My mother has been living with my husband and I going on 5 years now. In that time period she has had 2 strokes, which fortunately didn’t cause any issues with her limbs but did a little cognitive damage. She has had a heart attack, pneumonia, numerous UTI’s to the point her urologist put a catheter in. Many hospital stays due to dehydration. Last year she had C. Diff twice. We’ve done skilled nursing to get her stronger, home health care, asked her to drink more water, walk around some. With all of that going on, we have included her in every family event, birthdays, holidays and vacations.
We have made reservations to go the the beach for a week, which I have not shared with her. My husband and daughter don’t want her to go, because they want a real vacation. Not one that consist of “catering” to her many needs. She can’t get in the pool, she can’t walk on solid ground much less sand. My husband doesn’t want to be in charge of the wheelchair to push her around on the beach. I have given up all of my interest because when we plan to do something she literally gets sick or falls down and we are at the ER. I try not to think it’s on purpose but it does at times feel that way. All she does all day is sit in her room watching tv, playing on her phone or sleeping. When she does come downstairs with me she wants to talk about the past with my dad (they have been divorced for over 40 years and it was an abusive relationship). When I tell her I’m not going to talk about that stuff, She tells her sister and my siblings on the phone that she has to watch what she says cause I’m just so put out with her. Tells them how tense things are. I have lost it with her when she pulls her toenails off and bleeds everywhere as she is on a blood thinner and is anemic. 😡She literally only comes downstairs twice a day if that.
I know I deserve a trip without the responsibility of all that is her. But I know I will have all the passive aggressive or guilt comments when I get back. Or my sister and her sister will have something to say yet they have been of no help in the 5 years I’ve had her. We tried to put her in AL but she just doesn’t have the money for that. Which by the was 6 months ago and I still get to hear about how that made her feel. 🤦🏻♀️ I don’t know what I’m asking for...guess I just needed to vent in a safe place. 😓
You write some good comments on this forum. Are you homebound being unable to walk or do you have some accommodations that facilitate your getting out and about?
(Or perhaps it is none of my business. My own mother was unable to walk so I grew up in a family where making special arrangements was the Norm.)
Cheers.
Nevertheless, I agree that she should enjoy her vacation!
Someone up thread also suggested taking turns sitting with her in the hotel room. Again, how is that a vacation? My SIL went to a Caribbean island with a couple as their babysitter. The couple went and had a blast while expecting SIL to sit in the hotel room all day/night with a fussy baby. By day three she was utterly miserable.
Go and have a great trip. Put mom in respite care and tell one of your siblings they are in charge of her for the week. Turn off your phone.
Boy if that ain’t the truth! And that’s such one-sided thinking. Everything seems to be about the elder and keeping them happy. And I despise it. All too often the caregiver is totally overlooked when people give advice. I totally agree with you—if you have to spend all your time making sure the elder is content: it’s not a vacation. So what’s the point?
Not only do you desire this trip but your family does too. You can not be a good advocate for your loved one if you get burned out. I can't tell you how many times the caregivers of my clients have passed away before their loved one because they did not take care of themselves!
Take care of yourself so you can care for her!
Where does she fit in?
Do not discuss the trip with mom at all. I don't think they get sick to guilt you. I think they get stressed out about the 'what if' situations they start thinking about if you are not there to handle things. The more time she has to think about you being gone, she can certainly make herself anxiously sick. Discuss it the day before that you are going out of town because you need a rest and that so-and-so will be with her all day and all night. If sisters are willing to make day visits, at the very least, then let them rake you over the coals if that's their choice. Who cares.
Take the vacation and get some rest for mind and body.
I was in therapy when I learned t shut my mother up. She was always talking bad about my father. She had done so all my life. Finally, with therapy I learned how to tell her off. I said, "You picked him to be my father, then you stayed with him. You tried to make Bill (brother) and I feel guilty by telling us it was for our sakes you did it. But, even after we were grown and gone you stayed. When he died, he left you a pension and you accept it. I do not want to ever hear anything bad about him again because he is the father you chose for me". Everytime she would start to put him down, I would say, "I do not want to hear it". Finally she would start, then say, "Oh, that's right YOU don't want to hear it" in a real snotty voice. I would just say, "Yes, I do not want to hear it." After awhile she gave up the fight.
As the bible says, a man (or woman) will leave his/her father and mother and will cling to his wife/husband and the two will become one flesh. Don't put up with their sh*t. You do not deserve it.
By all means, go and have a wonderful time. Know that you more than deserve the time away. You have given all, now is time for you to enjoy, even if for just a week. Leaving mom with good care for that week is nothing to feel guilty about. Let it go.
Also, as far as toenails, she should be treated by a Podiatrist every couple of months. She can get a toe infection from what she does.
Enjoy your vacation! Hugs 🤗
Keep trying to communicate with your mom as best you can despite the cognitive difficulties, it helps you. Doing right by her and your conscience does have rewards. Find a way to get help so your own quality of life doesn't suffer so much. I really do understand.
Go love he beach. You need it.
Your mother is not going to be happy if you stay home with her while the family holidays.
Your mother is not going to be happy if she goes into Respite care.
Your mother is not going to be happy if your siblings take her in for a time.
Your mother is not going to be happy if you get a carer in for the week.
So what are you going to do about your mother not being happy? Nothing! If people are determined to be unhappy it is not your problem. You have taken on the responsibility of her care and safety NOT her attitude.
Make some arrangements for Respite in one way or another, and just go on your very brief vacation! Enjoy your freedom.
Furthermore, while you have arrangements in place, why not try to spin the week into a fortnight, even a month. After 5 years of non stop caring for an ungrateful patient you deserve it. You also need to reconnect with your husband and daugter. They have been part of this caring business too and need the break.
Caring shouldn't keep you from having time off - during the week and vacation trips. You should enjoy yourself. If there is fall out, suggest that the complainer take mom on for a bit of caring themselves, like a year. (Yes that was snarky of me, but suggest that the others care for your mom more regularly).