Follow
Share

My 67 year old Dad is disabled with MS and is bedbound. I'll be honest and say that we (me and my mom) are not getting along with Dad, so Dad is all for moving into a 1 bed by himself and having a caretaker care for him for, I'm assuming 12-24 hours a day. Dad would be asleep at night, so maybe not 24 hour care. I am asking for advice and tips on the RIGHT and LEGAL way to go along with his wishes. Advice on the first things I should do, or we should do, to go about it. Advice on some resources that could help us find a place for him, places specially for my Dad's situation.


Real quick, I have suggested for Dad to live in some sort of care facility, but each time I bring up the subject he just shakes his head, so it is rather clear to me he wants to just live in a 1 bed and have a care-taker tend to his needs.


Again, any advice on how to get the ball rolling? What are some of the first things I should DO and CONSIDER while looking for a place for my Dad.

I have read through all the posts, and I think you need legal advice. In California is a Common Law Marriage recognized? If yes, and your parents separate do they have to split the assets, debt and income?

If you dad leaves (how physically will he do this?), you need to know if your mother could be on the hook for his bills.

Some seniors who are otherwise 'with it' have magical thinking around money and how much care they need. I know my dad does. He has created a massive debt in a Trust and feels my brother and I can sort it out. Yeah right.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Tothill
Report

Right, you have no right to place him anywhere. Seems he found something. With his income he maybe able to get homecare thru Medicaid. Nothing wrong in being there for him. You just can't live together.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

An update on what's likely going to happen. My Dad has said he's already found a place for $750 and he said he'll be ready in two months. I have been warning about care-takers, the prices, and his income, and he just told me, "Don't worry about it."

Another note, while it may be true MS affects the mind like some of you have been saying, I am sure my Dad is still very much aware of his surroundings, enough so that I doubt we can call him "mentally ill", because, like I've said, despite being old and set to his ways, he is quite aware on what's going on.

So, here's a question. Can I just sit back and let him do his thing and let him worry about what can he afford with his income? Or will some organization, like the law, start to tell me otherwise and say me and my mom have a responsibility.

Because me and my mom cannot take him anywhere without his consent if he is mentally all there, right? Because I do not believe he's mentally ill, unless I ask his doctor to give a proper inspection. Thing is, my Dad has had MS for a long time, and never once has his doctor make any comments about his mentality to my Mom or to me.

Lastly, my Mom and Dad have never married. Just of couple people who had kids together and stayed with each other long as they did.

And everyone, I am grateful for your advice and will continue to warn my Dad about the cost and his low income. But as I've said, he merely tells me, "Don't worry about it."

Do I let him do what he wants? I have no right to place him anywhere without his consent right?
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Joshua317
Report

Josh contact your county department of social services. As a California resident and someone with a cousin that has had MS for almost 30 years, I can tell you that some of the information here isn’t really correct. California has a lot of assistance for people with MS. He may be able to get housing and care.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to worriedinCali
Report
Joshua317 Dec 6, 2018
Will consider the option. Thanks.
(0)
Report
Josh, you sound young. Are you and Mom aware of how MS effects every part of the body. The brain included? My cousin had MS and she did fairly well but its no picnic. A person with MS cannot handle stress. Some have respiratory problems. My cousin couldn't clean her house. She could fold clothes but not bend over to get them out of the dryer. She was fully dependent on her husband.

You need to realize that when people are sick they take their frustrations out on the ones they love. Can you imagine not being able to physically do for yourself and relying on others. Your Dad is probably depressed. If not being able to get along is something fairly new, then this has to be brought to the doctors attention. Maybe some physical therapy. MS does effect the brain.

www.nationalmssociety.org/Symptoms-Diagnosis/MS-Symptoms/Cognitive-Changes

You could call Medicaid and see if Dad could get some homecare. But remember, Mom is married to Dad and as such she vowed to care for him. There will come a time when she can't physically do this so LTC will be needed for Dad. Maybe this is it. With his income, Dad will not really have a choice. I doubt that an Assisted living would take him. They are not equipped for this kind of care. Dad has to understand, what he wants may not be possible.

Call the MS association and see if they have Seminars locally. I think you and Mom need to understand where Dad is coming from. They may even be able to help with resources.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report
Joshua317 Dec 6, 2018
Okay. I will check that out.
(0)
Report
Josh, try: https://www.nationalmssociety.org/

There is a whole section on Resources and Support, including a local search function.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Countrymouse
Report
Joshua317 Dec 6, 2018
Okay. Thanks.
(0)
Report
Josh, as others have pointed out, your dad cannot afford his plan.

Has anything been done to address his mental health issues? Is he being followed by a psychiatrist? Most folks with M.S. have issues with mood that can be helped through medication.

You say you dad is bedbound. Does he have a wheelchair? Can he use that?

