A few years before he died, my father spoke to me about his estate and eventual death. He made a few specific points
1. He did not want any kind of funeral, and certainly not a Catholic one. He didn't want any obituary printed in the paper. He was to be cremated and buried. We assumed it was because he was not religious at all (even though his family was Catholic), and had ex-girlfriends he didn't want showing up to the ceremony. He reiterated this a couple times in the following months, and made me promise I wouldn't give him a funeral.
2. He told me his trust was to be split up 4 ways upon death (his 3 children and his girlfriend would be the heirs). The portfolio was to be liquidated (turned into cash --and it is like 5 million+) and distributed to the heirs upon estate settlement.
After he died last week, my sister-in-law announced that there will be a large (and expensive) Catholic funeral that will be open to the public (obituary in several newspapers, etc.). One of my father's girlfriends, whom a number of people in the family despises (she stole hundreds of thousands of dollars from him when he was suffering from dementia, among other things) is invited to the funeral, and will be in the front row. I expressed disagreement with this, but my sister-in-law told me to "get over it".
My sister, who is the executer of the estate, wants to hold on to the investments in my father's portfolio until estate settlement, and then distribute the stocks, bonds, etc. in kind to the heirs. She says she can do this as it is a better idea than liquidation and distributing cash.
So I have a sister and SIL directly going against the wishes of my father. The SIL claims he had a "come to Jesus" moment on his death bed and agreed to a funeral. I wasn't there and never saw it. While he was alive, my dad was dismissive, if not hostile, towards religion.
Should I even show up to this funeral? Am I overreacting here?
I would enlist the counsel of an attorney. It sounds like SIL is making claims that she has no proof for. She can say that her FIL suddenly changed his mind about a funeral but unless he wrote something down, what proof is there he actually said it? “Come to Jesus” to me doesn’t mean the wish for a big, Catholic funeral,
Are sister and sister in law in “cahoots”? If sister has financial power, it sounds like she is not following Dad’s direction or wishes and that’s why you need an attorney. I’m certain Dad’s direction in his will did not say to his daughter, “My will is just a suggestion. Do what you want.” It also sounds like, from what the ex-girlfriend did, Dad may not been thinking clearly when it came to females and his finances.
Get an attorney, explain what’s going on and see if they can help.
Since the trust documents are not specific when it comes to the funeral, or even the exact way the estate is to be settled, they are using the ambiguity to engage in their own agendas. When I try to explain to them what dad wanted (since I was closest to him, and saw him every other weekend), they won't listen.
It would probably be wise to talk to a Trust and Estate attorney to protect your rights under the Trust. They can also keep pressure on the Trustee to ensure the trust is administered correctly and pursuant to the terms of the Trust.
Does it specify how much everyone gets?
Most trusts specifically say how it is to be distributed after the inheritance taxes are paid, keeping the stock will not bypass taxes.
If no, you need to engage an attorney and find out how this works. I am sure once it hits probate if all parties are not in agreement the only ones that will win will be the attorneys.
Unfortunately when it is not written down it is really hard to get it implemented. He told me is considered hearsay and is always excluded from legal decisions, however, deathbed testimony is not. Nonsense I know.
I am sorry that this is out of your control and for your loss.
I would not go missing at this point, it will give them ammo, bear through it and get his estate settled, then make the decision if you are done with these people.
If your dad wrote his preferences for disposition of his body in a will or other legal document, you might be able to at least arrange it so that his remains do not attend the funeral. If he didn't, it's up to his next of kin to decide. (Just saying- sister the in law isn't exactly on the top of that list.)
But I don't think you can prevent someone from putting an obituary in the paper or having a Mass for a dead relative and inviting whoever they like. These rituals really are for the people who survive and it sounds like your SIL wants to make a big "respectful" show of sending him off- whether it reflects any actual respect for him and his beliefs or not. It's for other people to say "Didn't they do a nice job with their dad's funeral?" I don't believe his deathbed conversion story, do you?
My advice to you is to really think how you want to celebrate your dad's life and mark his passing and do that. If the church/Trixie the Temptress/ and watching a bunch of crocodile tears are not what you want to do, I would not go. Your SIL will get over it.
And YOU did not give him a funeral so you kept your promise to him. I'm very sorry for your loss.
Yes, you should attend the funeral but you don't need to attend the luncheon.
You are in pain and surely feel cut down and out. But this will pass, and it seems there are two choices: let it go, or get an attorney.
If they plan to spend dad's money for this celebration of death, there might be a way to stop it. If dad didn't leave a will registered in the court house, seems to me and attorney looking things over would be the best course and worth the cost, since plenty of money is at stake. Lawyers don't come cheap, but for multi-millions of dollars, it could be worth it to have representation. The probate court can do only their job, which is being sure probate rules are followed.
Dad is dead, so he won't care about the funeral, but if his estate is to pay for it, and there's something in the will to make the law care, you might want to have legal representation. Then and later.....
