My dad died after a horrible year of stress and very little sleep for me. Relieved he is not suffering, but I can’t sleep over 5 hours Help!

I too, was so alert to baby monitor for my husband, who was in the next room, with Hospice. I barely got any sleep the 4 months he was home. Even after he passed, had trouble getting my 8 hours. Started taking Melatonin 10 mg, over=the=counter vitamin, taking it an hour before sleep...helped somewhat, and eventually got back to 8 hours. Try a banana 2 hours before sleep.

It takes a while to readjust to changes in sleep habits. I still check that I have my phone nearby In case someone calls about Mom, who died in December.

Age could be a factor, as well as health issues. I just found out that I have a thyroid problem which causes sleep issues. Have you discussed this with a medical professional? Maybe your insurance has an on-line option you can call. I think the first thing is to rule out any medical cause, then seek help from a sleep clinic or advisor. What works for one person may not work for you.

I don't know how old you are, but if you are not retired or living off of disability you need to look for a job to be able to support yourself. Caregiving over the years will adversely affect your livelihood unless your dad was well off and left you enough to live or retire on.

When I can't sleep I play a computer game and it takes my mind off the world then suddenly I feel how tired I am and simply fall asleep

Like you, I was a longtime caregiver (five years) and hardly ever slept more than a few hours at a time. Towards the end, I was having to wake up every hour or two and would often find myself changing all of the sheets after an accident, having to cook or change diapers in the middle of the night, dispensing medicine, or whatever. After my fiance passed and the necessity ended, the poor sleep habits continued. I was despairing of ever getting a good night's sleep. It took months, but now I do! Here's how I changed my sleep habits:
1. For a few weeks I took one 5mg. tablet of extended release Melatonin.
2. Stopped drinking either coffee or tea after about 3pm.
3. Limited ALL liquids about 3 hours before my intended bedtime.
4. Stopped watching TV after 10pm and started reading instead.
5. Wore loose-fitting socks in bed. For whatever reason, they help me sleep better (possibly because my feet are warm).
6. If I woke during the night and hadn't gone back to sleep in just a few minutes, I would read a book, NOT look at my phone. The blue light from a phone or computer interferes with sleep.
7. Did NOT use a white noise machine (latest research shows that the constant low-level noise can actually cause hearing loss.)
8. Get on a regular schedule. Go to bed at roughly the same time every night, and get up at the same time every morning.
9. Let time work its magic. You have been through a lot, and with time your body will return to better habits. In the meantime, if you feel drowsy during the day, take a short nap (not so long that it keeps you from sleeping at night).
10. You might consider using a weighted blanket. These have been proven to reduce anxiety. They are available online and at stores too.
Your body is trying to tell you that you need more rest. Tell your mind to listen to it, because it is wiser than most of the people giving you advice, including me!

That's where I am as well and it's 3 years since Dad & his dog passed. I had 2 of them. Doubt I ever get out of that 2 year pattern of caregiving that I did as a live in.

As someone that has done shift work for 90% jobs, I have been suffering from abnormal body clock but still managed to sleep or catch up on it on days off. Now I’m looking after Mum and full time work so I’m averaging around 4-5h sleep a night. But worse is my body has decided to be tired during the day and awake at night. I’m now in a new job thanks to covid and I’m struggling with the 9-5 hours. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be normal with my sleep pattern. But I do hope I’ll start getting some more rest. Doesn’t help that Mum is typically only getting up at 2pm and going to bed 3am. It’s 4.49am atm and I’m still to have dinner. I feel that it will take you some time to get used to sleeping more but whatever you do, don’t let your body clock slide to being a night owl. I feel like I’m dealing with 2 problems, one being circadian rhythm and the other being only having 4-5h sleep. But in my case the lack of sleep is forced atm. You can hopefully slowly get back on track. The rain app on the phone is really good :) and do you go for a walk before going to bed? I sometimes do even if it’s midnight just around the house but I have a long drive way with multiple townhouses so feel safe. My doc said I need to start getting up early even on the weekends to force myself back to rhythm but I don’t have the energy for that.

I have a small glass of milk with a magnesium supplement about half an hour before bed. It helps a lot. There are also apps, one is called the tapping solution that is a form of guided meditation. This works best if you don't have someone next to you who may not appreciate the noise. Also, keep a journal so that if you wake up and are struggling to go back to sleep, it can help to get your thoughts on paper (or onto a laptop).

My 87 year old loved one died of Covid two weeks ago. I’ve been caretaking for the last five years, with the last year being glued to the phone, waiting to hear the next bit of bad news. Have you tried Melatonin? It’s a natural sleep inducer that is available over the counter. Also, an indica gummy right before bed does wonders. There are some good sleep inducing meditations on YouTube. Good luck, and may you sleep soundly and deeply.

You ate only a couple of months into recovering from the stress of care taking and the shock of your dad's death. Give yourself time. Worrying about whether you will ever sleep again will keep you awake.

I have not slept through the night for the last 40 years, but I learned that "bi-phasic sleep" is a normal pattern for some people, so now I do not fret too much if I wake up during the night. Don't think too far ahead when you wake up in the night. If morning comes before you've slept enough, promise yourself a (short!!) nap sometime during the day. You may not ever bother with it.

Don't schedule things for too early in the morning, so youcan sleep a little later if you do fall back to sleep.

The after effects of care taking and a death may take several months to wind down. Entirely normal. Be your own care taker now and don't demand too much of yourself.

I went through the same thing. You are always alert and it’s hard to get used to not having to be so. Have you tried melatonin? It works great for me as I’ve never been a very good sleeper. I still wake up but I’m able to get back to sleep easily.

Let me offer my sympathy for your loss and stress. I lost my husband, my love, about four months ago so I can sort of understand.