Perhaps the place to start is your local Area Agency on Aging. Tell them you are looking for a needs assessment.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
Report

Josh, it sounds as though your father's ideas may not be workable financially. It may be a good strategy to write down the various options on paper, with the pros and cons of each option, including affordability. The options will include the facility choices he doesn't want, and might even include him staying at home with different behaviours - not something any of you want now, but the alternatives might be worse all round. Giving him the full complicated situation will be better than just putting up the objections verbally. Let him look at reality for each option. Best of luck!
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to MargaretMcKen
Report
Joshua317 Dec 6, 2018
Hehehe, for the past 7 days I've filled out over 10 pages. Believe me, I am writing things down so I won't forget.
(2)
Report
Joshua, I can empathize with your situation to some degree. Based on your dad’s income, he may qualify for Medicaid. If not, and he only gets 1600 per month, he won’t be able to afford a 1 bedroom apartment in Calif let alone have anything left to pay anyone for caring for him. I don’t know of a person alive who eagerly wants to move into a facility of some sort. We all grow old and nobody choses to be frail or ill. Sometimes stuff happens beyond what we want or hope or expect. Your dad may not want to go anywhere but reality is, unless he lives with relatives, he’s going to need to live someplace. You can help find him a safe and affordable place and your local welfare office can assist you with resources of where to search if he is income qualified. If he is mentally competent, he may have to do most of the work himself unless he has assigned POA to anyone. There’s a catch to what you are legally bound to do if you have been his caretaker. You cannot just stop nor kick him to the curb so to speak. You are obligated to assist him find a suitable alternative to be cared for and it may mean he won’t like the choices. You may wish to seek advice of an elder attorney to facilitate a legal move of your dad. Good luck to you.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Alzh101
Report

9 hours 7 days is minimum 63 hours per week. Care needs that high are seldom covered fully at home by IHSS. That high need level is better served in facility. Cost effective for state funding. It’s not always what we want if we are asking someone else to pay for it. But ask anyway, he may qualify for adult foster care which is in between.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Guestshopadmin
Report

Also please understand that Medicaid will probably not pay for more that 20 hours per week, depending on your state, in caregivers for at home care. Can he manage with only that amount of help?
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Guestshopadmin
Report
Joshua317 Dec 5, 2018
We live in Ca.

And yikes. Only per week? Yeah, I would say he would probably need more care time than that.

At least 9-12 hours per day rather than 24.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
The first thing I would do is get a medical professional to evaluate his abilities and needs and put together a care plan for you. Everything else could flow from that.

Start with his doctor. Ask for a referral to someone who can develop a care plan for you.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Marcia7321
Report
Joshua317 Dec 5, 2018
Cool. I'll do that.
(0)
Report
Joshua317, before Dad moves he needs to plan for every step needed. Since he is bedbound, he probably would need to have 3 shifts of caregivers. Otherwise, one caregiver would crash and burn rather quickly, and that caregiver would need some place to sleep if he/she is with Dad most of the time.

Here is one of most important thing, does Dad have the funds to pay for 2 or 3 shifts of caregivers? Why I asked is that my Dad had 3 shifts of caregivers and it cost him $20k per month, yes per month. These caregivers were from a caregiving agency.

If Dad hire through a non-agency, then Dad would need to contact his home insurance carrier and purchase "workman comp" insurance which is needed in case his caregiver gets hurt on the job.

As to finding an one bedroom apartment which would work for your Dad, the only places I know are Independent Living or Assisted Living facilities. Such places are $4k to $7k per month, depending on your Dad's needs. Chances are he wouldn't physically qualify for Independent Living, but would physically qualify for Assisted Living.

If Dad doesn't have the funds, then he can call his State Medicaid [different from Medicare] to see what the State can provide for him. Chances are a nursing home paid by Medicaid would be the answer if Dad qualifies for Medicaid. But is Dad really ready for a nursing home?

Now, I can understand why Dad wants to move out, he probably feels like he is a burden to the family. Instead of him moving out, why not hire a part-time caregiver to help your Dad during the day, to give your Mom a much needed break.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to freqflyer
Report
Joshua317 Dec 5, 2018
He's made it clear he doesn't want to be put into a nursing home or any care facility. He wants to be moved into a 1 bed and have care-takers from In-Home Services take care of him. And I probably shouldn't say this, but my Dad's income is only $1,600 and as far as I know, he doesn't have any savings, so I guess me and Mom will try to get in touch with his doctor and his insurance a perhaps develop a "care plan" as someone else called it.

And I'm sorry to say, but the reason my Dad is moving out is because me and Mom have not been getting along with him. It's pretty bad, and there are days where I truly hate his guts BUT I still have enough respect for him not as my father, but as a human being, so that is why I am going TRY to help him.
(1)
Report
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter