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My dad is 87. He lives alone in a retirement complex, not assisted living. He is still able to care for himself, but has a caregiver come in a few days a week for a couple of hours to run errands for him, or just to keep him company. My two sisters and I check in on him very frequently and take him to any doctor appointments he has.


My dad has had a severe hearing loss from childhood and is a lip reader, he is now losing his vision. He says it looks like he is viewing through a thin piece of wax paper. This, of course, makes lip reading difficult. There is nothing that can be done to improve either the hearing or vision. I have no idea how we will be able to communicate with him if he completely loses his vision. He is completely deaf in one ear, and has limited hearing in the other ear.


He doesn't want to be here anymore. He is not suicidal, but says every day he wakes up, he asks "why"? His biggest joy was reading, but he cannot do that anymore. Well, he can for about 15 minutes, then his eyes get fuzzy and he has to stop. We have gone to a low vision specialist, but the aids that are offered to help him he says he is too old to learn how to use (stubborn). I have tried to get him interested in hobbies.....brought him painting sets, little building kits, etc.... they are still in the boxes. He sleeps a lot (because he says there is nothing to do), and is often laying on the couch when we stop to check in.


He has a doctor appointment next week.....I am going to call the doctor ahead of time and relay all of this to him. I think my dad is slightly depressed. I would be too!


I have tossed in my head on asking him to move in with me - but, I'm not sure that's the best answer, or if it even is an answer. My husband and I do work, so my dad would still be here alone at times. We are recent empty nesters, and some of the posts I read here make me think it may not be the best idea for me to take on a caregiver type role when he is still able to be living on his own. I just feel terrible that he is sooooo terribly bored because he can't see well enough to do anything. ( The caregiver that sees him now says she does feel he is safe in his apartment. )


Any suggestions anyone can provide? I'm not really sure what I am asking for - or what suggestions there could be - but, I just hate seeing him so frustrated all the time with his hearing/vision issues. He cannot go for walks due to his inability to see contrast between curbs/steps/etc....

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We got an elder with hearing loss & older than your dad a headset for the tv.
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How about adult daycare at his local senior center? They usually have a bus that will pick up and drop off a few days a week.
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To everyone that answered and gave me some suggestions - thank you so much!! There are a few things I am going to look into for my dad. I appreciate you taking the time to help me help my dad.
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Llamalover47 Dec 2021
jujubee2222: Thank you for your post.
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Having called his doctor on suspensions of depression sounds right. Losing his vision will cause him to be more dependent on others & that often leads to depression. See if the local library has any audio books available for checkout. Another resource may be your local Blind/Hearing Loss center or senior aging center. If he plans on staying in his apt. he will need some assistive devices, lights, or alarms to help him in the future.
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You do not say whether the person he saw about things to help low vision was a qualified opthalmologist or not. If not then he probably ought to see one, although it sounds like he possibly has the start of cataracts. If so I don't know when they would operate in the US, here they have to have developed to a certain point but there may be something your surgeons do earlier. I don't see how moving him in with you is an improvement - as you say you are out all day anyway, and his current carer thinks he can manage, he may even be seeing more people where he is than in he moved in with you. Plus he would have to learn new layouts of furniture etc. if he is not seeing well which could lead to a fall whilst you were out. He sounds to be safer where he is. A couple of things you may be able to do for him, one is to ensure he has brighter lighting that currently, change of bulbs or additional lamp. Puzzle books for those with impaired sight where everything is done extra size. And maybe get him interested in music, a personal CD player with selection of discs or if he has internet available an Alexa type device and subscription to a music provider so he can just ask - obviously dependent on whether his deafness would rule this out. Can he have a pet?
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I so sympathize with your dad - reading is my chief pleasure too and I dread not being able to do it one day.

My mother is in the same position except she can still see and hasn't been deaf all her life; it's vertigo, refusal to do any form of exercise and join in with activities or use any technological aids and now accelerating dementia that are her problems. She is clearly bored and miserable (she never has been a very happy person) and can't see any point to her life. As we have always had a difficult relationship and I find being responsible for her life a real strain (I'm on anti-anxiety medication now), I too (like her) find myself wishing she would just pass away in her sleep one night, as my grandmother did. I'm not proud of that, but the thought of her having to relocate to a care home (my brother and I couldn't have her living with us) and not being happy there either is also very sad. My mum's physical health is quite good for 87, so I do fear for her future as I really don't know how to help her. We have tried everything we can think of except having her live with us, but she always said she wouldn't want that and I know it would probably have me in a psychiatric unit (with my marriage destroyed), so it's not really an option.

Sorry I can't be more positive; I just wanted to say you are not alone and in my view all we can do is the best of which we are capable at any given moment to make their life a little less grim.
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I don't want to oversimplify the problem but could hearing aid combined with a library of audio books help?
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jujubee2222: My late mother's vision was profoundly affected in a negative way due to the 'worst ever case of wet macular degeneration' per her retinologist. She was classified as legally blind, which meant that she had peripheral vision. Her eyes were badly scarred due to too many eye injections. However, she overcame much of her vision loss through assistance from the COB (Commissioner of the Blind). This organization provided her with a desktop magnifying machine, which allowed her to write checks as well as balance a checkbook, write greeting cards, read a newspaper and a lot more. They also provided her with a device that was placed in a teacup that alerted her with an auditory sound if she poured hot water too high in the cup. A large screen TV also helped her to enjoy watching her favorite programs. As my mother overcame a rather difficult disability, perhaps your father can as well.
For his hearing loss, is he a candidate for a cochlear implant?
Good luck.
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jujubee2222 Dec 2021
Thank you! Unfortunately my dad is not a candidate for a cochlear implant, but I am going to look into the COB you mentioned. I had not heard of that before, but the things provided to your mom by them sound exactly like what my dad could use.
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I looked up ‘learning Braille’ on Google, and there was more there than I expected. Instructional books, even how to use Lego for Braille. An entry about ‘I thought I was too old to learn Braille’. See if a search comes up with anything that might help. If Dad could get anywhere with it, it brings back all the ‘reading’ options, because there are many many books in Braille

I did some work with a blind sporting group, mostly young runners who had a (slightly better runner) who picked the path and had a cord back to the legally blind mate following them. It was highly competitive! Seeing eye dogs got left behind. I visited one of them at home (the guy, not the dog), and he was at his computer. It had a really big TV-type screen, with letters about three inches high, and he could cope with reading and typing. Our local Royal Society for the Blind has a show room with every gadget they have found, and staff who help people to try them out. That might be worth a trip somewhere, if there is nowhere local like that.
Best wishes to you and your father, Margaret
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My 86 year old grandpa had the same vision problems you describe
His hospital replaced the lens in one eye. That definitely made it worse
dont let them do that to your Dad
in fact the less he has to do with doctors the better off he will be
Google up “dr Christopher legacy....vision loss”
i got my Grandpa the eye wash liquid & the 2 bottles of herbal supplements for the eyes. “Herbal eye” plus one other. Bilbury I think it’s called
you will find all the information on the page I wrote above
The products are relatively inexpensive, have no side effects & won’t interfere with medications
My Grandpas vision has improved a lot he say (it’s been 3 months of use now)
Last trip to the eye dr confirmed the improvement ...with science lol!
Just be aware that the eye wash is used with 1 drop added to distilled water
Slowly build up to 5 drops in the eyeglass over a few weeks
Distilled Water
very Important to have him drink & cook with only Distilled water
consider reading the booklet “The Choice is Clear” by Dr C Banik on the water situation
The above will restore your fathers vision if he is motivated & consistent
Let me know how he gets on
i work in Medicine & it is my experience that “ When you want to understand better look deeper into Nature “
Albert Einstein


