My dad is in final stage of home hospice care. I don't want to be here when he passes. Suggestions?

coloradoproud, there are times when a parent may not want anyone in the room when they pass. They want to pass quietly without an audience.

Say your final good-byes to Dad and let him know it is ok to go, that you will be fine. I did that with my Dad, he was in a coma state, and he passed in the wee hours of the morning. His caregiver was with him, and she had called me. For me, I believe my Dad didn't want me to witness his transition.

This is a very personal decision.

You've already been through this with your mother, so you know end of life is rarely as depicted on TV. So, if you decide you just can't be there to watch your father die, then say your goodbyes now, and let your sister and hospice nurse(s) be there physically. Just because you may be out of the room doesn't mean you are not "there." That being said, please do not let your relationship with your sister influence your decision. Make up your own mind and let your sister know.

It's o.k. if your emotional journey ends before your father's physical journey.

All the best to you and your family!

What's the dilemma?

You have been caring for your father for a long, long time and this final ordeal is too much. You don't want to be there.

Your sister is arriving tomorrow, you don't get on with her, and you don't want to be there.

So that's two good reasons to make yourself scarce. Is there any reason you might want to stay?

I second all of those who encouraged you to take advantage of hospice services. I am a direct care hospice volunteer and am on a team that specifically does vigils. Our team does two hour shifts 24/7 when a family member cannot be with their loved one, but does not want them to be alone. You should not feel guilty in the least if you cannot or do not want to be there when your father passes, particularly given the situation with your sister. Some of us are meant to do this, but most people are not. That does not mean anything is wrong with those who can't. We're just different. Hospice is meant to be there for you as well as your father. Explain the situation to them and I'm sure they can provide guidance to you. Best wishes to you.

Everyone is different. If you don't want to be there, don't let people guilt you into thinking you should. I was not present when either of my parents died, and in fact, never saw either one's corpse. I did not want to remember them lying in a coffin so I never viewed the body and both had closed coffin funerals. It is more important how you treated them when they were alive than to be there as they draw their last breath.

You have received many wide and varied views on being there or not being there, but only you know the true answer, and should honor your own wishes.

I believe that you should take a few moments with your Dad when he is lucid and tell him how much you love him and tell him that if you are not there at his passing, that it is OK, and that you will be alright, and that it is OK for him to let go.

Don't let any part of your feelings on the matter be guided or guilted by anyone else, they are your feelings and yours alone, and are perfectly normal and understandable. Your Dad knows you have been there all along in his journey and he understands exactly how you feel, you are his daughter after all, they do know these things. Hopefully your sister will now step up to the plate and have her own special moments with her Dad, you have done your fair share., and your Dad knows.

I pray that his transition is swift and peaceful, and do know that you have been an Amazing Caregiver to him. Love and Peace to you and your family during this difficult time.

When your sister arrives, fly the coop! You have done enough. It’s so hard watching someone decline.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Hugs!

Frqflyr is right. Say your goodbyes, and Thank him, and tell him how much you love him. Just know that death is okay. It is better for the people who are going than the loved ones who are here left to live on for another moment in time.


Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

dont be there and dont feel guilty- you have been helping your dad all these years- it is not important to watch him take his last breath- remember the good times and you having a good life is I am sure all your dad would want from you. Take care I know it can be tough - my husband went through this with his dad-

Find a way so you won't be there. When sis shows up high tail it out of there. Is there a friend that you could stay with? Hospice provides respite care paid by Medicare. Ask hospice to get that lined up. Tell them you can't and won't do this. They will find a solution. It won't be the first time they have heard this.