My elderly mother, 90 years old, refuses to move to assisted living. She has been living with me for three years. She's become belligerent. Any advice?

LauraMatthew, the vast majority of us grown children had to wait until there was a serious illness or a major fall where 911 was called. After the hospital there is a stay at Rehab.

Usually when one's parent is in Rehab is the best time to look for Assisted Living, Memory Care, or a Nursing Home. That way we can say it is an extension of Rehab. And hopefully one's parent will settle in [fingers crossed].

When a parent moves in with a grown child, or vise versa, there is a change in the parent/child dynamics. The parent becomes the leader and you are viewed once again as the "kid" and what do kids know. Next thing you find out is that Mom has a different way of doing things, and you should follow suit.

I had to deal with my own Mom [98] that way, had to wait for an emergency. On the other hand, Dad accepted caregivers, and it was his idea later on to move to senior living. If only all parents were easy like that.

Lol She's 90, she probably wants to pass in a home and not a NH or AL

My mother fought my brother and I for ten years, she lived alone in the mountains of NC, we live in Florida.

We waited in the wings, she had a slight stroke, she was afraid to stay alone at night, we swooped her up, moved her to AL in Fl and sold her house.

Three years later, she loves it, no responsibility, friends, activities. She is 97 and teaches chair aerobics. Go Figure!

If you have the Durable POA, this may be the time to evoke it.

Good Luck

This is why I usually recommend to posters here not to take parents into their home. I hope at least she is paying her fair share of living expenses and rent. Saying all this, I will likely end up taking my mother in and share an apartment if it becomes necessary because she can't afford to live on her own (She's currently with her partner who likely will pass before her). And I'll hope for the best. But if she ends up needing care that I can't provide and is not safe by herself, then she will go to a NH. It sounds like your mother doesn't need NH care yet? She is just belligerent? How much care does she need? If you are doing things she can do for herself, stop doing them. If she is close to needing NH care because she can't do ADL's, call a social worker and let the SW know the situation is becoming too much for you to handle and have the SW assist in finding placement for her.

Legally, your mom is a tenant, and you'd have to evict her if you don't have an active power of attorney that allows you to make these decisions for her. If she's competent and your POA isn't active until she's incompetent, then get ready to go the legal route or wait for a crisis.

Maybe you can get her to go for a respite stay so that you can "go on a trip". Whether you go or not is your choice, but once you get her there, you can tell her that's it, she's staying?

Do you have the fortitude to stop providing any and all caregiving, as in doing nothing at all for her and you and your husband going on about your lives as if she isn’t there? No doubt incredibly hard to pull off, but she’s a now unwelcome guest in your home, one that’s lashing out at you for needing a change. Can you by your actions or inactions make her see she’s living in the wrong place and it no longer meets her needs? No arguing, just no more help. You don’t owe mom your home, marriage, and life. If she can’t see your need for change, your burnout, that doesn’t make it any less real. Please move forward despite the anger, caring for yourself is not wrong

Make the choice real easy for her.

Choose from;
#1: SHE chooses the AL she likes, or
#2: YOU will choose the AL.
Note: both options include AL 😉

If she really pushes, offer option #3: live on the street

"She does not think that she needs care..." Denial or lack of insight. Common I am afraid.

".. and what she does need should be taken care by me." Entitled thinking based on outdated gender roles. Also common.

"She is incredibly angry and belligerent with me".
Also common. Throwing a fit is usually the way to get one's way, right?

Answer that with empathy-oh well-positive spin eg I am sad too, old age sure sucks, but it will be ok. 😞💩😊

Then add her name to the wait list of the AL she liked.

"I've been caring for my mom's needs for twelve years, increasingly more and more to do."

Why, why, WHY does this happen so much, where one sibling does all the work?

Who has POA/HCPOA?

Is your mother paying anything to live with you? Is she paying you anything for caregiving? If not, why not?

Realize your older sibs like the way things are now, so they are not going to want anything to change. You won't be able to change them, but you can change what YOU are willing to put up with.

