My elderly parents are moving in with me in March of 2020. What can I do now to prepare? They are 90 and 91.

By deciding to move your parents in with you, I honestly don’t think you have a real understanding what you’re getting yourself into. And, trust me, it WILL have an affect on your kids and your relationship with your husband. It’s inevitable.

It’s hard on everyone. Kids don’t really understand the disruption of their life either. I had to move my mom down to where we lived until I found a apartment for her. She expects so much of our time now. She still wants all her things even tho there is no room for them and some stuff she hadn’t used in 10 years. I knew it was going to be rough. I still was not prepared for the stress and drain on my body. It wears thin. When they live with you it can effect your sleep also. Make sure to get a power of attorney on both and a medical power of attorney. It will help you.

Make the POA a deal breaker.

Talk with your 63 year old brother to find out exactly what the problems were. You need to do this before you take on the care of your parents. I don't think you are prepared at all for what will be expected of you in caring for them.

I praise you that you are ready to "rise to the occasion," but I fear for your sanity and your marriage. The best advice you can get is from your brother who took care of them for 2 years.

You are a wonderful daughter for your parents, but before doing anything, be a wonderful person to yourself, husband and children, by checking out EVERY possibly before moving them in. Often one thinks there is no other way, due to income etc, but there are services in every location that can advise you and give you help. Leave no stone unturned in finding out what is available. Start making phone calls right away and be informed. Wishing you the best.

Do not do this, you will regret it, my Mother moved in 29 years ago, at that time she was independent to a degree. But as time went on she became more and more dependent on us. Now she is totally dependent on me she can only feed herself and sleep. I do love her, but I feel like I’m caregiver to a stranger, she no longer knows who I am, or my daughters.
Louie body dementia, does a number on a family. The part that is the worst is I cannot leave her alone, because she will fall. I must bring her everywhere I go, and watch her constantly on s baby monitor. This means if I’m invited to whatever I cannot go, doctors appointments must be on a day my husband is home.
So so if you are prepared to hand over your life go for it.

You are making the biggest mistake you will make in your life. You will lose yourself and everyone you love if you do this. I know this is not positive information but it is the truth. My mom is 90 I have had her 31/2 years, I no longer have a life. I can’t go anywhere if she makes up her mind not to go. My husband and I like to go out for dinner, we can’t. I have no one to stay with her for me to leave her. I wouldn’t wish this life on my worst enemy. You need to really think about what you are signing up for.

It is very difficult for old-school parents to give up their independence. I hope that you can convince them that the American way is to have a will, and a living will that describes how they want their medical care to be and end of life decisions, and also assigning POA for financial and medical decisions. If they don't, they can become wards of the State if they are incapacitated or if people perceive them to be neglecting their own well-being and they could lose everything. You will need an attorney to help, as there are assets (a house). You are very generous and loving, and so is your family, to offer to have them in your own home. If you can't convince them that this is their best solution, now that your brother can no longer care for them there is not much that you can do. Perhaps they will change their minds after caring for themselves for a short while after your brother leaves. Try to visit them at least once a month, although I know it will be difficult as you have responsibilities for your own family.

Privacy Privacy Privacy can't be stressed enough for this elderly couple. make sure your home has private bathroom , bedroom and even a tv den space for them. If you don't have this, you will intrude on your family space and their lives. They need to know you are there for them when they NEED you. They need to know they are still independent in your home. Don't insist on family dinners unless they want this, maybe a once a week special day like Sunday dinners. I am a RN having dealt w/ elderly and dementia for many years, including my own parents. Happy Holidays, enjoy and try to stay upbeat w/ your parents. They need positivities, not negatives.

Lvnsm1826
Replied 5 minutes ago
68 answers
My elderly parents are moving in with me in March of 2020. What can I do now to prepare? They are 90 and 91.
"Message found In the response thread from Rocketcat."

I can't even find this answer from Lvnsm1826 on her own profile page. This reply thing is getting really annoying.

I can't tell you how many times I feel the necessity to take of my mom and still do, but she is in a assistance living facility-

Legal paperwork for your Parents- DPOA , Trust. a necessity..., eventually I had the experience of obtaining guardianship- (my mom still doesnt know)
Your parents should be involved make as many decisions as possible with guidance of professionals
Professionals (doctors, social workers, assistant living individuals) will assist with help with your one - BUT you have to let go...and your parents will look up to the professionals and listen to them more than yourself- devastating yes-but reality does hurt -oh boy does it ever..
Find an assistant living for the both of them, or have
your brother find a place, that is suitable-
Extremely HARD yes & emotional- Do want to do this.... NO... but think of what is best for them not what 'you' think should be done - it is a roller coaster.... day by day.......some hour by hour..
and there certainly is not any book to teach us what to do with our loved ones...its heart breaking....

Note to future posters.

Mary13 has changed her mind about her parents moving in with her.

She said this in response to disgustedtoo on Dec 20, 2019

We have not heard anything beyond that.

