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My Dad with dementia had his second intestinal blockage last week.. the first one was in January and cleared and he was able to go home and eat normally .. until last week.


This week has been like being in hell.. there are so many things I'm dealing with now. I am medical power of attorney so had to ultimately make the decision to go on palliative care (although this is what the doctors recommended as he would not live through the surgery required to fix this).


So enter all the uninvolved siblings. One who hadn't even seen my Dad in 5 years. The other 2 have fairly limited involvement with my parents (who are both in memory care with dementia).


My siblings and I had a conference call and everyone seemed to be on the same page... I took him for the 2nd time to the ER.. 8 hours there.. then they admit him..and put him on an IV and see if it clears again. The next day his stomach was soft so they gave him some food and he projectile vomited.. he was supposed to be released that day.


And so he went down hill from there. My sister started to get crazy. She started to blame me, she even called me a murderer for putting him on hospice. Said that if I cared about him I would do everything to save him... kept texting me to take him off hospice, got a wild idea she would take mom and dad home with her (to save them from me and my bad care)..take him out of the facility they are in and move them a thousand miles away.. this was just a few days ago mind you.


The other sister (the one that hasn't even seen my dad in 5 years) started to text me about that she needs to see his living will, his power of attorneys, all paperwork. All this while my Dad lay dying. After I had to go through the hospitalizations all alone, I had to have an emergency call to my attorney because this really scared me. She was planning something. My attorney said she didn't have a chance to do anything as my POA's would stand.


All this and now my Dad is dying probably in his last days of life. I was his caregiver for the last 5 plus years, by his side through everything. He is almost like my child now. The others don't have the relationship with him that I do, but they sure like to play up the tears. They take time up in his room and when I go there I am uncomfortable with them there. Both sisters who were uninvolved in care questioning every move I made with them.


Its so hard. I feel so alone. They are banned together and in town, hanging out together. Although I can't imagine spending time with them now, they have said things that can never take back.


Nobody cares how I am doing. I am grieving and this is hitting me harder then I ever thought. I never imagined my 2 sisters turning on me like that in the worst possible time. I knew they were both extremely selfish, but this is unimaginable.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I am a wife with step children that thought they should swoop in and take their Dad back to the state they live in immediately. He hit me and then ran and called them and said he wanted to leave me. He is not a hitter and today was the very first time he has ever struck me. I know it is the disease. They have not been around much, if at all in the last 10 years I have been with their Father... Now legally; All POAs in place and married to husband their Dad for 7 years. So I totally get how you feel, I think I am being kind and taking care of this sad sick demented person asking nothing from them ever and they just automatically think oh let's swoop in and take over. Holy Hannah. I pray they live to regret their treatment of a lady that was the only true advocate for their Dad. You Hang Tough. We on this page are here for you. Anytime.
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Reply to TiredinFL
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Hugs to you Katiekay!
I am in a very similar situation. I just wanted to send you love to help you through this difficult time. Fortunately, I have 1 great sister and 3 not-so great siblings. My friends and colleagues have been very supportive. Still, it's a long, hard haul. Let's walk this journey together. I am here if you need to vent. Take good care of yourself. I had a massage today... have you had one lately?
Much love and light to you!
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Check out this link. I've had to use this with my 2 sisters.

https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill

If you're like me, the shock and disbelief of what they've said and done is overwhelming and the hardest part to deal with. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I've had to just accept that my sisters weren't the people i thought they were. They damaged our relationship in ways that can't be fixed. Best wishes to you.
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TaylorUK Apr 23, 2019
An interesting article and one I'll certainly take bits from - not always easy to do but one can certainly see the benefit :)
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My sister did the same thing. Mom signed her on Advanced Care Directive. I was POA and my sister kept trying to get me to call an ambulance from the hospice facility. She fed her food after she was told not to by nurses (because of choking). At her funeral, she stood in front of mom's coffin and said her death was all my fault. We are speaking occasionally now (This was five years ago.) but it still left a mark. By the way, she lived next door to her all her life and never helped her. I also put one brother on notice he would be booted out of the hospital if he didn't behave and told another brother to take his circus act (wild young ones) home. I am sorry about your dad. You are not alone - we are here.
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GratefulUriel May 12, 2019
Wow! Our stories are all eerily similar. Many thanks to everyone who is posting their thoughts and situations. It's nice to know we are not alone. I have been finding great comfort here. I am grateful.
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So sorry this is happening to you. My brothers did the same to me and yes it can cause division that can never be restored. Sounds like they are making you the scapegoat which is their own sick way of projecting their bad (possibly guilty) feelings onto you. Be prepared for how much uglier it can get. But hold your head high - you are the strong one!
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Oh KatieK... sending you much love and peace.
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There was a reason dad chose you. He may have know your sisters would go contrary to HIS wishes. You are doing the right thing by helping him to not suffer if care was continued
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Katie....I’m so sorry for everything you are going through.