Power of Attorney provides the authority to managed finances but it does not provide any other authority such as directing where someone lives. To do that, you need to be appointed Guardian by the courts.

I told my mom age 90 I was taking her to respite care while I went on vaca. She begrudgingly accepted that. She had been awful and at one point screaming for an hour she wanted to live any place but in my house and help I was beating her someone call the police. She got her wish. She was properly evaluated and is now on a anti anxiety drug and a much calmer person. She has memory loose and is sometimes confused. She is not happy. Basically she wants to be 80, with my dad and their friends a live and active.

I am going through similar circumstances except my Mom still lives in her own home. She's 90 and having memory issues, hearing is minimal (she's refuses to wear hearing aids), and refuses to look at even independant living options. My husband and I moved from Virginia to Florida to remain close to get in case she needed help. We never thought it would be this hard! I have her health POA and my brother has her financial POA. We tried to have her tested by a Neurologist but she was so shocked and angry that she refused any further testing. How do you find a social worker? I need to talk with someone to see what options I have short of waiting for a disaster.

Hi Laura, I had the exact same situation except I live alone. We also happily visited places, but when it came time to choose, my mother flat out refused. What worked for me was going into “crisis mode”. We had a terrible argument and my mother was so defiant she agreed to move to get away from me. Within 2 days we were at the facility signing papers. It wasn’t ideal emotionally, but unfortunately you may have to use that heightened anger and frustration to your advantage. Make sure you have all your details and plans in place so when the “moment” happens, you’re ready to move with little hesitation. The guilt will be overwhelming, but your mental health and well-being is equally important. Wishing you grace and blessings.

when my husband's mom was in dementia care, they had a cream form of Ativan they would rub on her forearms to calm her down...I wonder if this is available to folks like us who take care of the elderly? We too are considering having Mom move in with us and she's getting demanding even before moving in!

Does your mom have the capacity to listen to her primary care dr? That made going to AL easier for my mom because the “dr says i need it” because my opinion couldn’t matter to her

i did all I could do to keep my husband at home as long as possible. Eventually it became unsafe for him and an unhealthy drain on me even with near round the clock aides. I searched assisted living/memory care residences, made my choice, and started the admission process. I had planned to tell him that he needed to be there for heightened therapy. However, he was put in the hospital for pneumonia and sent to rehab. I moved him directly from rehab to the AL/MC residence. He thought it was continuation of rehab. After one month, he is safer, healthier thanks to the programs and socialization, good meals, and 24/7 aides and nurses. I am healthier and able to visit each evening. It is heartbreaking but I should have done it sooner. We are fortunate to have long-term health insurance. Wishing you and all others in this situation much love, care, and luck.

It’s awful but it’s time to stem burnout. Either the other siblings help or she goes to AL. Maybe even IF they help, she goes to AL. Does she expect it all from you? Don’t fall for it. (other siblings male? I ask because that’s what I was stuck with as an only daughter.)
Decide what you can/ will do, let siblings know & proceed as you need to. <Your life must come first now: that doesn’t mean Mom is left to her own devices; it means you get to have a life & give some help to Mom too - all 3 of you! Assisted Living sounds like one right move: get sibs off their duffs too! Good luck. If they don’t, then start spending some of Mom’s money on care.

What you do is when she needs help or wants something...don't do it. Tell her since she tells you over and over she doesn't need help, then she can do it on her own.

You may need to explain that you too are a Senior and as such you no longer have the energy or the stamina you had at 30. That what you do for her is getting too much for you. If you still work, it would be after a 10 hour day, you just can't take care of her needs too. Or, "Sorry Mom, this arrangement is just not working. I can no longer care for you its becoming too much for me. You need to go to an AL where there are more people to help you."

Yes she will be mad. But she will come around because...she needs you more than you need her at this point. You will probably be the only one to visit. The only one that can bring her what she needs.

Is your Mother angry at you or her situation, sometimes we don’t like the hand we are dealt.
You’re going to have to give her a nudge to save you both, burn out is no joke.

Use this experience to set up your own situation so you don’t put your kids in the same predicament.