However, the Silas should show up at his father's funeral, as to not be there would be a sign of disrespect for his father, and probably of satisfaction to his sisters.
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Like you, Arleeda, I know what I want. My family is far away and no reason for them to show up for a corpse.
Your funeral home will arrange for the headstone work and will bury your ashes, too.
Your church family is your home family and if you write your service, it should be done your way. If it's not, you will be beyond caring. So plan on..........
Don't worry about the estate. As executor, your sister will be obliged by law to follow the directions of the will; and anything your father didn't put in his will, even if he discussed possibilities with you that aren't in it, your father can't have been especially anxious about.
As to the funeral... you must please yourself. If you feel truly affronted on your father's behalf, it might be better not to go. But bearing in mind that funerals are for the living and not the dead, if there are other family members whose feelings you care about then you might be of real help as a source of support and an example of dignity.
I once - under extreme provocation, in my defence - was driven to tell my sister in law that if she did not leave my house I would attack her. (She left. My knuckles are unbroken). So I am a fine one to ask; but what dealings will you have to have in future with someone who saw fit to tell you to "get over" your misgivings about your own father's funeral?
Given the decisions S & SIL have already made, presumably within legal bounds. All you can decide is what you're going to do, which doesn't include changing it without legal proof ir documents.
Mat you find peace somewhere in the drama.
You are NOT overreacting here - you are hurting and confused.
Whether you go to the funeral or not is entirely up to you.
RE: While he was alive, my dad was dismissive, if not hostile, towards religion.
My sweet Ray lost his faith when he lost his baby back in 1953, she was less than a year old. He couldn't accept a God who would take a baby from him.
The day he was passing, his first wife came for him, his older brother came for him and from the way he was looking all over the ceiling, I would say a host of people showed up to welcome him home. Just FYI, he said, "I know you, you're my first wife" and he called his brother by name. I pray your father too was met and welcomed home.
My father was of the Jewish faith - and I know for fact he saw my mother - she came for him just before he passed. I will always remember the joy I saw on his face when he saw her - he passed minutes later.
In the end, whether to go or not go might be decided at the last second, while standing in front of the funeral facility. That's where the rubber meets the road, as my kids used to say.
It will work itself out and from the sound of it, there will be such a large group there, no one will miss you, unless a viper makes a point of telling on you.
Sometimes we focus our energies on details when we want to avoid pain. I believe this may be what is happening right now. Losing a parent, especially when you are close, is devastating. It shakes us to the core at so many levels. Our own mortality comes to question. We are, after all, next in line. Sometimes we must take that grief a "bite at a time" It is just too much to accept all at once.
Take deep breathes, long showers (great place to cry btw) and don't over complicate this. Your dad is gone. A small funeral or a big, showy Catholic funeral with all the bells and whistles is not going to really affect your dad. You were there for him, that is what is important. If you feel keeping your word to him is necessary, refrain from attending. But, most importantly, take care of yourself. It is what he would want. I'm sorry for your loss.
Even if it’s not legally binding, a notarized document (authored by Dad) tucked in with Dad’s POA/DNR/will/5 Wishes would have sent an unequivocal statement to the immediate family.
As for the trust, the parameters of disbursement can be written into the trust paperwork. For whatever reason, your father did not do that.
You are stuck with word-against-word during a highly emotional time. And it sucks.
I’m not attacking. Just applying the exhausting, miserable (and at times, insulting) lessons I learned from my own journey with elders who talked out of both sides of their mouth.
Who assigned fiscal/legal responsibility to a certain family member for “political reasons,” but expressed different wishes to the trusted(?) confidant..... the softie..... the listener.
Who perhaps thought they were flattering the “chore-minder” relatives(s) by using words that were magically (?) supposed to supersede what the elder already legally committed to according to.
Good intentions or not, the end result is clashing expectations — that surface at a highly emotional time.
I wish you peace, Silas.
You are not alone in your frustration.
Over the past 5 years, the elders in my life set off so much “wouldda-couldda-shouldda” with their decisions AND their non-decisions. It was an end I never saw coming. More than once.
For many of us, our inheritance includes memories that are colored by hypocrisy.
It’s very difficult to reset from an experience like this. Be kind to yourself. (((big hugs)))
Jane
If your father wanted his wishes followed regarding a funeral he should have made you executor instead of your sister. But he did not, so perhaps you should just accept what is and act accordingly.
Ann, I fully understand your thoughts on siblings (and even grandchildren) who refused to visit the loved one while they were living. My adult children will tell anyone what a delight it was to really know their grandparents in their healthy days and in their aging, and dying days! They never used the excuse, "I want to remember them like I knew them in the past." Every stage of life is good (even when it's hard). My children were so loving and my parents responded so well to their kindness and attention. We have no regrets for spending time with my parents (or friends, or elderly loved ones) who were dying. I know there are times when this is impossible to do, but I also know that many people choose not to visit those who are in their latter days. Sadly, they're the losers, and so is their loved one who truly wanted at least a visit from their child, grandchild, relative, or friend.
