My husband and I want to go away for 2 nights to get some time alone, am I wrong for wanting this?

Go with your husband. Your entitled to some time without her.

No, you are not wrong.

Mom's memory loss may very well be grief associated with losing her lifetime partner. Dad has only been gone for a few months. Mom's grief in mom's time.

Perhaps she would go to a doctor because of memory loss associated with losing dad. There are medications that could help if grief is the cause.

Enjoy your couple of days away. And turn off your phones. Ask a neighbor to check in on mom. Don't tell mom.

How long do you plan on staying with mom? I would sure get that plan in place so you can return to your own home and lives. You are enabling mom. Time to stop.

She is being ungrateful, manipulative, and all around a senior brat. SUPER ungrateful I might add.

The more she whines, the more you tell her that fine, you will have to stay in respite care for when we are gone or have a full-time sitter. Either way, SHE will have to pay for it and the prices are not like 1975 like so many entitled elders believe.

She wants to be a reasonable adult? Then she can stop whining about how she can't be alone. If she truly can't, it's probably time to investigate said other options before this gets worse and worse for you.

Take your time together. You are not wrong. Maybe see if someone can check in on her. You are newlyweds and as such need a life of your own. I would think about moving out. Maybe living near but not with her. She needs to get back into life and doing for herself. You can watch to see if its Dementia or stress and grief.

Hi,
You're not wrong in going away--you absolutely need a break. Her dementia might be driving her disgruntlement. Why not see if you can arrange for her friends to run by and peek in--maybe take her to lunch each day--when you're out of town? Then you'll know someone's had a chance to make sure she's doing fine on her own, and she gets to do something nice too.

First- you are definitely NOT WRONG to look forward to some alone respite time from the sadness and stresses of your loss.

Second, could it be possible that you are missing signs that her memory loss and grief reactions may be more serious than you’ve considered? Short term decision making includes many aspects of self care, and forgetfulness, perhaps appearing to be “absent mindedness”, could mean that she’s consciously or unconsciously fearing that she really wouldn’t be able to manage if you (or someone else) weren’t there to offer her support.

If she has a physician, that person may be informed in a note that you have concerns about her present cognitive/emotional functioning and can do a basic screening the next time she’s in the office, and the information gained may help you moving forward in your efforts to support her.

Is there someone in her circle of friends who might be willing to do “drop in” visits while you and your husband are away? Would you and your husband feel more secure deferring your plans for a bit longer, until you get some additional input into what’s happening to her now?

Overall, it may be time to start observing and noting how she actually does day to day, rather than seeking her input, just in case HER cognitive/emotional situation isn’t quite what it should be.

Tough spot for young marrieds, and all the more reason to be sure of what you’re dealing with.

Hopes that you will soon be able to enjoy some time as newlyweds, AND feel secure that you’re doing right by her too.

You say your mother is living in your home and refuses to see a doctor. I'd issue her an ultimatum: either see a doctor immediately for a full medical workup or I'll help you find a nice Assisted Living community to live in, mom. The socialization in an ALF can be very beneficial for her, being a widow now, and the activities can help her create a new lifestyle that isn't centered around YOU and your DH being her only source of entertainment.

Regardless of everything, at 75, your mom should move out of your house *or you out of her house* and become somewhat independent now that your father has passed. My condolences on your loss. Once you know what medical conditions she has, you can go from there.

That said, I'd go on your vacation but I wouldn't turn my phone off. If your mother is dealing with ANY dementia of ANY kind, you need to be available for her if she needs you, in my opinion. She's a recent widow and hurting, in addition to possibly suffering from dementia, so she should get a pass for her manipulative behavior right now, pending a doctor's visit. See if someone like a neighbor or friend can look in on her while you're gone. Short term memory loss is the most dangerous type of memory loss, really, and can cause trouble for your mom if she forgets to turn the stove off or something like that.

Wishing you the best of luck with everything, and I hope you have fun on your trip!

They moved in with mom. Mom is only 75. They are mid 40's at the most I would guess ?

Just a quick question...how is it you found out that she's been telling all her friends how "disgusted" she is with you wanting to go away? Is this something you've overheard her saying, or have you been informed of this by one of her "helpful" friends?

