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My Dad is 82 years old. He can not walk and for the the past few months, he dosen't even have enough energy to help stand himself up to get in a wheel chair.
He has a home health care aide, every day. Also my mother is a licensed medical assistant, she is still mobile and able to care for him as well. I check on him and visit with him almost every day of the week.
But lately, he has just changed in demeanor... He looks at me with concern in his eyes, he holds my hand and talks to me like he is never going to see me again. He has always told me how proud he is of me, but now he squeezes my hand and acts like he can't tell me enough before I leave. He makes comments like "If I'm here that long."
He is beginning to throw up his food...
He has COPD, he is always wheezing (wet sounds), worse after a breathing treatment.
It breaks my heart to see him this way.


He has had multiple hospital stays over the past 6-7 years... but last year we almost lost him. He had a severe infection... It hit him and the situation immediately escalated. The doctors could not believe that it attacked him so harshly so quickly. He almost died. He would hallucinate, go in to a deep sleep, he didn't know where he was... He told us that he talked to his Father (deceased for many years) and he told him that he would be ok.


But the Good Lord, let me keep him thus far. He knows that I need him.


During that Hospital stay, my mother and I were told that my father has sun downers as well.. So now we have been facing that too. I have noticed it getting worse at times.


I know he is tired... Something seems different... I cry just looking in to his eyes.. they look glossy and exhausted. This man worked till he was crippled and forced to retire, so he could raise me and take care of me. I love my daddy so much. I can't handle conversing on the death topic with him, and my mother is in denial. He sleeps all day and all she can say is "He didn't get enough sleep last night."


But his home health care aide is telling me "He constantly naps all day now."


Anyone have an opinion or information...


My heart is breaking, and I just need to know if his demeanor being this way is a sign, that my daddy could be slipping from me.

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I’m sorry you’re seeing this in your beloved dad. Our hospice nurses told us three main signs that the end is near are 1. losing the desire for food 2. sleeping most of the time, a deeper sleep than usual, and 3. lessening communication. There are also other things like discussing death that can happen, as well as physical signs. My dad knew months before he died that it was coming, often telling us it wasn’t going to be long. Though I dreaded it and never wanted to lose him, I also understood that his life had become too hard and he was truly tired of it. I told him I understood and it was okay to feel as he did. You don’t have to discuss death directly if you can’t do that. Just hold his hand and tell him you understand and that you’re proud of him. Consider hospice care, it was a big help for us, it doesn’t necessarily mean the end is imminent either. I wish you and your dad peace as you go through this
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Ballen1012 Oct 2020
Thank you for your response! The information, support and well wishes are deeply appreciated.
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@Daughterof1930

Thank you for your response! The information, support and well wishes are deeply appreciated.
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Has he seen his doctor concerning these changes? It could be anything causing them. I would want him checked out. He could have Pnemonia. He may need oxygen. I would rule things out before I would consider it the beginning of the end. This way you know everything was done. Then I would call Hospice in. They will keep Dad comfortable and pain free.
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Ballen1012 Oct 2020
Thank you, JoAnn29

They have done an xray of his lungs. No pneumonia. They considered it being worsening COPD. He already does breathing treatments and has to be put on oxygen at times.
They have done blood work, no infection again. Right now they are just keeping him comfortable.
My mother and I have been discussing hospice care, its just getting it in her mind that hospice dosen't always mean the end right then. Its just extra care that he needs. So we are in that process of the transition to hospice.
Its just this feeling I get when he looks at me now... I know he is tired. He acts like he is ready, but my heart most definitely is not.
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I saw that introspective change in both my sister and father.   They knew they were dying, and had thoughts they wanted to share before that happened.
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Ballen1012 Oct 2020
Thank you... I am really beginning to notice these comments and requests from my dad as well...
Its very hard to keep composure when he is making these requests, because I am going to miss him so much. But I will make sure everything he asks for, gets Honored.

