My mother is almost unable to walk and having cognitive issues and my father has dementia and falls often. I have 3 children and a husband. We just bought our first house. My older brother who has been living with them for 2 years has decided he can't deal with them anymore and is moving out leaving them alone. He is 63, I am 45. They are unable to care for themselves, my father can no longer drive. I used to live 5 minutes away from them and now since my brother assured me he would take care of them, we have moved 3 hours away. My mother does not want to move here with me and my family, she does not want to let go of her independence and her home. When I think I have convinced her to she changes her mind over and over again.
There is no other way, my other brother died 5 years ago from cancer and has caused her severe depression and cognitive decline that is rapid. She can no longer prepare meals, or set up my dads pills in the pill box. I have no other relatives that can help me or are even alive. What's worse is they don't speak English very well, my mother is very hard of hearing, my father has heart problems and suffers from vertigo. They are very stubborn and determined to do things for themselves but can't. I know this will be a life changing event for my husband and I. They can't afford a senior living facility or any kind of care. My husband is very understanding and positive, I am deeply concerned and worried for them.
I know it is my responsibility to care for them but I also know it is going to be very difficult for all of us to adapt to this change. Can anyone give me some advice? I have started to prepare a room for them in my home, it is my younger daughters room she is moving into a room upstairs for now until we can afford to maybe extend our home and build an add on for them. They refuse to write a will or talk about what their last wishes are, I don't have any type of power of attorney or any guardianship or anything to help them due to their refusal. I love them to death and respect them. Any advice would help and would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
They are old and sick, they need to be placed in a home where that can get the 24/7 care they need. They can apply for Medicaid, sell their home and use the proceeds to fund their self pay until Medicaid steps in. There are options for their care, start investigating them, don't make assumptions, learn the facts and what can be done.
You have no idea what you are in for, banish this thought from your mind, think with your head not your heart, your heart is not designed to think logically.
Your brother has waved the red flag in your face, he cannot deal with them, pay attention to this important sign.
Your children and your husband are your priority, they will suffer if your parents move in with you, not to mention you will lose your life entirely, hefty price to pay when their are alternative options available.
By your own description, ANY arrangement that you attempt to make for them in your own home CANNOT provide the SAFETY, AVAILABILITY OF MEDICAL SERVICES, and 24/7 monitoring and supervision that you already know they require.
Seen in this perspective you MUST consider THEIR VERY PRESSING NEEDS as the loving and devoted ADULT daughter you are.
Acknowledge to yourself that there is NO ONE who can offer them the degree of care they deserve and need except trained full time providers, and acknowledge further that their situations will NOT IMPROVE as time moves forward, so their need for secure structured care in an appropriate environment WILL NOT DECREASE.
If as appears to be the case, both of your parents are presently or will soon become SERIOUS FALL RISKS, envision your ability to respond to a catastrophic incident within your present situation.
If their individual mental statuses do indicate dementia/cognitive deterioration, your parents are losing their right to refuse. This aspect was by far the most difficult for me to accept. As their respectful, loving child YOU MUST STEP IN and determine your legal rights in assuming and managing their care.
Many of us here have lived this. Some of us have lived it with multiple dependent loved ones. It takes the courage of a lion and the strength and tenacity of a pack mule.
Do the research. If questions occur as you are beginning to find alternatives (YES, there ARE ALTERNATIVES) ask them here.
Sending hugs and hopes. Most of us here know how badly you will need them.
Moving them out of their home, what to them is their safe place, and into your home will not be like it was on The Waltons TV show. Read on this forum the testimony of others as to the reality of what it will be like.
Listen to the WHY your brother can’t do it alone anymore. Work with him on a plan on how you can work together to help your parents. If your parents refuse to set up the legal way for your assistance, then neither you nor he have any more legal authority than me or the other posters on this forum.
Please please please, heed all the advice from others who have been where you are now.
This is what the Doctor told me to say. This Doctor was from a culture where adult children are totally expected to care for their elders. The family work together as a group for the whole family. In my case, she saw it as the very stubborn members were not working together for the group - they were being selfish. Not passing authority down to the next generation when required was not OK in her culture. Parents must help their adult children & grandchildren - not become burdens taking care away from the grandchildren's upbringing. Does this make sense to you?
What you are proposing is an epic disaster waiting to happen. You want to completely destroy the life you and your kids/husband have because your parents are too stubborn to realize they need help. All so they can have the illusion of independence! You need to realize your brother was right, this is more than a one person job.
Your kids need you know but once your parents move in you will never be able to devote one uninterrupted minute to them. Forget any intimacy with your husband. You will have no privacy whatsoever. You will not have a full night's sleep ever again. You will be constantly cleaning up after them, jumping every time they snap a finger and never meeting their high standards.
What you need to do is let them stay where they are and wait for a trip to the ER....at that point you tell the hospital staff that they cannot return home as it is UNSAFE...and no you can't take them in either. The hospital will help you place them.
