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My Dad is 82 years old. He can not walk and for the the past few months, he dosen't even have enough energy to help stand himself up to get in a wheel chair.
He has a home health care aide, every day. Also my mother is a licensed medical assistant, she is still mobile and able to care for him as well. I check on him and visit with him almost every day of the week.
But lately, he has just changed in demeanor... He looks at me with concern in his eyes, he holds my hand and talks to me like he is never going to see me again. He has always told me how proud he is of me, but now he squeezes my hand and acts like he can't tell me enough before I leave. He makes comments like "If I'm here that long."
He is beginning to throw up his food...
He has COPD, he is always wheezing (wet sounds), worse after a breathing treatment.
It breaks my heart to see him this way.


He has had multiple hospital stays over the past 6-7 years... but last year we almost lost him. He had a severe infection... It hit him and the situation immediately escalated. The doctors could not believe that it attacked him so harshly so quickly. He almost died. He would hallucinate, go in to a deep sleep, he didn't know where he was... He told us that he talked to his Father (deceased for many years) and he told him that he would be ok.


But the Good Lord, let me keep him thus far. He knows that I need him.


During that Hospital stay, my mother and I were told that my father has sun downers as well.. So now we have been facing that too. I have noticed it getting worse at times.


I know he is tired... Something seems different... I cry just looking in to his eyes.. they look glossy and exhausted. This man worked till he was crippled and forced to retire, so he could raise me and take care of me. I love my daddy so much. I can't handle conversing on the death topic with him, and my mother is in denial. He sleeps all day and all she can say is "He didn't get enough sleep last night."


But his home health care aide is telling me "He constantly naps all day now."


Anyone have an opinion or information...


My heart is breaking, and I just need to know if his demeanor being this way is a sign, that my daddy could be slipping from me.

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I went through this very thing with my father, tho he wasn't ill.. More he was just exhausted. A good life, early 90s and my Mom had more and more trouble getting him up, getting him to eat. One long morning I lay in bed with him and he told me he was so ready to go, wanted peace, wanted only to sleep and rest. Has had a wonderful life and was "trying" for my Mom, had been for years, but longed for rest and peace. We talked about love, about life, about the single things we did we disappointed ourselves having done. I let him know I was strong, had learned what I needed, would be OK, would never forget him. And I never ever will and feel him with me throughout my life. So many memories. They DO get tired and want peace. Unimaginable to us living, but as a nurse I saw it over and over. Your Dad sees the end coming, I think may long for it. Let him speak honestly with you and reassure him you will be OK, will grieve and cry, but that he will stay safe with you, and has given you what you need. This you do for HIM for all he has done for YOU.
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Ballen1012 Oct 18, 2020
Thank you so much.
I am trying to come to terms with what is coming... It is hard, but I want the best for my dad. Whatever brings him peace.
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I think you would all benefit from that support that you would get from Hospice.
And your mom would get a lot of extra help and support as well as the supplies and equipment she needs to care for your dad.
You are a very lucky young lady. You have had a wonderful example of how parents should be. And you will pass that on to your child/children.
Now for the difficult question. Have you talked to your dad about your feelings and his feelings? Have you asked him why he is holding on to your hand longer. why he makes the comment.. "if I'm here that long",. Let him talk about what he is feeling.
Yes it is going to bring tears to both of you. But the conversation is important.
I think he needs to know that you and your mom are going to be alright. That you will take care of each other. And there might be things that he wants to plan .
And you will loose him.
It will hurt, a lot. But not forever. The hurt will change. It will go from a deep wound to a scar and that takes time.
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Ballen1012 Oct 19, 2020
Thank you so much.
He has actually done better talking to my mother about his plans.
But I will take your advice and see if he will open up to me about the comments he has been making. And see if he wants to talk about how he is feeling...
They are finishing up his will and final arrangements. I know my mother told me that he has been strict on getting that taken care of.
I am very emotional when it comes to my parents.... I just don't want to break down and scare him in any way... I dont want to make him nervous, with me sobbing.

Thank you so much for your response!!
God Bless You!
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I have no advice to give, just wanted to send some prayers. I remember knowing it was coming and the horrible pit in the stomach, lump in the throat it caused. I am sorry you're going thru this, but know you'll be okay. What may seem like an unbearable pain will lessen. I can honestly say, I never thought I would get passed my fathers death and of coarse, I haven't. I am, dealing much better than I would of ever dreamed. I hope the same for you. It sometimes helps to come back to the forums and try to help other ppl. It's a very lonely road you are on, know you aren't alone. Someone here will always walk with you....Stay Strong. ❤
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Ballen1012 Oct 18, 2020
Thank you so much. I appreciate you and everyone on this forum. It's hard because everyone around me, my age still has their parents in good health... Me being adopted and my parents being older, I'm 25 and all I can think of is... I need them longer.
I'm doing everything I can to show my dad, that I'm going to be ok. I have an amazing husband and we take care of each other. My daddy has done an amazing job at raising me, loving me unconditionally and always being there... and I know he will always be with me.
Its just hard to think that the world will continue to go on, without him. I can't see my world continue to spin. But I know it will.
Thank you for your support and response.
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I read your profile, and felt so sorry for your facing the death of the man who was your father, while you are so young. My parents lived to be much older, though a brother-in-law lost both his parents when he was about 30. It’s good that you have had such a loving relationship, but remember that it has made you a strong person who can and will cope on your own. Do not fear for the future, neither his nor yours. This is life for all of us.
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Ballen1012 Oct 18, 2020
You are a blessing. I appreciate your response!
I love my Daddy so very much. I'm just trying to wrap my mind around seeing my dad, who has been so strong while growing up, Now he is just... Withering away... He told me he is comfortable and happy with the care he receives... My mother and I are discussing hospice care, for extra support. My mother is beginning to tire herself. She is 73, but still very active and mobile. But I can tell she is beginning to slow down as well...

Thank you again for the support.
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I’m sorry you’re seeing this in your beloved dad. Our hospice nurses told us three main signs that the end is near are 1. losing the desire for food 2. sleeping most of the time, a deeper sleep than usual, and 3. lessening communication. There are also other things like discussing death that can happen, as well as physical signs. My dad knew months before he died that it was coming, often telling us it wasn’t going to be long. Though I dreaded it and never wanted to lose him, I also understood that his life had become too hard and he was truly tired of it. I told him I understood and it was okay to feel as he did. You don’t have to discuss death directly if you can’t do that. Just hold his hand and tell him you understand and that you’re proud of him. Consider hospice care, it was a big help for us, it doesn’t necessarily mean the end is imminent either. I wish you and your dad peace as you go through this
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Ballen1012 Oct 18, 2020
Thank you for your response! The information, support and well wishes are deeply appreciated.
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I saw that introspective change in both my sister and father.   They knew they were dying, and had thoughts they wanted to share before that happened.
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Ballen1012 Oct 18, 2020
Thank you... I am really beginning to notice these comments and requests from my dad as well...
Its very hard to keep composure when he is making these requests, because I am going to miss him so much. But I will make sure everything he asks for, gets Honored.

Thank you again,

God Bless
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Ballen, prepare your heart for anything.

You have been very blessed to have the relationship with your dad that you do. That is something that you will have to cherish until you see him in that day.

One thing that helps me is knowing that my dad will have no more suffering or pain. He will be young again and rooting me on as I finish my journey. May you find a similar peace knowing that this is just a short separation, not goodbye.

Great big warm hug!
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Ballen1012 1 hour ago
Thank you so much!
Our deep faith in Jesus and our eternal home, knowing he will be in victory... Will be what keeps me strong. Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement.
God Bless you.
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Dear "Ballen1012,"

Your words brought tears to my eyes and is heartbreaking and I know it is for you. It is very apparent how much you love your dad and how much he loves you. Most people don't like talking about death - in some ways I think it's because it makes it more "real" or as if talking about it will somehow make it happen.

He seems to know that his time is short and in his own way is conveying that to you by the way he looks at you, talks to you, by squeezing your hand and telling you how proud he is of you. I know how hard it is to see him this way. My father went very quickly after we found out he had Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer in 2004 - so quickly that even the hospice Case Manager was shocked and came on her day off when the nurse told her he would probably pass away that day which he did later that evening. He was the first parent I lost so I know exactly how distressing and surreal this is for you.

All I can say is to spend as much time with him as you can, be sure you've said all you want to say to him and as hard as it is try to reassure him that you and your mom will take care of one another.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers. May God provide you strength and comfort during this time. I send you a hug!
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Ballen1012 Oct 18, 2020
Thank you so much. I am very sorry for your loss.
I appreciate your support.
My Daddy is my hero, without him... Only God knows where I would have ended up in the system.
I hold him close to me, everytime I see him... I can't imagine going back to the home I was raised in, and not seeing him in his recliner.
Welcoming me home.
But someday, when its my time to go... I know I'll see him, standing again at the gates... Welcoming me home.

You have truly blessed me with your response.
Thank you! 🙏
May God Bless You!
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Ballen1012: I'm asking GOD to help you get through this most difficult of times. Prayers sent.
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Ballen1012 1 hour ago
Thank you so much! I definitely need the prayer. My heart just aches... I see him slipping from me, and I guess I'm just selfish. I want him with me... but I know he is tired... its just really hard...
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My mom seemed much as you’ve described your father. She was finishing her long journey and making things right before doing so. We didn’t understand it then, but do now. Even as tired as she was and in the pain she’d so long endured, she’d thank us each for being so special or for having been there for her when she needed us. She slept more, ate less, lost interest in activities she’d previously enjoyed. I now know she was transitioning. Mom began having trouble swallowing at times and would spit up foamy stuff. She aspirated and ended up with double pneumonia. As tough as it was for us to see her fading away (faraway look in her eyes) and constant fatigue, it was a bittersweet blessing when she passed. She was no longer trapped in a body and mind that had been failing her for quite awhile. I’m sorry you’re going through this- it’s so difficult. Be there for your dad, let him know how special he is to you, and be willing to let him “let go” when the time is right. He knows and will want and need your support. Prayers for you and your family🙏
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Ballen1012 1 hour ago
Thank you so much! Your response means a lot to me. I will definitely take your advice.
My daddy really means the world to me. I need him, but someday Heaven will need him more... and I could never ask him to stay and suffer.
I will let go... When the Lord calls him home. But I will most definitely mourn forever for him.

Thank you for the support! I appreciate you.
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