i
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My 86 year old grandpa had the same vision problems you describe
His hospital replaced the lens in one eye. That definitely made it worse
dont let them do that to your Dad
in fact the less he has to do with doctors the better off he will be
Google up “dr Christopher legacy....vision loss”
i got my Grandpa the eye wash liquid & the 2 bottles of herbal supplements for the eyes. “Herbal eye” plus one other. Bilbury I think it’s called
you will find all the information on the page I wrote above
The products are relatively inexpensive, have no side effects & won’t interfere with medications
My Grandpas vision has improved a lot he say (it’s been 3 months of use now)
Last trip to the eye dr confirmed the improvement ...with science lol!
Just be aware that the eye wash is used with 1 drop added to distilled water
Slowly build up to 5 drops in the eyeglass over a few weeks
Distilled Water
very Important to have him drink & cook with only Distilled water
consider reading the booklet “The Choice is Clear” by Dr C Banik on the water situation
The above will restore your fathers vision if he is motivated & consistent
Let me know how he gets on
i work in Medicine & it is my experience that “ When you want to understand better look deeper into Nature “
Albert Einstein


i
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First, I would not suggest moving him into your house. He is in a very hard situation and living with you will only put his misery front and center with you every moment you are in your home. Sounds really really uncomfortable.

Instead, see if he will do some of the things suggested. Go to the senior center or wherever they serve meals. At least he will get out of the house. Staying home alone is depressing and so is his loss of sight and hearing so getting out could really be helpful.

There must be somethings that he can still do. I have no experience in this department. Have you researched sight and hearing loss suggestions? Could he get a seeing eye dog? A great companion and a helper as well.

Schedule a weekly massage for him. Someone to come take him for a walk so he can, again, get out of the house. And fresh air and sunshine are always good too.

Good luck getting him some stimulation. If he won't cooperate with anything, maybe a move to a nursing home might be his next step. At least he won't be alone and maybe they can help him with appropriate activities of some sort.
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First of all, I can totally relate to what he is feeling and missing. I will be 88 on Tuesday and have become disabled (can't walk due to spinal problems) and my hearing is just about gone. But I am a fish out of water - I force myself against the most impossible odds, ignoring pain, time and frustration to do what a 30 year old does (who is normal); still work two jobs (51 years in one and l5 as a Power of Attorney); take care of all of my affairs, my kitty, hobbies, and still drive (safely). However, once my hearing is gone (it is hell for me now) and I can no longer drive or my pussy cat is gone, I will take the deep breath and jump into the big hole - this is MY decision, no one else on this planet or universe. I have accepted when those are gone, I must go and I will go. I suspect your father is at this point. He is tired, depressed, heartbroken.....don't fight him wanting to have peace. He feels it is his time. Love him and support him while you still have him but let HIM make his own decisions as to the future, not YOU.
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bundleofjoy Dec 2021
dear riley :),

i wish you a wonderful, wonderful birthday on tuesday!!! :) :) :)
88 is really special!!

in japanese culture, these double digits are important
(77 years old...88 years old)
...more than 70, 80...(more western culture)

i wish for all your bday wishes to come true!! :)
and i hope you have a great celebration!!!

---
i wish you a long and happy life.
for sure, it's not easy getting older.

i wish us all, and our LOs, a long and happy life.

hugs!!

