My grandmother became reclusive during the pandemic. She is constantly canceling our visits the day of. What can we do?

Depression and anxiety, especially after the COVID lockdowns, is common with seniors. In order to get her the help she needs and interacting again, get your loved one evaluated by her primary care doctor. Let the doctor rule of physical/medical problems. If everything checks out fine, then ask for a referral for a psychiatric evaluation - preferably one who specializes in geriatrics.

Leave her alone. If this is what she wants, leave her alone. It is beyond me why relatives seem to think it is their responsibility to keep the patients alive as long as it is on their (the relatives) terms. A gift of love is to let them go.

Maybe the visit weighs on her mind after she hears about it...a little nervous or whatever. Don't tell her, just go. Random times would give you better picture of what she's doing when you arrive. Get her to try out the scooter while you're there so she has a little familiar support as she learns to get comfortable with it.

Emily12: As you state in your profile that your grandmother suffers from depression, perhaps her PCP or a psychiatrist can offer prescription assistance or adjust the medication(s) if she is currently taking them.

I wonder if she has been experiencing fecal incontinence. That's what was happening with my mom.

Sounds like she may feel / be depressed.

Try:

* Calling manager of dept and asking how she is, generally speaking (i.e., mood, changes in mood). Ask to speak to medical tech or supervisor if possible.
- Ask how often they 'visit' or check in on her.
- Are these visits/check-ins recorded (mood, what transpires - if not, ask them to note on her chart so you/medical provider can assess).

* Does she tend to be depressed / have depression?

* Check medications to be sure they are up to date with her needs (i.e., depression).

* Make UNANNOUNCED visits. See how she does with this.

[To me] Her EXCUSES are a sign of depression, giving up, overwhelm - clearly she has feelings that are not being addressed - and need to be.

* Since she isn't using her scooter, it sounds to me like she needs SUPPORT from a caregiver / family to 'encourage' her to get going / get moving / get out. From her behavior, she cannot do that on / by her own (now).

- RED FLAG: Especially since you indicate she is NOT properly caring for herself, you need to intervene: visit, arrange caregiver/socialization visitor, ask staff to TAKE HER to group activities (she cannot / is not going on her own).
- While they cannot make her go / do anything she doesn't want to do, a little encouragement might be all she needs to shift out ... of that chair.

* If staff cannot get her out of her chair / apt., you (family) needs to do and/or get caregiver to do 'check in' socialization visits perhaps 2x/week for 1-2 weeks to get a 'base line' of how she is doing - then go from there.

- If need be, tell her this person is an old family friend (or granddaughter of a family friend). Be sure to interview the caregiver/provider first and tell them exactly what they are to do and report back to you
Or
Ideally, you go unannounced with a 'new friend' (caregiver) and introduce this person to your mother. Ease her into it... although DO it. Do not allow her to sit in her recliner chair (... as I do ... too) and isolate. She needs interaction / intervention.

Gena / Touch Matters

Well, if she cancels the visit, you are blamelessly off the hook! Means you don’t have to go do the dutiful slog. Should she whine about not seeing you, you are golden, and can say, “Well, we had PLANNED to come, but you cancelled!” I would leave it alone. If she wants to see you badly enough, she will call.

Do an unannounced visit to her room. Confer in person with facility staff. Go from there with what you find.

Please visit, without advance notice, and get a good idea of her current situation for yourself. She may be just fine and like to be on her own, or you may find a sharp decline, or a need for depression to be treated. There are many possibilities, but without going and seeing for yourselves, you won’t know. She needs her family to advocate for her if she cannot do so for herself

Go visit your grandmother to see for yourself. Have her evaluated by her PCP and counseled with a social worker about her anxiety.

Go anyway. Who is "we"? She may not be comfortable with too many.
When my Mom was in rehab, her children went (me, sister, and brother) and accompanied her to meals. We sometimes brought lunch/dinner. If it was a nice day, we took her outside.
If it were up to my Mom, she would be happy to stay in her room, all day.
Best wishes.

Here is a suggestion based upon my MIL's lost sense of time and getting ready wayyy too early like 2 am.

On the day of a planned event, call the staff to get her ready and only tell them that you are coming to visit (in an hour?). They can even say that you are driving over now so that she cannot respond. Once you arrive tell her Surprise! we are going to to X, y, and z today. This does not leave her any time to hesitate or ruminate.

