My dad is in final stage of home hospice care. I don't want to be here when he passes. Suggestions?

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Please do not take anybody's advice because you have to live with the decisions you make. I was with mom when she died and she looked at me, took two deep breaths and died. I never regretted that, and I thank God I was there. Because dead is gone forever. No looking back! Mom was at end-stages of Alzheimer's kept alive with a feeding tube so she never suffered or had to die of horrible dehydration. Mom's death was incredibly peaceful and the hospice nurse never had to open up that comfort kit. But I never regretted being with her to the very end. I thank God I was there. No guilt trips. She had the best of care.

When mom died I felt my role of caregiver was over, and I did not watch her body being removed. I found the most affordable cremation (cost total $800). No services. No need. She was gone. At that moment of death, she was gone and that is that. But while alive I did my very best with her, and she indeed lived a very comfortable life.

My sincere condolences. God Bless you for the caregiving of your dad. All the best to you in the New Year.

COProud, I’m very sorry for your loss. Your Dad is finally at peace and with your Mom. You are a wonderful and caring daughter and you were with your Dad when he needed you. Get through what’s required with your sister and then surround yourself with only those that love and support you. Sending hugs.

NHWM: I know, right in regard to SallyB's advice!

If you are absolutely sure that you will not regret NOT being there when he passes, just make sure that while he is still living you tell him that it's okay for him to go, that you will be okay, that you love him and that he will be with Mom soon.

Even if you don't think he will understand or is even listening to you - be sure to say it, because I believe that they do understand. Even at the final moments, especially in the final moments. I have not lost my parents yet (caring for them both now, Mom is in mid-stage dementia) - but I did loose my husband to cancer a few years ago. Being at his side was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but not being there would have been much, much harder.

That is why I know that when it's their time, I will (hopefully) be at their side telling them that it is okay to go.

Colorado, please accept my deepest sympathy, you alone know what you have been through, and you have been an Amazing Daugeter and Caregiver to your Father (and your Mom), so don't let anyone take that away from you. Now is the time to grieve and heal, and you don't need to be put under any pressure from your sister, let her take over her duties to your Dad now, you have done your part, the hardest part!

Be there to answer any pointed questions, and don't let her bully you, you can also go "grey rock" if you must, to protect yourself, he assigned her to be his executor for his own reasons, and leave it at that.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this most difficult time. Take Care!

Despite your rocky relationship with your dad and the ordeal of the last few months (esp dealing with a jerk sibling), my sympathies to you. At least the worst is over now and you can start looking to the future for you.

It is sad that the last moments had to be dealing with a moron, but as you have said, the healing can begin now! You did what you felt was the right thing to do and now you can hold your head up and move on. The nicest part is that going forward you don't ever have to deal with your sister, if you choose not to. That can be such a relief! Just because you share parents doesn't mean you have to share your life (going into it isn't for this topic, but I am done with my OB and if I never see or hear from him again, it won't bother me one iota!)

As someone else said, POAs end at time of death, so that part of her power trip is DONE. It will fall to whoever was named as executor in his will. If it is her, so be it. You can probably get a copy of his will and see for yourself what he wanted done and by whom. If he named you, an attorney can handle a lot of what needs to be done, with you signing. If he has named both of you, you can work through an attorney, to ensure you don't have to deal with her. The less contact, the better.

Take a nice deep breath and exhale a nice big sigh of relief!

It is not for everyone! My sister and I was with mom when she took her last breath! We didn’t want her to be by herself. Our niece who is a nurse was with my MIL recently when she passed. She waited until everyone else left. She had a room full an hour before. If you can’t handle it at this time that is ok! We do what we can!
DL

You don't have to be there for the "moment" - which is hard to determine the exact timing anyway. Visit with dad to express your love. Do whatever is loving for him and helpful for you.

As an RN, I have been, unfortunately, at many end of life events. Some patients will pass when they are all alone. Some patients will pass when all significant others are gathered around. It appears that they time their moments for whatever is most important to them and helps heir loved ones. So go visit with assurances that it will be ok whenever dad passes.

Colorado, I'm so sorry for your loss. Next step is to find the will to figure out the estate. If you don't want to participate and are named as executor or co-, the lawyer can be paid and you just sign. You did such a good job of honoring your dad.

CP, my condolences for your loss.

May God give you strength and grieving mercies during this time.

You spent 3 months on this journey with your dad, don't let anyone minimize how very much that meant to him or you. You gave of yourself when it mattered the most.

FYI, POA ends upon death, so your sister doesn't have the power. His will should say who the executors(s) will be. If you are named and don't want to do it, you can refuse. Just so you know.

Take care of you and your heart right now, hugs!

ColoradoProud,
We all feel for your loss and are here for support, if needed. I personally send you prayers and hugs!

ColoradoProud, I am sorry you had to go through this but your dad is at rest and you don't have that memory. ((Hugs))

I’m so sorry for your loss coloradoproud. Sending you a big hug & the strength to deal with your sister. At times like this, people really show you who they are. And yes you did enough, you did more than enough.

ColoradoProud,

I am so sorry for your loss. I am so happy that you followed your heart and did what was best for you.

You absolutely did not need to be there when he died. You are right by saying that you have done enough.

You were there the most by being your dad’s caregiver. Your sister was quite capable of handling his last hours. She was on her power trip. Your dad knew that you were there for him during all of his times of need.

I am sorry that your sister had an outburst. You were a wonderful caregiver to look out for your dad up into the end by asking about medication.

As you said, now comes the grieving and going forward with funeral plans. I surely hope your sister will behave herself. She hasn’t been very kind to you.

Sending you a bazillion hugs! Please lean on this forum for support. Take care. 💗

No on person can really give you an answer for how you feel. You may want to look past your feelings as hard as that is and just be there remembering who he was.

