My friend hired a private pay caregiver and now wants to fire her. What should she say?

Your friend says “I’m sorry, things haven’t worked out quite the way I expected, so we’ll have to finish this arrangement. Thank you, and would you like a reference’.

If your friend wants to be nicer, she can give 2 weeks notice so that the carer can make other arrangements.

If the relationship is not good, it may avoid problems to give 2 weeks pay in lieu of notice - PARTICULARLY if she is not clear about insurance for accidents. Expensive last minute accidents (even computer sabotage) is the reason why employees are often escorted off the site immediately after being fired.

If your friend wants to make up a story for an excuse, go for something like ‘my family want other arrangements in place before I go away in 6 months’ or ‘my dear dear cousin is going into a NH and has BEGGED me to take on her dear dear 20 year caretaker, and I just can’t say no’. Or anything else that comes to mind.

Does your friend still need the help? Has she got someone else lined up?

When it comes to getting rid of the gaslighter, I like Margaret's simple approach: give notice according to whatever was agreed at the time of hiring - and I agree that it would be best to pay for the time and let her go, you don't want someone who's potentially resentful working out her notice period in your house - offer a reference, and leave it there. The caregiver isn't owed any further explanation and I'd avoid it. Your friend could probably do without the hassle.

What form does the gaslighting take? Is it serious - possibly posing a risk to future vulnerable clients - or just annoying?

I like the idea of giving her notice that day she is done, paying her whats owed and an extra two weeks. Maybe good if ur there when it happens. Just say, sorry its not working anymore. Thats it. I would not ask her if she needed a reference. If she asks for one, do a generic one pinpointing her best qualities. You can't keep her from getting another job maybe over a personality clash.

If she never liked the caregiver, why did she hire her? If your friend is displeased with her caregiver she should tell her the truth (in front of you or someone else) as to why she is being let go.
Give her two-weeks notice and a month's severance pay. That's the decent thing to do, but no reference.
If she's not a good caregiver and there's all this alleged gaslighting going on, I would not send her off to another position with some other unsuspecting person in need of care.
You or someone else close to your friend should stay at her house for the two weeks while the caregiver packs up and transitions out.

Most companies don’t give two weeks pay on termination to most blue and pink collar workers. They just terminate you.

I would tell the lady that moms looking to move in with family or to a facility immediately. There is no need to go over performance at this point.

Tell her at the end of the day thank you for her help, and you'll no longer be needing her services. Give her whatever amount above and beyond her pay you feel like. (I wouldn't give anything.) Two weeks' extra pay is absurd in my opinion, especially since this hasn't been a good relationship and the caregiver is gaslighting her (whatever that means).

If she's been playing mind games, your friend should have the money owed her ready to hand to her, and escort her out the door. Have someone else there with her when she does this if she thinks the caregiver might cause trouble. Be sure to get any keys she might have, and be sure to change the locks or passwords to your internet -- anything she might be privy to.

Be straightforward, unemotional, and there is no need to make explanations. Your friend is the employer, and she can fire anyone she pleases. She does not owe her an explanation.

With all the people out there who work as caregivers, why did your friend hire someone she never liked to begin with? She shouldn't have expected things to work out in such a situation.

She needs to tell the CG that things aren't working out as expected, her services are no longer required, thank you, goodbye & good luck. You can give her two weeks notice or pay her for two weeks, which is preferable to me to get her out on the spot and not have her lingering around for 2 weeks. Paying her a month severance pay is uncalled for, in my opinion, unless she was a long term employee. I agree with making no mention of a reference; why recommend someone you're firing for 'gaslighting'???

