No medical issues? Any other issues? Could she be depressed? I'm not really in favor of just letting her sleep all day. If she's not depressed, staying in bed all day will make you depressed or just bored out of your gourd. If she is dying or otherwise really declining, then I'd let her sleep. But if she could live for many more years, this sounds like a recipe for her to end up not ABLE to get up and do things as she will get weaker and weaker from inactivity. The less you do, the less you can do.
My mom is only 76 and has early vascular dementia that is definitely escalating (of course). She does have bad arthritis...but...she is depressed. She lost her license 2 years ago, and now that covid has started to calm I am back to full time work. She was used to me at home (we live in same building, different apartments), and us going for long drives, hanging out, etc. She was more active going to church. But, as her memory issues escalated, the church member who drove her to daily mass became frustrated at her being late or missing rides, and I think she was acting more "odd" which is hard for folks to understand. So now I just take her on Sunday. She rarely puts on TV as she struggles with remote (got her a simpler one, but still a bit confused), and so because we have no other support she is DEEPLY lonely and depressed, bored, tired tired tired. Now, as folks age they deserve the right to nap...but my mom is starting to do the same thing which is just sleep, and she FEELS tired, but I think is more down than anything. I'm going to try again to get her into adult daycare (she's resistant) to get her stimulus. When she has projects and we are busy together she is much more up and about. But the problem is I just don't have the time now. If there is no medical reasoning and she is sleeping at night, and she has not escalated to a point of shutting down, it may be depression and body/mind fatigue from that. See if her doctor would consider something like sertraline. See if projects help. It's hard to see our loved ones failing.
SouthieBella, cwillie, gave you some good insight. I'll help you out, too. I'm reviewing what everybody wrote first.
I want to say that it's incorrect to just let your mom lay in bed all day. That's a recipe for weakening her body and her mind. The brain is highly involved in walking and walking is a very complex set of actions involving ears, eyes, speculation, reasoning, touch, coordination, balance, .... you get the picture. If you want a dementia patient to go downhill, fast, put them in bed and leave them in bed and never allow them out of bed, and they will lose not only the ability to even stand or walk, but the mental capacities that go along with that, plus loss of muscle and bone mass.
It is important to distinguish between allowing somebody to rest, and not allowing them out of bed. These courses of action are by no means the same thing.
I wouldn't force it. They feel it is better than the alternative - facing the world. And if she is sleeping, then the world for her is too much for her mind right now. I would address the reason rsther than the symptoms. Are there good reasons to get up? She needs good reasons to get up. Food is a good motivator. Good smells. People. And similarly are there reasons not to get up? People? Nothing interesting? She may also have issues she is not comfortable mentioning. Be a safe and loving place for her to express these issues. A good start may be bringing the world to her. Talking, breakfast in bed (but sit up to eat it). God bless!
Have two perspectives on this. 1. My 91 yr old sister suffers from dementia and is quite deaf. She sleeps all night and takes 3-4 hour naps twice a day. At 86 she moved to an AL where she did well. Activities were well suited to her intellect and interests. Bridge, book club, quality movies and exercises. It was close to where she had been living so she continued having visits from old friends. Just as the pandemic hit her son and daughter-in-law moved her to a memory care unit. Like so many others, my sister suddenly lost all the activities and friends she enjoyed. Today life is opening up, but she is surrounded by folks with even worse dementia. She sleeps a lot. Amazingly she has no physical problems. Literally takes no medications. Could she be suffering with depression? My vote is probably. But I live a four hour jet flight away and that’s an avenue her son will have to pursue. I visit her twice a year - not enough time to have say over her care. I have no reason to hope for a return to past interests or friends. Long story short, I see no reason to “force” more activity. The facility she lives in has nothing to offer her. 2. The other perspective is mine. I’m 82, in relatively good health and a life long introvert. I live in a NON-senior, dog friendly apartment complex. No organized activities. No meals. I’ve made friends and love watching kids play and dogs all over the place. Perfect for me. While I made need “care” at some point, I honestly dread the regimented living that communal living requires. (Meals at certain times, activities like bingo). My kids and some friends feel as tho I should “do” more socially. But I’m happier with my simple life than at any time ever. BOTTOM LINE: Base care arrangement decisions not on what others may like/need, but what best suits your loved one. I’m so lucky to have grown children who agree with me on this.
