My elderly parents are moving in with me in March of 2020. What can I do now to prepare? They are 90 and 91.

MARY 13 has said
ELDERLY PARENTS ARE NOT MOVING IN!!!

NOT
NOT moving in.....

39 years ago, my husband and I were building a 4 bedroom home. My loving mother suggested we put the master bedroom on the first floor, which we did (unheard of back then.) My MIL ranted over this idea. (We would never hear the kids upstairs. An outrageous idea.) Move forward 39 years when my MIL, after my FIL passed, wanted to move in with us because we “had the master bedroom on the first floor.” At first we considered this request but eventually denied it because: 1) She demanded this simply because she had babysat for her grandchildren years ago. 2) She was relentlessly demanding, and I knew that wasn’t going to stop. 3) She constantly said bad things about my husband, and I knew that wasn’t going to stop. 4) She had outlived her financial resources where there were no loner monies to pay for her care. 5) And most important, she had become verbally and one time physically abusive.

This can happen when your parents get older and set in their ways. When they EXPECT you give into their demands simply because they are your parents. If they are living in your house, this will become an impossible situation for you.

Please rethink taking them in. Talk to your brother and come up with a more feasible plan. My MIL became so impossible to deal with we had to have her placed. She was as mad as a hornet, but it was the only thing that worked. Talk to your brother.

They are Stuborn, It seems Bu tat Least should maske you POA, Insist if they want to Live with you, Tell Them This. Explain it is really going to Needed. You will not have your life as you want It, However, Find out about Meals on Wheels, Too, To Help Take some of the Burden. Make sure you also Focus on YOU.xx

I agree with 99.9% percent of the answers below.

My question is - what does one do when it is a husband and not a parent?

For some reason, it seems to be so much more difficult to tell a spouse they need to move in to some type of a facility - while the well spouse continues to live in the family home and tries to make a normal life for them self.

After so many years, it has just gotten too hard and I'm too angry to go on much longer. I've seen my years slip away to the point I don't know what normal is anymore.

I understand your need to honor your parents and care for them. My sister in law was taking care of my husbands aging parents but couldn’t do it anymore. My husband felt responsible for taking care of them. Your spouse and children will not say no to you if you ask them to let your parents live with you? However after 10 yrs of caring for my husbands parents. Children missing out and growing up? No social life any more or friends for that matter? If we had to do it again I would have said no.
what I would suggest and is a better solution for everyone is to Contact the local agency for aging near your parents home. They will send out a nurse to assess your parents needs and make arrangements for them. You and or your brother will need to be present during the assessments. The agency for aging specifically provide services for those who fall within a specific financial level. Sounds like you parents will qualify as my husbands parents did. They will provide in home care and if they need more care they will arrange for that and also honor your parents wishes. my husbands parents no longer qualify because we have done such a good job of managing their finances :( Good luck from a very exhausted husband and wife who are still providing care.

Mary: Thank goodness that you've had a change of heart.

Check with their doctor(s) to see if they have declared them "mentally incompetent". If not, you might be able to get them to set up wills, power of attorney for financial decisions and medical health decisions... An lawyer who specializes in elder law can help with this.

Check if your state has a medicad program where you can get paid to take care of them in there home and uou also could hire someone for nights paid by medicad. Its called the freedom program in NY. Check with your church and if your dad is a veteran call the VA in your state.

Hooray for Mary changing her mind 👏🏼 👏🏼 👏🏼!!!!!!!!
🤸🏼‍♂️💃🕺

I see that you have had a change of heart. I hope you find a good/better solution. Taking on this herculean task (two actually) would be overwhelming! My kids are grown and on their own. I have two brothers, but the bulk of caring for her needs before we could move her, finding a place, organizing the move (I left it to them to do the actual move), doing a lot of the clean up, clear out and either repairing small things or hiring help to get the condo sold and being the focal point for the sale took a huge toll on me (the place is about 1.5 hrs from my home and just the condo issues sucked up over a year and a half of my time.) I spent so much time there I began to hate the place!

Even though we moved mom to a Memory Care place, where all the hands-on care is provided, all the rest still falls on my plate. Managing finances (we put her funds and house sale money into a trust for her), paying her bills, managing meds and OTC supplies, setting up appointments and taking her there (recently had to stop being the transport - she refuses to stand/walk and I can't support her weight!), keeping track of it all and taking all calls/emails from the facility about whatever has happened recently is almost like having a full-time job sometimes! There is a lot more involved than just having them nearby and providing food, laundry, etc. A LOT more. I cannot even imagine how much harder this all would have been if she were living with me (BTW, I have a 20+ yo cat who has developed what is essentially kitty dementia - cats sleep 16+ hours a day and those times that she gets agitated, looping from bench to table to monitor table to my lap, to her chair, often stumbling/nearly falling and/or knocking things over/down, and repeat, or staring at the wall, door or litter box and yowling drives me nuts! Most mid-stage with dementia don't sleep as much as cats (maybe later), so it would be MUCH worse, going on most of the day!!! Although she still uses the litter box regularly, sometimes her butt isn't quite inside, so yes, I have to clean up aisle 2 as well!!!)