Things only get worse if we let them continue past what we can manage. You could risk your own health.

It occurs to me that the issue isn't getting your mother to move out (like an 18-year-old camping in your basement), but rather a burnout issue - put another way, it's a balance issue - easy to solve.

I manage a boutique home healthcare agency in Boca Raton, FL, and see situations like this all the time. The adult child "feels like" mommy can't be alone, and mommy dearest is destroying her life - so like her 18-year-old no-good, burnout son tough love is required. WRONG ANSWER!

The place to start looking from and thinking about first is, "What do "I" (the adult child) need to restore MY peace, happiness, independence, and whatever else is missing from MY life (and lifestyle)? Make a list: get your nails done, time with friends, time for hobbies, a full night's sleep, a good shag? Write it down and keep the list handy so you can add to it!

Next, declare your independence and pull out your calendar. Schedule your month! Pretend mommy dearest is stuck in her room ALF eating lasagna and pinto beans for dinner (they do that) and you're alone. Bowling? Mahjong? Bridge? Cabo? Museums? Whatever.... just plan it and get ready to go!

Next, find a great home healthcare agency. One that will take time to listen to what you and your mother need, and match a caregiver to your mom and her needs. Sounds to me like what's needed is a certified HHA who is also a great companion.

My definition of a great companion is one who is willing to provide whatever is "needed and wanted" at the moment and is a great communicator. Bonus points if they are able to anticipate the client's needs, are always two steps ahead, and know when to lead from behind - giving the client as much independence as possible.

On the Caregiver's first day, you should make sure there are at least two choices for lunch that your mom likes in the fridge, and about an hour before lunch, start to get a little more dressed up (like you're going on a business appointment) than usual. 5 minutes before mom's usual lunchtime, the doorbell should ring. You greet your caregiver like she's an old friend. In less than 90 seconds, introduce her to your mother, explain to mom that "Angie" is going to make your lunch then ask you some questions about what it was like growing up in (city). Tell mom you love her and you will be back at 4 pm then grab your purse and leave - quickly and happily! You can leave mommy dearest bewildered or confused, don't leave her mad! (Practice in the mirror the night before if you need to!)

Here is what is going to happen in the next four hours:
1) Your mom will have her lunch.
2) Your mom will have a new best friend.
3) Your mom won't be dead when you get back.
4) Your mom will want to know when Angie is coming back!

Happy Independence Day to you!!!

This works like a charm every time. As long as Angie is a good communicator, lets mom CHOOSE what she wants for lunch and she sits at the table (or near) where mom eats and asks mom simple, non-invasive questions (where did you grow up? What was your career like? How many kids, grandchildren? etc.) Angie will get your mom to open up like a book!

If you are a Caregiver, here are a few things that are really important to know:
1) Loneliness is the most common sickens seniors encounter.
2) They want to preserve their independence more than you do. (A $20 tray that fits on their walker so they can carry a snack or soda will change their life!)
3) They are going to fall down - and 99% of the time they will be fine! Think of it as teaching a child to ride a bike. If they are afraid to fall, they will be afraid to try. If they know falling is "ok" they won't be afraid or embarrassed.
4) Allow them to make as many choices - even small choices like what color Depends to wear today will give them a sense of independence and inclusion. They should ALWAYS have a meal choice - especially for lunch. Ask their advice and opinions, discuss their TV shows and talk to them, not at them!

Let me know how it goes! ~ BRAD

When an elder is belligerent, it is usually part of dementia. In Colorado, in order for a patient to be admitted to assisted-living or memory care, the person must have a doctor’s order to give to the facility. I know both of my parents thought their doctors were God and everything they said was the truth. If your mother feels the same way, I would ask her physician to recommend to your mother directly that she move to a facility. This may be the only thing that will physically get her up and out of your house and into a facility. Once there, she may find that she really likes it. It depends on whether she is outgoing or not. Even so, I would strongly urge you to move your mother to a facility so that you can have your life back. You deserve a life too.

