My Dad expects me to do everything yet he doesn't get angry at my other siblings who live out of town and rarely come to help. Any advice?

I think this is usually the norm when elderly parents and a child live in the same area or in the same house. The adult child does all the daily exhausting never-up-to-the-parents' expectations. The parents view it as their right and your duty to take care of them because they are your parents. It still irritates me that my father views all my siblings who don't live in this house as - Guests. I have made it known to my siblings that I won't cook for them or do their laundry. If they want, we can switch roles. They usually want nothing to do with caregiving.

Now, is there a reason why your father needs you to visit daily? Even though I live with my parents (when mom was alive), my dad wanted me to call daily while I was at work. He was bedridden mom's main caregiver. He was scared that he might collapse and no one would find him until I came home late at 6-7pm. IMaybe you can try to keep your visit short. Or call them instead if you're too tired to see them.

My siblings never called daily. Some of them only calls on holidays. That's it. Maybe the next time your siblings visit, you do a disappearing act? Let them take over with your parents. And use their visit for your vacation from the parents.

Hi Care2love,
Your situation is what so many caregivers deal with. Your dad is used to you and you are in town so he thinks it's easier for you to tend to his needs. He also may prefer your help to that of your siblings but won't say so.

Whatever the reason, you'll have to stand up for yourself and let your dad and your siblings know that you can't do it all yourself. If your dad needs more help than you can provide and your siblings won't help, then let them all know that hired in-home help will be needed.

I know that this is hard, but if you don't stand up for yourself now you'll be having a lot more trouble later. Please keep in touch so that we know how you are doing.
Carol

This must be a common problem because boy, do I feel your pain!

I cope by telling myself repeatedly, "This man's mind does not work like it should," and that helps. Other times during a rant I simply tell him "Ya know what? I don't need to take this," and I walk out of the room.

It is painful, it is hard, it is neverending. And I've only been a caregiver for 2-1/2 years! Seems so much longer. Dad is physically very healthy with a heart as strong as a horse but his mind is deteriorating daily. This is the tragedy. I resent anyone telling me that I "want him dead"; I want him to have a clear mind!

I couldn't agree more with bookluvr's suggestion that you disappear completely when siblings do make their rare appearance. Get out of the house, visit a friend, spend some quiet time at the library (my favorite!), go for a walk; heck, go to the grocery store or dollar store or any store and peruse the aisles! Let your drift and try to relax. Siblings who don't fairly contribute need to spend some good "quality time" with their parent to get a better feel for what you put up with daily. GET GOING AND GET AWAY!!

The closer you are to the fire, the more likely you get burned.

This is only if your dad doesn't have dementia. If he starts that cr*p again, just simply pack a suitcase and as you walk out the door tell him to call them and keep going and never look back. If he does have dementia I would start raising some phone h*ll with siblings about taking over. Not everybody is made for this ,don't feel bad, if you need to get out do it , save yourself. I would really put the pressure on your siblings.

This is your problem to solve. You cannot be taken advantage of unless you volunteer. And that's what you're doing. You need to take charge of this "project" that is "Dad."

No need to have a confrontation with him. "Dad, starting next week, I'll try to come over Tuesday and Friday after work. So let's get some groceries in ahead of that so we can get on a schedule. I'm worn out." Period. Don't argue with him; don't get into a long discussion about it. If he starts to berate or otherwise criticize you, just say, "Dad, I've got to go. Call me tomorrow with your grocery list so I can get you stocked up."

If he doesn't call you the next day (because he's mad), let it go until the next. Then call and see if he's made a list. If not, and if he starts arguing, "Dad, I've got to go now. I'll call tomorrow. Let me know what you need."

Get used to dad being angry for a while. You've set a horrible pattern for yourself that isn't working for you. For him? It works just fine. Any change in that will guarantee push back. Close your ears and relish the extra time you'll have. He'll get over it soon enough.

