My Father (85) is so hateful and mean. He can't live alone because he falls a lot and has a ton of health problems. Advice?

I manage his living arrangements, his healthcare, his finances and his house. I'm responsible for just about everything. I have a sister but she lives out of state. I don't really have a choice. HE couldn't care less what reactions he gets for his behavior. I, however, am the one who pays the price. If he gets kicked out of this facility I'm not sure what I'll do.

I don't know why we think we can/should save other people from the consequences of their own actions. Someone who has always been negative and impatient can expect certain reactions to that, especially away from people who make allowances because they love him.

Thank you for responding. Other than normal aging I don't think he has a serious dementia problem. Yes, he has always been somewhat negative and impatient with others. Only now he just blurts out whatever he feels with no regard for others' feelings. He wasn't happy at home either. He was by himself a lot and lonely. I tried hiring someone to help him and give him companionship but, of course, he didn't like him and found every excuse not to keep him. He complained about the housekeeper, the home health aides - everyone. Now that he's in assisted living, all he wants is to be at back home. But without full time care, that's just not an option. And financially that's just not possible. Honestly, I don't think I could live with him even if I was able to - which I'm not.

I have the same question GA asked. Has Dad always been hateful and mean? If so, I have two observations: 1) It is probably not realistic to expect a major change at this point. and 2) It would be best for you to care for him from a distance -- through a social worker or care manager. Having a hateful and mean father should not be a life sentence for the children.

If this behavior is relatively new, then I wonder if he has cognitive problems, such as dementia. Has he had a thorough examination? Sometimes the symptoms of dementia can be helped with drugs and with knowledgeable treatment by caregivers. If this behavior could be the result of dementia or mental illness I would hope that every possible medical treatment could be considered. I would also hope that you don't abandon your father in his time of great need. If he was a decent father to you for decades and this is a big change, he deserves a little more effort.

BUT be absolutely clear on this: whatever the cause of his being hateful and mean, DO NOT consider moving him in with you. Just don't do it. I know you didn't mention this, but I worry about the "I don't know what to do," so I'm offering a strong "what not to do."

I like GA's suggestion for talking to the facility's social worker and perhaps other staff who have gotten to know Dad. What do they recommend? Do they think he shows other signs of dementia? I understand that facilities have to do what is best for their entire population, but generally they are very sympathetic to family members who must deal with "hateful and mean" loved ones.

I think the consistent focus of people who respond here is to offer help, even in situations that seem beyond help. I also think this is one of them. You apparently have tried but your father just won't cooperate. Perhaps it's time to call APS and ask them to intervene and find a place for him that has special anger management treatment.

This must be so frustrating for you. Has your father always been like this? Is he mad b/c he's not at home?

I suspect that adjusting to leaving one's home is one of the most difficult issues people face, although some manage to handle it well but others resist it all the way.

You might also want to talk to any social workers at the facility to see if they have any recommendations. There might be places that handle people with anger issues.