My elderly mother is a hypochondriac. Unfortunately, she is able to use the Internet & Googles “conditions.” She also sends me up to 50 emails a day, sometimes more. She has always had depression & anxiety problems & was quite abusive when I was young. Both my sister & I are exhausted with her complaints. She has Osteoarthritis & has recently had tongue cancer requiring removal of one third of her tongue as well as lymph nodes. Since this surgery she has been way worse despite healing well medically. She phoned me to give me blow by blow reports on bowel movements with details including straining, disempacting herself, pushing until she is dripping sweat. She has the necessary medications for constipation. She has not been diagnosed with dementia as she refuses to see a Gerontologist, especially a “brown” one. She now lives in a Retirement Residence where she gets her meals & nursing assistance if she falls or is unwell & just has to push a button on her wrist. She hates living there but is not able to live in her own home due to mobility & balance issues caused from years of deconditioning. She refuses to go to events at the RR even though we recently purchased an electric wheelchair to allow her to get out of her apartment. She is causing great anxiety for my sister & I to the point our lives are being very adversely affected by her behaviour. She is mean & manipulative with us...her only daughters. My sister & I have gone to Counselling to learn how to deal with her behaviour but she is dramatic to the point of ridiculous. Her cup is always half full...the story of her life. Although we have been advised to back away from her by the therapist, this is just not possible. Her pleas for “help me”, suicide & neediness just become worse with backing have no idea how awful she can make us feel. Her emails now go to my “junk mail” so that I can get respite from her constant complaints. I need to become less sensitive to her unhappiness but as a Professional Caregiver my personality is to always try to help...I cannot change my personality....I feel so guilty ignoring her. Nothing but her death will bring relief it seems...her personality disorder is sucking the life out of my sister & I. She is relentless despite our telling her to please stop sending emails. I have blocked her on Facebook Messaging. She refuses help & by law is considered competent although I am sure she has Dementia of some kind. We are worn out. I feel that we deserve to enjoy life, something my mother never did manage to do. She lives at a Pity Party & refuses to leave it. I understand removing her from my life is recommended but I just cannot do that. Is there any other advice from others to help? How can I become desensitized? Therapy has not helped. Thanks...

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I am bumping ur post. There is someone going thru what you are.
Helpful Answer (4)

At mother's worst when she was developing dementia, but had not yet been diagnosed, I would get around 20 emails a day , each one complaining and nasty to me. It was not a pleasant time. I stopped answering phone calls at one point as they were so abusive. I glanced at emails and screened voice mails to be sure there was no real issue and left them alone answering very few. A couple of times I told her if she continued being so nasty she could find someone else to be her POA. You can google "detaching," It helps though I never managed to get completely detached. Mother had been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, which is very difficult to treat. It is everyone else's fault and never theirs.

It sounds like she has the help she needs and that you and your sis need a break. I would take one by setting some very firm limits regards phone calls and emails. You deserve some peace in your life.

Boundaries are necessary with someone like your mother. Tell her you will, for example, answer one phone call a day, and one email a day or whatever you can cope with. Better yet, tell her you are taking a week's break, then you will answer one call and one email a day. If you play her game you are enabling her which is not healthy for her or for you. Be prepared that she will be angry - what's new?

Let us know how you are. Things are very stressful for you right now. ((((((hugs))))))
Helpful Answer (12)

Some notes I have on detaching:

Accept that others are responsible for their own choices.
Anger – deal with it in a healthy way.
Blame – don’t blame and don’t accept blame.
Consequences – face them and see that others experience consequences of their choices too.
Decide what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do.
Detachment is not a feeling so much as a choice of behaviors, though the feelings should (will) follow the behaviors.
Detachment means you can maintain positive behaviors towards to others –kindness, compassion.
Don’t enable the unhealthy behaviors of others.
Focus on yourself and what is good for you.
Forgive, but don’t forget the need to protect yourself.
Grieve the relationship as it was, the hopes that you had, the mistreatment you received.
Refuse to be manipulated e.g., emotional blackmail
Respond, don’t react - be proactive.
Separate yourself - physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, socially from others behaviors/feelings.
Set boundaries.
Say “No”.
Space –create it between you and them.
Try not to take their behaviors personally.
Treat others and yourself with love and dignity.
You can only control /change yourself – your emotions, your behaviors –do not take responsibility for the others feelings or behaviors.
Realize it is a process and that you will make mistakes and get “sucked” in, but that you can learn from your mistakes.
#1 Look after yourself.
#2 Detach emotionally - the book and workbook about "Walking on Eggshells" is good and other resources for those with narcissistic parents like various websites - google narcissistic mothers
#3 Set up the boundaries according to what you think is right, and what you want to or can do and let him/her know clearly - maybe putting it in writing would be helpful - you do NOT have to do it all for her. Look after her needs, if you choose to, but not necessarily her wants. All those phone call and emails are not about needs, they are about wants.
Helpful Answer (26)

