My FIL is becoming careless and we are concerned for his safety. Is it time for assisted living?

We had to take my Dad who is 86 in with us almost 2 years ago now, as he was doing silly things too. He can shower and dress himself, make his lunch of soup and toast or similar easy meals. But he’s not allowed to use the stove, only the microwave. I cook his evening meal. He surrendered his drivers license without much argument after someone ran into his car. But he was finding driving difficult also. He gave his car to his next door neighbours whose teenage sons were learning to drive. This was met with much resentment by my siblings. He’s cognitive ability has diminished significantly since he has come to live with us. But there are still some things he can do.

My mom has dementia and so far we have been able to help her stay in her home. Take away the toaster or anything else that is a potential hazard. I have a label maker and made a bright pink label that says, "DO NOT PUT SILVERWARE OR ANY OTHER METAL IN MICROWAVE." It has worked so far. As different problems come along, we figure out a way around it, or remove the problem. When my stepdad died we didn't think she could last more than a few nights alone, so far it's been almost 3 years. I even have to take the cardboard core out of her TP because she cut them up and flushed them down the toilet. It overflowed. Good luck with the brainstorming to deal with the broken brain.

Yes, it's time. The cognitive awareness is gone and will deteriorate even further. AL is a good start but make sure memory care is available too. Moved mom from AL to memory care after 3 months and had to move half of her furniture out. Memory care is a studio apartment and not much room. It's not easy on the financial situation from one to the other, $1,650.00 more for memory care just to deplete her belongings and lock her in? Just try to find something close to you as possible because they still have needs.

DEBSTER1: Perhaps he needs to be in a managed care facility.

If every person who (most unwisely) used a fork or a skewer to get their toast unstuck was sent to assisted living the housing crisis would be beyond anyone's solving.

Do not take his toaster away. The burning smell was probably shaken crumbs from his trying to get the toast out, and no harm has been done. This is not a serious concern, it's standard, casual human error.

There is a line from Lionel Shriver's book "Should We Stay Or Should We Go?" - "'My real mother doesn't put sponges in the toaster.'"

Being too idle and impatient to unplug the toaster and painstakingly remove the wonky slice with wooden or plastic tongs, normal.
Putting dishwasher sponges in the toaster, demented.

Inexperienced caregivers may think Shriver's example far-fetched. I might have thought so too before I witnessed a client's determined effort to make a cup of tea using first Bran Flakes and then, when that didn't seem to be working, cat kibble.

We had to remove the toaster ourselves which was the one appliance she was able to use. She stuck a dish towel on it while it was making toast and burned the dish towel. Almost started a fire in the kitchen. She also does not know how to use the microwave anymore. If he lives by himself you have to take his safety into account.

I dont know if going off the deep end is yelling at him or just freaking out. I hope you didn't go off on him. He can't help it. So yelling at him won't do any good. Just makes him feel bad.
He's going to cont to go downhill. Can you pop over and make breakfast and put a few salads or dinners in the fridge for the week? Maybe some eggs and he can microwave it. But who knows if he will put it in for 20 mins, not 2. Or not take plastic wrap off the dish.
It is probably is time, because you had to turn the stove off. It's going to keep happening.
Unless you get a worker to come in and do some caregiving. Or you do it. Maybe pop in 2x a day if you can. How about a cam so you can see him and what he is up to, to keep an eye on him? Might work for awhile. Good luck.
A caregiver is much cheaper than a nursing home.

I dont know if going off the deep end is yelling at him or just freaking out. I hope you didn't go off on him. He can't help it. So yelling at him won't do any good. Just makes him feel bad.
He's going to cont to go downhill. Can you pop over and make breakfast and put a few salads or dinners in the fridge for the week? Maybe some eggs and he can microwave it. But who knows if he will put it in for 20 mins not 2. Or not take plastic wrap off the dish.
It probably is time, because you had to turn the stove off. It's going to keep happening.
Unless you get a worker to come in and do some caregiving. Or you do it. Maybe pop in 2x a day if you can. How about a cam so you can see him and what he is up to, to keep an eye on him? Might work for awhile. Good luck.

If he's no longer able to live safely, . Please don't be angry with him. He's doing his best, but people with ALZ loose their judgement and their ability to remember instructions and how to do things. When my mother started to misuse the microwave, it was one indication that it was time for her to move to a memory care facility. Staff at the facility said to remove all sharp objects and there was no microwave or toaster, only a small refrigerator. Your father's condition is likely to decline, so he (and you) need to have a plan for when he is no longer able to take care of himself. You have 2 basic options: in-home caregivers (family or hired), or moving to an assisted living facility. Much will depend on his financial situation. A caregiver coming in for a few hours a day can help him prepare his meals, make sure he is taking his medications, etc. At some point, his care may be too much for a part-time caregiver and a facility might be best for him. Make sure all of his paperwork is in order (powers of attorney for medical and financial matters, a living will with his advance medical directives, a will if he has assets). All the best to you both.