Thank you again,

God Bless
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I went through this very thing with my father, tho he wasn't ill.. More he was just exhausted. A good life, early 90s and my Mom had more and more trouble getting him up, getting him to eat. One long morning I lay in bed with him and he told me he was so ready to go, wanted peace, wanted only to sleep and rest. Has had a wonderful life and was "trying" for my Mom, had been for years, but longed for rest and peace. We talked about love, about life, about the single things we did we disappointed ourselves having done. I let him know I was strong, had learned what I needed, would be OK, would never forget him. And I never ever will and feel him with me throughout my life. So many memories. They DO get tired and want peace. Unimaginable to us living, but as a nurse I saw it over and over. Your Dad sees the end coming, I think may long for it. Let him speak honestly with you and reassure him you will be OK, will grieve and cry, but that he will stay safe with you, and has given you what you need. This you do for HIM for all he has done for YOU.
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Ballen1012 Oct 2020
Thank you so much.
I am trying to come to terms with what is coming... It is hard, but I want the best for my dad. Whatever brings him peace.
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I have no advice to give, just wanted to send some prayers. I remember knowing it was coming and the horrible pit in the stomach, lump in the throat it caused. I am sorry you're going thru this, but know you'll be okay. What may seem like an unbearable pain will lessen. I can honestly say, I never thought I would get passed my fathers death and of coarse, I haven't. I am, dealing much better than I would of ever dreamed. I hope the same for you. It sometimes helps to come back to the forums and try to help other ppl. It's a very lonely road you are on, know you aren't alone. Someone here will always walk with you....Stay Strong. ❤
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Ballen1012 Oct 2020
Thank you so much. I appreciate you and everyone on this forum. It's hard because everyone around me, my age still has their parents in good health... Me being adopted and my parents being older, I'm 25 and all I can think of is... I need them longer.
I'm doing everything I can to show my dad, that I'm going to be ok. I have an amazing husband and we take care of each other. My daddy has done an amazing job at raising me, loving me unconditionally and always being there... and I know he will always be with me.
Its just hard to think that the world will continue to go on, without him. I can't see my world continue to spin. But I know it will.
Thank you for your support and response.
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Dear "Ballen1012,"

Your words brought tears to my eyes and is heartbreaking and I know it is for you. It is very apparent how much you love your dad and how much he loves you. Most people don't like talking about death - in some ways I think it's because it makes it more "real" or as if talking about it will somehow make it happen.

He seems to know that his time is short and in his own way is conveying that to you by the way he looks at you, talks to you, by squeezing your hand and telling you how proud he is of you. I know how hard it is to see him this way. My father went very quickly after we found out he had Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer in 2004 - so quickly that even the hospice Case Manager was shocked and came on her day off when the nurse told her he would probably pass away that day which he did later that evening. He was the first parent I lost so I know exactly how distressing and surreal this is for you.

All I can say is to spend as much time with him as you can, be sure you've said all you want to say to him and as hard as it is try to reassure him that you and your mom will take care of one another.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers. May God provide you strength and comfort during this time. I send you a hug!
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Ballen1012 Oct 2020
Thank you so much. I am very sorry for your loss.
I appreciate your support.
My Daddy is my hero, without him... Only God knows where I would have ended up in the system.
I hold him close to me, everytime I see him... I can't imagine going back to the home I was raised in, and not seeing him in his recliner.
Welcoming me home.
But someday, when its my time to go... I know I'll see him, standing again at the gates... Welcoming me home.

You have truly blessed me with your response.
Thank you! 🙏
May God Bless You!
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I read your profile, and felt so sorry for your facing the death of the man who was your father, while you are so young. My parents lived to be much older, though a brother-in-law lost both his parents when he was about 30. It’s good that you have had such a loving relationship, but remember that it has made you a strong person who can and will cope on your own. Do not fear for the future, neither his nor yours. This is life for all of us.
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Ballen1012 Oct 2020
You are a blessing. I appreciate your response!
I love my Daddy so very much. I'm just trying to wrap my mind around seeing my dad, who has been so strong while growing up, Now he is just... Withering away... He told me he is comfortable and happy with the care he receives... My mother and I are discussing hospice care, for extra support. My mother is beginning to tire herself. She is 73, but still very active and mobile. But I can tell she is beginning to slow down as well...