I see that you have had a change of heart. I hope you find a good/better solution. Taking on this herculean task (two actually) would be overwhelming! My kids are grown and on their own. I have two brothers, but the bulk of caring for her needs before we could move her, finding a place, organizing the move (I left it to them to do the actual move), doing a lot of the clean up, clear out and either repairing small things or hiring help to get the condo sold and being the focal point for the sale took a huge toll on me (the place is about 1.5 hrs from my home and just the condo issues sucked up over a year and a half of my time.) I spent so much time there I began to hate the place!

Even though we moved mom to a Memory Care place, where all the hands-on care is provided, all the rest still falls on my plate. Managing finances (we put her funds and house sale money into a trust for her), paying her bills, managing meds and OTC supplies, setting up appointments and taking her there (recently had to stop being the transport - she refuses to stand/walk and I can't support her weight!), keeping track of it all and taking all calls/emails from the facility about whatever has happened recently is almost like having a full-time job sometimes! There is a lot more involved than just having them nearby and providing food, laundry, etc. A LOT more. I cannot even imagine how much harder this all would have been if she were living with me (BTW, I have a 20+ yo cat who has developed what is essentially kitty dementia - cats sleep 16+ hours a day and those times that she gets agitated, looping from bench to table to monitor table to my lap, to her chair, often stumbling/nearly falling and/or knocking things over/down, and repeat, or staring at the wall, door or litter box and yowling drives me nuts! Most mid-stage with dementia don't sleep as much as cats (maybe later), so it would be MUCH worse, going on most of the day!!! Although she still uses the litter box regularly, sometimes her butt isn't quite inside, so yes, I have to clean up aisle 2 as well!!!)

I have often commented that if I was still working when all this happened (and continues - she's 96 going on 2), despite being "single" with no kids to care for it would have been even more overwhelming! It was yet another reason I was thankful they laid me off!

I do hope you can find a good EC atty to assist you who can discuss options with you. Take care of you and your family so that you can advocate for and visit with mom and dad for many years to come!

Hooray for Mary changing her mind 👏🏼 👏🏼 👏🏼!!!!!!!!
🤸🏼‍♂️💃🕺

Check if your state has a medicad program where you can get paid to take care of them in there home and uou also could hire someone for nights paid by medicad. Its called the freedom program in NY. Check with your church and if your dad is a veteran call the VA in your state.

Check with their doctor(s) to see if they have declared them "mentally incompetent". If not, you might be able to get them to set up wills, power of attorney for financial decisions and medical health decisions... An lawyer who specializes in elder law can help with this.

Mary: Thank goodness that you've had a change of heart.

I understand your need to honor your parents and care for them. My sister in law was taking care of my husbands aging parents but couldn’t do it anymore. My husband felt responsible for taking care of them. Your spouse and children will not say no to you if you ask them to let your parents live with you? However after 10 yrs of caring for my husbands parents. Children missing out and growing up? No social life any more or friends for that matter? If we had to do it again I would have said no.
what I would suggest and is a better solution for everyone is to Contact the local agency for aging near your parents home. They will send out a nurse to assess your parents needs and make arrangements for them. You and or your brother will need to be present during the assessments. The agency for aging specifically provide services for those who fall within a specific financial level. Sounds like you parents will qualify as my husbands parents did. They will provide in home care and if they need more care they will arrange for that and also honor your parents wishes. my husbands parents no longer qualify because we have done such a good job of managing their finances :( Good luck from a very exhausted husband and wife who are still providing care.

I agree with 99.9% percent of the answers below.

My question is - what does one do when it is a husband and not a parent?

For some reason, it seems to be so much more difficult to tell a spouse they need to move in to some type of a facility - while the well spouse continues to live in the family home and tries to make a normal life for them self.

After so many years, it has just gotten too hard and I'm too angry to go on much longer. I've seen my years slip away to the point I don't know what normal is anymore.

They are Stuborn, It seems Bu tat Least should maske you POA, Insist if they want to Live with you, Tell Them This. Explain it is really going to Needed. You will not have your life as you want It, However, Find out about Meals on Wheels, Too, To Help Take some of the Burden. Make sure you also Focus on YOU.xx

39 years ago, my husband and I were building a 4 bedroom home. My loving mother suggested we put the master bedroom on the first floor, which we did (unheard of back then.) My MIL ranted over this idea. (We would never hear the kids upstairs. An outrageous idea.) Move forward 39 years when my MIL, after my FIL passed, wanted to move in with us because we “had the master bedroom on the first floor.” At first we considered this request but eventually denied it because: 1) She demanded this simply because she had babysat for her grandchildren years ago. 2) She was relentlessly demanding, and I knew that wasn’t going to stop. 3) She constantly said bad things about my husband, and I knew that wasn’t going to stop. 4) She had outlived her financial resources where there were no loner monies to pay for her care. 5) And most important, she had become verbally and one time physically abusive.

This can happen when your parents get older and set in their ways. When they EXPECT you give into their demands simply because they are your parents. If they are living in your house, this will become an impossible situation for you.

Please rethink taking them in. Talk to your brother and come up with a more feasible plan. My MIL became so impossible to deal with we had to have her placed. She was as mad as a hornet, but it was the only thing that worked. Talk to your brother.

MARY 13 has said
ELDERLY PARENTS ARE NOT MOVING IN!!!

NOT
NOT moving in.....