If you already have POA for your mom, be sure to exercise it. Tell the facility your mom is not to leave the premises with any unauthorized individuals (siblings included) for fear that they will remove her from care.

Be there and be as calming an influence as you can with your folks. Dad especially. Those in hospice need calm, soothing environments. My MIL just passed a couple weeks ago after 2 weeks in hospice (colorectal cancer stage 4).

I think you and the physicians are wise to forego surgery. 13 years ago, my grandmother had a bowel obstruction at age 84. She seemed ok for surgery. But still, after surgery she was put on life support. Tubes and wires, machines breathing for her...her last days were spent this way. She passed a few hours after being removed from support at doctor’s advice. She never did wake up after surgery. Would have rather she not have gone through a painful surgery and a tube down her throat for her last days. You are, I believe, doing things right by your dad.

Get things sorted with Mom, provide comfort and then grieve for your Dad. Your siblings can fuss all they want, but if they truly cared they would have had more power in all this to begin with. Keep the focus, keep your faith, and know you have everyone here for you. Much love and peace.
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Reply to Miranova
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((((hugs)))) katie. It is so easy to get sucked in again thinking they really do care. BTDT several times. Yes she had, and has an agenda. It would not be good for your mum or for you. You know what s right and best for your mum. Meanwhile don't share too much with sis about anything My experience is that they use it to hurt you. Protect yourself. You are doing a wonderful job for your mum and dad. Prayers for you, for your mum and your dad to be at peace.
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Update..

Dad is still with us and struggling.

One of my sisters (the one that wanted to move mom 1000 miles) came to my door today out of the blue.. wanted to make up and apologized. We went out to eat and talked.. then.. at the end of the meal.. she brings up..Mom moving 1000 miles away.. again. Says she can better care for her since she isn't working. etc etc

Now I am pretty sure the only reason she came over is to weasel her way to move mom.. she really thinks she can do a better job. There is no way I will let her go with her.. a couple of days ago she seemed so unstable.. the one calling me a murderer.

I think she sees how it is now.. with all these visitors.. and me calming mom down... and thinks this is how it will be in the long run.. think again.. everyone will slide away quickly.. the drama aspect will be gone.. it will go back to being mundane care .. and she will want to move on to something else.

The more I think of it the madder I get.. I was thinking at first she actually cared about me.

I told her when you caregiver for a long period of time.. they begin to seem like your child.. you grow. a bond with them. I told her I am also going to grieving my Dad who was an everyday part of my life for many years. My mom and I need each other and if moved away she will leave everything that is familiar to her.. of course this fell on deaf ears.

She also was telling me of all the get togethers and fun they all had through the week.. of course leaving me out .. and no prob with that. I feel like I fell into her trap.. thinking she cared about me for a brief moment.
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PandabearAUS Apr 19, 2019
I hope you have financial POA as well as medical. I smell a rat
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I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. How heartbreaking. I have recommended this book before but will do so again: “Crucial Conversations: Tools for talking with the stakes are high “. Is it possible to have your family physician talk with them so that they have a reality check (again). Do you have a therapist for yourself? Big hug
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katiekay Apr 20, 2019
Yes.. I have been going to a therapist for the last 2 years.
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No, they don’t care how you are doing. And you do not have to do anything they say or ask. You keep doing what you need to do, and let the chips fall where they will. And NO GUILT. Take care of yourself.
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Yes, this is unimaginable and hard to understand... I am walking in your shoes but with 2 Brother’s who are emotionally removed and calling me the “over emotional” one!! You keep on keeping on, because you are doing the best you can given the circumstances.... your sisters’ behaviors is most likely caused by guilt and fear, although I am not trying to be a “judge”; I too, could not understand why I was unable to get my brothers to discuss Mom’s issues, then I realized that there are some things that we will never understand. I chose be present with Mom IN THE MOMENT. You can do that too! If you have a spiritual guide, call upon them for guidance. I will send you prayers for strength and guidance.


