My father physically and emotionally abused me my entire childhood and my mom refused to leave him. He abused her as well. He now has Parkinson’s disease and is very disabled and for me to make money I have been caring for him because I have health issues of my own where I can’t hold a job that is not flexible because I need to lay down on and off because of my heart rate spiking. I’m also in college and that alone is hard to have a job that I can afford my bills with. I’m 32 years old and also don’t have enough money to get a place of my own because of how expensive living is. My mother constantly guilt trips me into being around to help her. His insurance won’t cover any aids or help either except to pay me. I’m at a loss. Wondering if there’s any advice for me out there.
I’ve heard others in similar situations say that setting boundaries (even small ones) made a huge difference—like deciding what tasks they could realistically do and what was too triggering, and then sticking to that. Sometimes support groups (in-person or online) specifically for adult children of abusive parents or for caregivers can help give you a place to unload the emotions without judgment.
Since you’re also balancing college and health issues, you have every right to protect your own well-being. Even if the financial side makes it harder, you’re not wrong for wanting to take care of yourself, too. You’re already carrying a lot, and it’s okay to acknowledge that you need support, not just guilt and pressure.
And the guilt tripping - OMG, right?! Maybe this will help with your mom thing. What I did with both of my parents when they ask for something or guilt me into doing something, I have begun telling them, "Ok I can help but not right now, but I can 2:00 or tomorrow .... whatever the timeframe. It's actually successful most of the time. Other times elderly parents are just like toddlers though.
Anyway, I just wanted to reach out to and tell you are not alone, my heart breaks for the history with dad, but try to put yourself first as much as you can - even like 15 minutes! Go into the bathroom and close the door and pretend you are "doing business" so I can just take a damn breath - be sure to flush and was your hands before you go back out. And put YOUR health first. It's hard - my father is living with me now and daily its like "WTF is going to happen today." So to a point I get it, but my dad wasn't an abuser but he always was hardly there for me and my brother and focused alot of his attention to his stepkids.
But this is not about me, it's about you. I wish I had some advice for you. Sometimes appeasing the little things and being firm on the bigger stuff can bring the boil of the guilt trip down. As an example - your mom says the house needs to be vacuumed (or whatever), perhaps say ok, but I will do it tomorrow afternoon because I have to tend to some other things today. And try to remain as neutral as you can to avoid blow ups - boy me and my Dad have had it out a few times and it ain't fun.
I am looking into the Medicaid program which will allow me to be a caregiver and get some pay from it. Here is the link. I'm in Virginia, so you may have to check with your state. https://www.dmas.virginia.gov/for-members/benefits-and-services/waivers/ccc-plus-waiver/
As for work, have you looked for online or remote jobs? You probably have, but thought I'd toss that out there anyway. Wishing you peace, solutions, and patience.
I hope that some of this helps you even a tiny bit.
And, no is responsible for anyone's care. If you decide to refuse that route, do not sign up for a medical/financial POA agent since you will be responsible for their care for life. If you are on a POA, it's up to you whether you want to continue. Many people in care have outlived their "Loved Ones'" and had to become the ward of the state since legally Someone has to look after them till death due us part.
Now, I feel her long-ago neglect and years of bullying ruined my personality that made my learnig disabilty worse and an angry person today,
I have limited relationships and spend most of my time alone (almost like an animal) since some of my family will not talk with me because of their own dysfunctions.
I am isolated living alone and mostly do it to myself from personality issues and anxiety, so I have been seeing a therapist for years and likely will for much of my life to help me adjust to life's complications. I also have some health conditions at age 69 from many stressful years.
Go to your county for a free attorney and other services where a social worker will help you. You will not become homeless.
there are a variety of flexible hour jobs; look online / in your area and discuss with a trusted person. maybe dog walking, food delivery or some other local gig.
ask people you know; professors or office staff. ask until you get the help you need.
and then get the hell away from BOTH of your parents. do not contact them, do not let them contact you. they are both abusing you and you do NOT deserve to be abused.
you father has NO right to demand care from you. your mother has NO right to demand you care for your dad.
go read reddit forums about these issues; maybe start with narcissistic parents. you are not alone.
Being present for yourself, practicing good self-care and knowing that you do not have to martyr yourself to providing care for a relative. Your Mom needs help in figuring out why she is so dependent on you, and you sound like you are ready to move on from being so dependent on your parents. I wish you all the best!
It is common for therapists, let alone counsellors, to not recognise their own situation while being able to help someone else deal with theirs. In fact, that's why they are mandated to have therapy/counselling themselves.
I think it's incredibly arrogant to think we know more about someone's life, based on a few paragraphs, than they know themselves. Giving advice is one thing but telling someone to quit their study or career path is something else.