You don't say what all you do for him . . . if we knew that, maybe we could give some suggestions on how to manage your tasks so that, while he's not SEEING you every day, most everything's being handled.

It is completely unreasonable for a parent to expect daily visits. If he needs daily visits? He shouldn't be living alone. And I'd tell him THAT, too.

If the funds are there, how about having someone come in a few hours a day to help out. Perhaps the other siblings could contribute to the cause.

You have a job and need time to yourself. What would be the solution if you didn't live in the same town? There is no reason for you to give up your life and health to care for anyone...it is a choice some folks make. If this isn't what you want from life, then make the necessary changes now! Good luck.

It sounds as though you dad may need some respite from his caregiving. Is he really up to doing all he's doing? Is mom getting optimal care?

I agree with everything said so far, especially the need to formalise the time you give to your Dad. Tell him quite firmly that you will only do his admin/shopping etc on one day a week and get him to sit with you and organise a list of what has to be done. If you create a physical list on a sheet of paper and ensure that he is part of that and can actually see the number of jobs you do and the time it takes, he may come to appreciate that you too are 'working' in the same way as your siblings.

I also agree with the 'guest' thing. My mother has two different types of social worker who come to chat/revive her memory. One comes for two hours twice each week and the other for six hours once every three weeks. My mum expects me to make cups of tea and cake for them and it took quite a stern discussion before she accepted that these people were not guests, and additional responsibilities for me, but rather individuals were were supposed to help me. So when your siblings do arrive, make yourself scarce, tie them down to a formal period of time - how many hours are they going to stay?

The final thing is that I would document all the time you do spend caring for your dad and then tell your siblings that you want a quid pro quo - so every month or so, you expect one of them to come and stay for a week, or a long weekend.

With siblings you have to formalise the care arrangements - believe me, when it comes to sharing out your dad's estate they will all expect to get as much as you and will want formality at that stage. Make sure they deserve it by presenting them with their duties now.

Some great advice on here for you.
I'm with Maggie regards not allowing yourself to be a 'victim'.
You are 'allowing' your dad to manipulate you.

Fires need oxygen. You need to be very clear on what you are prepared to do, how often you are prepared to go over. Make it like a project plan

Not completely clear from your post if your dad physically or mentally needs help on the days you are not going to be there?

If he does need someone there, then start looking for hired help for days when you are not there. (Not sure what finances are like... I'd suggest your siblings club together to pay for this if your folks don't have the money...it's only fair.

There may come a time you all need to consider necessity for a Nursing Home of some sort.
Prepare your head for that now.

Meanwhile, tell your dad that if he wants your continued help then he cannot continue speaking to you like he does. Show him there is a consequence... next time he yells say quietly and calmly 'I will not allow you to speak to me like that', and leave the house (if safe to do so... if not safe then just leave the room and say when he has calmed down you will come back.

We are all the same, we never quite grow up.
If there are no consequences for our bad behaviour then we will continue to play up.

Also, try to praise him when he is nice ('That was really kind dad, thank you' etc...). Like training a toddler or a dog, make a big fuss over good behaviour, and do not 'reward' bad behaviour by hanging about trying to reason with him.
Develop a consistent 'walk out' response. It should work after a couple of weeks. Don't hive up.

But most importantly, you need to see that this is really all in your hands, not his.
Take control, and be strong.
Do not enable his bullying.

If you allow yourself to be taken advantage of, then you have no one to be angry with except yourself. Don't "blame" your siblings. Tell your father your feelings about being used, tell him what you will do for him, and do whatever you need to do in order to keep yourself healthy, sane, and loved. Who is the most important person in your life? If you cannot answer YOU, then you will continue to allow your father to rule your life. Not a pretty sight. Be strong for you!

Are there any tasks that your siblings could do for your dad's care? Maybe you would resent them a little less if you could give them some of the tasks...like watching over the bill paying or arranging for some of the services like Meals on Wheels? I haven't gone through this myself, but I had a good friend providing (way too much) caregiving for her dad and even her brother's attempts to help from across the country were not welcomed by her. When he and his wife came into town and told her to take some time off, she felt like they were pushing her aside and taking over. (She also fretted that things wouldn't be done the way she would do them.) Try to see where you could let them shoulder some of the burden and definitely start cutting back on what you do if it is causing you too much stress.