;
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I started acting out... my brother said : KILL THE MESSENGER !

Finally figured it out. I finally understood what he meant.

BREATHE TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME, QUALITY DAYS.... REMINISCE
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YOU FOR GOT TO LOOK AT ONE THING. Is he tired? he may be done. This may be the reason Hospice was sent in to help. The are wonderful poeple. Mom graduated of hospice 2 times.

We all seem prepared for it, but we really aren't. It's one parent first... ok... then zap the next one goes 2 -15 years or so, and instantly - ORPHAN! These feeling will subside at some point. Then just talk to them. It feels good. good times and not so good times, but i think they hear us.

One step at a time. tell him he is loved. do not argue.... just say I love you dad. I will see you tommorrow. It is ok.

Hopefully you can see him to tomorrow.
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First of all: YOU ARE NOT GOD !!!!!

This was planned way before you took your job as POA.

YOUR JOB NOW IS - KEEP DAD COMFORTABLE. ` HOSPICE IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED. THEY DO THE EVALUATION, YOU SHOWED THEM THE POA, NOW HAVE --POLST--- on board, PHYSICIANS ORDER LIFE SUSTAINING TREATMENT. BIG PINK SLIP.. DOCTOR MUST SIGN IT. AND MAKE COPIES, YOU KEEP THE ORIGINAL. SEND WHOOEVER WANTS IT ,A COPY WITH DR. PHONE NO ON IT. TWO MORE COPIES ONE OVER HER BED AND ONE IN THE FOLDER.

THIS IS CALLED LIFE IN THE RAW... Yup, I was your sisters. I called my bro every day and his wife b*thcing ME out cuz they didin't want to hear my nonsense. What is going on with dad..... Dad came home. My other brother and me took care of him as well as we could.

FIL COMES DOWN WITH CANCER. my hands are tied. not my dad. mil comes down with something. not my mom. But I have to keep their tummies working right. and MY mom. hers too. Making protein shakes to help fix all of them.

YUP --- THEY ALL HAD THEIR KIND OF CANCER..... IM THINKING ALZ IS A FORM OF CANCER. YOU GOT TO CALL IT AS YOU SEE IT.......

HOSPICE IS GOOD. THEY GIVE YOU TH EXTRA HELP SIBLINGS CAN'T, they will give you what dad needs. they will evaluate in a couple months.

PALLITVIE CARE ...... is in the between stages of taking LO to doctor or doctor to your house. EITHER WAY U ARE IN GOOD CARE.

THIS IS THE RIDE OF YOUR LIFE (family's life) STAY IN YOUR SEAT, BELT ON. NO LOOSE ARTICLES (cus you know they will start flyin aroung), all hands and feet inside the ride until it STOPS !!!!

EVERYONE AND I MEAN EVERYONE WILL SAY;;; BUT IF YOU DID THIS....

Yes, I did this. Doesn't help anything.

DAd will get tired, and slow down. it happens, confustions, frustration. it happens spend the quality time with him NO ARGUMENTS NO RAISED VOICES.

BE HAPPY DO NOT CORRECT HIM

FEED HIM =TASTY THINGS WHATEVER HE LIKES.

BS things can be taken back if honest.. A P O L O G I Z E

Just know in your heart, you are one taking FULL RESPONSIBILITY

IT IS OKAY. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY.. YOU WERE THERE WHEN DAD NEED SOMEONE MOSTLY IN HIS CORNER..... TAG U R IT
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It is Easter week. I am thinking of Jesus and how one from His inner circle sold him for the price of a slave, His most boastfully dedicated friend denied Him three times before morning, and all of His dearest friends ran away from him in terror, scattered like sheep before wolves and left Him to face death alone.

Katie, you are being abandoned, accused, sanctioned, criticized, set up, mocked, ridiculed, scorned and abused in a similar fashion as was the Lord of Life.. And why? Ultimately it is because Satan hates families. He will tear them apart any way he can. And he's going to pick a time when we are most vulnerable, so we need to resist his devices and ask our Father for help.

