If you don't want to fake the back attack, then it's simply time to sit hubby down and tell him you can't do all of it on your own anymore. You need help on a daily basis. He can talk to his sibs to work out a schedule or they can all contribute by way of money to pay for home health care. Remind him he has a preteen who is getting very close to the age of not wanting to do things with parents, so he needs to arrange some vacation time for all 3 of you and care to cover for mom while you go somewhere. To get his brain thinking about what you do - ask him exactly what he does daily to help his mom. Then list the things that you are doing daily in addition to your own household/family duties. Just lay it out - I need a break - you put me in this situation without even asking - you need to work with me to get some help in here. Give him a week to come up with a plan and to talk to his siblings to work out a plan.
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It saddens me that your husband disrespected your marriage to such an extent that he would do this without consulting you. That says a lot about your marriage, and even when Mom's out of the house, you two need some counseling about how to communicate and work as a team.

Now that I'm done being Dear Abby, the reality is that Mom could last another 10 years. Seventy-five isn't all that old, so I completely agree with the suggestion that you bail out for a long weekend, then come home and have the "come to Jesus" moment with your husband. This situation is untenable -- period -- and it does no service to his mother for her to have less than the best care.

Not that you aren't providing excellent care, but a memory care with staff who can handle her needs 24 hours a day is far superior to one person doing all the work that will not lessen as time goes on. The reality is that the day is coming when she needs more care than you can provide, so now is the time to take the bull by the horns and get her set up in a memory care facility before it reaches crisis level. Once that's done, tackle your marriage.
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Cover99 Oct 2021
How is it sad when OP has been taking care of MIL for 3 1/2. Sad part is it lasted past yr 1
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I think it is time to have some frank conversations with your husband. I am sure your husband was only trying to help his mother and sees you are super-able. The reality is that this situation is no longer working well for you and the other members of the family.

1 - Try getting others to help you. Ask family members, friends, members of your faith community... to volunteer to help with any tasks. Several people taking mom on for a hour or 2 every week would be most helpful. Settle for other offers of yardwork, housework, running errands, picking up groceries... that free up some of your time.

2 - Research paid help options. If you do not have enough help to meet your needs - 7-9 hours of uninterrupted sleep daily, 3 healthy meals at a reasonable pace daily, "time off" to meet your hygiene and health needs, and "time off" to recharge your batteries doing things you enjoy with or without others - then it is time to consider paid help. it may be as easy as enrolling mom into an Adult Day Program at a local nursing facility. It can be more complicated - hiring home health aides and sitters for 4-8hour shifts during the week or weekend.

3 - Get a true picture of mom's finances. Unless you are very well off, mom's resources should pay for mom's care needs. See if she qualifies for state assistance, federal assistance... See what the rules are for wherever you live to get enough to help you care for mom.

Lastly, after you have mobilized all help available, Have those conversations with your spouse. Discuss options that give every person in your home the kind of love and care each deserves. If discussions get heated to come to an impasse, consider a few sessions with a counsellor. Faith-based organizations have plenty of capable counsellors that are reasonably priced. Also, there are non-faith professionals that can help with higher fees.
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Cover99 Oct 2021
OP tried number 1 with family members, it did not work. Can you blame them? They don't have to be bothered with her care.
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You feel like your child and yourself are suffering because you are. Your husband needs to step up and start thinking of the welfare of his wife and daughter.
You did not agree to become your MIL's caregiver. One of the members of this forum came up with the word that perfectly describes what has happened in your situation.