If you have her POA and she physically and mentally cannot manage without caregivers (in this case you), then you can have her forcibly moved into assisted living.
Find whatever facility she's going to and tell them she will be a hostile transfer. They will know what you mean and will help you.
If you don't have authority to make her decisions, you will have to serve her with eviction to vacate your home.
She has to go. Your burnout is terrible and I know how it is. I was an in-home caregiver for almost 25 years and have had the yoke of caregiving slavery on me with my mother for a very long time.
I'm leaving because I can't cope anymore with her and I cannot work in hands-on client care anymore either.
Tell your mother she is moving out. If she wants to get nasty and belligerent with you call an ambulance and have her sent to the ER. Then refuse to have her back. Tell them that you are unable to provide caregiving to her. They will send a social worker to talk with you.
Tell them you want her placed. If you've found a place, they will get her there.
If you haven't, they will keep her admitted until they find one.
Good luck. It will be okay.

It is hard when they dont think that they need assisted living. You need to talk to her doctor and let him know that its time for her to go. He may say that if she doesnt want to go, she dont have to but, just tell him that you are at a burnt out and your two other siblings dont help out. You need to think about you, cause if you burn out no one will help her. I have a sister inlaw who is a nurse and she has POA and thinks she is all that. She doesnt help to care for her parents and leaves it up to her brother and me. She didnt even tell us that they had alzheimers or diemensia. I cared for them when they had their cancer scare in 1994 til 1996, she was living at home and didnt do anything. I cooked cleaned and other things all she did was eat and went out. I thought ok than, whatevers. Later when in laws got worst in 2016 with the alzheimers and diemensia which I had to tell her to take them to the doctors on it. She didnt even tell us they had it until things got worst. I got mad but til today she still dont care. Dad passed in Jan 2021 and mom is still here and I told mom something should be done cause I am on dialysis and I can give you the care you need. I was on dialysis since 2001 and going to dialysis and doing all. Well, mom decided to live with her daughter and now life here with me and my husband is nice.

Become medical POA...

I checked the internet and other resources and as far as I can tell, there is no cream form of Ativan. I don't know what the caregivers were applying to the patient in the Nursing home--but it wasn't Ativan.

A Geriatric Psychiatrist can educate, evaluate and medicate. If Adult Protective Services is notified that your mother has no home available and no care, they can force the issue: use your phone or baby cam to document her belligerence.

Consult with Elder Law Attorney to figure out what documents you need to help your mom to a safer place where she can reside as an independent woman with the level of assistance she requires. Hopefully, half way between you and your siblings (45 min away) so that you can all visit her regularly.

There is a way to navigate this.

Before I dive in though, please know, you are not alone. Thousands of family caregivers are in this boat with you. You are welcome to join us for support over on FB: AARP Family Caregiver Discussion Group (even if you aren't a member of AARP, though I highly recommend that too).

I can only share my own hard earned advice after caring for my own parents who decided (for me, yet without my input), that they wanted to age-in-place. Read that last again... ring a bell?

Okay, so let me get to it.

There is nothing wrong with calmly telling your LO:

1. Outdated gender roles assume adult female children will not be working and therefore will be free to provide constant care.

Most of us have to work to keep a roof over our own heads during and after their life span so that is no longer a feasible option UNLESS the aging party brings a financial surplus to the table to support that choice. Most don't.

2. Aging-in-place care plans assume those adult children will have the health to carry out that monumental ask.

No one has a crystal ball, so there could be no way of knowing how your own aging process and mental health would factor into the situation. Your life and health matter, even if they are too consumed with their own needs to acknowledge your reality.

3. There have been many improvements to, and expansion of senior living options in the last several decades.

They (nor you) need to be afraid.

4. It takes several people to care for a senior in a balanced manner: dietician, nurse, activities director, caregiver, cook, accountant, supply management, driver... to name a few.

Trying to do 8 jobs well, and believe you can balance your own life and health would be an unreasonable expectation for anyone... nevermind for a long period of time.