Close out the distractions with a wall of prayer. Soften your heart with the sunshine of God's infinite love, and water theirs with tears of forgiveness and compassion. For the sun shines and the rain falls on the righteous and the wicked alike. Let there be healing and saving grace for your family at this time, is my prayer for you all, in the loving name of Jesus, Amen.
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Katie, when they ask why he shouldn't have the surgery, have the doctor paged.

It's the doctor's job to explain this, not yours. Peace to you!!
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Oh Katie,

I am sorry about your dad and I am so sorry that your family don't understand what is really going on with your dad's health. I am afraid that is probably what really is going on, your sisters don't understand that your dad is not strong enough for surgery and just how long the surgery could take; how anastasia could affect your dad and just how many things can go wrong. There is no guarantee that your dad would survive the surgery. If his Dr highly recommended hospice then he/she believes that your dad probably won't make it off the table. Sorry!

Your sisters might be scared not saying your not because it is extremely hard to be the one who has to make life and death decisions, especially being your dad. I wish your sisters were supporting you, however, sorry to say, your situation is not uncommon. During life stressful events such as this can make a family rip each other apart.

After my dad passed my mother and brother turned against me and I felt so betrayed by my mother. It broke my heart. The worst part is, I felt like I got side blinded by my mother and I don't think I will ever get over it. But I know the Lord was and is with me as He is with you. This to shall pass.

Please take care of yourself. I know right now you are hurting because of your dad and because of what your sisters are doing. But someone once told me, you only have to answer to God and yourself and God knows the truth and you know the truth, that is all that matters.

Remember you are doing what is best for your dad out of love!

God bless you in your time of need.
Hugs!!!
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I'm so sorry. At a moment they should be saying thank you and comforting you, your family brings the sh!tstorm of their own drama. I just want to say, I see you, Katie, and you are to be commended for trying to live up to your obligations your dad set out for you. Family, like other people, really show you who they are in times of crisis, don't they? I think the hardest thing is the disappointment, that people who one shares blood with, find it acceptable to try to cut you down.

Sending good thoughts your way tonight. Walk in peace. I suspect years from now, you'll be the only one who can look back at your actions without embarrassment.
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BlackHole Apr 18, 2019
Seconding Anita.

And as smeshque said, “Let them play their parts, you know the truth.”

Indeed, your poor mother. The Greek chorus and all their play-acting is probably (literally) making your mother’s head spin. Chaos and drama are very difficult for a dementia patient to process.

Biggest hugs, katiekay. 🤗You are a wonderful daughter. 💙
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The other thing they are doing is blaming me (the medical power of attorney) basically for his death. They had my mom ask me why he can't have the surgery for the bowel obstruction tonight. My sister said.. explain it to her.. why he couldn't have the surgery... you were there.. not me. I think they find it more comfortable to put the whole thing on me... even though we all discussed the options before putting him on hospice.

The doctors recommended. (highly recommended) against not having the surgery... add to that he is an 87 year old man with co morbidities. ..and dementia.

I know I did the right thing.. but it is so hard to have my mom look at me and with a shaky voice say.. why can't he have the surgery?? he is strong enough?? and my siblings just sit there and be judgmental.. like he was dying because of me.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 18, 2019
Katie,

Your sister said it herself, “She was not there!” Who was there? You! You were always there! I’m so proud of you for not second guessing yourself. Hold your head high, Katie.

Your mom doesn’t deserve any of this mess either. I feel for you and your mom.
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My heart goes out to you...
I understand the additional stress this may be creating, but you need to take care of yourself. I have a very similar situation with my brother and have decided to just block and ignore him. My health is more important and you must find a way to let it go.
Good luck and God bless you for being a caregiver for your Dad...
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Thank you all for your replies. It helps to know there are others out there who understand.

I just came from seeing my Dad. I got there early because I knew there lazy asses wouldn't be there. Eventually a couple of hours later they showed up. My Dad started to talk some.. just a few words.. not much.. and they all crowded around to see if they would be the one he responded to. My 2 no good sisters started their histrionics crying and carrying on.. then my brother starts bawling.. then my sister in law (brothers wife) starts crying.. then they all comfort each other.

Me and my mom just sitting there. With all the hystriocics my mom starts shaking. I had asked the nurse if mom could have something for anxiety so she could get some rest. The nurse came in and my sister was rude to her and said she needed to be awake so she could visit with her company... my mom looked so tired.. (she also has dementia and is in the same memory care as my dad).