You were 'VOLUNTOLD' and it was assumed that you'd become your MIL's caregiver. No one has the right to assume and put the responsibility and care of their needy elder on someone else for any reason. You DO NOT have to take care of your MIL, and it's high time you threw down the gauntlet with your husband about it. That MIL goes or you and your daughter do.
I mean no disrespect to your husband or family, but he created this situation and sustains it so he can have his cake and eat it too. He can be the hero and the good son who takes his poor, needy mother into his house and everyone applauds him. Only his wife is the one who has to take on all the responsibility for her and meet all of her care needs. Nope. That sh*t has to stop today.
You tell your old man in plain English that you will not care for his mother anymore.
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Well, he decided his mom needed to move in with you without consulting you so, he needs to do ALL the work, whatever THAT is. Yes... I figured you were going to say THAT is not happening. OK... here is a fact.... NO ONE PERSON CAN TAKE CARE OF A PERSON WITH DEMENTIA. Won't happen. Dementia is awful as you have discovered and it is only going to get much worse. Why did he move her in with you all? Did your husband know anything about dementia at that time? So... if you are taking care of HIS mom, house does NOT get cleaned, meals do NOT get served to hubby, his laundry does NOT get done, grocery shopping does NOT happen unless HE does it and HE cooks it. Taking care of any dementia person is more than a full time job. Again, you cannot do this. Not possible
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Oh. Hell. No. What he did for his mom may make him a sterling son, but not asking his partner for an opinion in a life altering change makes him a tarnished husband.
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You are not awful at all! Agreeing to care for your MIL was very big of you. BUT her condition has seriously deteriorated. Can barely talk or walk? You have to bath her and change her? NO WAY.

You need respite care ASAP. At the very least. Ask him if he wants to hire full time help for her or find a nice nursing home for her cuz you are done. It is not fair to your daughter. Or to your marriage.

I love the idea of you and daughter going on a fun get away weekend so hubby can have some nice one-on-one time with his mama. Do it ASAP. He may be mad but that's just too bad. You can tell him nicely and that you really need a break right now and that it is not negotiable. Stand up for yourself. Remember that he sprung this on you so it is not, IMHO, unreasonable for you to spring these new changes on him now.

You can not expect the other siblings to help out. They probably thinking, yippee, big brother is handling it so I can just stick my head in the sand. Not everyone wants to or should be a caregiver.

Good luck.
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You have done this HOW many years without professional counseling? Without help from social workers? Without discussing it with her doctor and health team? WHY? And don't you think it is time? You may need to be FIRM with your husband about the steps you will take, and what you will do if he is not cooperative and caring about YOU. STEP ONE: Seeking outside professional help and referrals from social workers and medical people about your mother in law. STEP TWO: Seeing personal help and therapy from marriage counseling. STEP THREE: Tell him to make a change or else you and your daughter will LEAVE HIM and he will have to support you legally. STEP FOUR: Follow through and do not give in. NO, YOU ARE NOT required to KILL YOURSELF to help his mom. He doesn't even sound as if he is THANKFUL for any of your efforts.
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I know that some of the suggestions about checking into a hotel for the weekend, going on a week’s holiday etc, just aren’t financially feasible for many people. What is possible is just to stop doing the jobs you have been ‘volunteered’ for. I think it would be polite, and possibly productive, to discuss this with MIL and tell her what and why you are stopping the jobs.

She will be fine without regular showers – lots of posters have parents who haven’t washed for months and have still managed to avoid skin problems.
You can have frozen meals in the fridge and she or DH can heat them up.
The Depends cleanup can wait for DH to get home, at least for a few days.
She can stay in bed – you don’t have to get her up.

You don’t have to be nasty about this. Let MIL deal with any anger with DH, not you.

