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My Dad with dementia had his second intestinal blockage last week.. the first one was in January and cleared and he was able to go home and eat normally .. until last week.


This week has been like being in hell.. there are so many things I'm dealing with now. I am medical power of attorney so had to ultimately make the decision to go on palliative care (although this is what the doctors recommended as he would not live through the surgery required to fix this).


So enter all the uninvolved siblings. One who hadn't even seen my Dad in 5 years. The other 2 have fairly limited involvement with my parents (who are both in memory care with dementia).


My siblings and I had a conference call and everyone seemed to be on the same page... I took him for the 2nd time to the ER.. 8 hours there.. then they admit him..and put him on an IV and see if it clears again. The next day his stomach was soft so they gave him some food and he projectile vomited.. he was supposed to be released that day.


And so he went down hill from there. My sister started to get crazy. She started to blame me, she even called me a murderer for putting him on hospice. Said that if I cared about him I would do everything to save him... kept texting me to take him off hospice, got a wild idea she would take mom and dad home with her (to save them from me and my bad care)..take him out of the facility they are in and move them a thousand miles away.. this was just a few days ago mind you.


The other sister (the one that hasn't even seen my dad in 5 years) started to text me about that she needs to see his living will, his power of attorneys, all paperwork. All this while my Dad lay dying. After I had to go through the hospitalizations all alone, I had to have an emergency call to my attorney because this really scared me. She was planning something. My attorney said she didn't have a chance to do anything as my POA's would stand.


All this and now my Dad is dying probably in his last days of life. I was his caregiver for the last 5 plus years, by his side through everything. He is almost like my child now. The others don't have the relationship with him that I do, but they sure like to play up the tears. They take time up in his room and when I go there I am uncomfortable with them there. Both sisters who were uninvolved in care questioning every move I made with them.


Its so hard. I feel so alone. They are banned together and in town, hanging out together. Although I can't imagine spending time with them now, they have said things that can never take back.


Nobody cares how I am doing. I am grieving and this is hitting me harder then I ever thought. I never imagined my 2 sisters turning on me like that in the worst possible time. I knew they were both extremely selfish, but this is unimaginable.

Katie, you have twisteds too. I dealt with mine for eight years now, still continues even with mom gone. Absurd and very vindictive and mean spirited isn't it.

You are very strong and you can do this. After all you provided the care when they couldn't. My two twisteds also stuck together and just fed off of each other. It was hard, definitely. Twisteds will do anything to you to try to make you feel worse and try to get you to feel guilty.

Don't let them do that to you. They do it in an effort to relieve their own guilt and together they can support each other's behavior and lack of effort to support you. Yes, they will blame you. But you have done all that you can, and you and, maybe most importantly, Dad know it. Be good to yourself, keep those boundaries.

Thinking of you and KNOW you are not alone.
Helpful Answer (16)
Reply to gladimhere
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You've heard of gesture politics? Well, this is gesture caring, fuelled no doubt by guilt over their not having done anything much for the last five years, like be around or lift a finger.

I had a red mist moment for you just then, reading your post, and my imagined response to the Let Me Through I Will Save Him You Murderers sister was "if you can't calm down, f**k off." Even if you are not the sort of person who would send or say this, I do think it would help you to think it as you calmly delete her texts or voicemails.


Bureaucrat sister - tell her you're fine with that. Soon as she likes she can come and get the keys, pick up the paperwork and browse to her heart's content. But, she'll have to forgive you, you're a bit busy right now. What with your father's end of life to cope with, alone, and everything.

I'm sorry, I'm afraid I won't be helping, but I'm just seething for you. Don't be deflected by this crap, do whatever you need to do to ignore them.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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NYDaughterInLaw Apr 18, 2019
I agree with everything, Country. I keep most red mist moments to myself while I'm ignoring the do-nothings in this family.

When I first started my caregiving journey, I kept my BILs apprised of what was going on with their parents thinking it would help my husband. It didn't. So now that it's just FIL, hubby and me, I keep to myself. When a do-nothing comes fishing for information, I quickly excuse myself and end the conversation.

Katie - you know the truth and you know what's important. Do not let your sibs distract. You do not need to explain yourself - or your dad - to your sibs. You are your dad's POA and no one is entitled to see his private information. All of that will be a job for his attorney after he has passed.

You are a good daughter. Remember that.
(8)
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Oh Katie! I'm so sorry that your family is reacting so emotionally to your dad's decline! Big (((((hugs)))))).

I'm glad that your attorney was able to reassure you that you have nothing to fear; I've seen uninvolved and guilty feeling siblings do this sort of things to friends and it's so unpleasant and unfair. Know that they can't hurt you or your dear dad.

