My elderly mother, 90 years old, refuses to move to assisted living. She has been living with me for three years. She's become belligerent. Any advice?

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My elderly mother, 90 years old, refuses to move to assisted living. She has been living with me for three years. She's become belligerent. Any advice?

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I've been caring for my mom's needs for twelve years, increasingly more and more to do. The last three years she's been living with me and my husband in our home. I can't even begin to describe my burnout. My mom and I looked at a few assisted living residences, and she now refuses to move or look at any more residences. She actually liked one of the ones that I showed her. She is incredibly angry and belligerent with me. She does not think that she needs care and what she does need should be taken care by me. My two older two siblings live about 1.5 hours away from me and do not take on any responsibility regarding her care. Yes, I've communicated multiple times with them but to no avail. How do I actually physically get my mom to move out of my house?

Assisted Living Burnout Care Decisions Refusing Care

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LauraMatthew, the vast majority of us grown children had to wait until there was a serious illness or a major fall where 911 was called. After the hospital there is a stay at Rehab.

Usually when one's parent is in Rehab is the best time to look for Assisted Living, Memory Care, or a Nursing Home. That way we can say it is an extension of Rehab. And hopefully one's parent will settle in [fingers crossed].

When a parent moves in with a grown child, or vise versa, there is a change in the parent/child dynamics. The parent becomes the leader and you are viewed once again as the "kid" and what do kids know. Next thing you find out is that Mom has a different way of doing things, and you should follow suit.

I had to deal with my own Mom [98] that way, had to wait for an emergency. On the other hand, Dad accepted caregivers, and it was his idea later on to move to senior living. If only all parents were easy like that.

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This unfortunately is exactly my tactic. I live 3000 miles from both parents. My plan was always to move back when they were in their early 80’s because I have an autistic brother who lives in a group home that I will need to be near in the future. I even have an in-law apartment I stay in at my father’s house when I visit that I put a new kitchen into a couple years ago prepping for the day. Then, wham, dad gets an ALZ Dx following a mild stroke and I quickly realize there is NO WAY I can live there with him full time. When I am home I now become his everything person and after 3 weeks I am so done. He refuses to believe anything is wrong and gets very aggressive, screaming, telling me to FO. I know it’s the disease but I can only take so much of that. I have used my POA to wrangle the majority of his finances under my care by putting many bills on auto pay without even telling him because he will go ballistic. Last time I was home I found so many bills, property taxes, and insurance policies left unpaid that I had no choice. He would just say, that’s not due now, when it was due month’s before. Whenever he finds about about one that’s been paid on auto pay he goes mad with rage and screams at me not to touch his money or pay his bills. I try to calmly say “we set this up together when I was home in July and taking care of all the insurance stuff. I can understand why you don’t remember because there was a lot going on and that was a stressful couple of weeks.” Sometimes that works to calm him down a bit and then the next day he may not even remember it. Now of course that’s a lie. We didn’t set it up together but we did have many talks about insurance policies, etc, and he was so confused by it all that I had to make a move. It’s all so difficult. He will never in a million years agree to go into care, and given how belligerent he gets they would probably toss him out anyway. He’s not ready for that phase yet anyway but I can see that we are maybe a year away from him not being able to live at home alone anymore. I like so many others wait for the triggering event that takes it out of my hands and forces a placement. It’s a terrible way to live, but so many of us are constantly choosing between the least bad of all terrible options.

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Make the choice real easy for her.

Choose from;
#1: SHE chooses the AL she likes, or
#2: YOU will choose the AL.
Note: both options include AL 😉

If she really pushes, offer option #3: live on the street

"She does not think that she needs care..." Denial or lack of insight. Common I am afraid.

".. and what she does need should be taken care by me." Entitled thinking based on outdated gender roles. Also common.

"She is incredibly angry and belligerent with me".
Also common. Throwing a fit is usually the way to get one's way, right?

