My father won't let me order groceries to be delivered.

You've a long history here with us, Mary. I don't recall the knee replacement. I sure wish you a good healing, and no, don't do a thing that might hurt or hinder that.
As to Dad, well, saves you saying "Bye, Dad" doesn't it, Mary? When he hangs up, I mean.

My brother used to have a saying when I was a kid. I think it's still around. He used to say
"Good riddance to bad rubbish". I just remembered that one.

One thing we know about good old dad. He will get hold of you when he wants you, won't he?
Guess he just isn't hungry enough. Or has a good pizza delivery company. I recall other instances of the folks telling you to LEAVE THEM ALONE. Maybe just do that. I don't think they deserve you.

Yep you are right I have a history of him refusing help. I guess it has to be help on HIS terms only. (He also doesn't want to pay the delivery fee I am sure, even though he has money)

Bad arthritis in my knee and it's getting worse, I am thinking about a replacement not sure yet. Last thing I want to do is lug heavy grocery bags up stairs.

"Good riddance to bad rubbish" is still around I use it all the time :)

"One thing we know about good old dad. He will get hold of you when he wants you, won't he?" Yep just like he did today

Good, don't answer when he calls you again, make some more boundaries and stick to them.

He is a self-centered bully, don't play his sick game.

So I guess he's going to go without.

Too bad

Too bad for dad, then huh?

Ask him if he decided to stop eating. If yes, ask if he wants to starve to death. If no then ask if he has a plan as to how to set food and cook it?

Why would you ever have anything to do with this old goat again???

Ignore him. He’ll find someone else to browbeat and intimidate

it sounds like he doesn’t like change. It’s much easier to ask you to do it than rely on someone else. Next time you’re with him ask him what he needs from the store. Make a list as he tells you. Then say, I know you aren’t interested in having groceries delivered, but it would help me out today to just order them while we’re visiting. Then place the order. Pick a time for deliver for when it’s convenient for you to be there. Maybe if he sees the process it wo t feel overwhelming to him.

Oh well. Thats what you can do for him. If he doesn't want to do it that way thats his problem. I would not fall and hurt myself for this man. Or make my knee worse. I read one of your previous posts, ur sister is the POA let her do for him.

First of all, the won't "let" you is ridiculous. Tell him in no uncertain terms that he has choices. The choices are make a list and have it delivered, find someone else to shop for him, or starve.
You can't haul groceries in for him anymore. So stop doing that.

Did you know that hunger can be a cure for asinine nonsense, stubbornness and ingrate, entitled behavior?

Try it. I'm telling you your father will come around to the idea of online grocery delivery if you refuse to go to the store for him.

My mother was very much like what your father sounds like. I cooked daily for her and all she did was complain. So the meals and shopping stopped and everything would stay stopped until she changed her attitude and behavior towards me.

She swallowed her pride when she got tired of living on old peanut butter and stale crackers.

Put your foot down with your father and he'll knock off the crap.

I’d suggest that next time he calls you, you ‘hang up on him’.

You tell him you are not going out .

Either it gets delivered or he finds someone else to go out.

You have the upper hand here. He’s the one that will get hungry .

Mary, many years ago, I sat my 88 year old mom, still living at home in an isolated suburb, down and said the hardest words I've ever uttered.

"Mom, I can't do this anymore."

"This" was rushing to her side for perceived emergencies. Affecting my job, my health and my marriage.

Mom argued with me. I was able to be empathetic, but resolute. That since SHE was the one with the needs, she was going to have to be the one who either moved, accepted outside health or suffered the consequences.

You need to find the strength to say "no" to your dad. And mean it.

So did you bring dad the groceries today or place an order for a delivery tomorrow?

He asked.
You said no but offered an alternative. A reasonable solution.
He got angry.
OK.

Keep this up.

Saying no to brats, even senior brats, is not just ok but needed.

He says he is going himself tomorrow morning.

He is very unstable and a fall will probably be happening (I hope not) at some point.

He won't use his walker or cane and is still driving.

He's playing the FOG game now.

FOG: Fear Obligation Guilt.
What he says is used to manipulate. To make you do what he says by feeling;

Fear he will fall on the ice.
Obligation to help your old Dad.
Guilt if he falls it will be because you didn't go.

Two of our clan have done this. Eg Oh, it can wait..I suppose.. but if you came tonight.. otherwise I will have to get up on the ladder & do it myself. I could fall...

What we have done is first asking WHAT was the issue & then gather how urgent it ACTUALLY was.

A blown light globe in an unused room could absolutely wait until the next visit. Sheesh.

My DH was CLEAR;
- That can wait
- I will come X day to do it
- I advise you to stay safe & NOT climb a ladder
- if YOU choose to take that RISK & get on the ladder that is YOUR RISK.
- the consequences will be YOURS. If you break your neck, it is YOUR neck.
- a very SILLY person may risk that
- I'm sure you can still decide for yourself what's best.

How's that?

YES Dad you could go tomorrow.
But I will still order the groceries anyway.
He does what he wants.
You do what you want.
So no problem.

Here's the website you want to explore:

https://outofthefog.website/

He can "insist" all he wants. And you can decline. He does not and can not MAKE you do anything. He doesn't seem to understand that. Yet.

