My father, who's 61, has a lot of health problems. Unfortunately as I was growing up he broke his back before I was born and was addicted to pain killers and was a heavy smoker. He is, unfortunately, still addicted to pain killers but stopped smoking after his first heart attack when I was a child. Add to this he's diabetic, has had 3 heart attacks and, no matter how much I try to tell him not to, eats a lot and unhealthy at that. A few years ago he fell and broke his hip and me and my mom have been trying our best to take care of him. He refuses outside help and relies on us for almost everything. He can walk now but he almost always stays on the couch, sleeps, eats, and watches TV. If he needs anything he wants us to get it. Half the time he just complains to himself about wanting something and when we overhear it we get it for him and he snaps at us for "taking too long" even though he didn't ask us. It's to the point hes almost verbally abusing us and demeaning us for anything. Even when me and my mom leave the house for our jobs he will call us at work (we have separate jobs btw) and wants something or just to complain to us, this happens every day we are out of the house, sometimes multiple times a day. I understand he's in pain, but he always is moaning, complaining and talking to himself about nonsense loud enough for us to hear 24/7 when hes not asleep. We will be in the next room trying to sleep and we hear this. It's almost driving me crazy and wondering how much he truly is in pain, the doctors say hes not as bad as he seems to think he is. Is it just the reliance on painkillers? There's times I hear him talking like someone's there or singing/making noises and there is nobody there. I dont know what to do. I've dealt with this for years since I was a teenager but after he broke his hip it's much worse. I've tried to get outside help but he refuses it. If I try to get him to eat better he gets mad. I can't say or do anything as anything sets him off and he gets angry and snappy. My poor mom is dealing with all this too. I'm also wondering if hes psychofrenic like his great grandmother was due to him talking to himself and making up crazy stories. I dont mean to sound heartless, of course I care about my dad but every week it's getting to much to handle and I need help/advice.
You are enabling your father's behaviors. If he really needs help, he doesn't have an option to refuse outside help unless you and your mother enable. Your father is 61, even with bad health, he most likely still has many years ahead of him so your family needs to get a sustainable lifestyle and care situation going.
Is your father receiving SSDI benefits? Planning on taking SS early retirement next year at 62?
Could your father's PCP refer him to a pain management practice to help him reduce his reliance on pain medications?
Consider contacting the Area Agency on Aging (AAA) and get a needs assessment for your father. He may qualify for an senior center or adult day care program and some in home services. He needs to get out of the house. I have chronic pain and sometimes need pain medication too. But I can often "manage" my pain with heating pads, cold pack wraps, OTC medications, hot baths, and range of motion exercises. Swimming and water walking exercises are very good for both reducing swelling and pain because the water removes about half the apparent body weight while adding movement resistance to provide effective range of motion exercises I could not perform with the water "support". Getting your mind on something else is also a big component of pain management. Reading works for me, as does building log houses with a grand-nephew or talking with friends or family. Sitting on the couch, being isolated in his home, is not helping your father manage his pain or avoid depression.
You need to break your father's pattern of abusive language. When my father was recovering from hip replacement surgery, I got a 10 minute sand egg timer. Whenever my father spoke abusively to me, I turned the timer over and walked out of the room. If he was till cussing when the timer ran out, I turned it over again. Sometimes if he was asking for something he really needed now, like a glass of water, I gave him the water and then turned the timer over. It took a while and it never eliminated the abusive language completely (because my father had vascular dementia) but it did turn it down significantly.
It's not easy, but you can change things if you are willing to be determined and consistent with your own actions. Remember you cannot control your father or his actions, but you have total control over how you react to his actions. Stop being an enabler and your father will be forced to do for himself or accept outside help.
Some people are just negative and are angry with life for dealing them a bad hand, so to speak. They blame everyone else and can be mean and nasty. To be truthful, you are enabling your father by waiting on him. Are you afraid of his anger and negativity if you don’t wait on him? Has he ever gotten physical with you or your mother? If he threatens you at any time, you need to call the police. You are encouraging him to be nasty by not making him do things himself. When he calls and spouts negativity, tell him you’re busy and hang up. If you allow him to get away with this, he will continue to use you.
Some people are just not happy unless they’re unhappy.
If he can't get up to get his food,... well, then serve him what you want, and let him complain if he wants...
put ear plugs in if it gets too tiresome... Don't serve his meds to him... make him get up and get them himself. Place them where yo know where they are, and try to get him on a routine.
good luck..
I am sorry, I don't have any good advice.
If OP’s father is doing nothing to help himself become more active, use the skills he still has, and seek help for any one of his numerous difficulties, there really is no way for his family members (victims/unpaid help/unappreciated go-fers) to pick up the slack.
Verbal abuse and harassment are best addressed by totally ignoring them OP. You have a life. An anchor around your neck can result in nothing better for you than drowning.