Your second perspective is me! I’m 82, introverted and prefer my own company most times. I have my cat and still able to do some yard work. I’ve had times when I wanted to sleep a lot, but recognized depression creeping in, so I found a project or something to divert my mind. Will be 83 next month and still moving on up!
This is the schedule that I keep my 95 yo mother on currently. She has no co-morbidities and has moderate to strong dementia depending on the day.
Mind you, she would nip and nap 24/7 but I can't tolerate that because I need to at least get some sleep at night.
If she doesn't get up by noon, I get her up and I bring her downstairs to her comfy chair at the kitchen table where she stays until around 6:00/6:30 pm.
While she's in the kitchen, she eats, I encourage hydration, and we take laps around the kitchen island if she's restless. We listen to music - currently Christmas carols. We walk to the bathroom, she gets her PT once/week, etc.
If she lies in the bed all day long, none of that happens with any regularity. She would lose more of what muscle she has left, she would be at risk for bed sores and upper respiratory issues. So far, she's in good shape.
She will usually spend about 2 hours complaining and asking to go to bed but I don't take her and eventually she stops. Interestingly, as we get closer to bedtime, the more content she is to stay up.
The hard part for me is that she carries on if I even so much as walk out of the room - like a child. So I'm pretty much chained to the kitchen area with her all afternoon, but it's a tradeoff.
I don't expect her to like it or to understand the reasons behind keeping her on this schedule because of the dementia. It's not easy but necessary.
Hi there, I’m having the same problem with my mom but she’s 84 and have some Dementia going on. Her reasoning is she’s bored and I believe she’s depressed but don’t want to get help. As long and she’s eating and bathing I would just be there for her and let her sleep insomnia to is an issue with the elderly population at night.
The majority here say to let her sleep but there can be huge consequences to that; the more she lies around the more muscle mass she loses, which leads to frailty and weakness, which leads to an inability to ambulate and an exponential increase in the amount of care she needs. I'm not saying you should be a sergeant major barking orders and marching her around the house for exercise, but I'd encourage her to follow normal daily routines - up in the morning, breakfast, meds, toileting, washing up, and then maybe a little nap - rather than staying in bed until noon (and beyond). And dozing in a comfortable chair in the afternoon rather than in bed allows you to clean up in her room and relieves those areas of the body that may be prone to pressure sores from too much bed time, it also allows her to be included in family routines rather than someone forgotten a separate area of the house.
My sister is 71 years old and is the queen of sleeping. this has been going on for years -- at first it was because she was a party girl, then came the auto accidents and the surgeries. Our mom made it her life's mission to enable her dependency on her and live vicariously through some of her 'friends' who traveled and were friendly with celebrities. She doesn't understand why she is not rebounding like she did in her 30's and 40's. After each hospitalization she does have in-home PT/Ot care but when it ends it ends -- her aide doesn't try to get her out of invalid mode because it is to her benefit. She's been assessed by hospital social workers as being of sound mind, so legally her PCP and I (along with the family) are in difficult position legally. If your mom is having incontinence issues I would suggest that you consider the Pure Wick external catherer system for nighttime. It is expensive but worth the expensive -- minimizes UTI's and linen changes. Medicare doesn't cover so we need to get our Congress people to push to get it covered - asap.
Of course have her assessed by her PCP for diagnostic illnesses and, prescribed care. After that keep her safe and, offer regular nourishment and hydration and, presence, encouragement with her; invite her to talk and perhaps stimulate this with looking at old photos or other things that she enjoys ( ed), or offer music of her choice etc. honor the patient wishes ( rights), if she refuses and chooses to sleep. Be sure the PCP evaluates her for depression and, / or other emotional/ psychological needs also that could contribute to sleeping more. Schedule her pastor or yours if you practice a faith to see both of you regularly for spiritual, faith based support and hope.
Practice good self care.....you and your health are important too ! Address any grief you may be experiencing as a loved ones illness and life changes does precipitate grief .