Whether or not you should go - and I think, absolutely you should- if mom has really been saying these things behind your back, maybe have a conversation with her about it. It doesn't have to be acrimonious, mind you, but if you're going to continue to stay with her as her primary caregiver, it might be better to clear the air, so to speak.

However, if you've gotten this tale from a third-party, please bear in mind that there are people in this world that take sadistic pleasure in causing this kind of strife between people for no better reason than it entertains them. It could very well be a "friend" asked mom "don't you think it's disgusting they would leave you alone, you, a poor widow? " and when mom made a noncommittal response, this person runs to you with the tale that mom is "disgusted" with you. If you've gotten this information from another person - not something you've/husband's overheard yourself, please consider strongly the source of the information before you condemn mom.

If your mother is going around telling people how disgusted she is that you're leaving her alone, but on the other hand tells you she's fine with it, then her dementia could be worse than you might think and some long term care plans will need to be made for her. I would still confront her about what she's saying about you behind your back to other people.If her dementia isn't do bad, then you handle that senior brat the same way you handle a brat child. Pay them no attention whatsoever and go on your vacation. Instead of going for two days, make it a week. Let your mother wallow in her own misery and self-pity while you have a good time.
You moved in to help with your father who has now gone on. It is not your fault that your mother lost her husband and it is not for you and your husband to now become her whipping posts because she's depressed. It's also not for you to have to become her social life. Did your plans when you moved in include becoming mom's caregivers? I'm going to say they probably didn't.
It's time for you and your husband to move out back into your own place and arrange some care plans for your mother that do not include you having to do everything.

I hope you do the getaway with zero guilt or misgivings. And I hope when you return you’ll seriously consider whether this living arrangement is really good for any of you

According to your profile you've only been married for one year. You certainly don't need to be living with your mom now that your dad has passed, as you need to making your husband and your marriage your top priority if you want a fighting chance that your marriage will last.
Of course you should be getting away by yourselves! You're newlyweds for pete's sake! How romantic can things be when mom is around all the time?
And when you get back from your little getaway, you need to start looking for a place of your own and perhaps an assisted living facility for mom, where she will be around folks her own age, and can start rebuilding her life without her husband, and you and your husband can finally start your married life without being caregivers.

You do need to get away. Even though she can be alone, arrange for someone to come in several times during the day to visit and check on her. Maybe even ask one of her friends spend the two days with her - or nights with her while you're gone.

Hi,you should not feel bad for wanting refreshment in yr life a getaway..You may feel better if you have someone stay with her " Peace of mind" that she will be ok..💕

No; simply, no, you are not 'wrong'. Your mom is still grieving, and even the stress of loss can cause short term memory lapses because of the emotional overwhelm. In a sense, you can't take anything your mom does or says too seriously/personally because of the emotional overload. Go ahead with your plans, with backup in place in case your mom needs help nearby, or even see if a friend could drop in on her or have a 'sleepover'...make it a fun thing for her too!? Respite is necessary to remain sane/healthy and then be up to the challenges of eldercare. You might even want to schedule regular 'getaways' and if it becomes a routine it might not be as stressful for your mom, giving her some variety as well.

I think you should ask your mother why she is telling her friends one thing and saying the opposite to you. The obvious answer is that she has mixed feelings, not about your mini-break with your husband but about being alone. Perhaps one or two of those friends could call or visit during the two days, just to set everybody's mind at rest?

You've raised two points which particularly set my teeth on edge. One is the smell of burning martyr, and your mother is giving off a distinct whiff of this just now. The other is guessing instead of asking: it's much better to ask your mother a direct question and work with her truthful answer than to guess at what her real feelings are in the vain hope of making her always happy about absolutely everything that ever happens.

Just one thing, though. Your short-term memory is what tells you you've left the hot tap running or a pan on the stove, so in relation to her being safe alone at home it is much more important than remembering the presidential succession, for example. How unreliable is hers?

Probably someone familiar should stay with her 24/7 while you’re away. Hugs 🤗

Yes, go on your mini vacation. You might also consider having "a friend" (hire somebody) stay with mom during this time so she will not be alone. Hype the things she will/can do with this "friend" that she enjoys. Make a vacation for everybody.

