My dad says that I've spent his $$ & that I'm a "Cash Cow" . I ordered a chair for him( w/HIS permission) & have used Postmates to order wine for him after he's asked me to do so. He constantly has tantrums about not being able to open things or use the phone I gave him & is basically driving me up the wall. He was Ok until Covid & now that he doesn't go anywhere, he's become increasingly ill-tempered & Depressed.

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I had to place my sweet, sweet dad in a Skilled Nursing facility for 6 weeks. I had never seen or heard a harsh word out of him in my adult life.

But 3 days in the nursing home, I saw and heard a side of him that I didn't think I'd ever see. Left me in tears for days the way he talked to me on the phone.

Try not to take it personal. They are getting older and it's hard for them not to be able to go and do even little things like they use too. Imagine not being able to make a simple phone call, or not be able to figure out the remote control anymore. It's hard to see and hard to deal with as well.

Instead of adding to his anger, talk to him and assure him you'll do whatever you can to make things better. This is the only way I could calm my dad while in the nursing home. Dad was upset that the whole world was trying to kill him off. When I asked him what I could do to make things better, he really couldn't put his finger on any one thing. I tried to comfort him and told him things would get better and he needed to focus on the good things, then I listed all of the good things that I could think about.

When it was all said and done, he said he guessed he was over reacting. And which he was. Minor things were eating at him constantly. He would sit and dwell on everything. I would bring up happier times and we'd talk for 30 minutes about "the good old days" and believe me it calmed him in just a little while.

He was needing to let off steam from being cooped up in the nursing home.

As far as you spending his money, are you the POA? If so, buy what he needs and tell him YOU purchased it. Not him.

I also ordered dad a chair and told him I got a great deal on it and it was on sale. Which it was. I told him the original price and then told him the sale price. He was ok with the sale price. Now, anything I purchase for him to use, is "always on sale." Takes the edge off. Sticker shock isn't near as bad when its on sale.

Dad is home now and doing well. But he still gets irrigated when things don't go smoothly. So I show him what or how I'd do it as a reminder and he catch's on pretty quick. Gentle reminders...

You take care, and remember, don't take it personal. I know it's hard but its also hard on him to be loosing control of his coordination.

Always remember~~~~don't feed the fire.

Hugs to you for taking care of your dad.
Helpful Answer (4)

I'd say if it's possible to do so, that you should put some distance between you and your father.
You do not have to tolerate this kind of behavior from him or anyone else for that matter. If he calls and the berating and verbally abusive behavior starts up, hang up. If you're with him in person and it does, leave. Being old, or depressed does not give a person a free pass to behave abusively to others. Remember this.
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Your dad is 91 and it's his dementia/cognitive decline doing the talking. You can try redirecting the conversation to something neutral or pleasant and keep doing it, not allowing him to return to the cranking. When you've had enough just tell him you love him, that you'll talk to him again when he's in a better mood and just hang up. Next call have no expectations of how he will speak to you. What you're going through *is* hard, no doubt. Many here have been through it as well. May you receive peace in your heart about it.
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OP lives with father.

This is more than age decline. There is some Dementia here. I would take him to his PCP for a "yearly Medicare checkup". Writing down everything you have noticed. Paranoia about money, not being able to use the phone, etc. Hand that to the receptionist asking that the doctor read over it before he sees Dad.

If this is new behaviour then Dad may have had a mini stroke or has a UTI
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