My father came from a family of origin that had no boundaries and would aggressively butt into their children's, grandchildren's, and great-grandchildren's lives. My father and I had a falling out because he made our relationship conditional on me caring for his parents and my mom's parents. These were sexist, verbally abusive, emotionally manipulative, grandparents from whom I kept a distance as I got older. My father became more progressive gender-wise as I grew up, but when the hands-on grandparent care started, he fell into his old family dynamics. My mom didn't intervene much because she wanted to save their marriage. My father's siblings are all divorced because that was the only way for their spouses to set boundaries with their in-laws. Then, in my 20s, my father would become uncomfortable with me wearing short track shorts and sports tanks (normal girl attire I grew up wearing). He said he was uncomfortable with women's bodies. And every time, I wore makeup or modest tanks or well-fitted work clothing, he would turn around and avoid eye contact. I felt betrayed because I came to trust him and saw him change his views on gender during my childhood, and then, he reverted to his old ways during the grandparent caregiving, when he was trying to accommodate them and make sure they lived out their years in peace. He would insist that I observe the religious mourning rituals for my grandparents, but I couldn't because they were either verbally abusive, never accepted me for who I was, or we just never had a relationship to begin with. I feel that my father neglected my needs. We gradually stopped talking over the years. My parents never met the new friends I made in my 20s, they weren't invited to my grad school graduation, they never met my husband, they weren't at my wedding, and they never met my kids. I've been in therapy for years, and finally accepted it. I spent most of my 20s after the estrangement being angry, but then I accepted it. I focused on the ways that I survived without my parents and family, instead of on the anger. And I learned to accept the pain, I guess when your parents die, it lessons but there's always a twinge of sadness on holidays. I realize that my parents were limited people who did the best they could. After the estrangement, there were times I didn't have enough to eat or didn't have a bed to sleep on, but I survived by myself, on my own. I learned to build a life for myself. I have a successful career, a great house, a wonderful husband who treats me like an equal, and a son (12) and daughter (11) whom I am raising in an equal way. We live about 30 minutes away, but I've never seen my parents in years. I've been teaching both my son and daughter how to cook and do some minor fixing around the house. Both are really into sports. I've taught my son to respect women. I've taught my daughter to be proud of her gender and body. We have a childless elderly couple living next door that have served as surrogate grandparents, and my friends have been great aunts and uncles. My husband's family is close-knit, and my kids are a part of their lives. I think my dad saw some photos on a social media account I have and found my phone number online this summer. He said he wants to meet his grandchildren before his death (he's in his early 70s, Mom in her 60s). He asked that I please dress modestly without tank tops and makeup. He also asked that my daughter not wear shorts above the knee and the sports tank tops that girls her age wear. There are no restrictions on my son's clothing. My dad told me that my grandparents are now dead, and he wants to keep the past in the past but not discuss it. He's seen his brother who's in his 80s spend his last years alone because he never re-married (caregiving consumed him). Dad doesn't want to die alone, and he said it would make him feel happy if I helped him with mowing the lawn and gardening. This brought back painful memories.
Choices have consequences and I don't think your children need to be subjected to someone who is already judging them without ever meeting them. No good would come of this for your family. Protect them at all costs from this situation.
If your parents are having trouble with yardwork, they may also have trouble with keeping up their home. It might be better to suggest that they move into a smaller place, like a condo, where they don't have to care for the grounds.
You made a life without abuse, had therapy, are married with a family of your own. You did well.
If you cannot live with "NO", putting all doubts out of your mind when they pop up, please do not take your children to see them. They may never forget the cruel judgment, and the feelings you have worked through in therapy, and accepted, that says you never quite measured up.
You don't have to revisit painful memories. You can revisit therapy to reinforce your "NO".
"NO" is a very short word. Don't make me come back and ask you "What is it about "NO" that you just don't understand? It was your "NO", a very good decision.
Coming from our family to yours...we said "NO" and meant it.
We support your decision based on what you wrote here.
You also do not need to excuse them with the old "they did the best they could." Obviously, they did not. An effort to do the best one can includes questioning the way you grew up and wondering if you can improve on it. They did not do that and apparently felt no need to do so. You are the proof that a person does not need to repeat the mistakes of your parents and their lack of child-rearing skills. You chose to see and understand your parents shortcomings and improve for yourself and your children. It sounds like your father has learned very, very little. If you expose your children to him he will simply hurt them as he hurt you. Tell him no more phone calls. If he had called you with an apology when you were still in your 20's and an earnest effort to do better, that would have been different. I see nothing but grief if you go along with any of his requests.
I am still wondering if there is a lot of religious pressure going on that you don’t know about. Would it be worthwhile to see the head honcho of whatever religious sect is involved? Or if you have a religious belief yourself, involved your own pastor and see if they can both go head to head? Breaking up a family is not a great idea for most religious leaders (as opposed to cult leaders).
I’ve just read a book about growing up in the Scientology hierarchy, and I’m prepared to believe almost anything at the moment!
What do you think my advice is? What would you say to you?
You have gotten lots of good advice already and support concerning your desire to remain no-contact with your dad. I don't blame you BTW.
I just want to share something that might apply to your situation. My grandmother had my mother "out of wedlock" back when it was a shameful thing, and my mother's father remained out of the picture. She never knew him growing up but at some point as an adult she located him and met with him one time. She had no desire to start or have a relationship, she just wanted to meet him.
I tell you this because my mom has always been very private about the matter so much so that I don't know a single thing about him, not even his name. My mom totally dismissed her children's desire as we got older to know who is the guy that is our grandfather. She considered it HER private business, and case closed.
IF you decide to keep your children from meeting your parents, perhaps consider making/keeping a record of sorts so that one day IF they ever decide they want to know more about him/them you will have something to share with them. It's hard to just have this void in place of where a close relative should be. If nothing else for family health history.
Good luck, and congrats on creating a great life for yourself despite the (justified) estrangement from your parents.
Please pray an honest and sincere prayer and ask God for deliverance for peace.
Please keep me posted.
Thanks so much and be blessed.
Honoring your parents does not mean being abused and just accepting it.
When we grow up we leave our mother and father and become one with our spouse, we are no longer subject to our parents. Our spouse becomes our head.
These kids are in middle school, which is such an emotionally precarious stage. When they’re teens they may be ready to have input into this situation. When they’re young adults they can decide for themselves.
The father says he wants to meet the children and they must comply with his expectations. It will make him happy if she would come and perform tasks he could pay strangers to do.
Sounds like a bully who wants to exert his influence, not like a lonely man who’s interested in getting to know his progeny as the people they are.
Yes, we’re only hearing one side, and it’s possible the grandfather doesn’t have the social skills to express himself. But I’m inclined to go with a mother’s gut feelings on this.
If she chooses to try to reconcile, she can demand that her father respect her autonomy as an adult and parent.
She’s also within her rights to say no.