Yes, it is time for assisted living.

He needs to be moved to be safe. You may start in AL. But select a community that has with Memory Care too. Good luck!

Skip the AL , memory care is in order..

you will have to move him another time if you put him an AL .. which as I understand causes more decline..

it is inevitable

My mother almost burned her house down twice by leaving things in the microwave too long. The 2nd time happened because my brother bought her another one (he's been in denial of mom's dementia from day 1 but that's another story!).

I wished we had placed mom in the nursing home sooner. She has blossomed, seems very content and the whole staff there are wonderful to her. It's so nice to be a daughter once again instead of a caregiver. Mom is 94.

I hope your FIL has the financial resources to pay for AL or MC, and that he doesn't have to come live with you!

Your dad is no longer safe unsupervised in independent living and requires a higher level of care. He can also start a fire.

I would also add one more thing. I have read that our loved ones transition easier if you do not wait too long into their decline. If I could go back in time, I would have transitioned her a little earlier so that she was stronger and more able to be included in even more social activities.

I would suggest an ALF. I kept my mom until she was unable to operate any appliance. She could dress herself, make the bed, and feed herself. She was also on a walker, however all other duties like meds, bathing, grooming etc were my responsibility. I have transitioned her to an ALF (three weeks ago). It was certainly an emotional transition. She seems more alert. The staff is excellent and she is making friends. That is something that she could not do in my home. I visit every day and our visits are now wonderful chats, I have become her daughter again...not just the caregiver. The transition is torture but if you can give it time, it will be the best option.

I would skip the Assisted Living and opt for Memory Care.
Unless the Assisted Living is a locked unit.
The problem with AL is that the residents are able to come and go all they usually have to do is sign in and out.
There comes a time when the danger of someone with dementia wandering off is real and potentially fatal.
Safety is priority.

I stopped reading at "Alzheimer's." Yes. The time is now. I've been told by multiple AL admissions directors that most people in AL have some degree of dementia. When it gets to where he's stripping to his skivvies and trying to lead the other residents in a revolt against the staff, that's when they'll recommend memory care (ask me how I know). But if you get him in now, he might have a couple of nice years in AL, making friends and going on outings. Wait too long and he'll have to go straight to MC, which is a tough transition from being "on the outside."

The time has come, his safety and the safety of others come first.

Yes. Absolutely yes.

Take as a warning that it is now time for placement. This could have been electrocution and am not certain how it was not. Could have been a fire, or any number of other things on a scale.
So it is time now for you all three to talk about placement.
I am hopeful that a POA is in place. It will be expensive to go the route of conservatorship. You need a diary and you need to document what you are seeing now. A notebook without removable pages, with no blackouts can be invaluable in court should placement be required, and dad refuse.
How long has your Dad had Alzheimer's? Is this your first indication he could be in danger?
Best of luck out to you.

Deb, your FIL needs a professional "needs assessment". His doctor can order one.

This will tell you what level of care he needs.

Not Independent Living.

There should be no question in your mind about 'what to do' here Debster. Your FIL has Alzheimer's and should not be living in Independent Living where he has access to electrical appliances that can electrocute him and kill him quite easily. He cannot 'promise' you anything b/c his mind is now compromised due to a disease. He's not purposely trying to do 'stupid' things.........his logic & reasoning skills are now GONE due to AD. Meaning he belongs in Memory Care Assisted Living where he'll have no dangerous equipment to deal with, and no decisions to make other than which meal to choose at lunch & dinner. Activities will be planned for his mental skill level, and he'll be SAFE and sound, unable to wander off, or electrocute himself by accident, not realizing he's doing something dangerous.

You shouldn't have to be there 24 hours a day while he's in senior living...........he's just in the wrong TYPE of senior living. Move him to Memory Care AL asap and in the meantime, take away all the small appliances, knives, cleaning supplies and anything else that may cause him harm. He can get himself into a BIG mess of trouble now in 2 seconds flat, which includes wandering away and getting lost. It only takes ONE incident to have a crisis on your hands.

Regular AL is not the right setting for FIL either b/c they provide kitchens and other equipment that he is no longer able to operate, including thermostats. You'd be surprised how much simpler life is in Memory Care vs. regular AL; I learned that when I had to move my mother from AL into MC back in 2019; her world was greatly shrunken down which made her life SO much simpler and safer, thankfully.


Read this 33 page booklet for insight about Alzheimers & Dementia:

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580



Good luck!

Many people with dementia can cause dangerous accidents that can hurt them or others. They need to go where they can get constant supervision.