You can't be responsible for your parents happiness. They refuse to even let you help them plan for their declining years...except for you giving up your life for them.
Please reconsider.
You might be thinking to yourself that they can't possibly live much longer but you'd be surprised at how many nonagenarians are in the local community, my own mother was reasonably healthy at their age and lived until she was 99; frail, wheelchair bound, confused and absolutely as dependent as a newborn child. I never imagined I'd find myself doing what I did - bathing, toileting and dealing with incontinence, spoon feeding, lifting her, as well as dealing with her increasing confusion, never able to even sleep through the night in order to attend to her needs and constantly under stress.
Do they own their home? Will your brother remain there or will it be empty? Who will pay for its upkeep? Without POA you will not be able to sell it. You will have responsibility but no authority. This will make your life 10 times more complicated than it already will be and I would not go forward without having authority. Are you intimately involved in their finances? Do you know exactly their income, bills, savings, insurance, cash flow? Are you on their checking account? Will they agree to that? Have you talked about the money? Assuming they are on SS and/or pension will they be paying you rent? Or for caregiving? If they will be paying you, there needs to be a formal caregiver document written up, in case they need Medicaid later on. You’re taking on 2 more mouths to feed and 24/7 caregiving. How will you ever leave the house to shop or run the kids around with 2 fall prone seniors? Will you be able to bring in hourly sitters or aids to help you?
Your brother has burned out from 2 years of caregiving “In Their Own Home”. This is a monumental change to bring them to yours with their existing frailties. Dad has dementia. It doesn’t get better and consistent routine and surroundings plays a huge part in his ability to function. Does he wander? How will you guard against him trying to leave to get “home”?
I commend you and your husband for trying to help them, but this plan just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. Depending on your plan for their current house, and your brothers plan, could you think about staying there a few days a week, with your brother taking the rest of the days? Could they sell the house and move together into a care facility? You say they have no money. Would they be eligible for long-term Medicaid? Have you talked to an elder care attorney? They don’t want to move, and if they won’t help in any way by talking to an attorney, giving you POA, sharing their plan, then you are fighting a losing battle.
Sorry this is so long winded and rambling. It’s the middle of the night and I can’t sleep since my dog is in the vet hospital and I’m so worried about him and trying to get tired enough to go to sleep.
Dementia patients make a mess that you cannot imagine, especially if they go through a phase of pulling off their diaper (many do this). They also CAN get angry and violent, and wander off.
WHEN is your brother moving out? Before he does so, he needs to contact his local elder services and hand your parents over to their supervision. Stay out of this, except perhaps to help your brother find out how your parents' situation can be managed safely and responsibly.
You love your parents and you respect their wishes, and I appreciate that. But that does not make it possible for you to handle an impossible situation; what's more, your parents have consistently refused to give you any authority to do it. So respect that choice of theirs too, and leave it to professionals who know what they're doing.
This is a really hard thing to do, but if they are that obstinate, there's really not much you can do other than filing for guardianship for each of them claiming with a doctor's diagnosis that they are each no longer competent to conduct their own business in a business like manner. In other words, you would have them declared incompetent by a court decision. That's expensive, but it would give you full authority to place them were they need to be to be cared for and be safe plus you and your family would be safe and cared for.
Did you speak to your brother about why he can no longer care for them? Listen to what he has to say. He has been with them for awhile and it became too much.
It only becomes worse. It will not get any better. How old are your children? Children require so much attention. So do the elderly. Seems like you are biting off more than you can chew.
Your parents already told you that they don’t wish to move in with your family.
Call Council on Aging. They can give you guidance. They will set up an assessment for your parents. You can be present for this and see exactly what they say.
You can also speak to a social worker to see what programs your parents will qualify for. Low income elderly can qualify for Medicaid that will allow placement in nursing homes. Select a home near your home if you wish to visit often. Do you want to drive for over three hours to see them in a facility? Probably not if you are planning on helping them adjust to their new residence.
They cannot be left alone. Your brother has done all he can. He is exhausted so don’t be upset with him. He needs a break and to return to his life. By the same token you do not have to take on this responsibility just because he is no longer willing to do so.
It doesn’t matter where your parents want to be. If you are taking on this responsibility of making the arrangements then you get to select what works best for you.
Are you currently working? If you are who will be with your parents? Please don’t place this responsibility on your children. Allow them to be grandchildren, not caregivers. I don’t care if they are teenagers that could do it. Many young people have been on this site with heartbreaking stories of caring for elderly grandparents.
As I said, please think very carefully about this. I would not do it. You love them. They need proper care. You will be providing that by helping to select a suitable place for them to live.
I wish you well. I know this is hard. Hugs!