Coloradoproud, how are you doing?

Finding a way to cope with your sister?

Sending prayers for you, for strength, wisdom and comfort during this difficult time. Hugs!

Coloradoproud,
Please reconsider. You might regret not being there.
Ignore your sister. You are not there for her if she annoys you.
Do it for your father.
After all, you are the one who has been there with your father all this time.

If you don't want to be there and have that as your last living memory of him, say your goodbyes and leave your sister to it. I wasn't there when either of my parents passed, though I was on the way to visit my dad. I was present when an elderly friend passed and I wish I hadn't been. He wasn't conscious and it is not a good last memory of a wonderful man. (I'm on this board for my MIL, not my own parents.)

SallyB gave you stellar advice in my humble opinion.

I think your more against being there because of your sister and her temper , sounds like your tired and frustrated by her at the same time. My Father is 87 and was put on hospice just today and my oldest sister is here visiting from out of state for the holidays, she’ll be leaving Monday and I refuse to inform her and to tell her anything anyone, I try to tell her for the past 2 yrs about his condition and she didn’t come now she been her for a week and only visited him once for an hour I figured if she cared she would go see him again but she haven’t I text her but she’s not replying so don’t let your sister get in the way just stop by when ever you can to see your father for a few minutes kiss him and that’s good enough he knows you been there good luck God Be with you

If a person would go and not sincerely want to be at their bedside it is a hypocritical gesture. So why go? It could also cause them psychological harm. I seriously doubt that a dying person would want that for the person who cared for them.

SO DO NOT GO BECAUSE OTHERS WANT TO MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY OR BECAUSE THEY WENT AND IT WAS RIGHT FOR THEM!

We are individuals that are not carbon copies of each other.

Please listen to what the wise poster from hospice had to say, as SallyB, said, “Some of us are meant to do this, but most are not. That does not mean there is anything wrong with those who can’t. We are all different.” Thanks SallyB.

We can say goodbye in our own heartfelt way if we are not there.

To SallyB
I like your vigil phrase that "The right person was in the room when the person died." That is comforting. I was in the room with my husband when he died, but asleep (on the floor). Shane1124 mentions being guilt ridden after being asleep when her mother died, but it is more helpful to believe the dying person made the choice.

In response to rhonda368 and Davenport, who asked if I would share the poem I read to my mom on her last day:

This is the poem:

Holding On

When holding on another day
begins and ends with your dismay.

Then holding on is letting go
of who you are and what you know.

Make this the moment of your birth
for you are made of more than earth.

Let that which is within you sing
It has no hands but only wings.

(Rick Rever
13 December 2017)

Interesting, in that the chaplain said to us -- birth does not just mean when you were born into this world, but also your birth into the next world.

The last lines -- Let that which is within you sing
It has no hands but only wings.

My mom was a singer from childhood, though not professionally and instead birthing and raising nine children. We all sing. The music in her room was set to the Jazz Classics station, always on. In recordings I've made during my visits you can always hear it in the background. A few days before she died Tony Bennett sang "Somewhere Over The Rainbow", and I quietly chimed in with Tony while lying next to my mom.

(She also loved ZZTop, The Ramones, Al Green, and on and on.)

I have had a very difficult relationship over 4 decades with my father. He actually passed away a couple of days ago in hospital and i was not there when it happened. I did not see him or speak to him for one week before he died. I had a call from the hospital telling me had passed. I count it as a blessing for him and for me. He was suffering too much for 7 years with vascular dementia. He became more and more difficult as he declined. It is a raw feeling but at least now i feel free. It feels as if the shackles have been removed. I lived with him for many years, helped him, did everything i could, sadly none of it was appreciated. Now at 44 i have to start my life. I can now only pray that he is in a better place and that his soul will rest in peace. I hope you manage to get things sorted for yourself. I regret not seeing him or speaking to him before he died but that was because i was far away from home when he died and i couldn't call him because he had no phone. I wish i had just seen him for the last time, but i doubt it would have changed the dynamics of a very toxic relationship

Coloradoproud please do what you feel comfortable with. What is correct for those other posters is fine for them but not you & no one should guilt you over it.

I was in the room asleep when my mom passed. I had every intention of being awake and in tune to the moment. Mom was breathing laboriously- not panting nor Cheyne Stokes - and I feel asleep to the sound of her breathing. When my brain didn’t hear the sound of her breathing I awoke startled, looked over and mom was no longer breathing. She must have just passed.

I think my mother wanted it that way - for me not to see her take her last breaths. I was guilt ridden for a while but got over it in about a year.

Sometimes the person transitioning from this life makes the decision for you, which is what I am trying to say.

I suggest just being with him and make him comfortable- comb his hair, gently moisten his lips. Put yourself in the moment to give your dad reverence at the end.

Do what you feel is right. He’s your dad and you love him. Only you two know of the nuances in your relationship. Go with your feelings. You’re already showing him respect. Prepare yourself to say goodbye comfort yourself in that you are a good daughter.

I am sorry you are going through all this.

Sorry, if this is too late.

I had the same fear as you do. Stay with your father and talk to him, even if he’s in a unresponsive state. Thank him. He’ll be listening.

Don’t run. Please face it.

You are the one who can make that decision and sometimes no matter what you do you can’t please everyone.
i personally chose to stay and although it’s one of the hardest things to do I didn’t want dad or mom to come out of their comatose state and not be there with them. That being said I had nightmares for quite awhile as sometimes they don’t always go easily.
You do what your heart tells you. Your daddy would most likely understand 🌹💕.
Hugs and prayers

I have already posted but I want to reiterate that this is your choice alone. Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty about not being there if you are unable to be with him. Not your sister or anyone else. Your dad knows that you care.