My mother, like yours, was a World Class Drama Queen. She was also narcissistic and a martyr. Growing up, I remember only one couple who was friends with my parents. My mother often said they had no friends because my dad had only a 9th grade education and couldn’t hold his own in a conversation. (Not true).

When she began suffering from vascular dementia, she entered a fantasy world of hallucinations and delusions. I wasn’ t a member of this board yet and had to muddle through it as best I could. I got the BM daily too. During our conversations, I found out my grandfather committed suicide 50 years ago. She also said she had an affair with her boss. I know the suicide is true, but I will always wonder about the affair and I am glad I look like my dad.

When sne first entered the facility, I visited every day, then every other day. The worse she got, leaving me behind in her delusions, I visited less often. She had times she recognized me and when I visited during those times, I enjoyed the visit. I pulled her phone after many 3AM calls. I knew in an emergency, the home would call me, not her. It took me a long time to realize that my “real” mom existed in my mind and memories. This person had moments of clarity, but she was someone now who didn’t remember or recognize herself, or me 98% of the time. The sooner I accepted that my mom would not become one of those ladies, who at the age of 100 would celebrate by skydiving, I was able to detach. That doesn’t mean I didn’t care about her anymore, but I also cared about myself. I let the complaints about the home roll off my shoulders. There were always new ones. I got to know the staff and knew they were the ones who would alert me to any real concerns.
Helpful Answer (15)

Golden23’s advice of “look after her needs but not necessarily her wants” is spot on. It cuts thru all the muck.
Helpful Answer (20)

There is a huge plus to this. You do not have to live with her. She is lonely and just wants someone to care about her that is in her family.  I live with my Mom who does the above plus much much more and right now she has positioned herself on the sofa so she is in the middle and can watch my ever move as I go in and out of my room to care for her.  Count your many many blessings. It could be a lot worse. P.S. don't read the emails if they upset you. Open them but don't read them.  I have lived with my Mom for 7 years and my friends do not even recognize me now.  If I had chosen not to move in she would be in a facility as your Mom is.  This would be better because if you are the only one with her it gets 100 times worse as she would take all out on you.  You will be okay because you are away from her.   Learn to not let her emails and complaints control your life.  Do things to distract from this that are relaxing for you.   Please know that you are so fortunate to not live with her.   
Helpful Answer (12)

One of my elderly neighbors has a version of "hypochondria." The smallest cut or scrape is a major injury in his mind. Similarly, other common ailments are blown out of proportion. However, he often refuses to see his internist about potentially dangerous conditions. He clings to his internist. When I suggest seeking the opinion of a specialist, he always rejects my suggestion.
Golden23 list is superb! Thanks
Helpful Answer (3)

Your post could have been written about my mother---(sigh) she was such a challenging person to grow up with and I have still got a lot of anger about the way she handled (well, didn't handle) so much of the basic needs of growing kids. And she had 6 of us--we sort of raised each other and ourselves.

Mother used threats of suicide all the time---the last time (I was 31, it was actually ON my birthday) she was complaining about something and pulled that "Well, I'll just kill myself and then you'll all be happy". Something in me snapped. I said "Ok, mom, but will you please not leave a mess behind. I'm not in the mood to clean up after you". She's never used that phrase around me again---but it was kind of late--I remember being the first one home from school and tiptoeing down the hall to her bedroom and checking to see if she was breathing---what kind of sick and twisted way is that to keep kids in line?? She was this way for years and years---suddenly after daddy passed away, she changed. She was still having colds that took her "near death" 3 or 4 times a year, she still sought after surgeries constantly, but she seemed to enjoy life more.

She now has mild dementia, repeated assaults of the surgical variety on her back, knees and hips have rendered her almost immobile. She cannot do stairs, barely can move, and most of this was self-created by being totally non compliant with her PT. BUT she's nicer now, and I actually don't mind seeing her. My other 4 living sibs have as little to do with her as they can. She lives with one brother and his family, but she may go days and not see anyone of them.