I have often commented that if I was still working when all this happened (and continues - she's 96 going on 2), despite being "single" with no kids to care for it would have been even more overwhelming! It was yet another reason I was thankful they laid me off!

I do hope you can find a good EC atty to assist you who can discuss options with you. Take care of you and your family so that you can advocate for and visit with mom and dad for many years to come!

Note to future posters.

Mary13 has changed her mind about her parents moving in with her.

She said this in response to disgustedtoo on Dec 20, 2019

We have not heard anything beyond that.

I can't tell you how many times I feel the necessity to take of my mom and still do, but she is in a assistance living facility-

Legal paperwork for your Parents- DPOA , Trust. a necessity..., eventually I had the experience of obtaining guardianship- (my mom still doesnt know)
Your parents should be involved make as many decisions as possible with guidance of professionals
Professionals (doctors, social workers, assistant living individuals) will assist with help with your one - BUT you have to let go...and your parents will look up to the professionals and listen to them more than yourself- devastating yes-but reality does hurt -oh boy does it ever..
Find an assistant living for the both of them, or have
your brother find a place, that is suitable-
Extremely HARD yes & emotional- Do want to do this.... NO... but think of what is best for them not what 'you' think should be done - it is a roller coaster.... day by day.......some hour by hour..
and there certainly is not any book to teach us what to do with our loved ones...its heart breaking....

Lvnsm1826
Replied 5 minutes ago
68 answers
My elderly parents are moving in with me in March of 2020. What can I do now to prepare? They are 90 and 91.
"Message found In the response thread from Rocketcat."

I can't even find this answer from Lvnsm1826 on her own profile page. This reply thing is getting really annoying.

Privacy Privacy Privacy can't be stressed enough for this elderly couple. make sure your home has private bathroom , bedroom and even a tv den space for them. If you don't have this, you will intrude on your family space and their lives. They need to know you are there for them when they NEED you. They need to know they are still independent in your home. Don't insist on family dinners unless they want this, maybe a once a week special day like Sunday dinners. I am a RN having dealt w/ elderly and dementia for many years, including my own parents. Happy Holidays, enjoy and try to stay upbeat w/ your parents. They need positivities, not negatives.

It is very difficult for old-school parents to give up their independence. I hope that you can convince them that the American way is to have a will, and a living will that describes how they want their medical care to be and end of life decisions, and also assigning POA for financial and medical decisions. If they don't, they can become wards of the State if they are incapacitated or if people perceive them to be neglecting their own well-being and they could lose everything. You will need an attorney to help, as there are assets (a house). You are very generous and loving, and so is your family, to offer to have them in your own home. If you can't convince them that this is their best solution, now that your brother can no longer care for them there is not much that you can do. Perhaps they will change their minds after caring for themselves for a short while after your brother leaves. Try to visit them at least once a month, although I know it will be difficult as you have responsibilities for your own family.

You are making the biggest mistake you will make in your life. You will lose yourself and everyone you love if you do this. I know this is not positive information but it is the truth. My mom is 90 I have had her 31/2 years, I no longer have a life. I can’t go anywhere if she makes up her mind not to go. My husband and I like to go out for dinner, we can’t. I have no one to stay with her for me to leave her. I wouldn’t wish this life on my worst enemy. You need to really think about what you are signing up for.

Do not do this, you will regret it, my Mother moved in 29 years ago, at that time she was independent to a degree. But as time went on she became more and more dependent on us. Now she is totally dependent on me she can only feed herself and sleep. I do love her, but I feel like I’m caregiver to a stranger, she no longer knows who I am, or my daughters.
Louie body dementia, does a number on a family. The part that is the worst is I cannot leave her alone, because she will fall. I must bring her everywhere I go, and watch her constantly on s baby monitor. This means if I’m invited to whatever I cannot go, doctors appointments must be on a day my husband is home.
So so if you are prepared to hand over your life go for it.

You are a wonderful daughter for your parents, but before doing anything, be a wonderful person to yourself, husband and children, by checking out EVERY possibly before moving them in. Often one thinks there is no other way, due to income etc, but there are services in every location that can advise you and give you help. Leave no stone unturned in finding out what is available. Start making phone calls right away and be informed. Wishing you the best.

Talk with your 63 year old brother to find out exactly what the problems were. You need to do this before you take on the care of your parents. I don't think you are prepared at all for what will be expected of you in caring for them.

I praise you that you are ready to "rise to the occasion," but I fear for your sanity and your marriage. The best advice you can get is from your brother who took care of them for 2 years.

Make the POA a deal breaker.

