I took care of my father for over 10 years while my brother and his wealthy wife traveled the world in luxury. I paid for every restaurant lunch and dinner, with the exception of like two times, probably on my birthday. Recently my brother, who now lives close by, bought my father $300 in groceries. He forgot some items and my father asked me to go out and get them, at a cost of about $80. I am not in the same situation as my brother, particularly right now. I kind of hesitated and my father looked me up and down with this look of "what kind of disgusting person doesn't have $80 to buy groceries for his elderly father?".
Yesterday I told him my work is consuming all my time, which is true, and he says "Well, your brother is the only one with time that can help me." That is so insulting to me! It's like he's trying to play me against my brother. Am I imagining this? I am ready to leave right after the holidays. I don't care if I leave with just the clothes on my back. This just feels so abusive to me and I want out! Am I overblowing this?
PS. I just found out that my brother's wife has cut him off from large spending and has given him a long list of daily chores. So now my father will have to make plans to have a paid caregiver tend to him if I leave. This will be good for him. I now feel like the position of parent and child has been reversed!
So how does one successfully deal with it? Simply just keep on living your life, not someone elses, without doubt of your abilities and always do the right thing. What will happen is you will cut right through all the negativity and you experience countless joys in your life that you create. Don't let anyone bring you down!
IMO, what is expected of you is to clean cook and do Dads wash. That is it. Otherwise, you keep your opinions to yourself.
"My dad told you there was nothing that could be done; you're incompetent." Really! At least you "went" out of your way to find out. Did the same nephew apologize after you told brother a lawyer said there maybe some recourse. If not, maybe you should demand that he apologize because you are not as incompetent as ur brother thinks. And, does not look like dear Dad stands up for you.
"Now you're back there. Haha. Sorry I didn't mean it." This friend is seeing something that you seem to turning a blind eye too. He sees that you are getting no respect or appreciation for what ur doing. Really, I don't know how you put up with the disrespect. You deserve so much more. Just because you aren't financially set like brother does not make u less of a person. And look, its his wife that brought in the money. If you are going to continue to care for Dad, you need to stand up to these bullys. Me, I would have walked away by now.
The name lisatrevor is from a video game so who knows it this is a female or male. More likely this is a troll or a person with problems looking for attention in the wrong places for them.
Well, on Monday the other attorney got back to me - he said my father has "definite recourse" because of certain criteria. I told the contractor's office this and they settled the next day! Amazing!
I hope someone else finds a valuable lesson in this. Just because someone may have more money than you it doesn't mean they are automatically right, like my brother's foolish family did. And secondly, when faced with a legal issue ALWAYS get at least two opinions from two different attorneys. I can't believe in this case each one had two opposite opinions and one of them was right! Didn't they both go to law school and pass the bar exam?
It's a jungle out there! Always know that there are people who care, even if you can't see them!
In the future, ie Christmas, contact the host family directly. Don’t take Dads word anymore.
Plus I thought dad had aides already. But you called them “service providers.” Sorry, but that piece of the story makes no sense.
Many adults, especially women, present with the sort of profile you do and are in fact on the Autism spectrum. The diagnostic criteria have changed over the years and there is increasing recognition that ASD in girls looks different from ASD in boys.
You should read this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Journal-Best-Practices-Marriage-Asperger/dp/1439189749?ref=d6k_applink_bb_dls&dplnkId=7226f65d-458c-4ab9-8f5f-778d5f302170
But thank you for listening and your opinion. I believe the internet is overwhelmingly a benefit to mankind; it's people who abuse others on it are the problem.
You appear, quite consistently, not to get the subtleties of social relationships.
You brother invited your father to dinner. Having you show up at brother's would be awkward, as you were not invited to dinner. Thus the "hint" not to show up at brother's.
There is much you seem to miss about the social "big picture". Perhaps you should consider working with a therapist who can help facilitate the development of your social skills and "savvy".
I have never been diagnosed of anything but all my life I do not do well in social situations. It seems others can't get things out of a relationship with me that they can with others. This started when I was started middle school. I was part of the "in", cool kids. That's ok because I learned that works in my favor in a number of ways. I have one good friend but we haven't spoken in a long time because they are having major issues with their family. I am more of a decent person than most people. For example, since I moved here there have been so many problems in my neighborhood. A lot of people are simply disrespectful of others (noise, unbehaved dogs, dishonesty, etc.).
That was their job, to raise you to become an independent individual.
Your job is to live a successful life, not hang about and wait for gratitude.
LIsa, move on and leave your dad to your brother. Stop competing with your brother to be "the best".