Answer that with empathy-oh well-positive spin eg I am sad too, old age sure sucks, but it will be ok. 😞💩😊

Then add her name to the wait list of the AL she liked.

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What happened to love and compassion? This is a person who birth you, raised you, and loved you unconditionally.

On the streets? Jesus ..

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Do you have the fortitude to stop providing any and all caregiving, as in doing nothing at all for her and you and your husband going on about your lives as if she isn’t there? No doubt incredibly hard to pull off, but she’s a now unwelcome guest in your home, one that’s lashing out at you for needing a change. Can you by your actions or inactions make her see she’s living in the wrong place and it no longer meets her needs? No arguing, just no more help. You don’t owe mom your home, marriage, and life. If she can’t see your need for change, your burnout, that doesn’t make it any less real. Please move forward despite the anger, caring for yourself is not wrong

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Hi Laura, I had the exact same situation except I live alone. We also happily visited places, but when it came time to choose, my mother flat out refused. What worked for me was going into “crisis mode”. We had a terrible argument and my mother was so defiant she agreed to move to get away from me. Within 2 days we were at the facility signing papers. It wasn’t ideal emotionally, but unfortunately you may have to use that heightened anger and frustration to your advantage. Make sure you have all your details and plans in place so when the “moment” happens, you’re ready to move with little hesitation. The guilt will be overwhelming, but your mental health and well-being is equally important. Wishing you grace and blessings.

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Start an argument to get her to move, Nice.

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We got a psychologist involved to help. You need a third party to come in and talk to them. He asked my father-in-law a series of questions. The answer was always my daughter does that. One of the last questions was your daughter can no longer provide care for you what are you going to do. There was no answer. He was then convinced he needed to move out. Can’t say it will work for anyone. It’s just what worked for us.

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"I've been caring for my mom's needs for twelve years, increasingly more and more to do."

Why, why, WHY does this happen so much, where one sibling does all the work?

Who has POA/HCPOA?

Is your mother paying anything to live with you? Is she paying you anything for caregiving? If not, why not?

Realize your older sibs like the way things are now, so they are not going to want anything to change. You won't be able to change them, but you can change what YOU are willing to put up with.

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My mother fought my brother and I for ten years, she lived alone in the mountains of NC, we live in Florida.

We waited in the wings, she had a slight stroke, she was afraid to stay alone at night, we swooped her up, moved her to AL in Fl and sold her house.

Three years later, she loves it, no responsibility, friends, activities. She is 97 and teaches chair aerobics. Go Figure!

If you have the Durable POA, this may be the time to evoke it.

Good Luck

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I told my mom age 90 I was taking her to respite care while I went on vaca. She begrudgingly accepted that. She had been awful and at one point screaming for an hour she wanted to live any place but in my house and help I was beating her someone call the police. She got her wish. She was properly evaluated and is now on a anti anxiety drug and a much calmer person. She has memory loose and is sometimes confused. She is not happy. Basically she wants to be 80, with my dad and their friends a live and active.

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Maybe you can get her to go for a respite stay so that you can "go on a trip". Whether you go or not is your choice, but once you get her there, you can tell her that's it, she's staying?

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i did all I could do to keep my husband at home as long as possible. Eventually it became unsafe for him and an unhealthy drain on me even with near round the clock aides. I searched assisted living/memory care residences, made my choice, and started the admission process. I had planned to tell him that he needed to be there for heightened therapy. However, he was put in the hospital for pneumonia and sent to rehab. I moved him directly from rehab to the AL/MC residence. He thought it was continuation of rehab. After one month, he is safer, healthier thanks to the programs and socialization, good meals, and 24/7 aides and nurses. I am healthier and able to visit each evening. It is heartbreaking but I should have done it sooner. We are fortunate to have long-term health insurance. Wishing you and all others in this situation much love, care, and luck.

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This decision is what is ahead for me. I deeply appreciate your taking the time to contribute your entry, here.

My elderly mother, 90 years old, refuses to move to assisted living. She has been living with me for three years. She's become belligerent. Any advice?

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