bundle of joy :)
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Is there any elderly programs or hotline or look up something in his nearest area to see if there a female/males around his age that he could become acquainted with. In my mind i'm always saying i would like to open up a business just for ppl 50 and over to meet and greet and become friends. It would be like the AARP program except it would be like a hang out place for the elderly. Its about human touch, feelings that needs to be in question. I truly feel and the majority of us will one day be in that same situation. Also, speak to him one on one like go for a walk and ask him what would he like to do. I believe he is feeling depressed. As Doctor CHarles Stanley said, in one of his Sermons. friends, come and go and some pass away the list gets shorter and shorter. He needs a companion. not just anyone. Maybe a lady friend that's in a similar situation. don't just bring anyone they could be CREEPY! I praying he will meet good God Fearing friends.
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My mother is the exact same way and same age. They really can't do anything because they can't see or hear. That alone cuts them out of doing crafts, reading, going out, etc. so their life to them is over. They feel useless and wonder why God doesn't take them home. Your dad will still be the same if he moves in with you, so if you want a life, leave him where he is. My mother lives with me. It's hard to hear her every day wanting to die and all the moans and groans and complete disgust with herself all day long. I feel so sorry for her. I bought her really good headphones to listen to books, music, etc., but she just doesn't want to. Physical touch to her body, like putting lotion on her feet, scratching her back, combing her hair, is what she likes and helps her get her mind off herself. Her favorite thing is a chocolate ice cream cone at the end of the day. I hope this helps. Bless!
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Candyapple Dec 2021
what ur doing is great. I pray things will get better. I believe of course reading God's Word will help. I believe they would like to meet friends. If there's a way to find out from ur community if they can meet ppl and like i said to another. I hear so many stories like this and were going to be in that situation one day. I wish I could open up a business for the elderly 50 and over like AARP for ppl to hang out meet and greet. I think that would help. it has to be a way. its sad. i think we also think about how life just changes. the list of friends and love ones dwindles away.
Meaning there are less ppl to be with .
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A couple of things- many libraries have books on “tape” or CD. Also there is Audible, a subscription service for downloading books to listen to- headphones maybe.
Also investigate the PACE programs in your area.
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Many areas have free senior activities several times a week. At least here, (in a county in suburban Atlanta), they provide free transportation as well, to the senior center, where they serve lunch, have different activities, etc. He'd be socializing with people in a non-threatening, comfortable environment, and I'm sure they could do what they could regarding his hearing and sight issues. In tems of reading, you can check out audible books from the library for free, or sign up for Audible, (which has a cost). (I'm not sure how loud they are.) Your Area on Aging or a local house of worship might be able to have a volunteer come over to supplement the caregiver's visits. You 're contemplating having your dad live with you and your hubby. My mom lived with us when she had Alzheimer's. I even wrote a book about our travails called, "My Mother has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." It wasn't easy, but it worked for us. Hubby and I staggered our work schedule, (I taught night classes at a local college, when he'd come home from work), so she wasn't alone, and couldn't have been, for her safety). You could ask your dad to make a recording of his life, to give to other family members. That might be good for everyone. Best of luck.
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Candyapple Dec 2021
Oh My. u 2 are wonderful. I wish this could work for everyone. If everyone could try their hardest. were all going to be in that situation one day. Some will go well and others will not. I wish there were more programs and advocacies like AARP that cares for the elderly and families. this way everyone could have there lives and be happier. Maybe one day the new generation will come up with something. I wish i had the money and know what i know now but had my youth to really assist. Great Job!
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Does he Have cataracts ? Or hearing Aids ?
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Rick10 Dec 2021
I believe she has already explored options for his hearing/sight issues. She is now looking for input.
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Is there a Senior Center in his town? They have many activities at many ability levels where I live. They offer a noon meal, & I think there is transportation provided for those that need it. I'm guessing that he would be resistant, but maybe you could go with him the first time or 2. His local Area on Aging Agency will also have resources. Our local library has the books on tape feature that is signed up for locally & doesn't require a Dr note. Having him move in with you isn't really a solution if he is still able to be independent. Good Luck & Happy Holidays!
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A new world of reading awaits your Dad (at no charge) through the National Library of The Blind. https://www.loc.gov/nls/
He does not have to be completely blind. It's for low vision, too.

The web page will explain how easy it is to set up. There's a form to get signed by his Doctor which will allow him to receive for free - a Digital Book Reader that is very easy to use, and as many Digital Books as he can read. It's never ending, and they send them to his address at no charge, and the Post Office sends them back at no charge. They have bestsellers, novels, fiction, magazines, science fiction, etc. My Mom has used this service for years and years.

Also, check and see if there are any State sponsored classes for your Dad to attend. My Mom went to a school for the blind and they even sent a free bus to pick her up. All was free, and they trained her how to hold money, how to cook, do laundry, etc. (Years ago, now she's bed-bound, but she still receives the books.)
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LavenderBear Dec 2021
Editing to add: By "read", I mean listen to. These are all audio books from the National Library For The Blind.
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Have you tried the very large print books. If he has a tablet the contrast can be adjusted and the print can be made very large.
I also was going to make the same suggestion that BarbBrooklyn made about the cochlear implant. If he would be a candidate for that it might improve his outlook tremendously.
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Has he (or you) looked into a cochlear implant?
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hugs to you!!
and hugs to your father!!

it's not easy at all...to get sick...get elderly....