I think Golden's advice on detaching with love is great. I wish I had seen something like that 50 years ago.

At least your mother doesn't live with you. And you can ignore texts and call screen her. My kids do that to me and I'm 61 and very healthy and helpful!! Sometimes you just can't talk to mom--and that's OK. The guilt that comes with that, well, we work on it on a daily basis. And we wont do it to our kids, right??
Helpful Answer (9)

One day I woke up and realized that, "Do as I say, not as I do," was not funny and way too accurate with my mother.

I grew up. I realized I could say no and mean it. I realized that there was a "double standard" with Mom and that I could no longer live with it. And I told her.

I can't count the number of people telling me to "honor thy father and mother" and I told each and every one of them that the unwritten commandment was "honor thy children" too.

Good Luck to you - I can't even imagine what you are going through. But I know you could use a hug and a lot of love.
Helpful Answer (11)

Sorry, I will be blunt, Therapy will not help if you have decided before going that you will not change the way you interact with Mum. As long as she is calling the shots your situation will not change. This is coming from someone who just went through 3 years of intensive therapy to try to recover from an abusive childhood and marriage.

I limit my contact with my parents to 3-4 times per year, only on my terms. I do not answer phone calls from them. It is the only way for me to have a healthy life.

Your Mum does not want you and your sister to enjoy life, she wants you to be at her back and call, as unhappy as she is, and she will do everything necessary to achieve that goal. The two of you need to leave Mum's Pity Party, she is not going to show you the door. Sure she can threaten suicide if you take a step back, but if you cut off contact you do not need to hear the complaints.

Remember the tough love program for teens back in the 1980's, sometimes we have to use tough love for our parents. You and your sister have made sure your Mum is in a safe home, has the electric wheelchair, so she can get around. That is where your responsibility ends. Yes, it is hard after a life time of conditioning to make a change, but it is possible, I am proof of that. I certainly am not saying it is easy, it is not, but the rewards are worth it and you and your sister are worth it.

Helpful Answer (7)

Golden23 What a great set of notes! There isn't anyone in my life right now that I need to detach from, but should the situation arise for me or a friend I hope I can find this with the search feature.
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Jeanne -I have them safe on my one drive if you ever need them.
Helpful Answer (3)

I looked up the definition of "guilt" using Google: the fact of having committed a specified or implied offense or crime. There was also a second definition:make (someone) feel guilty, especially in order to induce them to do something.
"Celeste had been guilted into going by her parents"

As a health professional, you accept responsibility for helping other people. Do you believe you must be able to help everyone? Do you ever have clients who don't get helped? Do they blame you? Do you then feel guilty?
It is my experience that most "normal" people are grateful for any efforts we make to help them. You most likely won't get this gratitude from your mother because she is focused on all the things that make her uncomfortable, anxious, fearful. And no matter what you do, she has both mental and physical conditions that will make her suffer. Good for you that you wish she could be better and that you have tried to help her. To me that means you shouldn't be guilty. It seems that guilt is tied to the desire for a better outcome. If your mother gets an uncomfortable symptom and has hypochondria about this symptom and all the other symptoms, she will then "torment" you with incessant complaints. When you feel this torment, it probably will be easy to then feel guilty about it. As long as you care and love your mother, her pain will also affect you. My mother used to accuse me of being unloving and uncaring. I was guilty of not making her feel better. I used to try to avoid her--and then feel guilty about it.
Let us suppose your mother falls into quicksand and will soon die and you can't help her because if you step into the quicksand to rescue her, you will also get caught and die. It will be tempting to feel guilty--to feel that you are responsible because it's unthinkable that you are helpless and unable to rescue her. But that is the case. You are not guilty just because you have failed to take her pain away or answer all her complaints. I agree with others on this list who advise ways to detach. I wish you well.
Helpful Answer (3)

I feel your pain in some ways.

Although my Mother was never abusive (even though her life was nothing but as a child), she could still give a good 'spanking' when necessary....not a beating...a spanking.

I am the middle child (yes, my therapist(s) will always asking after about the 3rd-4th session) and there is a definite middle child syndrome. I have always been the one through out my life, to be there for Mom. My siblings did their thing, so it was left to me. I asked Mom why she did this to me and she told me that she knew she would always be able to count on me for anything.