You are not alone. There are many honoring sons and daughters suffering the same thing. I am afraid I do not have much good suggestions to you, because you and I are in the same boat.

I am a 43 years old man, single. I have a older sister 14 years older than me, married and have her own family. I have been living with my parents and taking good care of them all my life. My mom died 5 years ago, and the burden of taking care of my father loads on my shoulders.

Some suggested you to add pressure on your siblings, but in my case, it is even worse, my sister keeps adding pressures on me. From time to time, my sister would say to me, "pa says ......", and she that demands me to add endless services to my father. I felt betrayed, used.

From my own painful experience, I learn something that might be valuable as your references, I learned:

a. The caring of the parent(s) itself does not make me feel miserable, the history does - such as the parent(s) is not fair; They love the other sibling more than they love me etc. Such history make the caring of the parent(s) more difficult.

b. The actual time caring of the parent(s) does not hurt much, but the negative influence does - spending two hours daily caring the parent(s) does not hurt much, but if spending two hours with them resulting in ruined your entire day, or driving you to abandoning yourself to despair, feeling your life miserable, that's hurt.

Therefore, my advices/suggestion to you are as follow:

a. Beside learning to say no to your dad, hiring health care aids to lessen your burdens, also learn to identify if there is any history between you and your parents/siblings, if so, deal with them.

b. Make a chart to see how many actual time you have spent caring your dad. Identify if there is any negative influence that has bring forth to you. If so, you need to work on it. Do not allow yourself be ruined from taking care of your dad. Your most important task is, do not let taking your dad ruined your life, you deserve a good life. If you are not well, you cannot take good care of others.

I wish my advices to you do help.

A mother can take care of her five children, but five children can't take care of their mother.

I am not sure if Dad is a widower and how old he is. However, I think you get the call because you are more dependable and he knows in his heart of hearts that the other children really don't care about him/love him in the way you do.
He probably cares for you more even before being needy. The idea that they are so busy in the corporate world that taking on some caregiving for their elderly dad is nonsense.

Just do what you can. Try to see if Dad can join some groups, perhaps have a community transportation van take him to events he likes in addition to his needed medical appointments. However if you go to the doctors with him it is time consuming but I found I could better understand his medicines, therapies and what I could expect him to go in the areas of walking and not. Seniors tend not to recall or listen to the entire speech by their primary doctor-they get about half of the message. Get doctors who can be called and return calls on evenings and weekends so if he gets sick in the middle of the night it doesn't mean you are hauling him off to the ER. It means a lot as the parent ages.

If your siblings can be made to care about their dad, write them a snail mail not telling them they need to step up. Their children and grandchild that they are going to soccer practice with and using as an excuse not to care for their father--can wait for a while. Dad is at the end of his life, his needs need to be put front and center.

Think of where your dad would be if you---it would be a sad life for him.

You need to establish bonderies and get him help

This might be difficult but at least consider it...Tell dad and siblings you are going to take a week off at such and such a date to get away and recharge your batteries....Upon return you will be making phone calls and visiting dad, but will make no contact while "away." Then do it....repeat often...

Also tell siblings that you are falling apart and need them to step up and give you some relief...if they live too far away to visit dad, then they can pitch in some $$$ to hire CNAs to visit dad in your absences...

Best wishes,

1. Request a family meeting (even if by phone and including Dad).
2. Provide an agenda so they can give it some thought.
3. Be prepared with a list of your needs.
4. Be specific about what you will do (set your boundary lines).
5. Be clear that you expect them (as also his children) to contribute.
6. Formulate an agreement of shared responsibility
7. Have EVERYONE sign off on this "Caregiving Contract."