Keep in touch here and let us know what's going on...we CARE.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Katie, I just went through the end of life process with my Mom, and I will tell you I wouldn’t stand for any toxicity around her. These witches are pulling your strings and you’re jumping. You are POA and have medical POA for a reason. He wanted you to make the decisions. You owe them nothing. I would stop answering their texts. Stop answering their questions. Stop talking to them at all. If they aren’t on his Hippa form, the doctor won’t share info, but even so, YOU are not obligated to share anything with them. Focus entirely on your Dad, making him comfortable. Nothing else exists. If they make any negative comments tell them to leave the room. Hearing they say is the last sense to fade, and how awful it would be if he could hear any bickering. This is hard enough without family trying to undermine you. I am so sorry it’s happening. Single focus...don’t let them distract you. Many hugs from me.
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Reply to rocketjcat
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Katie, you are not alone. I know it's not the same as a friend holding your hand but you are in my prayers.

Their behavior is what guilt looks like. Attacking you takes the focus off them and the fact that they haven't done anything.

You are not obligated to account for your actions to them. If they had cared they would know what has been and why.

Stay strong and realize that bullies get worse in a pack, but the truly strong can stand up in the face of this knowing they are in the right.

I am so sorry that you are losing your dad in such an awful way.

(That your siblings are doing this now, speaks volumes about their character. )

Hugs and love to you 🤗🤗
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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So, so feeling sorrow for you. Katie. I care. All of us here on this forum care
Your siblings are vultures. Grotesque manipulators, one masked in guilt and one in greed. It blows my mind that they have turned up just waiting for his last breath
Be strong and face them down. Take your love and devotion for your father and turn it into strength. Or, if you like, to quote a good Aussie phrase
tell them to bugg”r off

PS. I am pretty sure as POA you can order that they are not allowed to visit your father
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Reply to PandabearAUS
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Katie- I am so sorry you are going through this. You are not alone, we are all here for you, and some have been through it. When my Dad died, none of my 4 living siblings had anything to do with him and when he died they blamed me. So it seems normal for the MIA children to place blame on the devoted one, because of their own guilt.
Do not let them take away from your time with your Dad, even more precious now. Let them play their parts, you know the truth.
May God give you strength, courage and comfort in this difficult time. I will be praying for you.
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Reply to smeshque
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Many of us have lived through this. You will too.

They didn’t come around because they didn’t have the courage. They didn’t want to see your dad like this. Maybe they even felt relieved that you were solving all the problems. They turned away so they could pretend not to see that your Dad needed them. So they could say they thought you didn’t need them. “Why didn’t you ask for help?” They will say later. When the going gets tough you find out who your real friends are (and aren’t). That can be overwhelming.

Try your best to stay as calm as you can through these tough times —for your dad. You have been on an amazing incredible journey of love, strength and perseverance together. You are stronger, more empathetic, more knowledgeable and more peaceful from this experience.

When your siblings are crying, it is not for your dad, but for their personal pain and the turmoil they have brought upon themselves for not being there.

Do not expect the situation with them to improve in the days to come. Their past (lack of) support is a window into the troubles of the near future.

Stay at close to your Dad. He is the one to focus on.

Its okay if you don’t choose to forgive them.
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Reply to ACaringDaughter
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truppecantele Apr 18, 2019
In Italy there is a saying, ( un aiuto e' meglio di cento consigli.)
It means One Helping hand is worth more then one hundred suggestions.
We wife and I know how you feel, we took care of wife parents for more than thirty years, dad was paralyzed from waist down. we moved them in a handicaped home close to us, we kept them in their home as long as they could, we got many suggestions on what to do, but not any help.
We gave up many vacations and such, but now we have a good feeling that a material thing can not replace.
(11)
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So sorry to hear you are having these problems as well as coping with your father which you seem to be doing in his very best interests. Your siblings may be feeling guilt, (one hopes it is this) or it may unfortunately be the circling vultures which none of us likes to think our family may be like. If you do not have a good relationship with your siblings, you could simply refer them to your solicitor with any issues they raise and refuse to get involved. You could refer them to his medical team so they hear the situation from the horses mouth. You spend your time with your father, take the phone off the hook if necessary when you are in, and try to think positively that YOU have the relationship with him, and will have the knowledge you did the best for him for all the right reasons, and you won't have anything to feel guilty about. xx
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Reply to TaylorUK
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KatieKay, it sounds like your siblings are not very informed, reasonable or sensitive to the true needs of your father. Thank goodness you are. While it's rough, I'd try to find solace in the fact that you are and that you have done things properly for your father. I hope you can find support for yourself. Have you spoken with the Hospice social worker? The one I have with my LO is so helpful and supportive. She's told me to call her anytime for anything that I need, just to talk or meet with her. It's tough to do this alone. Keep up your spirit and take care of yourself too. I hope things will get better for you and that you will have support as you go through this.
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Reply to Sunnygirl1
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