Don't let anything or anyone discourage you from getting your degree. You will then be able to support yourself. Try to get your hands on the book, "Boundary Boss". I also abused very young and then sought out others who treated me the same as my childhood abusers. Be careful as you're vulnerable. Watch out if someone comes along with a sad story in the future and then you repeat being bullied into caregiving. I am speaking from experience.
Sounds like you have Complex PTSD; no wonder you have anxiety and a racing heart. You're constantly being triggered living with your parent's issues. You need to calm your body down and that's difficult living with dysfunction. Read up on techniques: prayer, meditation, breathing, being out in nature. Don't let them bully you. He is your mother's problem, not yours. And tell her exactly that if she tries to guilt trip you again. She's transferring her problem of not leaving him onto you. Don't allow it. Hang in there and look towards the future. Get that degree and your wings will follow.
Thirty-two years old is young. Don't let your parent's life choices control your life. Start separating and detaching emotionally from their issues. Stay in school and graduate.
If you want to go into further detail about your situation, feel free to pm me through this app.
I had a similar situation. The dynamics were slightly different but the racing heartbeat and laying down are familiar symptoms I experienced as well. Sleep helped me a lot.
You're right. The only way through is out. The OP needs to detach from the abusive and dysfunctional family dynamic. The only way that can happen is by leaving.
When exploitive and manipulative people (especially when they're needy) think someone has no choices other than them, they will be even more abusive and dismissive.
The OP has choices. It's a matter of what they're willing to do to get out of their situation.
If you are as disabled as you claim to be, you would be collecting disability payments. If you're being turned down you don't meet the criteria for being disabled. How can you care for a disabled invalid with Parkinson's disease and attend college if you yourself are so disabled that you can't be employed?
You're being paid to be a caregiver to your father as you state in your post. So, I've got news for you, my friend. You HAVE a JOB. You are a paid caregiver and that is employment. If you don't want to do this job anymore, you can quit and find another one.
You say you're looking for some advice, so here's some. QUIT your JOB caregiving for your father if you don't want to do it anymore and get another one. Then move out. You're 32 years old. It's time. Yes, housing is very expensive that is a fact. You may have to get two jobs to afford a place on your own, or will have to have a roommate to share expenses.
As for your mother's guilt-trips. I know how that is and am going to tell you exactly how I handle that nonsense with my mother.
I ignore her and walk away. Guilt-trips and manipulation only work on someone when the person allows them to.
Good luck to you and I hope you get your life together.
that said, this person needs help, advice, and encouragement to see options.
also,
yes, multiple housing options exist.
and yes, boundary setting for them to go no contact with both parents is the best healthy option for now, to get some distance.
Definitely look into the possibility of sharing an apartment with some other students. Usually there are bulletin boards on campus with room mate wanted notices. While this is certainly not ideal, it is better than living with your parents if you can at all manage it. You may have to cut back on the number of classes you are taking. It might be worth it, though, to take an extra year or two to finish college and be out of your parents' house. As long as you live with them, you will be constantly fighting your mother about caring for your father.
I do understand where you are coming from. I had some issues similar to yours. Get your priorities in order: first take care of you, now; second, take care of your future. Taking care of you now means getting out of your mother's house, whatever you need to do. Taking care of your future means finding a way to continue your education.
I ended up getting my degree when I was 34 and a single mother. It took me 6 years. I graduated with less than $10K of student loans (and it took me 10 years to pay them off. Try to avoid these if you can.) Then I moved a continent away from my parents to get my head straight. That took another 10 years of therapy. I am sorry I can't give you any easy answers. Sometimes there aren't any but hard choices. I do know this, though, you can find a way to make it out of your parents house and you can get through this. Be patient with yourself and be kind to yourself. Just know that others have made it and you can, too.
Unfortunately, there are few to no charities that concentrate on the problems of women in their prime. I am afraid you probably will not find much help. Some church groups that sponser tiny homes and similar charities for housing the poor and disabled may listen to your story.
If you know Java, or can learn it, look into some online side gigs doing computer programming. There are a lot of them out there that are part time and can be done whenever and wherever you want. It is a good way to supplement your income. Just do whatever you can and keep up your faith in yourself.
Something to possibly investigate, is whether your father can become a ward of the state, if he can no longer care for himself and if your mother isn’t willing to care for him, although I don’t know if marriage makes this an impossibility. I know there are states, that have filial responsibility laws, which means they will take a portion of your pay, to pay for a parent’s care, until you are perhaps 55. But, I don’t know if the abuse is a consideration. No one should be forced to care for or fund an abusive parent. But, you might need to provide evidence of this abuse. Keep in mind that the state might simply be looking to offset costs and, as offspring, you’re it. You can love and feel owing to your parents, for bringing you into this world, feeding and sheltering you. But, not to the point of ruining your life and future. You need to be a whole, individuated and free person, living on your own, if you can get there. Having parents does not and should not devalue your life. You’re not a purchased cow.
