My grandmother became reclusive during the pandemic. She is constantly canceling our visits the day of. What can we do?

Good Morning,

Show up...you need to check up on the elderly in the family and not just at Christmas and Easter. I realize Grandma is cancelling and you have good intentions. But it sounds like you're not sure how to handle this.

Also, it's good to let the facilities be aware that there is family checking in and around on a consistent basis.

You need to check for bed sores. Even in the most expensive places, things can turn up that you assume for the $$$ you're paying everything is being taken care of.

Is grandmother drinking enough fluids. Is she wearing clean clothes every day. Does she keep her appointments at the hair salon.

I wouldn't be so trusting to leave it up to a facility to cover all of the bases. I would have my check off list and perhaps, phone once a week with an update.

The Assisted Livings are real estate and there is no assistance. You pay for everything out of pocket. There should be some type of paper trail or evidence of services.

Don't take Grandma's word for it. They get confused and with the Pandemic they had to remain quarantined in their rooms. So it's probably a carry-over.

I hope I was of some help...

What about the fresh air, outdoors, Vitamin D.

I myself am 80 and I am introverted by nature. When I am too much "in" it is difficult for me to get "out". I have to make myself do it, and such has been the case since I was a young woman at home with the my children.

I would suggest you try to speak with your grandmother about this. Ask her if she has ever heard of "agoraphobia". Ask her if she is anxious when "out" and reassure her that you will always be happy to assist her in getting back home when/if she wishes.

Sometimes just having this reassurance is enough to make the introvert more comfortable venturing out.
Exercise is so important for us, just in terms of keeping our bones healthy and moving. I sure wish you luck. But do remember, if ultimately Grandmother's answer is that she is happier staying home, there's not a lot to be done about it.

Why not just show up anyhow and see what's going on for yourselves?

She's afraid of the state you might find her in. A lot of people are embarrassed, and don't want others to see. They also fear the consequences of being seen in a bad state. You might try to move her to memory care, or whatever, and she might fear that, for good reasons.

You don't need permission to visit. Out of the kindness of your heart, show up anyway, and make sure she's OK. You would appreciate it too, if the tables were turned, as long as you always do what is best for her and her happiness. It's not about living as long as possible, but if possible to live as happy as possible.

You can speak with the staff at your grandmother's Assisted Living facility about how shes doing, how she's being cared for, and what their care plan FOR her is. If she's sitting inside of her apartment all day long and not coming down for meals or activities, staff should be aware of it and a red flag would be raised.

The other thing to do is contact her PCP about the possibility of grandma being depressed which does happen sometimes. I contacted my mom's PCP after she was hospitalized one time and then refused to leave her apartment, kind of like your grandma. When I explained the situation to her doc, he prescribed Wellbutrin which helped her tremendously.

Best of luck to you and grandma

Maybe she’s comfortable in her own little world. Your sister’s engagement is the be-all and end-all for her, but grandmother may have trouble summoning the energy to nod and smile and ask relevant questions about others’ lives.

When elders become elders, they change,

Please visit, without advance notice, and get a good idea of her current situation for yourself. She may be just fine and like to be on her own, or you may find a sharp decline, or a need for depression to be treated. There are many possibilities, but without going and seeing for yourselves, you won’t know. She needs her family to advocate for her if she cannot do so for herself

My mother got reclusive when her her dementia was really starting to take hold. We didn’t know that it WAS dementia at the time, though.

Do an unannounced visit to her room. Confer in person with facility staff. Go from there with what you find.

Here is a suggestion based upon my MIL's lost sense of time and getting ready wayyy too early like 2 am.

On the day of a planned event, call the staff to get her ready and only tell them that you are coming to visit (in an hour?). They can even say that you are driving over now so that she cannot respond. Once you arrive tell her Surprise! we are going to to X, y, and z today. This does not leave her any time to hesitate or ruminate.