My dad has stage 4 lung cancer, any advice on what I should do?

I wish I had some fantastic, easy to follow advice for you. My heart goes out to you.

My father died with mesothelioma, a lung cancer. One of the things I found out is that cancer can, in my father's case did, travel to the brain. You might check with his doctor to see if this is the case. It will change the way he reasons.

It sounds to me like he will be leaving this world soon. Is he eligible for Hospice? Are all the legal things taken care of? My daddy wanted to be buried in a local cemetery I didn't even know existed. I am so happy I asked him.

Falling is not a problem; getting hurt IS a problem. A few ideas to keep him from getting hurt:

Bathroom
Grab bars near the toilet and in the shower.
Shower chair with arm rests (white plastic ones are easier to keep clean).
Handheld shower sprayer so he can sit while he rinses off.

Bedroom
Baby monitor (My anxious children/new parents have one and can see in the dark while their baby sleeps in pitch black room).
Pad corners on hard, "sharp" furniture with corner protectors (in baby section of stores).
Urinals and easy to wash flooring.
NO scatter rugs (easy to trip on)
Nonskid flooring.
Interlocking foam floor squares - wall to wall in rooms he uses all the time. (I put these down when my toddler grandson comes to visit)

A consistent schedule for him and you will help with your anxiety and his decreasing energy levels.
You might have to turn his TV on for him during the day to his "favorite" programs.

Hopey1969: I am so very sorry that your father suffers from quite advanced lung cancer. Perhaps if he agrees to it, hospice could bring him some measure of comfort. Big hugs to you, Hopey at this most difficult of times as dad wants to be left alone, which is of course so hard for you.

Caregiving 101
Night lights, a lighted pathway.
Provide a urinal bedside, with a lid.
Provide comfort care to the best of your ability.

So sorry that your Dad is so very ill.
Not many will know what you are going through.
My Dad passed of lung cancer. Things said by others during that time are still in my head.
People close to you, "brother, husband, his brother" are also going through similar, but have chosen a "hands off" stance, and told you to do that. Well, that's not you, is it? Your concerns are valid.

Your relationship is with your Dad, follow his wants and needs as close as possible. You are the one doing the caregiving it seems. Try not to impose your will on him while keeping him safe if you can.

Talk to caregivers here who may understand. Ignore any comments that don't fit.

Lung Cancer took my mother. I was adamant that she would be permitted to die at my home, under my care...........................then I had to go back on my word and release her to the professionals. She was up all night smoking and then started burning her skin, clothing and cancer scarf: with two babies in the house, my plans had to change. Even though she refused to let anyone, but me, bathe her, I had to give up the caregiver moniker in my last trimester of pregnancy. I had to place her with the professionals and I am most grateful that they kept me posted multiple times on some days and immediately upon the onset of her coma (a huge blessing that removed pain from her reality). The only advice I have is that you get some grief counseling and start the process of letting go.

You may learn more by easing up on him. The men I have known that age do not like being hovered over and told what to do.

Let him take charge of his life, while he still can. If he falls he falls. He will know it’s his fault. He’ll admit he was a dumb**s.

You may find he’s more receptive to some help if you follow his lead and stay as calm as you can. Try to remember that he’s an adult and in charge of his life, even though the decisions may not be the ones you would want him to make.

He may not have much time left here. Please try to enjoy the time you have together. Create some good memories, not ones of anger and frustration.

Talk to his doctor. Maybe it's time for hospice care for your father. Hospice care is paliative care that makes a person comfortable but doesn't try to fix anything. Hospice care would make equipment and home care available. He may prefer a male aide (out of modesty) to help him go to the bathroom, shower and dress. All the best to you and your father.

My mom used to get up multiple times during the night. She refused to use diapers to her dying day. I bought a battery operated motion alarm that was under $25. I hid the transmitter on the floor under her dresser, and the alarm chimed softly in my room whenever her feet hit the floor. I also got her a short bed rail which helped her get herself in and out of the bed. A motion light is another great aid. You do what you can, and the rest is up to the Divine.

Embarrassing to say, I am 78 and may sleep nearly that much a day. I always was a good sleeper, but it has certainly increased. My father died of lung cancer, he spent much of his last years in bed (smoking!). Towards the end he did need some help with toileting, but neither I nor he would have been comfortable with it being me. (Actually, my mother refused it as well, said "I will live just as I have always lived.") Could it be a generational thing? My father was more comfortable with a man helping him. In fact, my husband when ill, would allow me to assist him getting up, etc., but NEVER anyone inside the bathroom.Twenty years ago medicare sent an aid a few hours a day, has that help disappeared? I think the VA may offer something like that. My father referred to the gentleman as his "valet", which the aide took in good humor. Dad was pretty dotty towards the end, which was not immediately apparent. I assume a metastasis to the brain. He finally ended up in hospice, which took good care of him for the most part. There was an upset when they took the bottle of vodka which accompanied his cigarettes away. They were worried about glass but didn't or couldn't get that across to him. Ended up medicating him. I am not sure as I wasn't there, but a hospice doctor told me there could be a temper episode close to death.