If you feel unsafe, do not go out. Ice is nothing to fool with. Someone I know, about 80yo, slipped on black ice going to her mailbox and broke her kneecap. Had surgery and now recovering. YOU come first so don't let him bully you into doing anything you don't want to do.

You set your boundaries, loud and clear. Dad, as long as he is competent, will adjust. Or not. His choice.

You have control over what you will and won't do. You don't have any control over your dad. You can change you, You can't change him. He can insist all he likes. It doesn't mean you have to do whatever.

Decide for yourself what you are willing to do, what is safe and reasonable that you want to do for him, and what you won't do. You don't have to explain or justify to anyone or argue with anyone what you will and won't do. Your first responsibility is to look after yourself. You set your own limits (boundaries). That's your job in looking after you.

He sounds like someone who is very difficult to please. Join the club. There are many of us here who have or had parents who they couldn't please. The trick is to stop trying. Just decide what you think is reasonable and stick to that. If he is unhappy about it that is his problem. His emotions are his to deal with. It's not your job to make him happy or to do all that he wants you to do in the way he wants you to do it.

As a caring person we look after some one else's needs but not necessarily their wants. He needs food, He doesn't need you to do the grocery shopping for him. He wants you to do the grocery shopping. Well, fine but it is not good for you so you are not doing it.

Stick to your guns. He will test your limits and use anger to try to manipulate you to do what he wants. Stay firm and let him figure it out. There are lots of options. And know that if he drives and gets into an accident or slips and falls IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. He is making his choices. You are making yours.

(((((hugs)))))

nm

Well, if he hung up on you, consider this as doing you a favor. Then, you didn’t have to repeat the same message to him. You definitely know that he heard you!

Good job, telling him no. Keep up the good work. Don’t ever judge yourself by what others think of you. Focus on what you did right. That’s all that matters.

He didn’t need nonessential items immediately. He is asking you for a favor. When my mom asked me to do her shopping. She ended with, “Go whenever it is convenient for you.” I appreciated that.

You tell him that you will go when it is convenient for you or he gets delivery from here on out. There is no room for negotiation. Again, you are providing a service for him. He should be appreciative.

I despise when people feel like they are entitled and that it is a privilege for you to serve them. Nope! Doesn’t work that way. They are fortunate to have you helping them and they should act accordingly.

Some people assume that we can teach others how to treat us. Uh, no we can’t. Disrespectful people don’t change.

We have to change the way we think about them. We do not have to value their opinions. We have to teach ourselves to respect ourselves enough not to allow others to push us around.

Great answers by all the other posters. They covered it well!

I have one question , what do you mean by " my sister is threatening he and myself over the "will" ".

Can I ask:
1) what is the status of the will. Is it completed?
2) Is your dad cognitively competent or not? If he is incompetent now, then the will should not be changeable
3) Does your sister do at least as much work for him as you?

Hard to know what you mean without more info. However, if you really have inheritance to lose, sometimes, even if it is walking away from money, that can be the best thing to do.....

“My sister actually said she would fight me until I am dead”. Bizarre! Tell her perhaps she will fight you until SHE is dead – if she wants to. Crazy stuff!

He can make demands and he will not get groceries.

He can refuse to have groceries delivered, and he will not get groceries.

When he complains about not having groceries, remind him that it’s his fault. He chose not to accept your offer. Oh well.

This is a safe place to vent/dump.

Next.. keep dumping!
Nonsense requests? Dump.
Garbage phone calls? Dump.
Rude people? Dump.

I just read your last reply. To me looks like sister feels whatever Dad has is hers. Fighting you means contesting the Will when Dad passes? Well, she only hurts herself because Probate won't close until beneficiaries sign the accounting. She can't get her inheritance till then. I think u have a "crazy" family and I think its time to cut ties with them. Your the normal one. Tell Dad if he needs anything to call sister. If he threaten he is taking you out of the Will tell him thats OK, Sis seems to want it all anyway. Tell him and Sis that you are done. They are now on their own and can rely on each other. Just forget you even exist.

Mary, this is the only way you will keep your sanity is do just break off communication from these two. You owe them nothing. Block them now. Take their phone numbers out of your contacts. Block their numbers on you phone. If u get VMs, don't even listen to them. Numbers that aren't familiar let go to VM. Listen to them, if its a hospital, social worker, police or APS, ignore the calls. Dad has your sister. She wants the money, then she can work for it. If police or APS come to your door, tell them you have broken ties with ur family. Give them sister's phone and shut the door.

Once you do this, you cannot waver. Let Dad go get his own groceries. If he falls and breaks something, thats all on him. You told him what ur willing to do and why. Seems he doesn't worry about what happens to you. If he lands in the hospital again, thats on him. If your called, tell them you are estranged from him. That there is no one in his home to care for him and give him sister's phone number. Thank them for the call and hang up. Then block the hospitals phone #. If its felt he is 24/7 care they will need to file for State guardianship. That person will be responsible for Dad getting into a home and will then have control over Dads money. There will be no inheritance because it will go towards his care and when gone the guardian will file for Medicaid. Dad will be safe and cared for.

I believe what goes around comes around. This is Dads come around. If he had been a better father, then u would help. But he wasn't and isn'. His other daughter is just out for his money. This is what happens when u treat people the way he has. IMO he needs to realize before he dies that his actions hurt people. And in no way do these people owe him anything. Will he learn, I doubt it. But its his bed....

Again, break off contact now. He is not your responsibility.