Be prepared for her to ask you for specific reasons it is “not working out”. A person who is getting fired may be aggressive. Have a witness (friend) come over on the day you are terminating. At the end of the day, ask her for the keys and let her know that you will not need her anymore. If she doesn’t have keys, I recommend calling her after she has gone home and letting her know that you appreciate the help she has been but you will not be needing her services effective immediately. Let her know that she will be getting her pay as well as 2 weeks (or whatever you want to pay). That can be mailed or if she Venmo or Zelle, send it that way. Also let her know you wish her the best. If she demands a specific reason; just say over and over (DO NOT ELABORATE) that her services are not needed anymore. NOTE: IF she has keys, you need to get them back or change the locks. IF she has the alarm code, change the code. WRITE down what you are going to say and stay on script. This is not the time to wing it. A neutral reference can be: NAME worked for our family from ?/?/? To ?/?/? Her duties were personal care for my mom including bathing, lotions, hair care, mouth care, light meals, walking/exercise, straightening up mom’s room and other duties as needed for the care of my mom. (Add more if you want). NAME has her own vehicle and was prompt and timely in her attendance. Sincerely, YOUR NAME

My State is an "at will" State. Meaning you can fire or the employee can quit without giving a reason.

I think letting the aide go should be done in person. When she comes to work, you can tell her that its not working and your letting her go. Two weeks additional pay will give her time to find another job. I will be that is more than other clients have done. We have a right to "fire" people. If she is like you say she is, she probably has been fired before.

Nobody should have a caregiver they don't like. She should speak with her as mentioned below, and can just tell her that she wants to try a different caregiving arrangement as of "today." And she should collect any keys or other ways to access the house that the caregiver may have. Two weeks severance pay is sufficient, but she can give more, if she wishes. Regarding references, all she needs to say is that the caregiver worked for her for X number of months or years, and any other thing that is true (was she reliable). She'll need a caregiver for 6 months until she moves. Perhaps she can get a replacement caregiver through an agency. She may be eligibile for part-time caregivers through Medicare.

I'm going to take a different approach. I would create an excuse for not needing her, and letting her go "with her head held high." To me, it makes no sense to just send someone packing, especially since your friend never liked the individual in the first place.

It was a bad choice, and it could be argued that your friends is just as guilty as the caregiver.

I also would consider just creating an excuse for not needing her services any more, as if there is friction in the relationship already, there's no need to aggravate it. One never knows how someone will respond, and this caregiver may be someone who retaliates.

Severance pay is a good move; it allows your friend and the caregiver to part on good terms, and this could be beneficial for both.

I'm also curious though how she's "gaslighting" your friend.

I had to fire an aide because she was lazy and I just couldn’t tolerate money being wasted on someone doing little work but a lot of eating and reading her emails on her cell phone. The final straw was when she kept complaining about how slow my mom was eating. I called her agency while I stood next to her and simply said her services are no longer needed. The aide was shocked as she departed but I didn’t care. Her agency did not seem surprised when I fired her. I have a feeling she was an aide who was hard to place.

Get a replacement lined up. Maybe you can speak to an agency to ask advice on this subject. I suspect that people who work in this industry know and expect it to be temporary for many reasons.

Tell your friend to make an appointment with her hair dresser. You or someone should be present to take her to that hair dresser and a lunch date.

Your friend could say to the caregiver - Thank you so much for your skilled help. You've been a treasure but I just received exciting news, that I maybe moving sooner and a cousin, (from the state your moving to), has business in town, she needs a place to stay, and will help me with care, paperwork and my move.

You've been so terrific. I have your pay ready in this envelope [plus a gift of a little extra (if you care to do that)]. My cousin will need the keys. I'm so excited.

Follow-up with lots of pleasant exchanges, some praises, good wishes, good bye, and enjoy lunch.

As the old logo said, "Just do it." Gaslighting should be documented if she is from an agency, otherwise have her cut the ties in a nice way so that revenge behavior isn't stirred up: tell her not to commit to a positive reference if gaslighting is really part of the problem..............just remain noncommittal.

There's replacement help on this site or in calling, "A Place for Mom."

I had to go through this a number of times for my wife. Simple. I am sorry but you are not a good fit. Today will be your last day. Good luck.

