My husband and I are starting to have to think about where my MIL will live, and I DON'T want her moving in with us. How can I convince him?

For me this would be a simple deal breaker in the marriage. It would not be something I would consider. I would sit my husband down and tell him I understand how well meaning he is, I understand his love of his Mom, but I would not be able to live with his Mom on my property, and I would be leaving the marriage if this occurred.
I would tell him I understand his dilemma, but that imho Mom needs placement if she cannot remain on her own.
I would not argue why.
I would not discuss my own issues.
I would simply say I have limitations, I understand that I am not a Saint and won't be applying for Sainthood soon, but that it is a very simple me or Mom proposition.
So that is where I am in all of this. The discussion would stop right there. And if the building of the addition began I would leave RIGHT THEN AND THERE and go on my own. I would remain sweet to my beloved hubby and I would tell him I can perhaps help with shopping and the occ. casserole, but I will be busy making my own life.
Now it's up to you. You can only decide for you. If you let your husband go ahead with all this without making him understand you cannot do this and may leave then it is ON YOU when the marriage ends and ends with bankruptcy. You already know you don't want this. The reasons are not important. I am not here to argue the issue of how nice MIL is or how much privacy you will have (you WON'T have ANY) or how much care you won't have to do or and of the rest of it.
If you cannot bring yourself to be honest here, and are not certain in your own mind where you stand then I suggest counseling RIGHT NOW. Because this is coming fast, and will be here before you know it.
Reference another poster today who moved Dad in and now Dad is sitting and saying "Too bad. I am not leaving. I am not going anywhere."
I am being tough here, but imho you need to "get this", or you will be drowning in decade of caregiving to someone you don't even LIKE instead of spending the best, the most carefree time of your life, you and your husband, traveling, perhaps building a little second home in the woods to watch the wildlife as I did with my Partner.
Please think about this. Get help. Give up the wishy-washy and embrace your own limitations and your own needs for your OWN LIFE.
I wish you the best. Believe me. I DO.

Do not allow any talk of her moving in with you. If mommas boy makes her a higher priority than you, count your divorce among your blessings. She cannot live with you and that is final end of

I don't see the part where you and your husband talked to MIL about where she'd like to live..?

You've talked to each other, you've each started forming (pretty much opposed) plans, you've concluded that she can't continue to live alone. But has either of you asked her what she thinks about beginning to move forward?

Meanwhile, ask her to consider a falls alarm. I'd take yesterday's incident as pretty positive, seeing as she apparently managed to get herself out of it (did she?); but I haven't yet met a client who was sorry she had an alarm. Plenty who'd been very sorry they hadn't, though.

How old is MIL because our replies should be based on that. You mention kids living home, if she is 60 or 70, she can still be on her own. 80s or 90s, placement is better. Diabetes and mobility issues does not mean she can't be on her own. The last thing you should do is bring her into your home. There are options and they should be researched. Your husbands frustration with her will not get better. Now he can walk away if she is living with you very hard to do.

Like I have told my husband for years, two women cannot live in the same house. One always considers it hers and resents anything the other tries to do. Like you, I liked my MIL but I did not love her. Because of lies she told people concerning me I only visited when my DH was with me. I am sure that if she returned here to live after FIL died, she would be doing exactly what ur MIL does. I TG that the decision for her to live with us never needed to be made. She passed at the age of 92.

So MIL has options. There must be more affordable places than the cottages. Maybe a nice apartment nearby. Sell her house and use those proceeds to offset her SS and any pension she may receive. Depending on her age and health issues maybe a nice AL. But the proceeds of the house will only last so long. So then its Medicaid paying for her care in a nice LTC facility.

Like I said age should be a factor in your decision. If Mom is in her 60s even 70s, she could live another 20 or 30 years. Her needs, especially as a diabetic, will change and are you willing to be her Caregiver. Some of the questions on this forum are "How do I get my husband to care for his mother, he seems to think thats my job"

Does husband think that he can use proceeds of the sale of Moms house to build the addition? If Mom needs Medicaid within the next 5 years, those proceeds will be considered a gift and there will be a penalty. Medicaid does not look at the addition as something done for Mom but something you profit from if u sell your house. Any upgrades done for Mom do not get done out of her money if there is a likelihood she will need Medicaid within 5 yrs of the upgrade.

Construction materials are very high now. Maybe better putting the addition on hold and finding her a nice apt nearby. Then go from there. DH needs to set boundries especially if he gets frustrated with his Mom. He has to be ready to enforce them too. "No Mom, I cannot come over right now". He does not break plans with your or the kids to run over to Moms to fix a sink that she can call a plumber to do. Really, she would have to wait either way. She will try to step over these boundries its up to husband to stand firm. He has a family and they have priority.