She's afraid of the state you might find her in. A lot of people are embarrassed, and don't want others to see. They also fear the consequences of being seen in a bad state. You might try to move her to memory care, or whatever, and she might fear that, for good reasons.

You don't need permission to visit. Out of the kindness of your heart, show up anyway, and make sure she's OK. You would appreciate it too, if the tables were turned, as long as you always do what is best for her and her happiness. It's not about living as long as possible, but if possible to live as happy as possible.

Good Morning,

Show up...you need to check up on the elderly in the family and not just at Christmas and Easter. I realize Grandma is cancelling and you have good intentions. But it sounds like you're not sure how to handle this.

Also, it's good to let the facilities be aware that there is family checking in and around on a consistent basis.

You need to check for bed sores. Even in the most expensive places, things can turn up that you assume for the $$$ you're paying everything is being taken care of.

Is grandmother drinking enough fluids. Is she wearing clean clothes every day. Does she keep her appointments at the hair salon.

I wouldn't be so trusting to leave it up to a facility to cover all of the bases. I would have my check off list and perhaps, phone once a week with an update.

The Assisted Livings are real estate and there is no assistance. You pay for everything out of pocket. There should be some type of paper trail or evidence of services.

Don't take Grandma's word for it. They get confused and with the Pandemic they had to remain quarantined in their rooms. So it's probably a carry-over.

I hope I was of some help...

What about the fresh air, outdoors, Vitamin D.

You know the AL cannot force her to participate. Meals delivered usually means an extra payment. I am 73 and pretty much spend my day in my den. So for me a room in an AL would not be much different. At my Moms AL the activities director knocked on doors to tell residents there was an activity starting. An AL provides activities and outings doesn't mean a resident has to participate.

Where are grandmoms children in all this? How old is grandmom?

I would ask if she’s coming down to meals. If she’s eating , bathing ( with or without help ), changing clothes , if incontinent , letting help with that? Your profile says grandma has depression. Have the doctor re-evaluate for a medication change , She may refuse , but could offer to speak with psychologist.
Has she been tested for dementia ?
If after these issues are being taken care of and she still prefers to stay in her room . Not much you can do about it.
In care homes , there are always the “ joiners” who go to activities, sit out in the common areas , and then there are the ones like my father in law who only come out for meals .

My mother got reclusive when her her dementia was really starting to take hold. We didn’t know that it WAS dementia at the time, though.

Do you know if your grandmother has tried out her scooter? Does she feel comfortable riding on it? Is her seat properly adjusted and so on?

Maybe she’s comfortable in her own little world. Your sister’s engagement is the be-all and end-all for her, but grandmother may have trouble summoning the energy to nod and smile and ask relevant questions about others’ lives.

When elders become elders, they change,

Why not just show up anyhow and see what's going on for yourselves?

I myself am 80 and I am introverted by nature. When I am too much "in" it is difficult for me to get "out". I have to make myself do it, and such has been the case since I was a young woman at home with the my children.

I would suggest you try to speak with your grandmother about this. Ask her if she has ever heard of "agoraphobia". Ask her if she is anxious when "out" and reassure her that you will always be happy to assist her in getting back home when/if she wishes.

Sometimes just having this reassurance is enough to make the introvert more comfortable venturing out.
Exercise is so important for us, just in terms of keeping our bones healthy and moving. I sure wish you luck. But do remember, if ultimately Grandmother's answer is that she is happier staying home, there's not a lot to be done about it.

Has your grandmother always been a homebody or introvert? If so, I wouldn’t expect her to change at this point.

If she was quite social with others before, then she may be depressed or possibly a combination of anxiety and depression.

Hopefully, she will be open to medication. In their day, there was a stigma attached to mental disorders.

Some older people have a fear of taking medication or they don’t feel that it will help. They need to understand that it takes a few weeks before they will notice a difference in how they feel.

You can speak with the staff at your grandmother's Assisted Living facility about how shes doing, how she's being cared for, and what their care plan FOR her is. If she's sitting inside of her apartment all day long and not coming down for meals or activities, staff should be aware of it and a red flag would be raised.

The other thing to do is contact her PCP about the possibility of grandma being depressed which does happen sometimes. I contacted my mom's PCP after she was hospitalized one time and then refused to leave her apartment, kind of like your grandma. When I explained the situation to her doc, he prescribed Wellbutrin which helped her tremendously.

Best of luck to you and grandma