I know some say I should kick them out of the memory care.. and I could. The only reason I haven't is for my Dad.. he gets something out of talking to them and still probably sees them as the kids they used to be.. as does my mom.. not the vipers they have become.

I excused myself and left and I am back at home. I will probably stay here till this evening and hopefully they will leave by the time I go again. It literally sickened me to see them crying like that. Obviously they have bonded over there lack of care for them during the years.
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NYDaughterInLaw Apr 18, 2019
Call the nurse and get your mother that sleep aide.
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I am so sorry! (((((((hugs))))))
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Hugs Katie! 💗
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KatieKay, it sounds like your siblings are not very informed, reasonable or sensitive to the true needs of your father. Thank goodness you are. While it's rough, I'd try to find solace in the fact that you are and that you have done things properly for your father. I hope you can find support for yourself. Have you spoken with the Hospice social worker? The one I have with my LO is so helpful and supportive. She's told me to call her anytime for anything that I need, just to talk or meet with her. It's tough to do this alone. Keep up your spirit and take care of yourself too. I hope things will get better for you and that you will have support as you go through this.
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No it's not......and you know it. They've clearly shown signs of their entitlement before this but don't let it get to you. Kick them out of your Dad's room the next time you see them. Let them know how much damage their inability to care has caused you by saying, in no uncertain terms, that they are NOT welcome to attend your Dad's funeral. If they had questions about how you were handling your Dad's care, why did they wait until now to gang up on you? Ask them that, then make them leave.
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You've heard of gesture politics? Well, this is gesture caring, fuelled no doubt by guilt over their not having done anything much for the last five years, like be around or lift a finger.

I had a red mist moment for you just then, reading your post, and my imagined response to the Let Me Through I Will Save Him You Murderers sister was "if you can't calm down, f**k off." Even if you are not the sort of person who would send or say this, I do think it would help you to think it as you calmly delete her texts or voicemails.


Bureaucrat sister - tell her you're fine with that. Soon as she likes she can come and get the keys, pick up the paperwork and browse to her heart's content. But, she'll have to forgive you, you're a bit busy right now. What with your father's end of life to cope with, alone, and everything.

I'm sorry, I'm afraid I won't be helping, but I'm just seething for you. Don't be deflected by this crap, do whatever you need to do to ignore them.
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NYDaughterInLaw Apr 18, 2019
I agree with everything, Country. I keep most red mist moments to myself while I'm ignoring the do-nothings in this family.

When I first started my caregiving journey, I kept my BILs apprised of what was going on with their parents thinking it would help my husband. It didn't. So now that it's just FIL, hubby and me, I keep to myself. When a do-nothing comes fishing for information, I quickly excuse myself and end the conversation.

Katie - you know the truth and you know what's important. Do not let your sibs distract. You do not need to explain yourself - or your dad - to your sibs. You are your dad's POA and no one is entitled to see his private information. All of that will be a job for his attorney after he has passed.

You are a good daughter. Remember that.
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Katie, I just went through the end of life process with my Mom, and I will tell you I wouldn’t stand for any toxicity around her. These witches are pulling your strings and you’re jumping. You are POA and have medical POA for a reason. He wanted you to make the decisions. You owe them nothing. I would stop answering their texts. Stop answering their questions. Stop talking to them at all. If they aren’t on his Hippa form, the doctor won’t share info, but even so, YOU are not obligated to share anything with them. Focus entirely on your Dad, making him comfortable. Nothing else exists. If they make any negative comments tell them to leave the room. Hearing they say is the last sense to fade, and how awful it would be if he could hear any bickering. This is hard enough without family trying to undermine you. I am so sorry it’s happening. Single focus...don’t let them distract you. Many hugs from me.
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So sorry to hear you are having these problems as well as coping with your father which you seem to be doing in his very best interests. Your siblings may be feeling guilt, (one hopes it is this) or it may unfortunately be the circling vultures which none of us likes to think our family may be like. If you do not have a good relationship with your siblings, you could simply refer them to your solicitor with any issues they raise and refuse to get involved. You could refer them to his medical team so they hear the situation from the horses mouth. You spend your time with your father, take the phone off the hook if necessary when you are in, and try to think positively that YOU have the relationship with him, and will have the knowledge you did the best for him for all the right reasons, and you won't have anything to feel guilty about. xx
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