If they don't want this... look at adult senior living in your neighborhood, and tour them, some will give you free lunches with the tour...make a fun day of it even if you know they cannot afford it. make sure it's close to home 20 minute drive etc... keep them close, and talk with them to their financial advisers. see what is affordable.. If it's not affordable... then tag your home is their home, and let them know that.llll
It's hard.. VERY HARD... lots of adjustments on you, your family and your parents. It's not fun... but everyone has to be somewhat on board.
Okay... this is not what you are asking... but cremation is much more affordable the burials... Seriously... do your homework.. my dad said cremation.. I don't want to talk about that.. but it was easy..I have a graveyard down the street.. $10K...for a funeral or more...
Here is a link to Area Agency on Aging where you can find the info for your parents County and your County on what services they might be eligible for.
Call their County and ask them to come for an assessment of your parents needs. Whether they stay there or not, you will know what services are available to them in the State of Florida and what level of care they need. Do not tell the AAA you are taking them to your home. Let them evaluate them knowing they will remain in their home. They could possibly get more help than your brother was providing.
You don’t say if you also live in Florida but you can find a number for your area as well.
https://areaagencyonaging.org/
In my opinion you would be better off to travel back and forth to check in on them than bringing them where they don’t want to go. You may think you can’t do that due to your responsibilities as a mom. I suspect it would be easier on your family for you to be gone a couple of nights a week than for them to move in. I know what I’m talking about on a three hour drive. I did it for years. I don’t think it’s smart but I couldn’t do to my family or my parents what you are getting ready to do. If you think it will be easy on your parents I think you are wrong.
Any move they make will advance their issues. They are resistant. You don’t have legal authorization to make decisions for them. They are frail but they are familiar with their home. If they were easy to care for, your brother might not be burned out but two years is a long time with difficult parents. They have communication issues.
What was your plan for their home? Is your brother planning to stay there? If you got him help, came often yourself to help, he might be willing to look in on them.
I’m sorry you are in this difficult situation. I know you love your parents but moving them in with you is not the only way you can care for them.
As others have correctly pointed out, you absolutely need durable PoA for them and signed HIPAA waivers. Their resistance is already making their care far more difficult than it needs to be. You need to calmly explain to them the laws here and what will happen if they don't give you legal authority to help them. I wish you much wisdom in your decision.
A POA on the other hand is a necessity for you to be able to provide care.
Do they own their own house? What are they doing with that? That changes the entire will dynamic. If they do and they don't want to set up a trust, they should at least file a TOD.
= NO MOVING IN.
This is caregiving error #1: thinking love is enough & #2: taking on responsibility without authority.
I have had 4 Doctors now tell me NOT to EVER do this. (I had fallen into it but have since got myself out).
Tme for a good sit down honest talk with your parents now - BEFORE they get one step into your house. What are their expectations? Does that match what you can give? What outside help is available? What happens if you can't continue?
Have the talk because you love them - to help make proper sustainable plans for their future.
If you are set on doing this, you must keep in mind do do everything with love, and with God. you will need much prayer. Always treat them the way you would want someone to treat you, even if they do not act as if they appreciate it. Losing independance for anyone is not a pleasant thing and some act out, or are angry, or say hurtful things. So you must be prepared for emotions of your parents that you as their daughter will feel.
You must be extremely patient which hurts at times but, with much practice and prayer gets stronger.
You must be merciful. Understanding as well this is not their ideal situation.
Your husband maybe understanding, but when you become a caregiver the dynamics of your marriage and relationship change. You must make sure and keep him at the top of your priority list and then the children and then your parents.
I totally understand that you love your parents and want to help them. Me too.
I will tell you from experience that watching your parents decline, is heartbreaking.
I will tell you this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life.
I will tell you that I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.
I have many lovely memories that we created right here.
I get tried daily and I fail daily, but if I am blessed with another day, I try to do better.
I will tell you I could not and cannot do this without God.
God has taught me so much in the caregiving journey, he has shown me mercy and to be merciful, he has given me patience that is strengthened daily, he has shown me love and taught me to love well.
I have been blessed with this strength and wisdom that I never would have had, if I were not in this situation.
Be sure to obtain Power of Attorney for both parents. be sure to find them Dr.s and know what personal supplies they need and where you will get them. Be sure and Bring some personal items to have in their room. And be sure to never make them feel you are doing them a favor, but that you are blessed to be a part of their lives.
And Be sure to keep this site at your finger tips. For answers and moral support and encouragement.
I will pray for you and your family. May God bless you and guide you.
I second selling their house to fund a facility for them.
You need to have a needs assessment done on your parents to determine what help they need. Perhaps they are eligible for care? You will not know until you get a needs assessment done.
Do not make your daughter give up her room. That is not fair to her, period.
Who is going to provide 24/7 care for them? Yes, they will need 24/7 care, especially your Dad.
Has Mum had a cognitive assessment done? What is stopping her from preparing meals and Dad's medications?
Thank goodness you have an extended time line to sort through everything, but I worry that you have bitten off too much to chew and have blinders on to other care options.