The OP *does* like her! She says so. And nowhere is it written that liking a person necessarily implies that you want her living on the other side of a connecting door in your house.

Asking someone what she would like for her latter years equally does not imply that you're offering your own home, and especially not if the adaptations would cost $100K - I don't see anything to suggest that MIL herself even sees this as being on the cards. I think the OP and her DH are making the classic error of guessing in advance what the person will say without consulting her, and this is the conversation that needs to be had *before* anybody packs to leave or anybody else hires an architect.

Convince him by asking who is he emotionally married to and tell him if he does not say you, then divorce. Times and situation like this really shows the depth of one's marital intimacy.

Scarlet,

Just want you to realize that members like me and Alva are older Seniors, me 72 and Alva 80. A number of us in that age group. Some of us married at least twice. Most have had parents move in and regretted it, especially when there are children still at home. I cared for my Mom, 86, for 20 months and I found I was not a Caregiver and with her money placed her in an AL and later LTC. And she was easy. The problem was me. Alva had a brother in an AL and took care of everything he was not able to. As others on the forum, we have been there. I had it easy compared to a lot of members.

We tend to look at Caring thru Rose colored glasses. That Dementia lady on TV rocking away in her rocker staring at the wall, someone says "whats wrong with her?" "senial ". Believe me those suffering from Dementia do not sit in a rocker all day staring at a Wall. You will be caring for this woman if u bring her into ur home. I had two friends with diabetes, one juvenile the other #2. Both had leg amputations because gangrene set in. Both wheelchair bound and lucky they had spouses who cared for them.

I think your husband is looking at this as a solution so he doesn't have to run back and forth. The one thing I would say to him is, you bring her here, you are responsible for her. Tell him just because she lives there does not mean she needs to be included in everything you do as a family. If she gets to the point she needs to be cared for physically, he will be doing it right down to bathing and showering unless she hires an aide. Her neediness is going to get worse. She will be crying how lonely she is. No one cares. The kids don't talk to me. (Kids are smart, they can leave)

Me, I would be perfectly happen with a bathroom, bedroom and sitting room (with a fridg and microwave) added on to daughters house. She probably would never see me. No different than being in my Den all day.

I’m confused as to how the retirement community idea is too expensive but building an addition for $100,000 is not. ..& you know that every time you do home additions &/or improvements, it always ends up being more expensive. Maintain separate residences. If he insists on moving his mother in, you will automatically become her full time babysitter/caregiver. If she’s starting to fall often, she may have some dementia. Suggest to husband to get her to neurologist. Stand firm in your beliefs. Hugs 🤗

Marriage has many compromises.. but unless you want to sign up for MIL-care, this does not need to be one of them.

Rehearse your wording then find the right time when your husband is listening & tell him how you feel. Depending on your style, be gentle or be brutally blunt.

Explain all the details if you like or make it one sentence... but leave the message clear *MIL will not live with us*. This is Not Negotiable.

When he starts with the "But.. " separate dwelling fantasy..

You can explain you love her etc but two Queens in one castle seldom works. Unhappy wife = Unhappy life (for him).

Or you can paint a picture of how he will be at her beck & call all day - & night. Because it will ALL be on him as you have said no already. Does he really want to be that position?

Or if you have journalist streak, pepper him with questions. Why do you want her to live here? Do you think that makes you a "good" son? Are you afraid of how others will judge you of she moves to IL/AL? Get to the bottom of his reasons.

If the hints of 'Mother may need to move in' turns into a unmovable fact in his head - make your boundaries crystal clear.

ideas would be;
1. He cannot move his Mother into your home without your permission.
2. However, he CAN leave to move in with his Mother.
3. If he does move Mother in without your permission, you will leave.
4. You can consider Mother staying *temporarily* IF you both agree eg to recover from a hospital stay or illness. But only if she has a forwarding address & adequate care arrangements to follow on.

Good luck!

Divorce him if he insists on moving her in.

Always beware the Mommy's Boys, there's a reason Norman Bates was single.

Scarlett, probably the most frequent posts on this site are about the problems of living with both a spouse and an elder. Kids make it worse. Problems range from ‘burn out’ to divorce. The very very few successes are with sweet little old ladies who are always cheerful and never complain. Even the 'little' matters, as overweight elders with mobility issues (often also diabetes) can ruin your own back quite easily, as well as your mental health and your marriage. Remember that things get worse over time, not better.

If you click on Care Topics on the top right of the screen, you will find a list of topics. Click on M for Multi Generational Living to start. You will find other examples under virtually every topic, from incontinence to abuse.