Thank you again for the support.
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I think you would all benefit from that support that you would get from Hospice.
And your mom would get a lot of extra help and support as well as the supplies and equipment she needs to care for your dad.
You are a very lucky young lady. You have had a wonderful example of how parents should be. And you will pass that on to your child/children.
Now for the difficult question. Have you talked to your dad about your feelings and his feelings? Have you asked him why he is holding on to your hand longer. why he makes the comment.. "if I'm here that long",. Let him talk about what he is feeling.
Yes it is going to bring tears to both of you. But the conversation is important.
I think he needs to know that you and your mom are going to be alright. That you will take care of each other. And there might be things that he wants to plan .
And you will loose him.
It will hurt, a lot. But not forever. The hurt will change. It will go from a deep wound to a scar and that takes time.
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Ballen1012 Oct 2020
Thank you so much.
He has actually done better talking to my mother about his plans.
But I will take your advice and see if he will open up to me about the comments he has been making. And see if he wants to talk about how he is feeling...
They are finishing up his will and final arrangements. I know my mother told me that he has been strict on getting that taken care of.
I am very emotional when it comes to my parents.... I just don't want to break down and scare him in any way... I dont want to make him nervous, with me sobbing.

Thank you so much for your response!!
God Bless You!
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If his eyes are glossy and he has less energy, consider that he might have an infection. Please take his temperature to see if he has a fever. Talk to mom about getting him seen by his doctor. Infections can be cured with the right medications. If his COPD is getting worse, it might be best to consider hospice.
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I’m sorry for the emotional pain you are feeling. It is so hard to see the changes aging and severe illness or dementia causes in our parents who once were so vital. I am much more pragmatic about death now probably because of the reading I have done. (Being Mortal book highly recommended), my Stephen Ministry and hospice training. Your dad is probably feeling his mortality and wanting to settle things. This is typical. This is why getting hospice on board sooner than later is helpful. The chaplain can talk with him and listen to his concerns. Hospice is also there for the family too not just the loved one. I hope you will avail yourself of it.
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NobodyGetsIt Oct 2020
Dear "Harpcat,"

Well said. I've often heard hospice companies say that people often come to them later than they would have liked so your advice to get hospice on board sooner than later is best. When my dad was dying in 2004, I didn't really know anything about hospice care nor had I experienced death. My dad did lose his battle quickly with Pancreatic Cancer but, I still wish I had known about hospice sooner. I actually mysteriously heard it on a radio commercial. After that, I never heard it again until years later!

You're also right about both the chaplain (as well as social workers) being there for the entire family not just our loved ones. This time with my mom, I had hospice on board as soon as she qualified and especially with COVID - not being able to go inside, they have been my extra set of "eyes."
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With what you have said, including the sundowner syndrome, it seems like he may be "taking it easy" before he goes. My husband had dementia and later Alzheimers, and he would wake up in the morning, go out to his recliner, and before the coffee was done, he was asleep. It was hard to wake him for his breakfast. Then he'd go back to the recliner and sleep for another hour or two. If I wanted to go out to the store, or even to a luncheon, he would be sleeping when I left and when I returned. I could count on it. This went on for years, maybe 5-6 years. I learned in the caregiver support group that this is normal and let them sleep. She told us her husband was in memory care and slept every day all day in a fetal position for 3 years before he passed. My husband was only awake to watch TV for a short while before he would go back to sleep. He did no other activities. He was not stable enough to take for a walk You may want to ask a nurse or doctor about this, but this is what I learned and experienced.
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Ballen1012 Oct 2020
Thank you for sharing your story... I'm so sorry for your loss.
My goal is to have the best care for my daddy. I want him comfortable and relaxed. He does seem like he is " taking it easy"
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I am so sorry this is happening and hope someone can off you some helpful info.
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Ballen1012 Oct 2020
Thank you! God Bless
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Ballen1012: I'm asking GOD to help you get through this most difficult of times. Prayers sent.
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Ballen1012 Oct 2020
Thank you so much! I definitely need the prayer. My heart just aches... I see him slipping from me, and I guess I'm just selfish. I want him with me... but I know he is tired... its just really hard...
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My mom seemed much as you’ve described your father. She was finishing her long journey and making things right before doing so. We didn’t understand it then, but do now. Even as tired as she was and in the pain she’d so long endured, she’d thank us each for being so special or for having been there for her when she needed us. She slept more, ate less, lost interest in activities she’d previously enjoyed. I now know she was transitioning. Mom began having trouble swallowing at times and would spit up foamy stuff. She aspirated and ended up with double pneumonia. As tough as it was for us to see her fading away (faraway look in her eyes) and constant fatigue, it was a bittersweet blessing when she passed. She was no longer trapped in a body and mind that had been failing her for quite awhile. I’m sorry you’re going through this- it’s so difficult. Be there for your dad, let him know how special he is to you, and be willing to let him “let go” when the time is right. He knows and will want and need your support. Prayers for you and your family🙏
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Ballen1012 Oct 2020
Thank you so much! Your response means a lot to me. I will definitely take your advice.
My daddy really means the world to me. I need him, but someday Heaven will need him more... and I could never ask him to stay and suffer.
I will let go... When the Lord calls him home. But I will most definitely mourn forever for him.