An ounce of preparation is key to preserving the relationship and minimizing the emotional toll on all parties. To accomplish this, have a Durable POA in place (giving financial and health proxy to a trusted 3rd party). If your LO will not agree to that, advise them that you will seek a neutral state guardian to manage their care so you can rest knowing their needs are met, even if not by you. That will usually turn them around (better the devil they know than the devil they don't). Note: they and you will lose ALL control over their care and choices, so proceed with that as a last and final resort.

Next, tour facilities as close to your home as you can find (and afford), at your earliest opportunity. Make note of which ones YOU would want to live in and tell them that! "This is where I will go when or if the time comes!" Be specific and share what you love about the place. Best if they seem to like it too (and the residents appear settled and content).

When the time comes (usually a crisis event), this will provide what you and your LO need... to have some sense of control over where they will live out the remainder of their days and that they will be safe (a basic human need) and cared for. Communicate to your loved one that you are looking local so you can visit - without carrying the care responsibilities alone.

The matters of managing the complexity/ies of their health (and the toll that takes on you) as well as affording care are whole other beasts so I intentially didn' tackle those here (or this post would be an even bigger book ;).

Sending love and light to all of you who are paddling down these category 4 rapids, in this particular boat. Though it feels like it at the time, the golden years don't last forever. 🙏

Good Afternoon.

There comes a time where one person's efforts become unattainable for the level of need.

Sounds like it is time for a change. Of course, you hold mother's hand and tell them all of their needs will be met and that you know where they are and overseeing everything.

Just make sure she feels rest assured unless you think perhaps it's time to "bring in palliative and/or hospice care" into the home? You would have to ask your mother's primary care doc.

Every family story is similar but you can do a lot over the phone and make a plan.
The people on this forum are very helpful. You don't have to do this alone.

God be with you...I will pray for you. I know it's hard, you love your mother but you don't want to go down the ship. You want to still be standing when everything is said and done. It may never come to agreement that your plan coincides with mother's.

Get connected with a local social worker to discuss your mother and your options. Much will depend on her finances. If caregiving for your mother has become too much for you and your husband to do, you need to find a solution that works for you and your family as well as for your mother. There are programs that pay for family caregivers. Are you eligible for these payments? Your mother's doctor may have to fill out some forms for that and for other in-home care if your mother is on Medicare. Is your mother eligible for in-home caregivers through Medicare/Medicaid? Take any assistance you can get while you work things out. Would you be able to take a vacation if you had caregivers coming in to care for your mother? Use the time when in-home caregivers are there to take breaks and see if this can be a sustainable solution. If you have people coming to your home, lock up the valuables and personal papers, especially financial papers. You don't mention your mother's mental capabilities. Hopefully your mother has all of her paperwork in order, and if not hopefully she is still able to sign legal papers. She needs to set up powers of attorney for medical and financial matters. I'm assuming you will be her POA, perhaps with your siblings as second and third levels of POA. Your mother also should have a living will with her advance medical directives and a will, if she has assets. You also need to be on file with Medicare and Social Security to be able to speak on her behalf, if necessary. This is not just for her, but you can explain that it's something all responsible adults should do, in case they become unable to care for themselves. You may need an attorney to assist, but the social worker may also be able to give you resources for this. If your mother is showing signs of dementia (and beligerance can be a sign), you will need her doctor to help activate the POAs. At some point you will need to have a discussion with your mother to let her know that her care is becoming to much for you and your husband. Her two basic options are in-home caregivers (if you agree to having them in your home) or moving to assisted living/memory care. Would senior independent living with hired caregivers also be an option? Moves are difficult for seniors, and this will be a difficult transition if your mother is resisting, but you also are entitled to have a life. The advantage of assisted living/memory care/skilled nursing is that they have professional staff who know how to care for seniors with all different levels of capabilty. There will be people there her own age, and they organize appropriate activities. All the best to you and your family.

When the time came that my 95-year-old dad needed to go to memory care, we told him he was going for in-residence physical therapy. He never would have left his house if we told him he was moving. He was ok with that. His memory is poor enough that he doesn't realize how long it's been.