Follow
Share

He has always been a very capable and independent person and very resistant to being told what to do. He also has a history of anger issues, due to a dysfunctional childhood, which he’d worked on and had reached a place of peace. Now that anger is coming back out, is usually irrational and he is alienating his family members who are my only support where we live.


I am very concerned about what will happen when the time comes that I need to stop him from driving. Any details of how you have managed this problem would be appreciated.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
I hate to be the barer of bad news but the time HAS come that your husband shouldn't be driving.
Someone driving with any of the dementias is no different than someone driving while under the influence of drugs or alcohol, and should NOT be behind the wheel of any vehicle.
While I know you are dreading his anger outbursts when he's told he can no longer drive, I would venture to guess that you would dread even more if he were to hit and kill some innocent person or God forbid a child, right?
I would go on your husbands patient portal and tell his doctor exactly what is going on and ask him to not only tell your husband that he can no longer drive, but to report him to the DMV as well.
That way it'll be the doctors fault that he can't drive and not yours.
But until you can get that taken care of, just make sure that you're the one driving wherever you all need to go.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

If his car has a key fob with a battery, you can remove the battery. That way the car won’t open or start for him. Blame it on the car. Say it needs repair. Somehow the repair never happens!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

If you want to get him diagnosed, you might have to kind of do it behind his back. As someone said, use the online portal (if you have that setup) and tell the doc what's been going on. Schedule an appointment to start the process. You might have to do some therapeutic fibbing to move the process along but I personally think that's OK. When I was getting my mom diagnosed, that's what I did. I wanted to know exactly what I was dealing with and found a diagnosis very helpful.

Start documenting hubby's behavior so you can give specific examples. That will be very helpful.

As far as driving, do you have 2 cars or 1? If you have 2, I would get rid of yours and make hubby's your only car, that you start driving. Again, fibbing is good in these touchy situations. Your car gets broken and just doesn't get fixed. Remove it from the property. Out of sight, out of mind. With my mom, she stopped driving over the winter and then I just kept it going until we got to the doc who I had pre-arranged with to tell mom no more driving. Mom was pissed but it was necessary. I could not deal with the possibility of her killing someone when I knew her brain was not what it used to be. It's just not fair to the world in general or to him or you either.

So sorry you are dealing with this. I am worried about this happening to my husband some day. Best of luck.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

You will need some sort of criteria that triggers his being done with driving. My Mom is 94 (lives next door to me) and still drives. I periodically drive with her on the slower, local roads to see how she's doing. Fortunately, she is self-limiting, knowing her own limits. Back in August I was her passenger on a return trip from a surgery I had. She did amazingly well. I had an Uncle who was in his 90s and had a "senior moment" in the car, went through a red light and got t-boned, killing his wife, a 2x cancer survivor.

Your best strategy is to figure out a scenario where losing his driving privilege is "some one else's fault". I went online and anonymously reported my 90-yr old Aunt when I found out her vision was really bad, and her sister was acting as her co-pilot eyes, driving 11 miles to destinations. Plus, her car had a lot of dings and dents that she coudn't remember how they got there. I gave as much evidence to the FL DMV as possible. They in turn sent her a letter instructing her to come in for an eye exam. I made sure no one took her to this appointment. So, because she didn't go her license expired.

You may want to consider hiding a Apple Air Tag in his car and checking where he is going and at what speeds, and whether it seems he is getting lost. My friend did this and found out her sweet lil ol' Mom was tearing down side roads and making abrupt, illegal u-turns on the highway. You may need to have the car "disappear" for "repairs", allow his license to lapse, tell him the insurance is too expensive... whatever storyline he may swallow. Then again, he may not buy any of it but don't worry about that until it happens. Being angry is NOT a reason to take away someone's driving privilege. You'll need actual evidence of something he's doing poorly so that you don't fight with him for no reason and can blame the loss on someone else's decision. You can engage your neighbors to watch out for him and be additional eyes on him, letting you know if they see any bad driving as well.

It may also be time to try to get him some anti-anxiety /agitation meds from his doctor. You may be able to tell him it's the one condition he has to meet in order to keep driving for now (whether or not that's true is up to you). I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart on this journey.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

If you are hubbys POA, you can place him in Memory Care Assisted Living against his will if necessary. Anger issues with elders suffering from dementia can endanger your life. Please tell his doctor whats going on and get a prescription for calming meds for him. Call 911 if you are threatened and be sure to remove any firearms from the home.

Funkygrandma is right. Dh should not be driving NOW. I suggest you read this 33 page booklet to learn about dementia. Lots of Do's and Don't tips for dealing with dementia sufferers are suggested in the booklet. There is a segment devoted to driving, and how a wife handled the matter with her husband suffering from dementia.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.

The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.

The full copy of her book is available here:

https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2

Best of luck.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

If you get a chance watch "The Goldbergs" episode "The Circle of Driving"
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter