My grandmother is soiling herself (1&2) and REFUSING to change her pad, won't shower, and won't change clothes. What do I do? I'm desperate.

Having read the other posts, I think your first commitment is to your unborn child. This is not a healthy environment so you need to find another place to live asap. You indicate that you recently came from another state for better care for yourself and the baby so I presume that you had no inkling from your conversations with your Mom about Grandmom's living conditions and hygiene which is unfortunate but can't be changed at this point so the best you can do is find new living quarters (I am assuming that the current housing is owned or rented by either your Mom or Grandmom).

If Grandmom is not diagnosed as incompetent and is not posing an immediate threat to herself, you are quite correct in that APS will not be able to "force" her into a facility although it is possible that they might be able to get her a 72 psychiatric evaluation which could be helpful to all involved. Not sure how many facilities will jump at the chance to tackle Grandmom and of course, there is always the question of how a placement in a facility would be handled (particularly if she is not on Medicaid). It would definitely be worth your while to at least call APS (but move out before you do). You could also call the Philly Office on Aging to see if they have any suggestions for your Grandmom but they are definitely going to suggest that you leave that unhealthy environment.

Wishing you luck and peace in this journey with your Grandmom and hopes for a bright future for your unborn.

Standing back and applauding you all for your reasonable, compassionate, well thought out replies.

And yes, it CAN be a little frustrating around here once in a while, but as I ALWAYS SAY, decisions (comments) based on love and respect can’t ever go too far wrong.

I think this woman who poops, pees, and sits in her own filth ought to head off to a nursing home or an old age facility. Should CPS get wind of the writer's living conditions, the child could get taken away from her. I would not have anybody like that in my home unless they owned the home and wanted to die at home. I'd sooner die at home rather than in a home. I think the writer ought to look into getting her own place even if it means she has to go off to subsidized housing. I have a feeling I might have to; I collect SSDI and a pension from an insurance company I once worked for; some of those awesome complexes in my area, well, I can't afford them. I could look into senior housing as I am over 65 years of age

First of all everyone in the house sits down for a family meeting and pat each other on the back and llet me say this nobody here is to blame but sadly if you follow the advice i give its only a suggestion you have to make the decision sadly from the other comments i have read here which quite fraqnkly are disgusting its down to you if your mam dont want to wash thats her right if you dont care for that and think she dont mean it its her healthget in the bath with your mam with yours and her clothes on and run the shower over you both she might not care for it so bribe her remember she is the same mental age as your unborn baby and god forgive if you put your baby in a home just because it s***s and refuses to clean itself and lays there and just cries

Judging by your response above it sounds like your living situation is exactly what you deserve. Soon to be 4 generations of filth in the same house.

Maybe you guys can start a reality show? Add an incontinent dog to complete the lineup?

Either that or grow up and move out, but that actually takes a bit of effort.

"What do I do?" was asked.

I would do 3 things:

1. Remove myself.
I would immediately start moving out - to a friend or relative's couch until I found more permanent safe, clean accommodation.

2. Have a family chat. Go visit when Mom is home & have a serious chat. Is all this new? Or steadily gotten worse? Maybe Grandma just wants to die at home...? What they tell you may influence the outcome.

3. Seek help.
Get professionals involved as CountryMouse advised.

To do this I would not hesitate to call EMS for an urgent health assessment.

Hospice assessment.?

Geriatric mental health assessment?
(Although unless Grandma is violent to self or others she may not be admitted for that).

You say in your profile that grandma has dementia. She can no longer carry out ADL’s. (That is Activities of Daily Living)
It sound like this is getting to be more than you and your mom can handle.
You have a couple options.
Get help in that can help you care for grandma
OR
Look for a Memory Care facility where she can be cared for 24/7.
Neither easy decisions. While grandma may want to stay at home and or not have “strangers come in to help” sometimes it is not possible.

I’m guessing nothing is going to change. It’s so tiresome to see people here ask for advice... then flip out when it’s not the advice they were looking for, ignore it entirely, or say they can’t/won’t do any of the suggestions given to change their situation.

Josie was correct in that OP’s mother and grandmother evidently don’t care that she is pregnant and can’t be around smoke, pee, and poop. A baby definitely can’t! It’s a bad situation all around.

The OP is stressed and suffering. I assume that that is why she misread Josie's post and wrongly supposed that Josie was criticising her, whereas I can't put any construction on Josie's reply that wasn't entirely sympathetic to the OP - Josie regretted that the OP was not being give due - or any, really - consideration by her mother or her grandmother. Even the suggestion to make plans to find another place to live is only sensible, it's not criticising her for not already having done so!

Heather, it is quite true that social services including APS can't force your grandmother to accept care or treatment if she refuses it and is of sound mind. But they can at least assess her situation, assess whether she can in fact be said to be of sound mind, and talk to her about her options. Her severe self-neglect has causes, she isn't prepared to discuss those causes with you or your mother, and she's fighting you. You need professional allies!

I'm perhaps more used to be sworn at than most posters - I'm only surprised that more of the clients we work with don't resort to cursing considering what they're often going through - but I have to agree that it won't help. But more to the point, don't attack people who are on your side!

This is not a safe situation for you and is untenable place for an infant.

have you called her doctor to report the issues?

Has your granny prepared her Will and POA?

I do not know whose house you and granny live in, but it is time for you to move away. If CPS was called and told you had an infant in this filth, your newborn could be removed from the home.

And yes a needs assessment is required and a call to APS.

Grandma has some form of dementia & needs placement

Heather---
You have been reported for the use of very foul language--frankly, I don't know how you snuck that post past the admins.

NOBODY attacked you or your mothering skills.

This is a serious problem and a bad situation you've gotten into. You need to either A: deal with what it and accept it and not complain or B: get some help, through APS or whomever.

Grandma is more than incapable of caring for herself. If she is not bothered by sitting in her own feces for a month, then that's NOT Ok, not by anyone's standards.

You state you came up 'here' to get help and to give it.

I highly doubt you can do anything for grandma. Save yourself. And that baby. I am glad you quit smoking--it's one of THE worst things for a developing baby.

And--don't bite the hands that feed you. We're trying to help and you blew up.

You've tried everything but social services...

Isn't that a bit like having the house on fire and saying you've tried everything except the fire brigade?

You have an elder whose health and wellbeing are at serious risk because of self-neglect. She is a vulnerable adult at risk. Wouldn't it be a really good idea to get an opinion, at least, from Adult Protective Services?

What makes you so hesitant to do that? Is it the stigma?