"You are the Weakest Link, Goodbye"

It's hard to do, but find someone your mother really likes, and you, and have them come for a "visit". Once you feel that person is a good replacement, pay your sitter and tell her the truth. In cases like this, you need a good "fit" and sometimes it just doesn't work out.
I found my caregiver from a church: retired, needed extra income. On SS they can't make too much so will probably come at a good price (not to mention good references). Went through 3. the last one was a keeper, and she was with us at his bedside when he passed.
Look at it from this viewpoint - the bad caregiver could live forever, but your parent won't. Parent is numero uno, even if you have to make someone mad. I became the bad guy in many situations and trust me, I've always been the peacemaker.

Putting on my old corporate HR hat here. Regardless of whether or not your friend lives in an “at will” employment state, your friend does have legal exposure when terminating an employee, even a temporary employee

Has your friend actually talked to the caregiver about the unacceptable behaviors? I’d highly recommend such a discussion. Be calm, specific and document everything. To minimize legal risks, I’d have such a discussion, but probably ride out the remaining 6 months, then just follow through with the out-of-state move.

If your friend does decide to terminate earlier, less is more. Just tell the caregiver that her employment is being terminated (make sure there is a witness). For heavens sake, don’t lie (even a little white lie). If the caregiver is out for blood, such white lies are apt to come up in the event of a lawsuit.

Also, your friend needs to be careful if the caregiver is protected class (black, Hispanic, Native American, etc.). If the caregiver is a protected class employee, then an argument could be made that the person was let go because of their race…especially if the caregiver is replaced with someone who is white. (In the world we live in now such a claim can be made regardless of your intent or motivations).

Also, be careful giving references. Again, less is more. I’d be inclined to tell that caregiver that you never give references (good or bad). If you feel you must give a reference, only say that the caregiver worked for you between such and such dates and her duties. Under no circumstances should you go beyond this and say why this person is not in your employ and don’t say or imply anything good or bad. If the former employee fails get a new position and can in any way claim that it was related to a reference…that can lead to a lawsuit.

Another thought is how the caregiver is being paid…you indicated that this was a “private” caregiver. Is you friend withholding income taxes and fica, then submitting the funds and requisite forms to the government? Is your friend paying employer taxes (fica, Medicare and unemployment)? If the answers are “no”, a vindictive former employee can file a complaint with taxing authorities. While not the end of the world, your friend would be liable for the unpaid tax obligations plus interest and penalties and probably have to pay for a CPA or lawyer to formally address the sues with the tax authorities.

Personally, I wouldn’t give severance, because it could be construed you are paying this amount to cover up some problem, rather than just trying to “do the right thing”.

Bottom line, it’s just for six months. The easiest approach is to just talk to the caregiver about the problem. Then ride out the last six months or expedite your friends move date.

We live in a very litigious society right now, so it’s important to limit your exposure. Sorry to be a negative Nelly.

"This is not working out for either of us. I am willing to give you ___ weeks to find a new position and give a decent recommendation." Also, wish the caregiver well in his/her new position. Better to part on good terms, even if there are hard feelings.

SandraBeg: Let the caregiver complete her workday and then state something akin to 'thank you so much' (that should be stated first). 'However, I no longer require your services' (perhaps she needn't know you have six months uncovered OR have you lined up short term care?), Then you can say 'best of luck.'
Lesson learned by your friend is never hire a caregiver that you dislike.

Your friend needs to have a witness in the room. Tell the caregiver that she doesn't think this is a good personality match. Thank her for her services and let her know that she will no longer be needed and that other arrangements have been made. Wish her well. End of story.

The suggestion by other posters that your friend should put up with this person just because they might be a protected class is nonsense. Caregiving is a very up close and personal thing. She shouldn't spend one more minute with someone she isn't comfortable with. Anyone can be hired and anyone can be fired.