It’s hard on everyone. Kids don’t really understand the disruption of their life either. I had to move my mom down to where we lived until I found a apartment for her. She expects so much of our time now. She still wants all her things even tho there is no room for them and some stuff she hadn’t used in 10 years. I knew it was going to be rough. I still was not prepared for the stress and drain on my body. It wears thin. When they live with you it can effect your sleep also. Make sure to get a power of attorney on both and a medical power of attorney. It will help you.

By deciding to move your parents in with you, I honestly don’t think you have a real understanding what you’re getting yourself into. And, trust me, it WILL have an affect on your kids and your relationship with your husband. It’s inevitable.

Have you tried In Home Support Services (IHSS) they will come and asses the situation at your parents home and evaluate them each for a number of hours monthly ( they do need to meet a need and low income). But they will help with everything thing from doctors appointments to light cleaning laundry help with meds, grocery shopping etc. Then there’s meals on wheels to make sure they are getting at least one cooked meal a day. Alt least try this before you move them.

What you are describing is a very difficult decision. Does your town have a Division of Aging or Aging Matters? Check with a Senior Center who may guide you to the appropriate agency. Do this BEFORE you move your parents to your home. While it is partially your responsibility to make sure your parents are well-cared for, it is not your responsibility to do it personally in your home.

This is a huge step. You are young with a young family. Both your parents sound as if they will require a great deal of assistance and supervision. At the very least, you need in-house help coming in which may be converted by Medicare. But assisted living or a nursing home may be more appropriate. I won’t lie and say this, too, won’t be an adjustment and time-consuming. But I would really think Scott making my family move out of their rooms AND share personal space with your parents.

i speak from experience... but I shared a home with my parents for 20 years. We all have our own personal space and have had for years. My mom passed several years ago. My dad lives at home but requires supervision as he falls. His health habits are gross, he does not stay on a routine, he has become increasingly dependent on us as he can’t drive and has mobility issues. He’s unhappy, we’re stressed, and I think we both feel stuck... and we shared a household for many years.

i would thoroughly research options. You sound like a responsible daughter. However, taking in all the caregiving is something that you really need to discuss with an agency or counselor versed in giving care to the elderly.

This is not a good idea

Wow Mary, you have your plate full. Not sure where to begin. It will be very hard to live around them as your brother discovered. This will only get wore and possibly put a strain on your own family.. Did they leave a home? if so, you may want to consider having a live in caregiver(s). Often living quarters can be traded for a good portion of pay. In the meantime, try to find a non profit or pro bono lawyer if possible to address the legal things you mention. Unfortunately,a lot of your issues as with everyone boils down to money. Well, here are some hints you may want to look at;

https://www.elderlawanswers.com/how-to-prepare-when-elderly-parents-move-in-with-adult-children-5446https://www.elderlawanswers.com/how-to-prepare-when-elderly-parents-move-in-with-adult-children-5446https://www.elderlawanswers.com/how-to-prepare-when-elderly-parents-move-in-with-adult-children-5446

You truly are thinking you are doing the best thing and this is the only option available to you. But as you can see from reading all these responses..it is not the only option.
love of one's parents does not trump all and solve everything. You can not go into,this thinking that if you just fix up your home and provide a bedroom for them things wills work out.
my dad moved into a facility near me, first IL, then AL, and now LTC. I was retired, no children at home, and it was still hard and stressful as things went south.
add the fact that you are a young mom with kids at home and possibly working?? You’ve not a clue what life is going to be like and my dear, it WILL all fall on you. This is called the "sandwich generation". Rethink this and find other options. You are responsible TO but not FOR your parents. That is the bottom line. Pull off the blinders and make different plans.

Keep working at getting the power of attorney.
If, indeed, they do move in you will need help. At the very least carve out some respite time for you once a week. You will burn out quickly. Find volunteers or find a way to pay a caregiver to come in so you can a break. As much as you love them you will need it.

Seek our caregiver support groups or agencies that can help you through this.

Bless you for what you are about to do. It’s going to be tough. It’s going to take a village.
I don’t mean to sound heartless. I speak from experience and I loved my folks so much.

Good luck and accept any help anyone can give you!

You should call the state aging agency to report self neglect to get them involved. Work with them to get a court ordered guardian...Or, petition to be their guardian and take them to an assisted living facility (the guardian handles their finances for them when they are unable to care for themselves). I would not invite them into your home with 3 children. How will you be able to handle it all, especially if they are resistant to help?

So glad you have heeded all the great advice given here.

Regardless of whether your parents get their paperwork in order, there is way too much other complicated situations going on here for you to consider moving your elderly parents into your home.

Your household would be irrevocably damaged if you took them in. They need waaay too much care.

Your poor brother is burnt out and this should be a huge signal to you that this is not doable.

You will figure out how to help them without ruining your marriage or your relationship with your children.