Life alert or one of those companies are great when your dad is alone as long as he is able. If he falls he uses the button to tell an operator his issue and they either come or send ambulance. Wish this was around when my sisters mother in law fell and no one found her for three days. Give it a try, there may be a little comfort in that. Hugs from a sibling in a similar situation, but my siblings all live close by, but do not want to give up their nice day at their pool....nice huh? Prayers to you and hope this helped a little!
Cindie.

Know how you feel!!!

Last weekend I broke down in tears as I could not fix a plumbing issue that the Internet said was easy. My brothe, a contractor, could not be bothered driving the hour and a half to come assist. I have always lived with my parents knowing that the day would come when my parents would need help. Being the youngest and our dad's only child, I knew it would fall to me. Dad passed 3 years ago and my siblings rarely visit. One is in Ohio and one San Diego so we being in Sacramento are a distance. My brothers rarely call and my sister will call me or sometimes answer my calls but never calls my mom. So I am in the same boat. My suggetions: sit down with your dad to see what he needs help with. Consolidate what you can. If you need to make his meals and do his grocery shopping, tell him you will shop nice a week and cook his meals at your house. Blast your radio or whatever you need but prepare your meals and his ahead of time. Then when you are "off", you can completely relax. If he expects you to clean for him, tell him that he can do dusting and sweeping but get your siblings to pay for a cleaning service every other week for the big stuff. If he expects you to do his laundry, take yours over and do it together while you and he watch a movie and have dinner. Enjoy your time together. When he is gone, you will know that you have done what you could but will still have a better feeling toward him then if you let resentment fester. If he needs help with bills, plan one day every other week, or have him sign some checks ahead of time and pay them from your house. Then the movie / laundry night, show him his bank register. Show him where the money went. I would also reach out to his friends and former colleagues. If he is lonely, he may enjoy getting together with "the guys" to reminisce or watch sports. You do not have to do it all alone and there are probably people who would love to spend some time with him. It is just a matter of finding them and matching them up with times he needs company. Saturday one of mom's former coworkers came with lunch an I got a movie and 5 hours out and it is amazing how much easier it is to know that mom has company and is enjoying her time while I am gone.

All of these are good suggestions and so hard to personally start. I found that when I pulled away for a little time, he wanted to know what I was doing. Dad was physically mobile and was on hospice for a year a half. He refused the hospice help and said he didn't care for them, only a select few. He said he didn't need them he had me. My sister only showed up when she needed money, but he always justified that she had to work. A statement she claims to this day. I was put down and told that I didn't work, but when I gave her the heads up that Dad was not doing well, I could see him going downhill, she ingore my statements and acted like she resented me, but claim her and Dad was very close. When he passed, she told me she didn't have any more family. (Our mother is still living and turned 79 yesterday). At one of the hospital stays at the beginning of the year for my mother. We were waiting for her to come out of surgery, she told me, I can bring something to eat or come visit, but don't expect anything else! Thank You very much! I struggle with anxiety, emotional rollercoaster. It's amazing how much it takes from you, career, independence, security, but I really got to discuss important things one on one with my Dad. I miss him....

Ferris 1, nice way to attack the sole caregiver. Yes, you most certainly can blame the siblings!

It is their father as well, if they were decent people they would take turns and come to where the father and the OP live and help out. Without the OP even having to ask. Something like "I'm here for the week, you concentrate on you'.

In many cases the caregiving falls onto the shoulders of one adult child. Everyone can all live within 25 miles of each other and it still happens.

The posters who mentioned boundaries and laying down the rules is a good idea, also getting these siblings to cover the cost of hiring a home health aide.

But it is perfectly normal and understandable to resent the do nothing sibling.

I know from my own experience, it is amazing how they can never help out but seem to arrive for the reading of the trust/will.