Go to the funeral. Be civil. Be kind. Smile and be gracious. Nothing to be gained from being otherwise. Take the high road.
But your dad should have spoken to his executor about it too.
If I were you I would just go along, to get along. You have no choice because you have no way to enforce his wishes he did not express to his executor as well.
No need for lavish funerals. If your hands are tied, then just let him go peacefully and make peace with that. All the best.
An obituary is a news item, not a eulogy. As your father was well known in his community, it is an important record. It is also a chance to list the causes and charities he may have favored.
Otherwise I agree with your statement.
When the money gets distributed, do the same. I had 4 aunts and uncles- totally divided the family. Never to speak again. Their mother told one kid this,another on that and when she died THE FIGHT STARTED AT THE WAKE and after they all got their lawyers, the estate was gobbled up, and they ended up splitting $ 13K. after a 3 year battle....which should have been about 280K to split in the beginning.
Maintain your composer and dignity, keep your dads memories close to your heart, because they are between HIM AND YOU, thats one thing no one can control. I know you must just want to scream, but your dads gone, move into the phase of missing him, loving him and still respect him. There are 2 roads for a reason, take the higher road. Im sorry you lost your dad, take care of yourself. Best.
As for your other question - funerals are for the living. It's sad when the wishes of the deceased aren't followed, but sometimes they're not fair nor reasonable. I had an uncle who wanted no obituary, no funeral, no viewing, no burial. His children considered his wishes along with their need to grieve and had a handful of family members at the funeral home and we held a 'do-it-yourself- style remembrance before he was cremated. Sounds like your family wants something more elaborate and that doesn't match what your dad told you about his wishes. You don't know what he told your sister. Choosing not to go to the funeral would not be honoring your dad, it would be spiting your sister. Is that what your dad would want?
So is it worth your time to find out if you were "screwed" or you weren't due anything at all. One way or another, you may feel screwed again or you can get your just desserts taking them to Court.
Get an attorney NOW, you have a right to see the Will. If your sibling is not following his directives she is committing fraud and looking for financial gain.
No one can change a Will to benefit themself or anyone else. Not liquidating the stocks is not her right to do if your Dad stated they are to be liquidated.
The attorney will petition the Court to restrict all accounts and property. You will then go to Court to force your sister to do EXACTLY what Dad wanted. IF Dad stated in his Will that he did not want a funeral, she has already illegaly changed it. NOT GOOD FOR HER. This will be part of the action presented to the Court. Your attorney can request a Representative be appointed NOW and/or remove your sister if she is the Representative.
As for not caring for the trophy girlfriends and what siblings are doing, you will be showing them that YOU ARE DOING WHAT DAD WANTED and too bad so sad. They're not going to like you, but it appears they don't any way. Take CONTROL for Dad, NOT FOR YOU, for Dad.
My Mom is still alive, but suffers from Alzheimer's. I'm Guardian/conservator. I have step-siblings I'm basically going thu part of this right now. Like you, the oldest step-sister "stole" close to $70.000 from Mom. Mom has the money, their Dad (I love him so much) is a meek/humble man. Never really had a penny to his name so to speak. His kids know, having found financial statements in the house, how much my Mom is worth. Let's get what we can as soon as we can! I'm meeting with her attorney/my attorney to "discuss" monatary issue i.e. money she took illegally phase 1, $30.000. She doesn't want Dad to pay 50% of bills i.e. utilities because Dad does not own the house with Mom. AZ is a total Community Property State and debts are based on the Spanish marriage Laws. I've researched as far back as the 1800s he's responsible because he is Mom's spouse. I believe that my step-sister has been informed about her fraudulent actions because the 1st of a few Pow Wows I'm sure will will happen next week. She is college educated but she doesn't have the banking background I have and learned over 38+ yrs, as well as having my spouse who is Sr Chief Compliance bank officer as a go to regarding bank regulations/law. Yes, I'm and will fight for my Mom and that includes with both step-siblings right now and my siblings later.
Your can show your disdain for issues you're facing now in many ways. You don't need to verbalize, they'll get the picture especially taking them to Court for your Dad.
Do attend Your Fathers Funeral but skip the big splash meal and drinks afterwards.
Many other posts seem to assume there is no will or "trust" which documents Dad's instructions? Why? If the sister is named executrix, and by some means obviously knows what Dad wanted (" She says she can do this as it is a better idea than liquidation and distributing cash") there may very well be a will expressing last wishes and arrangements? Unless there is a legal challenge, who would insist Dad's wishes be followed? As far as why sister was chosen to be executrix, it's possible her affect toward her father reflected her plans for the future (estate) more than sincere affection and agreement with his own plans. Is she paying the huge expenses of the unwanted funeral from her own inheritance? Hah!