So sorry for you my dear! I just went through similar with my Dad. He was stage 4 lung cancer with brain mets. These men are stubborn, and yes, there should be some respect for his wishes, however, it has to be balanced with his safety. Maybe remind him that he could lose his ability to walk if he takes a bad fall..? My Dad was wheelchair bound after a fall (possibly a stroke, or maybe hit his head, I will never know) but we hired a PSW to do the toileting. He didn't want me to do that. As Grandma said, you cannot stop the disease. He wants to hold on to his independence as long as he can, and I don't know him, but my Dad would rather have fallen and died quickly than to have to go so slowly. We gave him flashlights so he could see around him when he woke up in the dark. A motion activated light is a good idea. Another thing, is I kept asking for his advice - it helped him feel like he was still the man he'd always been. Hugs to you! It's a tough road you are on, and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Respect his wishes. Discuss with him what his wishes are. If he falls and breaks a bone he is not a candidate for surgery and his bones will not heal well.
If he is not on Hospice I would hope he would accept that.
I suggest putting a light in his room that is motion activated so when he gets up to go to the bathroom he will not be in the dark. If you could get him to use a walker that would help. Place a walker in the shower so he can use it to steady himself. Or a shower chair. (I used to buy used walkers for the shower for my Husband to use. He would not use grab bars, he would hold on to a walker.)
The hard part of this is realizing the fact that your dad is dying and as safe as you want to keep him you can not stop the disease process.
Just give your dad a hug, spend time with him and tell him you love him, you will miss him and thank him for being the dad he is.

I’m wondering if your father made his intentions clear to all the male relatives, who haven’t told you because they think you might be upset or might not be willing to go along with it. Having a clearer idea might actually help you. I’d talk to them about it.

Hospice is a very good idea. If father isn’t in pain now, he is likely to be at the end (both like my own mother), and it’s good to be prepared in advance.

Sadly, your father is dying of advanced lung cancer and his wishes are to be left alone. As hard as that must be for you to do, you must honor his wishes and leave him be. Get him a commode for his room, a nightlight as sp suggested, and some snacks that won't spoil for his bedside table. If he will agree to hospice, get them on board to administer comfort care like morphine to keep his pain minimized. I urge you to speak to him about hospice to see what he says. They will be a Godsend to him if/when he's in pain and needs help. They will bring him a hospital bed and supplies, too, free of charge and paid for by Medicare. They will help and support YOU, too, most importantly, and try to coach you through this terribly difficult time you are faced with.

If dad winds up falling one night on his way to the bathroom, call 911 and have him transported to the ER for care. Of course, he will have to agree to be taken by the EMTs. :(

My deepest condolences over what you are going through; this must be tremendously stressful for you to feel so helpless. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace, for both you and your dear father.

Can you put one of those plug in night lights in his bedroom? They work really well and you can get one at Wal-Mart for 3.00 and change.

Does it have to be you to take him to the toilet? Would he be better if ur DH helped him? Can you put a commode in his room? Does he use a cane or walker? (If not, he should) Is it time for Hospice?

Hospice is something I would talk about with his Drs. Hospice will come and discuss what they do to keep Dad comfortable during his last days.

Please do not be a helicopter daughter. My GFs father had a heart attack and I went to visit. All he wanted to do was sleep and all his youngest daughter wanted to do was tell him to wake up Js here to visit. I told her to let him be and she continued.

Might be time to place him for both of your well-beings you are all consumed and that is not healthy, too much stress on the both of you.

Either let him be, or move him somewhere where he can be cared for 24/7 by clinically trained people.

He will also have PT on a regular basis.

Sounds like you are in way over your head.

It sounds as though your father is trying to limit his own life – he is not eating, sleeping most of the time, and not interacting with you. Is that what the males relatives are seeing, when they tell you to ‘value his independence’? If he is still drinking fluids he will live for several more weeks, and ‘not eating’ is sometimes not literally true. Have you talked to him about ‘end of life’? If he is religious, a visit from a pastor might help – even if he is not religious, many pastors have lots of experience with end of life, and can help without too much ‘Bible’. A Hospice evaluation might also help, to explain things to you and to offer support to both of you.

One trivial thing – my gadget-minded husband recently bought a bedside clock that had the option to display the time on the ceiling, in what's called a 'seven segment display'. To my enormous surprise, I’ve found it fascinating when I am awake in the night. '8' is the only digit that uses all 7 segments. I see how the segments are tailored to look best, which of them work well upside-down, which digits I like and will wait for. It occupies me, changes every minute, and often sends me back to sleep by blocking out my other thoughts. And it was cheap! Your Dad might like it too.

You have my very best wishes at a difficult time for you and your father. Love, Margaret