If you keep on doing all the jobs, neither DH, MIL or the various relations have any incentive to change. You need to stop doing them, and let the chips fall where they may.
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No you are not awful to feel that way. I feel the same way. My husband's mother moved in with us 6 years ago. He is an only child. We (all three of us) made an agreement back then when she came to a physical state wherein she was unable to take care of her personal needs, she would be moved to a nursing home. That time came about 2 years ago and as a result, my duties for caregiving have increased since my husband works 12 hour days. I work 9 hour days and then I get to go straight home and begin caregiving duties for the 3 hours. I cannot go anywhere after work, hang out with my friends or even get my nails done. I have had no vacation in 6 years because we cannot leave her alone over night and have no other family to help us with her care. I have no life. I am 50 years old, had Stage 3 breast cancer, and undergone a back & heel surgery in the last 5 years. I am exhausted, my body fatigued, I am stressed, depressed, lonely and not appreciated. I have already raised my kids and am supposed to be to being living my life now. I have begged for help which has fallen on deaf ears due to costs and available caregivers and its is now starting to impact my marriage. I thought that I had my husband convinced to move her to a home back in March of this year, when she threatened him with suicide. Of course no son wants that on their conscience. So my suffering continues along with the impacts of this situation on my marriage. I pray for a solution every day. I have no options and no hope. Blessings to all out there in this situation.
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Flowerhouse1952 Oct 2021
You do have options and hope! This is his family.. bit yours. You need to tell him he needs to find a caregiver for his mom because you're going on a much needed vacation and when you get back, he had better have things set up for her care or you'll be going on permanent vacation.
My husband done the same to me and i gave him a deadline way in advance with reputable caregiver places to call. He him/hawed, i left on vacation to visit my daughter. He thought i was bluffing. When i called him on my last day of vacation to see how things were going, he'd informed me that he took family leave till i got home. I told him he knew my demands so if that's what he chose to do, I won't be coming home. It took him 2 weeks to find help but he done it. I have a huge problem with husbands expecting their wives to take care of his family when they either don't want to or lack the patience and/ or skills to do so. Good luck and stand up for yourself because if you don't, no one else will.
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I can offer many different time saving tips and what not, but I have to jump right to the beginning of your problem and state the obvious.  When you are married to someone, those days of making life altering independent decisions are over.  He should have discussed this with you and the two of you needed to make the decision together.  3 1/2 yrs later is a bit late, but better late than never.  You need to have a calm rational conversation with him.  This is not fare to you and there are other options for his mom.  Ask how he would feel if you moved your dad in without consulting him and then left him to manage the care of your dad because he is a male....  I doubt he would go for that.  Remind him that he made this life altering decision without consulting you.  It's his mother and you know his heart was in a good place, but as his wife, the two of you can certainly come up with a solution going forward.  And that solution will be finding somewhere for his mom to go for care, because your care giving days are now limited to yourself, your daughter and him.
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Boundaries:
“The only people who get upset when you set boundaries, are the ones who benefited from you having none.”
Plan a vacation with your child and tell your husband to “hire a caregiver,” and send him a postcard.
Its always dumped on one human.
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It is NOT fair of your husband to do this to you!
If you feel you want or need to help your MIL, then do so, but leave the majority of work and finding caregiver help to him! How absurd for him to do this to you! Especially when you have a child to care for! Make your child your#1 priority. It's absolutely okay to feel resentment towards him! I'd give him a deadline to find a caregiver or you and your child will be moving out. He's taking advantage of you. Dont let him! Good luck to you...
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Awful???????? I don't mean to sound harsh but your partner moves a relative into your home, doesn't consult you, lets you handle all the associated "tasks" and you have waited this long to even think about saying something?? I don't get it. What did/is he offering that made you put up with this for move than 3 years. It must be something really good because with this much passage of time, I don't know if you can now even have the conversation that so many have correctly suggested. You're being a quiet slave has become part of his way of life. He may be quite bewildered when you confront him (actually you are confronting yourself..... why did you think you should put up with this treatment from your loving partner; and what kind of role model are you setting for your daughter??) but confront him and yourself you are going to have to do. Discuss alternate living and caregiving arrangements for your MIL so that you can be a family unit again. You can start by hiring professional caregivers to come in to assist MIL and provide some additional companionship. If that doesn't work when are planning a longer trip away from home, remember that many ALs, MC's and LTC facilities generally have an arrangement for respite care for a week or two. And it maybe that her needs have already progressed to the point that she would be more fully cared for in a facility. I'm sure your husband's family will have a short stoke on hearing that Mom may be placed in a facility and that is the perfect time to offer them an alternative..." We'll drive her up to your place next weekend".

Don't expect this confrontation with yourhusband or family to be easy or short but ultimately it is up to you to figure how much of this you can stand and what will be the best life for your daughter. She is your priority at the moment.

I wish you strength and hope in your journey.
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I think he is in the wrong. No other way to say it.
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Wow, not cool for your husband to spring this on you without discussing it first and getting your buy-in.