For so many years I made sure that all our holidays were really good. For my father, nephews, my brother and his wife's birthdays I bought them very thoughtful gifts that they enjoyed. I went way above and beyond what a good daughter, sister and aunt should be. I moved here from far away out of the goodness of my heart to a place that has higher crime, worse weather and many problems of a larger city and now I'm being excluded from family gatherings during the holidays? What the heck! What did I do (or not do)?
I hope someone else who is in a similar position reads this and knows that it's not you - it's them. It's time that I start living my life for myself! I know I've been saying this but it's so difficult when it's your parent who raised you well (by my standards). Thanks for listening. I'm going for a walk before it gets dark!
I think that is your problem. You are looking for Love where there isn't any. You Dad looks at women differently than men. They are just there to wait on him. Your Dad is a "taker" not a giver. He does it with you and her does it with your brother. As long as you two cater to him, he is going to lap it up.
The wife has the money and she is tired of spending it on a man who just takes and takes. Time for Dad to go to an AL. It would benefit everyone. And if he refuses to go, the money train stops. Having boundries does not mean your disrepectful. I have followed your posts. I know members have told you to move out. Please Lisa...move out. Your beating a dead horse. Dad is not going to change. For you its been this way for a long time. Your only hurting yourself trying to continue to look for Dad to say "thank you". He can't say it because he expects it. He can't because he does not know how.
Time to realize you will never have the relationship with Dad (and brother) that you want. It won't happen. You need to MOVE OUT. Make another life for yourself or your going to be a very lonely person. Don't expect things out of people. Just be happy when someone does a nice thing for you. The big thing "look inside yourself". What can u change about yourself. Time to move on from this situation. It will not get better. You can build a better life.
It's Lisatrevor you're saying all of this too. Surely you remember past posts from this person? Don't give him/her? anymore attention.
Give her credit and acknowledgment for acknowledging this now instead of harping on her for what she said before.
Look at past posts. He/she is not a caregiver.
This is a bored person looking for attention. This isn't the place for that.
A therapist's office or a support group like group therapy is.
Stop playing games.
Games generally need at least 2 people to play. If you quit the game sounds like you will be the "winner".
You do not mention in your profile what "caregiving" your dad needs.
But if he was/is physically or financially able to do all the things you have said you have done for the past 10 years then he really has pulled the wool over your eyes.
There are no "games" being played. Lisatrevor like always is playing games with us. Making up stories to get attention or pity from the members of this group.
THAT was your first big mistake.
NOT moving away like you claimed you would do months ago is your second big mistake. Why didn't you do that?
Leaving would take me away from my father's remaining years. He took care of me and my brother as children and did so at great sacrifice. He wasn't perfect but overall he was and is still a great father. It's a tough decision. At least I have a little bit of nature here where I can go safely for walks. If it were a totally urban environment I would have left by now.
Based on your other posts it didnt sounded like you were taking care of him for 10 years that was all your brother.
I bet you are regretting not supporting brother when he wanted to move him into a facility right about now.
The lack of communication in your family is sad. But not uncommon with a dynamic like your family has. You need to sit down and have a talk with dad. Tell him you cant afford to buy him groceries and whatever else is on your mind.
Now that husband's wife has finally stopped the nonsemse of buying dad whatever he wants maybe real change can happen. It's not going to be easy but it can be done.
Good luck to you.
I forgot to add that I did all my father's house chores over those 10 years and gave up most of my precious vacation time to make sure he was not alone. It was never a burden, I did it gladly, but the way I'm treated now makes me feel like I wasted so many years. The good news is still do have a fairly long future ahead.
You have done enough, time to leave the drama behind.
You and your brother have had problems from the beginning. The family dynamics are what they are, what I suspect they always will be. If you don't like it, your idea of moving away, whether figuratively or literally--the idea you always mention--still sounds good to me.
Sorry to be rude, as far as other reading this go, but suggest reading the history of lisa, the father and the brother; it's a long one.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/caregiver-treated-this-way-am-i-wrong-476855.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/issue-with-brother-update-relationship-over-473809.htm?orderby=recent&page=2
Lisatrevor your posts are always looking for validation of some sort. There's nothing wrong with that in itself, but we only get 1 side of the story so it's not objective validation. But maybe that's really what you want.
The overarching answer to all your posts is to move out and move on. This is called a boundary. Have you ever talked to a therapist about co-dependent relationships? It might be helpful. Plus you'll get a truly objective opinion of your situation.
You came in, in March, and since then, have enabled Dad to have both a care contact paid for via wife, plus additional time spent by you, your nephews and so forth.
If wife is putting her foot down on these aides, and you can’t do what these aides do, then perhaps the whole discussion should pivot to managed care.