If you still have to have the talk that Country Mouse is suggesting, it would be good to lead with the other options. Use the Care Topics to check out Senior Living, Independent Living, Assisted Living, and complexes that will move up to Nursing Home and Memory Care. Take MIL to see local IL and AL places, perhaps have a meal there and look over the facility. If that’s too difficult, most facilities have attractive web sites. Certainly don’t start with the option to ‘move in here’! If that topic comes up, say that first of all it’s important to check out the other options which have so much more to offer – particularly to a young elder who finds it difficult to make new friends and find activities to enjoy.

"Now the community that is being built is out of her price range."

Try looking into BMR (Below Market Rate) housing in the community being built.

She still might need a caregiver wherever she lives.

When my niece's husband wanted his parents to move in, my niece, who is a very giving but very busy woman, didn't want to say no, but she was neutral about the prospect.

I told her that no one knows all the details of something like that unless they've done it. So I gave her some discussion points. One included bodily functions that inevitably have to be dealt with (urine, feces, vomit, etc.)

(She said, "Ohhh, I never thought of that....)

My niece avoids direct combat at all costs so I had to laugh when she relayed the following:

Her: Who's gonna clean 'em up if they poop?
Him: (vacant stare)
Her: IT AIN'T GONNA BE ME.

I didn't know she had it in her. I was such a proud aunt.

List all the details of care required (enlist the help of someone who would know if you don't) as well as what can be expected in the future for the care of aging person, especially with existing conditions.

This should take pages. Pages, I say.

Put it under his darling, little nose---maybe even with a "sign up" part (this will be the fun part for you, if not illuminating for both of you.)

Aside from showing him the reality of it, remain objective. You don't want to appear selfish. It's those who don't imagine themselves taking an active role (like a husband who thinks everything will be accomplished by your magic wand) don't have a clue what it takes to care for someone--I guarantee it.

Reality vs. the magic kingdom. Objectivity vs. emotional or personal pleas/motives.

As a man, I can pretty much say with expert certainty that men are stubborn pigs. When was the last time you convinced him of anything???

Men are also pretty slow at learning new things... this may take more than a minute, so big, deep breath and let him figure it out for you!!! Take him on a journey into the future:

Start to ask him questions like:
"What do you think it will REALLY be like to have mom in the house with us?"
"What do you think it will do to our: Marriage? Free time? Family life?"
"What's going to happen when she needs care beyond what you can provide?
"How is mom going to make friends and socialize if she's living with us?

Ask him questions like:
"What he will do if mom has poopy pants and I'm not around to clean her?"
"Will you be able to take time off work to drive her to her doctor's appointments?"
"Are you okay with her having dinner with us every night or will you help her make her own dinner?"

All I am saying is, Yes, build the $100,000 in-law apartment, but instead of moving her in, rent it out as an Airbnb and use the profits to pay for mom's care!

Maybe he'll catch on.... he's a man, take it slow! Be kind! Don't argue! Give him a few sleepless nights... then call a quality home healthcare agency and get mom REALLY taken care of!

It seems to me that if you don't want her to live with you, even in an addition, then that's the end of that idea and you, your husband and his mom need to continue looking for another solution. 20 minutes is a good distance because it isn't a rush over in a minute distance, so if she has home care for awhile, then transitions to assisted living when she needs still more help, that would be better for you. Even if she is not living with you, there will be plenty of needs to be met. I think Country Mouse's suggestion to ask her where she wants to live is good, but it has to be something other than what it is right now because of the falls and constant demands to fix things. Assistance is needed. How does she wish to have that assistance? Give her the choices you come up with that are okay with you too.

Who will be paying for the addition?
Maybe your husband has his eye on the proceeds of the sale of her house?

If Mil ever needs more care and does not have the funds, she may need Medicaid. If that happens, she may not qualify because the $100,000 addition to your home will be considered gifting. Medicaid has a look back period, some are 5 years.

No No No.
My husband still talks about building on and having his mom live with us, we already moved her out of state into a MC facility to be closer. Absolutely NOT! He can talk and dream all he wants but it is not happening while we are married.
I remind him:
who is going to clean her after toileting or accidents?
who is going to help her bathe? Get dressed?
who is going to take her to all of her appointments?
who is going to sit in the ER 3 times a week because she pulls out her catheter?
who is going to make meals for her?( he doesn’t eat properly when Intravel to help take care of my mom)

He has tried multiple times….sometimes he gets it sometimes he doesn’t. What he sees is his mom in a facility. He has even tried reverse psychology on me by suggesting my mom come live with us….NO.

my suggestion is….if she has a home, sell it. Rent a place closer to you. Hire caregivers for 4-6 hrs a day and THEN when hubby is off of work he gets to relieve the caregivers.

under no circumstances do you pitch in. Do not make it easier for him. So if you have to stop now doing anything then do that. Men have no idea(well some men don’t)
good luck!!