-----

your father can hardly see/hear. and he's bored.
:(

solutions?
...how about having a pet at home he can caress. pets make many elderly people happy.
...of course, i understand it might be impossible for him to take care of the pet
...and since he can't see, he might trip over the pet.
...so this is probably a bad idea. but maybe a pet can visit him once in a while, and he can caress the soft fur? :) interact with a sweet, happy, bubbly, jumpy puppy?

(i really don't know how dogs do it. they are so happy all the time. we really have to learn from dogs. what's their secret?)
:)
many dogs have permanent smiles...
...dolphins also! oh my goodness. always smiling.

----
other ideas...
can he quickly learn some other techniques how to communicate? there must be millions of people who have been in his situation, and deaf/blind organizations have come up with many ideas over hundreds of years...
(also ideas for elderly people, who have to suddenly learn a new strategy)

while he's still able to see/hear a bit now, can you/family/him quickly come up with a few simply, strategic things that mean X, Y, Z...
for example, tapping once on the hand means X...i love you, etc. :)

----
i hope you/your family/your father can have a beautiful xmas together!!!

:)

hugs to your father!!!! :)
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bundleofjoy Dec 2021
another idea...

ok it's not ideal -- with the corona situation -- but since he's very bored and really not enjoying life...

:)
maybe your father should try to learn tango.
it's a beautiful/wonderful dance (i dance tango).

your father can't hear the music due to his hearing...
but he can feel the movement. a teacher/woman can guide him (he as the man, is supposed to guide her; but in the beginning he must learn).

tango can be danced with eyes closed (he doesn't need to have good eyesight). he needs to feel.

maybe a tango teacher can be hired once/twice a week, to come to his house and give private lessons. in the beginning a male teacher is ok too.

all that's needed is a flat floor, some space.
he might even start looking forward to this, once/twice a week.

they can both wear masks.

----
i understand there is corona to consider ---- BUT your father is so unhappy and doesn't want to live...
in a sense there's nothing to lose.

and isn't it better to try something you might suddenly love, rather than never to have tried and just continue being miserable/deaf/blind/bored?

this might be money worth spending.
learn tango.

normally the experience is also the dramatic tango music.
but actually, even without music, dancing tango is magical.

you said there's no way to improve his hearing.
he still has a bit of hearing.
the music can be blasted as loud as possible, so he can hear a bit.
or teacher/and him, can both wear headphones, and his can be louder.

hugs!!! :)
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Jujubee, the important thing (I think anyway) is for you to accept that a) this problem is not necessarily solvable and b) even if it were, it isn't your problem to solve.

Put out of your head any thought of solving it by moving your father in with you. He is bored, lonely and becoming isolated because of his sensory difficulties, not because you aren't there to provide 24/7 entertainment. And his frustration (truth be told, I wouldn't be surprised if there were some dread in there as well) won't be more than temporarily assuaged by any suggestions he takes up.

To begin: put yourself in his shoes. It can't be easy for him to come to terms with losing his vision when he's been so dependent on it for so many years. (It isn't cataracts, is it? - is the "low vision specialist" an ophthalmologist?) Give it time and hold back on the ideas, instead be patient, let him tell you what he'd like to do, and then help him find a way.

The idea that you need 20:20 vision to go for a walk is nonsensical. Is that part about needing to see contrasts what he said when you asked him if he'd like to?

I'm sure you're right about the depression. Apart from the caregiver and you, does he have much contact with the other residents in his complex or has Covid shut everything down?
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jujubee2222 Dec 2021
My dad has severe damage to his optic nerve. He has always had bad eyes....cataract surgery at age 37! Yes, the low vision specialist was an ophthalmologist. I will have him come up with what he would like to do and see how to find a way. Thank you.
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