My Dad with dementia had his second intestinal blockage last week.. the first one was in January and cleared and he was able to go home and eat normally .. until last week.
This week has been like being in hell.. there are so many things I'm dealing with now. I am medical power of attorney so had to ultimately make the decision to go on palliative care (although this is what the doctors recommended as he would not live through the surgery required to fix this).
So enter all the uninvolved siblings. One who hadn't even seen my Dad in 5 years. The other 2 have fairly limited involvement with my parents (who are both in memory care with dementia).
My siblings and I had a conference call and everyone seemed to be on the same page... I took him for the 2nd time to the ER.. 8 hours there.. then they admit him..and put him on an IV and see if it clears again. The next day his stomach was soft so they gave him some food and he projectile vomited.. he was supposed to be released that day.
And so he went down hill from there. My sister started to get crazy. She started to blame me, she even called me a murderer for putting him on hospice. Said that if I cared about him I would do everything to save him... kept texting me to take him off hospice, got a wild idea she would take mom and dad home with her (to save them from me and my bad care)..take him out of the facility they are in and move them a thousand miles away.. this was just a few days ago mind you.
The other sister (the one that hasn't even seen my dad in 5 years) started to text me about that she needs to see his living will, his power of attorneys, all paperwork. All this while my Dad lay dying. After I had to go through the hospitalizations all alone, I had to have an emergency call to my attorney because this really scared me. She was planning something. My attorney said she didn't have a chance to do anything as my POA's would stand.
All this and now my Dad is dying probably in his last days of life. I was his caregiver for the last 5 plus years, by his side through everything. He is almost like my child now. The others don't have the relationship with him that I do, but they sure like to play up the tears. They take time up in his room and when I go there I am uncomfortable with them there. Both sisters who were uninvolved in care questioning every move I made with them.
Its so hard. I feel so alone. They are banned together and in town, hanging out together. Although I can't imagine spending time with them now, they have said things that can never take back.
Nobody cares how I am doing. I am grieving and this is hitting me harder then I ever thought. I never imagined my 2 sisters turning on me like that in the worst possible time. I knew they were both extremely selfish, but this is unimaginable.
If you already have POA for your mom, be sure to exercise it. Tell the facility your mom is not to leave the premises with any unauthorized individuals (siblings included) for fear that they will remove her from care.
Be there and be as calming an influence as you can with your folks. Dad especially. Those in hospice need calm, soothing environments. My MIL just passed a couple weeks ago after 2 weeks in hospice (colorectal cancer stage 4).
I think you and the physicians are wise to forego surgery. 13 years ago, my grandmother had a bowel obstruction at age 84. She seemed ok for surgery. But still, after surgery she was put on life support. Tubes and wires, machines breathing for her...her last days were spent this way. She passed a few hours after being removed from support at doctor’s advice. She never did wake up after surgery. Would have rather she not have gone through a painful surgery and a tube down her throat for her last days. You are, I believe, doing things right by your dad.
Get things sorted with Mom, provide comfort and then grieve for your Dad. Your siblings can fuss all they want, but if they truly cared they would have had more power in all this to begin with. Keep the focus, keep your faith, and know you have everyone here for you. Much love and peace.
https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill
If you're like me, the shock and disbelief of what they've said and done is overwhelming and the hardest part to deal with. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I've had to just accept that my sisters weren't the people i thought they were. They damaged our relationship in ways that can't be fixed. Best wishes to you.
I am in a very similar situation. I just wanted to send you love to help you through this difficult time. Fortunately, I have 1 great sister and 3 not-so great siblings. My friends and colleagues have been very supportive. Still, it's a long, hard haul. Let's walk this journey together. I am here if you need to vent. Take good care of yourself. I had a massage today... have you had one lately?
Much love and light to you!