Then, say what u feel. and stick to it. she will wind up there at some point. believe me, save your self all the heart ache Now!!

I've seen this dynamic so often that I'm convinced that some men and sometimes wives too are more emotionally married to their moms than they are their spouses.

I worked and had family members in skilled nursing units. Often the residents have trouble socializing but need social contact, they would constantly sit around the place on the unit where people congregated. They did not stay in their rooms if they had a choice. Place her some where where she can join that group. It is possible you could contract with her to spend her days at a senior center (assuming there is one near you). I doubt she will do it since your husband seems to be an easy mark. Almost certainly, you will be handling most of the interaction. Is there a senior agency in your county or state? They may have suggestions for support in her home or a facility. It is sad for everyone if people build an addition expecting limited aged ones to entertain themselves. They probably can't do it, or they wouldn't need to move in with you.

I am 75 years old with numerous deadly health conditions. I know I can die at any moment without warning. However, I take pride in WANTING to be independent. When I have to ask for help, I feel GUILTY for bothering my son.He has mentioned at some point, he would like for me to live with him and his family. Let me be frank . I would RATHER DIE. I don't know if his mom wants to live so close to her daughter in law. I do not get along with my daughter in law. Yes, I would choose to stop taking meds and just die.

Before I was recently widowed I had an entirely different outlook on life, I grew up in a household where granny lived with us. It was mostly a very positive thing. I had my husbands parents living in a little granny flat in our house and because it was seperate I also found it a mostly positive experience. Eventually they needed more care than we could give and went into a care home which they actually suggested. I am 80 and finding being alone a very frightening experience. I try to go out and join groups but the loneliness overwhelms me. On the other hand I do not want to be a burden to the family yet am physically active and relatively healthly. What I want to say is please be aware of the intense fear and anxiety that comes with the bereavement of your spouse. It is crippling. So while you may not want them to share your home, please discuss it with them in a loving and caring way. Be kind and help them reach the decision that will be best for all of them.

To the original poster: The BEST THING you can do for your mother in law is to get out of the marriage.

With a blended family, you have many responsibilties. You may not have the skills or bandwidth to also take on care of an aging MIL. Even if she wanted to stay in her own apartment, as she ages her health may decline and she may need more care. You have to plan for this possibility. I'd say look into a nice assisted living facility near your home, so you can visit often to oversee her care and also take her out for lunch or shopping, doctor visits, etc.. She'll be with people her own age and have skilled staff assisting her.

Why not take that $100,00 that an addition would cost and move her into the retirement community. Subsidizing her living expenses might solve all your problems because she would then be in an environment where she could not only socialize but have easy access to balance classes and health care.

Why don't you hire caregivers or live in help for her ?

"Always complaining and always about her."

So, in other words, you're not willing to learn how to deal, treat, encourage, or set boundaries with his mom? If you are a parent, then you know that kids complain constantly and it's always about them. Didn't you learn how to set boundaries with them and teach them that the world is not going to expect them to constantly complain and that it won't always be about them?

This is how you treat, teach and encourage your husband's mom to live with you. Now, you and your husband have become sort of her parents.

My brother and me placed our mom into an expensive nursing home. We believed that because it was an expensive nursing home, she would be safe. The experience for our mom was horrible. She lost a lot of weight and she developed a skin infection. These are clear signs of negligence. She now lives with me, and at days it does become difficult, but I will NEVER do that to my mother again. Now I have nurse that comes into my home several days a week to help with her meals, bath time and helps her to exercise.

With regards to your MIL, this is his mom, and when you said for 'better or for worse' that includes learning and gaining ways to help him as well. Now, if it becomes medically necessary, then you get her into a medical facility that might treat a special situation. THERE ARE other alternatives as well. Look for a medical insurance that covers home health. This way, you have have a nurse that comes in several times a week to help with your MIL. It is far less expensive than a nursing home. She is HIS mom. Let me type this again, she is HIS mom.

Or, are you constantly complaining and making it about you?

Since your husband seems motivated by some sort of guilt, why not ask him what you two will do with the new, costly addition after MIL is gone? Must you go deeply into debt for it, and can you even afford it? Sometimes, if reason doesn't work in such situations, it can help to play along and see if there are very real obstacles to achieving the supposed "improvements" suggested. (Also, if you are a Christian couple, you may want to find the passage in the Bible that says a man shall leave his mother and father and cling only to his (wife.) That may re-set his priorities.

Lawyer up.

I hope you can work out in-home or live-in care in her own home for your MIL. Regardless of whether or not her behavior or personality "justify" your not wanting her in your home, if you are not willingly taking on the job of care taking, do not move her in. A "separate" addition to your home will not insulate you from more and more care-taking responsibility as your MIL's needs increase.