Filial laws cannot command that an adult child hand over a portion of their income to support parents who planned their own lives poorly. That doesn't just happen. They have to sue for it in court. There are lawyers involved and it doesn't just happen.
The OP doesn't have any money and has no other income than what they get for taking care of the father with Parkinson's disease. If at some point they get money, the best bet is to live in a state that does not have filial laws.
I'm asking because a friend of mine had a pacemaker fitted at your age to regulate her heartbeat. It's unusual in a young person, but sometimes it's necessary.
Do you have a physical defect of the heart, or are the spikes due to stress and anxiety disorder?
Your health should come first and, if you're that ill that you need to lie down regularly, I'm concerned that caring for your dad and living with him and your mum could make your condition worse.
Do everything you can to look for alternatives to living with your parents. Be brave and consider options that you wouldn't have considered before and see them as opportunities. I'm thinking of jobs with accommodation, answering an ad to share an apartment (but be sensible and safe about it), look into homeless charities or any that help people with health conditions and disabilities back onto their feet.
In the meantime, if you really need to take on caregiving duties as a way to keep body and soul together, then do it as a job and not as a daughter. Do the bare minimum and completely block all requests to do more.
If your mum is capable of basic daily living tasks, then let her get on with them.
Do not sit in the living room with them; do not sit at meals with them on a regular basis, just occasionally; do not engage in their moans, whines or problems. Do what you would do if they weren't family and you were just employed for basic carer duties by strangers.
You have to learn to not rise to their baits. Just do the job, then get out (wear headphones in your own room so you find it easier to ignore them when they demand more).
But I urge you to only do this until you have found alternative arrangements.
Build boundaries and take back your life.
You could try the "gray rock" method with Dad. You literally ignor him. Look it up.
That may not seem important now, but it could kick off a long-range plan so that you can eventually earn enough to live on or maybe even part-time work now. As someone else has posted, the college may be able to find you living quarters so you don't have to live in the home of your abusers.
Yes, two abusers. Dad AND mom. You owe your abusers nothing. You owe yourself everything. Keep that in mind, and good luck to you.
Also, I’ve never looked at my mom as an abuser as well. That’s something else to sit with. Thank you for the luck!
I ask this because my daughter in law was an orphan . When she was in college she was homeless . The college worked with her to let her stay in a dorm on campus all year as well as give her a part time job .
This would get you out of this situation . Maybe the college could help find you shelter even if it’s with a nearby family willing to let you stay at their home in between semesters if they won’t allow you to stay on campus all year .
I know a couple in their 60’s who each year host an international student to stay with them when the dorms are closed . Maybe the college can arrange the same for you .
The choice is yours as a grownup whether or not you choose to do so.
Your mother cannot "guilt you". She is an old woman who can't anymore do much of anything, let alone "guilt you".
Guilt is entirely inappropriate. You didn't cause their problems and you can't fix them and cause is a part of guilt. You are simply feeling GRIEF and hopefully you are sparing little of THAT for THEM. The grief you should feel is that your parents use you and abuse you and always did, and you allow them to.
If you intend to place yourself bodily on their funeral pyre be warned: no one will admire you for it. You will have no thanks for it. It will never change who and what they are and always were. It is a waste. And most of all, understand that is is your OWN CHOICE, and you are responsible for that choice.
Sorry to be so brutal. I know a talk therapist would be every so much more kind. But he/she would also be making a living off of listening to this and listening to it and listening to it.
It is in your hands. If you want help go to a good COGNITIVE therapist who will change your way of thinking and self-speech that is self-harming.
You deserve more. When you understand that I hope you will TAKE more.
Seek out your college councelling service. Venting all this is fine.
See where you are.
Next will come starting to identify what you may want for YOUR life.
Then finding what support you will need to help you. What steps will be involved. Goals can be like a staircase - one step at a time.
From I can't.. I would like to.. Maybe I could try. I CAN try. I WILL try.
You choose to. It felt like the right thing at at time. OK.
You can CHANGE your MIND at any time. Start to RE-choose.
Choose Life (as the Wham! song said).
You owe them nothing...as in nothing!!!
Surely you have a friend or other family member whose couch you can crash on until you finish school right? And if not I believe living at a homeless shelter would be better than living with abusive parents.
And if you can't hold down a job because of your health issues why don't you see an attorney about applying for disability for yourself?
I'm sorry that you too had parents that suck, but please know that you deserve so much better.
You owe him nothing and you have zero obligation to him.
Take care of you!