No.

You definitely have the right to take your mini vacation.You also have a life that has to be lived.If your mom is being taken care of while you are gone,go for it.Continued care without a break will only lead to problems and resentments down the road.My wife and I are caring for her mother and we took a whole month off and had PSW’s care for her while we were away.I think her mother showed more appreciation for us when we returned.It was a win win.

You definitely have the right to take your mini vacation.You also have a life that has to be lived.If your mom is being taken care of while you are gone, go for it.Continued care without a break will only lead to problems and resentments down the road.My wife and I are caring for her mother and we took a whole month off and had PSW’s care for her while we were away.I think her mother showed more appreciation for us when we returned.It was a win win.

Unfortunately, this tendency to be two-faced is all too common in the elderly. They become self-absorbed, tho they insist they’re not. Just let her know what your plan is - DO IT - and come back smiling. Your life comes first: it simply must. In some ways, you must now be the parent. You set the routine that you can manage, Get some help wherever & whenever you can: parents forget that adult children cannot - nor should they be expected - to do it all. I say this on my 84th birthday & mean it!

Of course you should go away for a break if you don’t she will continue to dominate your life and you will end up miserable my mother tries this as well but I don’t let her away with it stand your ground

Know your limits and set your boundaries now. Think of it as a break and schedule future plans accordingly. Let your mother know that this is your plan going forward. Maintain your life while supporting hers.

Of course you aren’t wrong. Go on that trip and add a couple of more days to it. If you give in now to the manipulation it will give her the message that it worked and the behavior will continue. I feel for your Mom but you need a break.

is there someone who can check on her while you are gone?

Reiterating what has already been stated…

1. Perhaps a discussion is needed of where she could go or who could come stay with her. She possibly wants you to go away but the closer it gets, fears may be setting in of what might happen if she is alone.

2. Short term memory issues does not mean she is ok to be alone. A lot can happen if she can’t remember your reminders of how to stay safe… Even if you write a list she may move it or forget to review it.

3. No you are not wrong for wanting to get away, but consider ways to assure your mom she will be safe and all of you will benefit… if nothing, she may be calling you repeatedly asking where things are or when you are coming home.

My mom's AL told me not to tell Mom when I'm going away. Said her whole personality changes. So....when I go, I call everyday as normal (just make sure to check the weather in her area so you don't slip up). I'm going away next week - I'm using the excuse that we can't visit due to being exposed to covid. We get away, she's none the wiser - my brother is on call.

I think you should go. My Mom used to do the same thing to me. She would tell me not to "neglect" my husband, and please go with him to our vacation home from time to time. I rarely did, but when I did, she would call me constantly and say "When are you coming home"? From time to time she would say to her caretaker "She has some nerve leaving me". LOL.
My point is GO - it's just a weekend and your Mom right now is at a place where she can take care of herself. In time, as she declines, you won't get these opportunities at all.
You can install wifi cameras around the house that you access from your phone. I like the Wyze brand on Amazon, simple to set up and very reasonably priced.
You can contact other family members and her friends and have them call and/or pop in on her. I'm sure you will be calling her a couple of times daily yourself.
She is used to you being there all the time and she is just feeling a little vulnerable, which is natural. A weekend getaway is a much needed gift to you and your husband. Enjoy it as much as you can!

You definitely need to get away and deserve time alone. I know the guilt feeling all too well, but, save your marriage. Ask a friend or family member to call your mom while you are away to check on her.
Your mom may not say nice things about your get away, thats okay. I hope you go and enjoy your time. Like you said it's just 2 days.

If her friends are clear of mind, do you actually think her friends don't understand her dementia? If you're looking for affirmation, take your trip. Take more than one through the year. Your Mom's dementia is into the "me" mode and you should have been warned and prepared for it. I read where a caregiver has hurt feelings and as a caregiver you have to learn to let the hurtful things roll off your back like water on a duck. Can she be left alone as you say or do you have someone coming in to at least sit with her? That's the only thing you should be including in your plans, not how her dementia is affecting her reasoning on this trip. Enjoy your trip and many more.