If hospital social workers have deemed her competent it will be an uphill battle to get her to agree to an outside assessment. The mental health questionaire given by PCP is so easy to fake to avoid being assessed for depression/anxiety/dementia etc
Leave her alone. It’s not your journey. After taking care of my mom alone for 2.5 years and after her last fall I can no longer take care of her and placed her in rehab. I have specific instructions to my future caretakers to not take care of me in their home. I pray I don’t live that long. It’s selfish for anyone to want their parents to stay alive when their quality of life is gone…she starting voicing wanting to die over a year ago…love them enough to make it as comfortable as possible but make the humane decision. Medical world want their $$$$ that’s it…their word for “care” is just that…it’s sickening.
My experience with my MIL leads me to believe there may be nothing you can do. She was very sick when she came to stay with us, so I understood her tiredness, but she complained of not being able to sleep at night. I reasoned that maybe it was because she was sleeping most of the day, so I tried to help her by suggesting things that would keep her awake during the day. Would she like to sit in a chair for awhile? No. Would she like to watch television or listen to music? No. Her grandkids asked to come and visit, she wasn't interested. I ran out of options and ideas. You might see what the medical personnel (doctor, nurse if she is on hospice, etc.) have to say about it. I guess if your mom isn't upset by this and wants to sleep, and the doctor isn't concerned, you should just let her. Maybe she is near the end.
No, do not force your mother to get up. Has your mother seen a doctor, and what is her age? Could be a dying stage or some other condition, such as not sleeping enough at night.
My mother in 2012: Sleeping more happened with my mother following a slight back injury at age 92. Some days, she never even got dressed, but she just managed to go from her bed to our couch as her comfort zone using her red rollator. At 93 in her first nursing home placement in CA, she slept more than half a day. When our family moved her up to OR State where she lived until age 95, Mom slept about 20 hours daily.
If this were me at age 87, I wouldn’t want anyone pushing and prodding and expecting me to be perky and go to lunch. I’d have lived my life, been a mother, grandmother, traveled enough, been a caregiver, and experienced all of life’s difficulties while working and saving for my old age. When I’m 87, maybe I’ll want to lie in bed as long as I like. Not talk about what I consider inane or stupid. Not be dragged around shopping or to entertainment venues where music is too loud and seating is uncomfortable and rest rooms uncertain and I’m served food with too much pepper in it. I’d want to wiggle my toes under the sheets, watch Jeopardy if I feel like it, and think about whether I want to answer the doorbell when it’s the Jehovah’s Witnesses again. I wouldn’t be interested in what the great grandkids are doing at camp, and I’d be bored when people wasted my precious time on the phone with gossip and idle chatter. Just sayin’. Leave her alone because her idea of how to spend her own time is the only idea that counts.
I remember thinking I could “force” my mother to eat and sleep while she was living with me, and I also remember feeling defeated and guilty when she didn’t respond to my forcing.
I now have come to believe that none of us really work that way, whether elderly or very young or any age in between.
Try “good mornings” of opening the curtains and a pleasantly jingling alarm clock (not too loud) maybe even the smell of coffee.
You’ve done your part. Let up a little on her AND yourself, get a check from her medical practitioner and make note of changes, if any.
I bet going back to Standard Time didn’t help either.
You say, "She started not getting out of bed in August, says she just doesn’t feel well and wants to sleep, she has been in hospital and rehab, we just moved her into my home so I could take care of her. She has started saying she thinks the end is near I just don’t know whether to just make her as comfortable as possible or push her to get up and move."
Leave the woman alone and please do not 'push her to get up and move', such a thing should not even be a consideration! Your mother is 87 years old, with obvious health issues that led her to the hospital AND rehab recently, and now she's tired and wants to sleep. Allow her to do that. It's a whole lot better than having her up and screaming at you all day long or ordering you around/complaining or carrying on like we see happening with SO MANY elders here on the forum.
