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Dad is 88 and has always been extremely affectionate with my 84 yr old mom. Married for 65 years. Recently he has been severely overmedicating her and has become cold and unloving. He is out to prove that he is still competent and our caregiver has found a "stash" of mom's meds hidden in the house ( I live 700 miles away) He insists on continuing to give her meds regardless of the fact that the caregiver does this daily ( she has CHF and dementia) and trys to "beat" the caregiver to it. We just found out that too many meds were making her violently nauseated and we can't get thru to him that he needs to stop. He is agressive and verbally abusive to my mom based on caregiver reports. He still drives and is aggressive about that as well. He throws and breaks things when he is angry, uses inappropriate language and tried to force my mom to do his bidding.


I contacted his neurologist last week to have cognitive testing done at yesterdays appointment. I heard later from the GP stating that this was not done, in spite of a written request sent at the neurologists office request.


He is scaring me and I am afraid he will poison my mother to death.


If I was to put meds in combination lock box, he would beat it with a sledgehammer to get in. He tried to do something similar with a safe he has in the house that used to have guns, etc. Thank God those are with my nephews.


I am at a complete loss as to what to do. I have POA


Any suggestions are welcome.

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Your first priority needs to be your mother, she needs better care than your father is able to give her - I would get her into a facility ASAP, for at least a few weeks of respite while you deal with your father.
Next would be to try to stabilize your father, it could be burn out or he might have a UTI or some other infection (which often causes weird psychological effects in the elderly), whatever it is waiting isn't going to make anything better. It is going to be difficult to deal with any of this from afar, if possible boots on the ground will be better.
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“We cannot get thru to him that he needs to stop”.

Care at this stage ALWAYS starts with SAFETY. In your situation I’d get a large male “backup” into the house to support the caregiver, be a second set of eyes, furtively disable the car, and in general, take control.

I’d have GRAVE concerns about your mother AND your father. I think BOTH are vulnerable to a terrible outcome unless you move fast. Might your nephews have a large buddy or buddies who would do time in keeping things under control?
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Your mom isn’t safe, it’s going to take you going there as soon as possible to intervene. The caregiver is overwhelmed and can’t handle this. Please let us know what you find and the steps you take
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Ditto to everything Cwillie wrote. I would plan on being there with your dad for at least 1 week. Getting your mom placed will take some time as well. This will all seem chaotic at first and will get worse before it gets under control. Let us know how it goes!
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They go to primary care Dr for physical on Thursday. The caregiver is a little pistol and seems to do a pretty good job of controlling him, but I just had to call him before he would let me talk to my mom . Seems like he bounces back and forth fro loving husband to boogey man in the late afternoon... sundowners. I am in frequent ( like more than 3x a week) with the primary care folks and they are VERY aware of what is going on. I pray that they are able to assist me in getting my mom to a rehab facility or someplace she feels safe. In the meantime, we seem to have her stabilized ( CHF and diabetes) and have reduced meds significantly since I became aware of what was going on.
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