My mother has been living with my husband and I going on 5 years now. In that time period she has had 2 strokes, which fortunately didn’t cause any issues with her limbs but did a little cognitive damage. She has had a heart attack, pneumonia, numerous UTI’s to the point her urologist put a catheter in. Many hospital stays due to dehydration. Last year she had C. Diff twice. We’ve done skilled nursing to get her stronger, home health care, asked her to drink more water, walk around some. With all of that going on, we have included her in every family event, birthdays, holidays and vacations.
We have made reservations to go the the beach for a week, which I have not shared with her. My husband and daughter don’t want her to go, because they want a real vacation. Not one that consist of “catering” to her many needs. She can’t get in the pool, she can’t walk on solid ground much less sand. My husband doesn’t want to be in charge of the wheelchair to push her around on the beach. I have given up all of my interest because when we plan to do something she literally gets sick or falls down and we are at the ER. I try not to think it’s on purpose but it does at times feel that way. All she does all day is sit in her room watching tv, playing on her phone or sleeping. When she does come downstairs with me she wants to talk about the past with my dad (they have been divorced for over 40 years and it was an abusive relationship). When I tell her I’m not going to talk about that stuff, She tells her sister and my siblings on the phone that she has to watch what she says cause I’m just so put out with her. Tells them how tense things are. I have lost it with her when she pulls her toenails off and bleeds everywhere as she is on a blood thinner and is anemic. 😡She literally only comes downstairs twice a day if that.
I know I deserve a trip without the responsibility of all that is her. But I know I will have all the passive aggressive or guilt comments when I get back. Or my sister and her sister will have something to say yet they have been of no help in the 5 years I’ve had her. We tried to put her in AL but she just doesn’t have the money for that. Which by the was 6 months ago and I still get to hear about how that made her feel. 🤦🏻♀️ I don’t know what I’m asking for...guess I just needed to vent in a safe place. 😓
PLS arrange for respite care for Mom, so you and the family can go on vacation.You need to build precious memories on your family vacations..
Caregiving wears on your mental and physical health..You have done this caregiving for an inordinately long time..I sacrificed, and learned the hard way, I needed to spend quality vacations with my husband and daughters..My Mom adjusted..And I returned with a healthier perspective/patience level for her needs..
Prayers to you, build those precious memoirs..All deserve, need a rest!🙏🏻😇❤️
let me repeat that (wish I had larger caps)
GO!
You need a break but just as important your family needs a break!
Find Assisted Living for her that will do a week of Respite.
Arrange the date and time you will bring her. (I suggest adding 2 days to the week. Drop her off the day before you leave and pick her up the day after you return. You can pack and get out of the house without interruption. And you can get back, unpack and do a load of wash before you pick her up.
On the other hand if you really think your sister will have a lot to say about this when you get back ask her if she will come stay with mom for a week, or take mom to her place for a week (plus 2 days)
When you get back..you know you will have passive aggressive behavior so you can deal with it. You won't have to deal with what your sister says cuz either she will have told you no she won't stay with mom or no mom can't come stay with her and those were the option for not placing her in AL for respite.
You might even have the discussion with your husband and with your sister that this might be a bit much for the family and if Al works out for mom it might work into a permanent placement if that is an option.
Go! Recharge your batteries! You have not had a break for five years!
And then when you get back you will be much better able to bandage her toes without wanting to strangle her with the bandages instead, and to shrug off uninformed comments from people who should try it before they speak.
Giant hugs to you, please please say you will go.
You can apply for Medicaid for her and place her in LTC, I believe that it is time for you to get your life back, your husband and daughter deserve better.
Others have given you good advice, please consider their comments.
What is “a little cognitive damage”? Has she been formally assessed in terms of her cognitive status?
How old is YOUR DAUGHTER? How does she deal with Grandma’s presence in HER home?
How much does your mother pay for the room, board and care she receives in your home. Who has determined that her resources make her ineligible for Medicaid?
OP, your obligation to your mother is that she be safe and cared for. With her NUMEROUS CONDITIONS, one of her any physicians may well decide that she’d be WELL SERVED in a skilled nursing facility. FIND OUT!
You have to be the agent for change in this morass. You are presently the virtuous dumpster. Do you want to be? If not, do the research- what are your mother’s assets? What are your mother’s ACTUAL NEEDS? OBJECTIVELY, how can her needs be met without impinging on the lives of other members of her family?
YOU have let her care impose upon you for FIVE YEARS. If YOU WANT CHANGE, FIGHT FOR IT. Stop wasting your energies in worrying about what your mother or your sister or her sister say to each other or to you UNLESS THEY ARE WILLING TO TAKE ON PART OF THIS TRAIN WRECK AND GET IT OFF YOU.
DO THE RESEARCH. ADDRESS HER REAL NEEDS. ADDRESS. YOUR REAL NEEDS, and those of your husband and daughter. Act, out of love and dignity.
You ARE WORTH IT.
You deserve a vacation with just your family. How can it be a vacation if you have to constantly care for someone. Tell your siblings what you are planning. Ask if someone would be willing to stay with Mom. If no one will, then start looking for respite care in an AL or LTC. Or find someone u can trust to stay with her. If she ends up in the hospital, one of your siblings can handle things.
Who cares what she says after your trip? Who cares what her sister and your sister have to say? One word from them and you take Mum on a one way visit to go stay with them.
I have an extremely passive-aggressive mother myself, to the point of insanity actually. I read a terrific article on that subject last night and am sharing the link with you in hopes that you will recognize the behavior and how it's designed to drive you crazy:
https://www.liveyourtruestory.com/examples-of-passive-aggressive-behaviour-communication/
I have found the article to be VERY helpful in identifying certain behaviors my mother shows me that I DETEST, and how to react (or better yet, how NOT to react and feed the issue).
Go on vacation. Have fun. Place mother where she can have other people her own age to vent and complain to. She'll be fine AND she'll have a whole team of care givers to cater to her. It's a win-win.
Best of luck!
I had all the concerns that you do. I hated the passive aggressive behavior when mom didn’t get her way.
Here’s the thing though, your mom is going to complain if you stay home. She is going to complain if you go off. So by all means, go off! Use respite care. Some assisted living facilities have wonderful respite care so families can go on vacation.
Who taught me that important lesson when I needed to learn? My husband. Your husband loves you and wants you to have a life too.
Mom no longer lives with me and the weight of the world is off of my shoulders.
Hugs! It’s hard.
I would set up quarterly respite on your mom’s dime.
If her other daughters want to spare her the expense and keep her, great, but plan your trips for when she is on respite. It’s not contingent on anyone being willing. It’s about your standing up for what you and your family need.
You don’t need her permission. Rethink having to be wherever she is. I assume she’s free to move if she’s unhappy about you taking some time. I’m indignant for you. Sorry. At least think about it. Enjoy your vacation.
note: I see ITRR and I had basically the same thought. Worth saying twice so I’ll leave it. You go girl.
You can enlist your siblings or put her in a respite facility. When she starts her garbage when you get home, yep mom and that is the very reason that I needed a break. It is all about her in her head and that you can tell her is nonsense and you and your family will be taking care of your needs or she will be finding a new address, maybe a nursing home would be the very thing.