It is not our job as daughters and mere mortals to determine when it's time for our mother's to pass; that's God's job. All we can do is try to make their lives as comfortable as humanly possible while they are alive and leave the rest in God's hands. The end may be indeed be near for your mother, nobody knows. You may want to speak to her PCP about a hospice evaluation now. Hospice can come in and see what they think about how long she has left to live. They can provide you and your mom with excellent services like bathing that will help you a lot. All of their meds and services and medical supplies *like a hospital bed/wheelchair* are free and billed directly to Medicare who pays 100% of their fees. An evaluation may give you a better idea of what's happening with mom's body right now.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
I strongly second CountryMouse's advice. If this is a new behavior, it merits a call to Mom's PCP, and sooner rather than later. Even if it's not new, so to speak, if it's never been discussed by mom with her doctor, you should bring it up at her next appointment.
Has she said why she's so tired? Is she not sleeping well at night? Is she bothered by/concerned about incontinence issues? My mom was terribly embarrassed to talk about her "leaking"; she was afraid to fall asleep at night, because she was afraid she wouldn't be able to get up to the bathroom "in time" if she tried to do so from a sound sleep. It led to her dozing off and on in her recliner all night, which led to her being tired, which led to her dozing off and on in her recliner all day, which made her not being tired at night, which led to her...well, you get the picture.
When she finally brought it up to me, we were able to take "precautions" (ie. Depends, chux pads, etc.) but, unfortunately by that time she had set up the pattern of never wanting to go to bed. Then her CHF became bad enough that she was actually more comfortable in her chair, so I just left it alone, especially as by that time she was in hospice, and I saw no reason to try and change that habit at that point.
As far as "forcing" her, I don't know that you can. If your mom is anything like mine was, the more I "nagged" her to "get up, move around, do your exercises!', etc. the less likely she was to do them. My husband was actually the one who was able to get her to move around, because he did a lot of the exercises with her, telling her it was good for his hips.
Or does mom maybe suffer from depression? That also can make someone sleepy all of the time. If that's the case, you might want to talk to her doctor about medication for that, or at the very least a recommendation/referral for a geriatric psychiatrist, who can prescribe medication to help.
She should consider talking with a doctor about mild antidepressant if she wishes to, but I will be honest with you. This was my Dad in his 90s at the end of his life. He had a good life and loved it, and he WANTED to let us know he was soooooo exhausted and just wanted to nap, and then get the big final nap. He tried for my Mom but he really was ready for the final rest, and this happens. I saw it happen with many patients in my nursing career and many told me their family just would not hear their honest feelings so they were left with telling me, a stranger. Mom may be ready for and longing for the end. Age is one loss after another after another and there is no upside coming. Listen to your Mom and talk with her honestly. My best out to you both.
Thank you for your response. We lost Dad 9 years ago and to be honest I feel mom died with him. She has never been the same since, no interest in family or life. She started not getting out of bed inAugust, says she just doesn’t feel well and wants to sleep, she has been in hospital and rehab, we just moved her into my home so I could take care of her. She has started saying she thinks the end is near I just don’t know whether to just make her as comfortable as possible or push her to get up and move.
Is she getting good sleep at night? What does she do when you "force her to get up"? Does she sit and watch TV? or can you get her out for a walk? Is there a Senior Center where she can partake in activities? Is there an Adult Day program that has structured activities? If there are no programs available can you get her to help with some things around the house? Like, wash and peel veggies for dinner. If it is safe can she cut up things for soup or stew? Can she make out your shopping list? Fold the laundry, hang some of the items on hangars. Pair socks. If all she does is sit and watch TV or even nap maybe sleeping is not such a bad option.
I should add that sleeping for longer time is a sign that Hospice looks for when looking for declines. Even with no medical conditions as the body gives out the energy is used to keep the heart pumping, the brain, kidneys, lungs and all other organs working. With all that work the body gets tired. This should be something you should discuss with her doctor particularly if this is a recent practice.
I want to say that it's incorrect to just let your mom lay in bed all day. That's a recipe for weakening her body and her mind. The brain is highly involved in walking and walking is a very complex set of actions involving ears, eyes, speculation, reasoning, touch, coordination, balance, .... you get the picture. If you want a dementia patient to go downhill, fast, put them in bed and leave them in bed and never allow them out of bed, and they will lose not only the ability to even stand or walk, but the mental capacities that go along with that, plus loss of muscle and bone mass.
