My son and I watch movies at night in the adjacent room to where my father sleeps because it is the coolest room in the house. My father refuses to turn on the air because he insists it is too expensive. The house gets over 100 degrees in the summer. So at night my son and I watch tv in the room next to his, which is my room. My son is temporarily living here because he is going thru a nasty divorce. Some nights a movie may have a sexual scene. Recently he insisted that he heard us having sex and that it was my voice he heard and it was definitely us and not the tv that he heard. He became enraged when I told him he was wrong and insisted he knew it was me. I don’t know how to handle the situation because I live in the house. I am 61 years old and can’t bear the thought of moving again. He is totally delusional, this never happened and I don’t know how to handle it. Please, are there resources to help me?
As you will learn, it is impossible to argue with someone who has dementia. Often, the best response is to agree, acknowledge your father’s underlying discomfort if you can quickly identify it, and then divert his attention.
For example if he accused you of stealing his wallet: “Maybe I did take it. Let’s see if we can find it together.” Or if he accuses you of being mean to him: “I know the world feels cruel right now. I don’t like this either. But, we have each other, and we will get through it together.” Follow it up with a question about his favorite sports team or another diversion. There are are a lot of resources for caregivers. These examples came from the excellent book by Virginia Morris, “How to care for Aging Parents.”
Addressing thinking you had sex (with your son) in the room next to his, He is probably reacting to the noise issue: “Dad, I’m sorry we were loud last night. We will be quieter.” He’s used to a quiet house without anyone there!
100 degrees in the house is absolutely too hot, this is especially true for seniors who can’t regulate their temperature very well anymore. He is probably using poor judgment in other aspects of his life as well. It’s time for you to use all your creative powers to trick him (remember no arguing because logic won’t work) into taking better care of himself. Turn on the air when he’s asleep or when he won’t notice as much. Tell him that he received free AC from the company for being such a low cost customer and provide him with a certificate “from the company” to make this seem more real. Do what you need to do to care for him.
One last suggestion is that you look into Medicaid if money is an issue for long term care. You might even be able to be paid as his caregiver, depending on the regulations of your state. A free consultation with an eldercare attorney can answer many of these questions.
I think he has been alone too long and had unrealistic expectations of me. I don’t know how to reach his doctor. He doesn’t tell me any of that.
You shouldn't be forced to live in 100 degree heat.
Your dad needs to move someplace affordable.
You need to call his doctor and report the delusions (dad may have something like a UTI, or his dementia could be advancing).
I would do the following: report the symptoms to dad's doctor. Make a plan to move ( sorry). Offer to help dad find affordable accommodations and caregiving.
This is an unsustainable situation
Kudos for trying, but move on.
Am assuming that you live in his house, and unless you’re willing to live with these problems, you need to move. Yes moving is hard, but you’re only 61... depending on your father’s age, you will have years and years more of this. Use it as a chance to downsize and move.
Living in a 100 degree house would be enough to run me outta there!
If not, you need to move yourself and your son from these premises sooner rather than later. If your father does have dementia, I do not feel that your son should be living here. This is not a good dynamic, and of course the TV goes immediately. Sorry, but it simply does. You and your son don't spend time in your bedroom together while this delusional thinking is going on. Not to watch TV and not for anything else. While this is clearly delusional thinking, if Dad isn't demented then it is seriously crazy and scary. Even WITH dementia this is crazy thinking, and not safe.
Tell me that there are no guns in this house. We hear of guns having to be removed over and over again on the forum.
Ive been in this room all day. It’s actually a little cooler today..... only about 83 outside.... of course hotter in here with no air. It’s El Cajon CA. so warmer this time of year. I am still in disbelief
You won't convince him that he didn't hear you, but you might convince him that it wasn't your son.
This might be easier to get ac on if everyone that lives there is paying their far share. Which is only right. He shouldn't have to be paying for anyone's living expenses but his own. You may have to get a second job to make this work if he is now doing all his own care. In his eyes he is the caregiver.