If your husband's 3 siblings don't want to shoulder the immense burden of time and labor required to care for their dependent mother, instead throwing all of that on your husband's back and especially yours, then those 3 siblings should be required to pay 100% of the cost for a caregiver to care for your MIL in your home for at least 12 hours per day, if not 24 hours.

Either that, or all four of them can rotate 3 months out of the year to do all the caregiving themselves.
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Since you have a young child who needs your undivided attention, it's time for his siblings to step up. It's up to your husband to take care of his business. What would happen to he and his mother if you got a divorce and would no longer be around to take care of her? He's lucky to have you!
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BurntCaregiver Oct 2021
Well said, DDD
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Somitting needs to be done before the marriage is destroyed.
Devidence what is best for you then let your husband know and then do it.
Check with mom's Insurance to see what they cover as far as in home health Care. Usually they will have a Nurse come out once to check on her and they will have an Aide come to give her a bath/shower/bedbath 3 times a week.
If .om's husband was in the Military then check with them as you can get up to 30 hrs a week free Caregiver help.

Tell all your husband's Siblings that they have a choice of helping with the Care or each paying money for Caregiver help.

Figure out what you want and need and let them know.
Caregivers cost $12 an hour.

All of your husband's Siblings should chip in to pay for 8-12 hrs a day 7 days a week for Care or each take her for a week at a time.
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You should book a vacation for you & daughter. Don’t say a word until after you’ve made reservations. Go to beach 🏖 resort or cruise 🚢 .
Tell him like a couple days before …if you are on board with hiring caregiver before you leave, fine. Otherwise, have him worry about it. Enjoy your vacation! 🍷
Hugs 🤗
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I think you need a marriage counselor. If your husband will not participate with you then it’s time to see a lawyer.
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You can move out, with your child, without a conversation with him too.

This issue is a big one & often does need a marriage counselor.

I remember a past poster who was threatened with divorce if she did not care for his Mom 12hrs/day & continue her job too.

I penned an ad for him "Man, middle aged, seeks wife #2 to care for MIL all day & work nights to pay for household expences. Also to do all household chores".

Wonder how that turned out?
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Just4d: Imho, this was INTOLERABLE behavior by your husband. As such, perhaps your volunteerism should end.
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NOT OK for your husband to have signed you up as caregiver. What does that say about your husband's respect for you and his attitude toward your marriage?

Is this a situation and marriage you even want to be in?

You and your daughter should leave and let your husband hire a paid caregiver for his mother.You may feel that's impossible if you and your daughter feel financially dependent on him, but your current situation sounds like slavery.
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Your MIL has several other kids that can provide respite care so your family can take a vacation or at least have every other week-end off. You would be surprised at how much having regular time "off" will help. Let's face it, if they don't want mom to live with them, they would be terribly caregivers if forced. Your feeling are totally normal. Make sure your family is being reimbursed for anything you spend for your MIL or your MIL is paying her expenses as her income allows if she has no assets. I have seen too many cases where one sib does the care and gets the short end $$ wise. Your husband should be POA and he should inherit the bulk of the estate as he is providing care that could easily be $10,000 a month, depending on need, in a facility.
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Wow! I honestly can't believe you have put up with this for 3.5 years. I agree with previous comments. Good luck!
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Its bad enough when a husband brings home a dog & you end up totally looking after the pet but this is your MIL!
You both need to seek help fast. Counselling & carers. Your husband was wrong to not even discuss this with you. Telling them to go on holiday is not going to be the answer. MIL is a person & not her fault she needs care. Maybe husband doesn't help because he's embarrassed to deal with toileting & bathing. So he's relying on you as a female.
You both need to look at options. I have carers come 4 times a day to bathe & hoist my dad from bed ,to chair , to commode. That will remove part of the problem about who bathes who.
Also ask for respite care so you , your husband & daughter can go out for a meal & chat about your feelings.
Caring is hardwork. My sister won't do personal care or help at night. She thinks helping is sitting with dad having a cup of tea for an hour & then disappearing for another week. So I've had no choice but to ask for outside help. I'm really feeling resentful towards my sister but I'm getting help so I can focus on dad & not waste my life being angry at my selfish sister
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