It is important to distinguish between allowing somebody to rest, and not allowing them out of bed. These courses of action are by no means the same thing.
1. My 91 yr old sister suffers from dementia and is quite deaf. She sleeps all night and takes 3-4 hour naps twice a day. At 86 she moved to an AL where she did well. Activities were well suited to her intellect and interests. Bridge, book club, quality movies and exercises. It was close to where she had been living so she continued having visits from old friends. Just as the pandemic hit her son and daughter-in-law moved her to a memory care unit. Like so many others, my sister suddenly lost all the activities and friends she enjoyed.
Today life is opening up, but she is surrounded by folks with even worse dementia. She sleeps a lot. Amazingly she has no physical problems. Literally takes no medications. Could she be suffering with depression? My vote is probably. But I live a four hour jet flight away and that’s an avenue her son will have to pursue. I visit her twice a year - not enough time to have say over her care.
I have no reason to hope for a return to past interests or friends. Long story short, I see no reason to “force” more activity. The facility she lives in has nothing to offer her.
2. The other perspective is mine. I’m 82, in relatively good health and a life long introvert. I live in a NON-senior, dog friendly apartment complex. No organized activities. No meals. I’ve made friends and love watching kids play and dogs all over the place. Perfect for me. While I made need “care” at some point, I honestly dread the regimented living that communal living requires. (Meals at certain times, activities like bingo). My kids and some friends feel as tho I should “do” more socially. But I’m happier with my simple life than at any time ever.
BOTTOM LINE: Base care arrangement decisions not on what others may like/need, but what best suits your loved one. I’m so lucky to have grown children who agree with me on this.
Mind you, she would nip and nap 24/7 but I can't tolerate that because I need to at least get some sleep at night.
If she doesn't get up by noon, I get her up and I bring her downstairs to her comfy chair at the kitchen table where she stays until around 6:00/6:30 pm.
While she's in the kitchen, she eats, I encourage hydration, and we take laps around the kitchen island if she's restless. We listen to music - currently Christmas carols. We walk to the bathroom, she gets her PT once/week, etc.
If she lies in the bed all day long, none of that happens with any regularity. She would lose more of what muscle she has left, she would be at risk for bed sores and upper respiratory issues. So far, she's in good shape.
She will usually spend about 2 hours complaining and asking to go to bed but I don't take her and eventually she stops. Interestingly, as we get closer to bedtime, the more content she is to stay up.
The hard part for me is that she carries on if I even so much as walk out of the room - like a child. So I'm pretty much chained to the kitchen area with her all afternoon, but it's a tradeoff.
I don't expect her to like it or to understand the reasons behind keeping her on this schedule because of the dementia. It's not easy but necessary.
I'm not saying you should be a sergeant major barking orders and marching her around the house for exercise, but I'd encourage her to follow normal daily routines - up in the morning, breakfast, meds, toileting, washing up, and then maybe a little nap - rather than staying in bed until noon (and beyond). And dozing in a comfortable chair in the afternoon rather than in bed allows you to clean up in her room and relieves those areas of the body that may be prone to pressure sores from too much bed time, it also allows her to be included in family routines rather than someone forgotten a separate area of the house.
She doesn't understand why she is not rebounding like she did in her 30's and 40's. After each hospitalization she does have in-home PT/Ot care but when it ends it ends -- her aide doesn't try to get her out of invalid mode because it is to her benefit.
She's been assessed by hospital social workers as being of sound mind, so legally her PCP and I (along with the family) are in difficult position legally.
If your mom is having incontinence issues I would suggest that you consider the Pure Wick external catherer system for nighttime. It is expensive but worth the expensive -- minimizes UTI's and linen changes.
Medicare doesn't cover so we need to get our Congress people to push to get it covered - asap.
Be sure the PCP evaluates her for depression and, / or other emotional/ psychological needs also that could contribute to sleeping more.
Schedule her pastor or yours if you practice a faith to see both of you regularly for spiritual, faith based support and hope.
Practice good self care.....you and your health are important too !
Address any grief you may be experiencing as a loved ones illness and life changes does precipitate grief .
Best regards
My mother in 2012: Sleeping more happened with my mother following a slight back injury at age 92. Some days, she never even got dressed, but she just managed to go from her bed to our couch as her comfort zone using her red rollator. At 93 in her first nursing home placement in CA, she slept more than half a day. When our family moved her up to OR State where she lived until age 95, Mom slept about 20 hours daily.
I now have come to believe that none of us really work that way, whether elderly or very young or any age in between.
Try “good mornings” of opening the curtains and a pleasantly jingling alarm clock (not too loud) maybe even the smell of coffee.
You’ve done your part. Let up a little on her AND yourself, get a check from her medical practitioner and make note of changes, if any.
I bet going back to Standard Time didn’t help either.
Leave the woman alone and please do not 'push her to get up and move', such a thing should not even be a consideration! Your mother is 87 years old, with obvious health issues that led her to the hospital AND rehab recently, and now she's tired and wants to sleep. Allow her to do that. It's a whole lot better than having her up and screaming at you all day long or ordering you around/complaining or carrying on like we see happening with SO MANY elders here on the forum.
It is not our job as daughters and mere mortals to determine when it's time for our mother's to pass; that's God's job. All we can do is try to make their lives as comfortable as humanly possible while they are alive and leave the rest in God's hands. The end may be indeed be near for your mother, nobody knows. You may want to speak to her PCP about a hospice evaluation now. Hospice can come in and see what they think about how long she has left to live. They can provide you and your mom with excellent services like bathing that will help you a lot. All of their meds and services and medical supplies *like a hospital bed/wheelchair* are free and billed directly to Medicare who pays 100% of their fees. An evaluation may give you a better idea of what's happening with mom's body right now.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
I strongly second CountryMouse's advice. If this is a new behavior, it merits a call to Mom's PCP, and sooner rather than later. Even if it's not new, so to speak, if it's never been discussed by mom with her doctor, you should bring it up at her next appointment.
Has she said why she's so tired? Is she not sleeping well at night? Is she bothered by/concerned about incontinence issues? My mom was terribly embarrassed to talk about her "leaking"; she was afraid to fall asleep at night, because she was afraid she wouldn't be able to get up to the bathroom "in time" if she tried to do so from a sound sleep. It led to her dozing off and on in her recliner all night, which led to her being tired, which led to her dozing off and on in her recliner all day, which made her not being tired at night, which led to her...well, you get the picture.
When she finally brought it up to me, we were able to take "precautions" (ie. Depends, chux pads, etc.) but, unfortunately by that time she had set up the pattern of never wanting to go to bed. Then her CHF became bad enough that she was actually more comfortable in her chair, so I just left it alone, especially as by that time she was in hospice, and I saw no reason to try and change that habit at that point.
As far as "forcing" her, I don't know that you can. If your mom is anything like mine was, the more I "nagged" her to "get up, move around, do your exercises!', etc. the less likely she was to do them. My husband was actually the one who was able to get her to move around, because he did a lot of the exercises with her, telling her it was good for his hips.
Or does mom maybe suffer from depression? That also can make someone sleepy all of the time. If that's the case, you might want to talk to her doctor about medication for that, or at the very least a recommendation/referral for a geriatric psychiatrist, who can prescribe medication to help.
Good luck and (((hugs)))
What does she do when you "force her to get up"? Does she sit and watch TV? or can you get her out for a walk? Is there a Senior Center where she can partake in activities? Is there an Adult Day program that has structured activities?
If there are no programs available can you get her to help with some things around the house? Like, wash and peel veggies for dinner. If it is safe can she cut up things for soup or stew? Can she make out your shopping list?
Fold the laundry, hang some of the items on hangars. Pair socks.
If all she does is sit and watch TV or even nap maybe sleeping is not such a bad option.
I should add that sleeping for longer time is a sign that Hospice looks for when looking for declines. Even with no medical conditions as the body gives out the energy is used to keep the heart pumping, the brain, kidneys, lungs and all other organs working. With all that work the body gets tired.
This should be something you should discuss with her doctor particularly if this is a recent practice.