I was the one that got the 3:00am calls when we lived in GA (Mom lives in AZ) when Dad left her after 35 years of marriage. I was the one that she would threaten with her planning on suicide. I finally told her to go ahead and do it, but keep in mind that I would always hate her from that point on because Dad wasn't worth killing herself over.

I finally started to send her letters/cards telling her how much I loved her. I would send her small amounts of money for a just whatever Mom. Sent flowers when she didn't expect any thing. These things started to change her attitude and she was less depressed (it runs in the family; I am bi-polar too).

Let her email and give her a short response i.e. I am truly sorry that you're having such a bad time Mom. I'll call the doctor/nurse to let them know.

Send her little things like flowers to just let her know you're thinking about her.

As my therapist tells me, insert something to change the subject during phone calls. You can even provide an excuse as to why you can't stay on the phone....a little white lie...I've done it.

Therapist....don't let her get you riled because she knows that she is in control. Breathe, place the receiver down and let her talk. When she has finished her diatribe, pick it up and just say, I understand.

It has taken a lot of work on my part to do this with my Mom and siblings. I'm in my 60s and have guilt even doing these things that my therapist has suggested. I cry afterward and it takes about 2 days for me to get over my guilt for doing so.

You have to take control of your life as well as your sister does. You have the right to live your lives without your Mother's interference. Go on vacation, let the facility know that you're going to be away and that neither of you can be contacted so she's going to have to deal with them for awhile.

You'll NEVER EVER become desensitized. She is your Mother no matter what. Facts are that children who have been in an abusive relationship with parents are more likely to feel guilty because that is how you were raised.....brain washing. You're at fault for every thing that has happened in the world. I got that speech from my Mother not too long ago.

Have her doctor test for dementia. It is easier to handle knowing that she has this condition. She won't remember any thing. She won't remember calling you and what was said. I just let my Mom tell me the same thing over and over again. I just say 'really Mom, I didn't know'. Or just keep acknowledging her problems so she thinks you're listening....1 ear out the other.

Cry, scream, beat a pillow or just go to your happy place; warm bath, read a book or zen, that's my favorite thing to do as it brings down your blood pressure and heart rate. Also write a journal, I have about 6 of them over the past 7-8 years. It helps to express your thoughts on paper instead of expressing to someone who doesn't really want to hear about it. Take it with you when you see your therapist so he/she will have a better understanding of what has happened since your last session.

I even provided DVDs that my Father took home movies on film and transferred to my therapist to evaluate if things were just in my head or was I correct regarding my feelings of separation within the family as a child/have I carried these feelings with me my entire life. He sided with me and determined that I was indeed bi-polar due to the treatment I had from my entire immediate family.

It's a very tough row to hoe my friend and more so for women than men. Men don't see or have the maternal instincts that we face when it comes to caring for family; that's why women are Mothers, God wired us for that.

I truly hope that this may have helped you in some manner. I pray for you and your sister for the strength to see this through. If you believe in a higher authority, pray for guidance and patience. God always has an ear to listen to you and your problems.
Helpful Answer (6)

Thanks so much for all your help! I am most certainly going to read up on detaching. When my Sister & I took mom to her Specialist appointment and he told her she was cancer free & that her surgery had been very successful, mom showed no reaction. It was as though she had not heard him despite my telling her what a wonderful Christmas gift she had received. No talk of her being fortunate on the way home...only complaints of pain & inability to chew food which the Surgeon assured her would improve in the next 3 weeks. The following morning I had an email from her saying she didn’t know how he (Surgeon) could say she was cancer free when he had not even biopsied her.....well of course there was nothing there to biopsy! I told her this & explained he had also removed extra tissue margins around the tumour for prevention. She has remained miserable & complaining...constantly. She is “not participating in Christmas this year”. My sister & I have been through hell the past 6 weeks...we are detaching by not visiting daily & not reading her emails. We phone her & listen to her complaints but keep the conversations short. We think she wants to be sick....wants the attention & sympathy. If we tell someone when asked how she is doing that her surgery was successful & she is coming along well, she becomes furious....she says she is NOT doing well & she is exhausted & depressed, constipated, sore & can’t eat. Despite KNOWING recovery takes time, she only wants to know who was asking about her & telling us we are not to tell people she is doing well.
There is nothing we can do right. She is a miserable person who has lived her life with a half full cup. My sister & I NEED time for ourselves and we have decided to take that time. We want to enjoy the Christmas Season with our families & not feel guilt, anxiety & down in the dumps. She has no appreciation for our lives or for what we have done for her. Life is all about her. Ugggh...
My wonderful Dad passed away at 70. His zest for life was impressive. He never complained, was a happy loving dad & loved us. Thank God we were given him as a Father. The past 20 years have been tough, but at least he has not had to live through this disheartening time with mom.
Helpful Answer (7)