I empathize with you and am walking the same long, tiring road with my elderly Dad and my Mother, who has Alzheimer's. What has helped me the most was hiring a trustworthy caregiver who was paid out of my parents' income. Because my Mother lived for us for two years, I discovered that respite care (where you occasionally put your parent in a nursing home for a few days) was a lifesaver. Once my Mother was enrolled in hospice care, her respite stays were funded by hospice. I also have a somewhat demanding father, who sometimes phones me six times a day. I choose when to answer and when to disregard his calls. Setting boundaries is important for your long-term well-being and for the sake of keeping a healthy relationship with your Dad. As for absent and thoughtless siblings, I have given up asking for help. It's like teaching a pig to sing: it's a waste of your time and annoys the pig. I pray that you find the resources and energy to cope with your family's situation. You are not alone.

Care2love, We had a similar situation. My sister didn't live with Mother but was at her beckon call. Plus, my sister told Mother everything. If my sister had to have a roof replaced - mother would gripe and gripe. (It didn't have anything to do with Mother.)

I put distance between me and my mother, for a reason. She will suck the life out of you. I really did not agree with my sister doing every little thing for mother. Maybe your siblings feel that way about you.

All it did was delay living in a nursing home, where she is well taken care of. She outlived my sister.

What happens if your dad outlives you? Whatever that would be, do it now, so you can enjoy your life.

I feel your pain. Mom lived in the same town as my brothers and yet they did nothing for her. She moved closer to me so I could care for her because otherwise no one else would. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm not an only child. Not that it matters. I'm all she has. It is exhausting sometimes and its not like we can suddenly just stop caring for them. I can't go anywhere or do anything for fear mom will fall or something terrible will happen and I won't be here to fix it. I swear I will never do this to my children. Its hard not to feel resentful about our situations. All I can say is you are not alone. There are others struggling with the exact same thing you are and doing so all alone. I'm single. I have no one to help me. No support system. Nothing. I just keep reminding myself how selflessly my mother loved and cared for me as a child and that makes it a little easier to take. I'm so sorry for your struggles. I know them all too well.

I don't have a solution to your problem but I might have some insight for you to think about. My mother has been the same way for the past thirteen years. But she goes to counseling every other week. Three years ago her counseler asked me if I felt I had anything to add. I won't tell you exactly how much I unloaded on her but she did tell me one thing that she'd a lot of light on a lot of problems. She told me that the reason my mother was being so demanding of me and my time was because she is afraid of being left alone or abandoned if you will. As the youngest child my mother has seen all the rest of her children grow up and move away. They almost never call or visit. When it was my turn she realized that when I left there would be no one else there. My mother started using guilt and shame to keep me at home. After one nasty fight I left. Just packed up a bag with clothes and left. I didn't leave a forwarding address either. Two years later I was contacted that I needed to come back. When I did things between us where much better. She realized that I WOULD and could leave if she was not nicer and she also appreciates the things I do more. I am not saying that things a perfect just better. Your father just sounds scared to me.

Don't know dad's physical or mental condition, but sounds like it's time to investigate a home helper or independent/assisted living communities. Lots of hints in my ebook"Bold Actions for Helping Older Parents." You can't change dad's thinking or hurtful words, but don't let it get you down. Make a move out of this situation by getting others to be there for him. If your siblings don't want to come, then there is nothing you can do about. Don't ruin your relationship with them by taking it personally. Perhaps you can look at this situation from a neutral setting and realize why they don't want to help. Being an adult child of aging parents does not mean we take everything on. Give yourself a break. Look at assisted living and community programs. NOW

Make a list of things that need to get done. Do this with your Dad if he is able, and email to your siblings. Then ask them to sign up for some of the functions. Calling in the morning, afternoon. Helping with bills. Once a week deep cleaning, bed making, laundry folding. Twice a week shopping, including diapers etc. Once an evening each week to take Dad out to dinner so you have alone time. Bathing. set up same day, same time schedules that Dad can refer to. Then hire an in home aide with Dad's money to bathe him, feed him lunch, maybe early dinner Monday - Friday. Write it down in an email to everyone, and make a copy for your dad. Good Luck.