Thank you for the support! I appreciate you.
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Ballen, prepare your heart for anything.

You have been very blessed to have the relationship with your dad that you do. That is something that you will have to cherish until you see him in that day.

One thing that helps me is knowing that my dad will have no more suffering or pain. He will be young again and rooting me on as I finish my journey. May you find a similar peace knowing that this is just a short separation, not goodbye.

Great big warm hug!
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Ballen1012 Oct 2020
Thank you so much!
Our deep faith in Jesus and our eternal home, knowing he will be in victory... Will be what keeps me strong. Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement.
God Bless you.
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Dear "Ballen1012,"

Just was wondering how everything is going for you and your family. If you have any updates you'd like to share, I hope you will.

May God continue to be with all of you -


"Be still, and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

Sending you a hug!
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Ballen1012 Oct 2020
Thank you so much!
I did make an update post.
Still struggling, but even through our storm... God is Good.
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I’m so sorry. I read your words and I see a daughter who dearly loves her father and has begun the grieving process early.

We realize that our parents will leave us one day. It’s hard. It’s sad. I thought about my dad dying as he slowed down.

My dad sensed the end was near. So did I. It broke my heart knowing that he was slipping away. I found comfort knowing that his pain and suffering would be over.

You are a lady of great faith. You know that an angel will be with him as he transitions into his next life. Then he will be looking over you. I know that my dad is watching me and sending me his love.

One day you will join him and rejoice in seeing him.

I wish you peace. Your father will live in your heart forever, just as my daddy lives in mine.
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Ballen1012 Oct 2020
Thank you for you encouragement... I am so sorry at the loss of your daddy.
I do find peace knowing he will be in victory... That his pain will be gone for eternity and that I will be with him again someday.

It is the process of watching him decline that has my heart so broken... I see a strong man, making the decision to take on his 4th child at 57 years old, when he should have been thinking about retirement....
But he loved me so much, that he continued to work, till his legs gave out on him... He even started using a scooter to get around at work... And then as a teenager, I realized... He was coming home early because he was using the restroom on himself... He was so embarrassed, but he kept trying...
Finally one day, he had no option... He had to resign and retire....
My mother and I, appreciate him so much... We told him over and over that if he needed to retire earlier he could have... But he refused... He loves his family so much... We love him... It broke our hearts to see him, struggle... And now its even worse.
My Daddy is definitely my hero!
He Always will be!
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Ballen 1012, I keep coming back to see how you're doing and my heart breaks every time. Your Father is a very lucky man to have you. Your love for him is so obvious, it makes me smile and cry for you. With my Father's passing only two months ago, my emotions are still very raw. So it's hard to read your words and not sob. I do appreciate reading how your words could be mine....but I never said them. My Father and I had a special bond but not verbally. If we got emotional it meant things were serious and neither of us wanted to face that. Your very mature for your age and I admire you. Please keep us updated and keep on being you! ❤
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Ballen1012 Oct 2020
I am so sorry for the loss of your Father.
It is very easy for me to sit down with my daddy and laugh, talk and sometimes even cry...
But the moment, he starts reminding me that he may not make it to a certain time... It just breaks me apart. I am a very emotional person... Especially when it comes to my parents.

Seeing him this way, has to be the hardest thing I have ever faced...
God Will see me through.

I will continue to keep you in my prayers.
I appreciate your support and prayers for myself and my family.

May God Bless you!
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