Sounds like mom wants to live in a very dark, gloomy place, but you don't need to live with her. May you and your sister and families have a wonderful Christmas.
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Don't really much to add. Many people have attachment disorder without knowing or understanding why they can't get along with other people. This comes from not being able to bond with parents as infants. This is not inherited or a disease in and of itself but caused by circumstances. Bi polar on the other hand is a mental illness that is not caused by anything. It can be controlled somewhat by the necessary medications. of course it is made worse by circumstances beyond the sufferer's control.
Help I hope things get better for you but only you are able to do the work necessary . Therapists can't make you better they can only give you suggestions.
Helpful Answer (4)

If your having a problem it's one thing to research that specific problem but another to make up problems you don't even have. I think it's time to check her in to the psych ward through the Baker act and get her mentally evaluated because something is just not right. I hope doctors are not catering to this mental disorder and giving her unnecessary medications. If they are, you may want to find out who all has unknowingly treated her and let them in on what you told us. There are places for people like this and it's about time she gets checked into one of them for the help she really needs. Hopefully she's not living with you but if she is, I would look into quickly getting her out the door and into a mental health facility. Meanwhile, I'll just change the subject anytime she brings up the topic and start blocking her emails and moving them to the spam box. Now, it's time to start praying to God for him to change her in a way only he can. We can only pray he works through the mental health recovery team and even makes internal changes that only he can make

You may not want to cut her out of your life, but you're at a point where you may not have a choice and this is the only option left. Sometimes what you don't want to do and the very thing you were trying to avoid is actually a very solution you most need and sometimes the only option left. For instance, I can't afford to buy a car because they're overpriced and I can't find financing anywhere. I really didn't want to have to pull all the purse strings and just quit spending until all of my options were spent and this was the absolute last option left. The very thing I really didn't want to do and it up being the only option I had toward ever getting a well needed car.  Thankfully though in my situation my dad's estate is still pending and I look to collect from a lawsuit. Now look at your situation. You don't want to cut your mom out of your life but look what she's doing to your health and well-being. You're trying to avoid having to cut her out of your life but it looks to me like this is the absolute solution you need and the only thing left because it looks like all other options have failed. Look long and hard at what's still standing that you haven't even considered that is most likely going to be the very solution you most need. Sometimes the very things we need are often the most avoided. I say caught her off and move on and let the state take over. Save your sanity and just walk away
Helpful Answer (1)

If there is one thing I have learned from four year of lurking (and sometimes posting my wordy responses) is that we do not owe our parents anything. In my case if I had been given the choice of birth or waiting for different parents, I would have waited for life. My mother is a HypoC, and a true narcissist. But I learned to love her again through my FIL Harry.
We are all in this excrement factory together. And please do not generalize that men do not have the right feelings. I do. So did my Father-in-law. Maybe we just do not want to talk about it too much.
My Father-in-law was the greatest man I ever met. Whenever I start to feel too resentful or weak about caring for family, I just think "what would Harry do?" He would forget himself and take care of others. So do I now.
My HypoC just tries to get attention. I do not buy it. I give her alternatives. If she says she is hurting, I tell her we need to go to the hospital and check it out. She did go a couple of times, and it cost a small fortune with no results. That is typical. The hospital will not find anything but a bill. Maybe a lesson, but so far it has not worked for me.  You need to think of yourself once in a while.  HypoC can be expensive.  
So how many of us have asked our parents if they had to care for a family member when they were our advanced age?  My mother finally realized that I am as old as some of the other residents in her community.  
Be strong, you caregivers. You are the best of the best. It is okay to get mad. Look out for yourself once in a while. Every one of you is a true hero whether you know it or not.
Helpful Answer (3)

I feel for you. My father is going to be 90 in a month, and he had some health changes this past summer. He is very manipulative mildly confused, and very demanding. He had to go to a rehab section of a nursing home. We (my siblings) had a meeting with his transition case manager (back to his apartment). She told us we needed to get together with each other and set limits. She said “He always gets his way, even at the expense of your lives, work, relationships and emotional well-being. “ She also told us that he was putting us against each other and we needed to have a united front.
We talked it over, talked through the guilt. We stopped letting him talk badly about a sibling. Found out he stopped calling those that refused to let him criticize those. Always nicely by saying, “Dad, all your children care about you so I won’t let you put them down.” He was calling some for emergency rides to the bank or store. We all started setting limits, told him what day we would take him. He has access to a senior shuttle for $2 a ride, but refuses because, “You have to call them the day before, and you might have to wait for an hour for them.”
You don’t have to stop caring, or helping. You can turn you phone off and let the messages pile up. She has people there to care for her in an emergency. You can tell her you will call her at a certain time on a certain day.
It is up to you to set limits. You only have one life to live and it is yours. You can be a kind and loving daughter without being manipulated. You are in control of you.
I have been in caregiving professions, worked with dementia and stroke patients in nursing homes and assisted living. It is sad to watch children of the elderly and sick people feel guilty, angry, and be manipulated by their parents.
You can be loving but also free if you set limits. Lots of people have been where you are-you don’t have to change your personality to change this situation. As the case manager told all 6 of us siblings-“You have to work together and you all have to get a stronger backbone so you can handle this with dignity and honor.”
Best wishes to you, and a big hug. This is a difficult time for those of us with toxic parents.
Helpful Answer (3)

Help4Eachother: You and your sister MUST detach from your mother, else both of you will fall ill.
Helpful Answer (2)

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
Mark Twain.

This means develop your OWN life. (In my case, I divorced a chronically depressed husband after 35 years together.)
No one is worth losing your mental health for.
Helpful Answer (2)

I have been thinking about your posting for a couple of days. Regarding Dementia, we know that loved one's earliest behaviors are one's that last the longest (first in,l ast out or last in, first out in accounting parlance)
Thus, I wonder if your mother exhibited similar attention seeking behaviors around her health much earlier in her life. By suggesting this, I am not in any way excusing her current behavior. I believe that current actions often have an antecedent. In other words, the behavior is rooted in the past.
When I am dealing with a difficult person, I often try to figure out how their past brought about the behaviors I see now.
Don't know if this will be of help to you and your sisters, but it could help you distance yourself from your mother.
My closing thought, there is little you or your sister can do to change her behavior, only can your behavior in relation to your mother. Good luck and stay strong.
Helpful Answer (2)

Part of me feels like because their lives sometimes become so boring and uneventful, that these "illnesses" and such become a source of excitement and attention. The woman I work for has lost most of her ability to listen and reason. Doctors, nurses, caregivers, and family have told her that she needs to eat and drink more, also, to walk around a bit for some excercise. She will take a few sips of a drink and refuse more saying she is flooded as it is. Sooo, now she's constipated, and feels sickly, she will take a laxative, get diarrhea then act like she has some mystery ailment. No, you took a laxative. Next, to stop the diarrhea, now she takes something to stop her from going. Now she is constipated again. She will not listen to anyone, and surely this is some kind of bowel problem that she needs a doctor for. She was a heavy smoker for years and now has COPD and a horrendous smoker's cough, but according to her, the cough is not from 50 yrs. of 2 packs a day, it is another mystery illness. The whole house smells like a giant Hall's cough drop yet this "mystery" cough continues. Not sure if her doctor has looked her in the eyes and said, "Your cough will not go away, you have permanently damaged your lungs. Period." Humoring them does not help. It's exhausting to say the least.
Helpful Answer (2)

You and your sister have issues from childhood to deal with. If that woman raised you, she’s done severe damage to you both. Your mom’s tantrums get to you because she’s trained both of you to be ‘victims’. You both should be seeing a therapist to work through the trauma your mother has inflicted on you.

She’s in a safe place and if she hates it there, then tough. How would she treat you or your sister if the roles were reversed? Yeah.

You may think I’m very harsh but that’s what it takes to get out in one piece. I routinely vomit after talking to either of my parents on the telephone. When I’m around them I can’t sleep or eat. It’s horrible. And my parents have always been this way. I couldn’t eat as a young kid until school started to give me freedom from home. Then I got hungry. I’m not going into the details but being around my parents is torture.

You can back away. Leave it behind you.
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