Your body set itself into a ‘can do’ pattern to deal with the demand and stress. It can reset itself, but it will take time. You now must retrain it back to normal. It will take awhile, but I believe it will happen. Here are some of the things I do or think would help.
Take walks, exercise, swim (if possible), have lunch with friends, get a pet and foster a pet, mentally tell your self, he is out of misery now, i did what I could, now I can do what makes me happy. Buy new clothes. And I have found a CBD product that helps make me BE CLAM. It does soothe the nerves without any side effects. One during the day, one at night. It helps.
Of course, there are reminders and bumpy times. But hopefully your body will adjust. Give yourself time. Four months, unfortunately, is not very long for the kind of stress you have experienced for your whole self to get back to its old self.

Spring is coming, plant a small garden, walk in the sunshine, chat with friends. Buy something new, like a new sweater, shoes. Be happy that your Dad is no longer suffering.

my sincere best wishes
Bernadette

Hello,
#1
you will get back to a sleep pattern that gives you what you need.

#2
you have been “shell shocked”
this is true and completely expected for a caregiver, don’t feel alone.

#3
take a conscious and deliberate step in getting a good nights sleep by doing SOMETHING like investing in a white noise devise or app on your phone.

#4
realize and remember that your loved one is no longer in pain and suffering

#5
deep long breathes

#6
smile
i know it may sound silly but try it
at bedtime, it’s amazing how it will calm you in to the perfect body/mind set to sleep well.

I know this will help you if you take it seriously.
you WILL heal in time.
you must allow yourself to do so.
you did what you had to do for your loved one and now you need to do it for you.

I doubt your sleep is permanently altered, though sleep patterns do change as we age. It sounds like you are still in high alert mode! I know what that's like. It took a long time before I stopped jumping whenever a phone rang. I even dreamed phone calls. Possibly you are still dealing with business related to your parent which keeps the issues in your mind. I can only tell you what worked for me. I had put so much of my own life on hold, I barely knew myself any more. Exercise helped, especially outdoors. No pressure, just moving. I got a little hydroponic garden which gave me something to care for. I remembered I used to draw and got some colored pencils. In short I tried to find my way back to my own life. I also talked to a therapist a couple times. Be kind to yourself. Find something that makes you feel good. I wish you well.

I take an extended release melatonin and I listen to talk radio or go against the norm and look at calming video no audio or FB on my phone till I get sleepy then I’m out within 5 min and sleep 6-7 hrs. I used to get 7-8 but those days are over since getting older seems to change things
best of luck but I think in time your body will adjust😊

Be patient, it will take time to get to a more normal sleep pattern, it's only been a couple of months. Try spraying lavender on your sheets and pillow, it's soothing and relaxing. Sorry for your loss and I wish you the best.

I’m so sorry to hear what you and your mom and family have been through.

My last child started sleeping consistently through the night just 2 years ago. After years of being up at all hours of the night to care for children, it took me about 6 months to be able to sleep through the night. I had a relaxing bedtime routine, limited fluids, and took 3mg melatonin which helped me to get to sleep, but I still woke up completely wired (and exhausted) around 3am and couldn’t get back to sleep. It finally helped me to extend my sleep by going to bed earlier (9-9:30pm) and then earlier (8-8:30pm). Once I had established that routine, I changed my routine again by staying up later and later until I was tired enough to “break” through the 3am barrier and regularly sleep beyond 3am. Now I have no issues sleeping until 6 or 7am. In the past I have used the same strategy for severe jet lag (12 hour time difference moving to SE Asia and then back to the US), and a similar strategy might help you after you take the time you need to grieve.

I support the answers that recommend exercise and establishing a regular routing. I'd avoid screen time if you wake up in the middle of the night. Yoga stretching can be very relaxing. Yoga Nidra is a very gentle form. If you don't have any problem with herbs, chamomile tea could help (make sure you know if it conflicts with any meds you may be on). If you have the ability to talk to a grief counselor or spiritual counselor, that could help. It takes a while to retrain the body not to be on constant alert. I think two months is too brief a time to expect yourself to recalibrate.

My mother is living alone with moderate dementia. I am an only child living in another state and have not been able to visit due to Covid restrictions. This weighs heavily on me, and has disrupted my sleep. I use an app called Sleep Cycle to retrain my sleep patterns. That, meditation, and hiring an elder care advisor to assess my mother’s needs has helped me improve.

I’m so sorry to hear about your father.
I never had problems falling asleep until my father died. At the time, sleep was my escape and I just couldn’t. Time and cutting out caffeine helped me eventually, but I feel your pain!

My mom passed in July and my Dad in Dec. They both lived with us, so I get the monitor and phone being near you 24/7. I was up til 3-4am for weeks:months when my mom passed. I would take some Less Stress gummies and watch my favorite sit com til I fell asleep. Probably not the best, but it worked for me. I pray for you. It’s not an easy time.

I have the same problem. It’s been about 3 years, and it is now getting beginning to get better.

The advice you get, while sound, is usually difficult to implement. I’m speaking here of what they call ‘sleep hygiene’:
1. establish regular sleep hours
2. Avoid naps (especially long naps over 20-30 minutes)
3. Get exercise every day, preferably outside.
4. use the bedroom only for sleep or sex
5. do something calming for the hour before bed.

most of these are just hard to do on a regular basis, especially when you are already exhausted.

I like to watch news before bed. Just can’t seem to give that up. It’s like seeing a wreck on the highway. You know you shouldn’t look but can’t turn away.

I tried melatonin, didn’t work. Trazadone worked for a while, but after 6 months I had to up the dose, after a year I felt like a zombie.

I am finally learning to accept that I often will sleep only 5-6 hours at night. Then I nap when needed, but I try to keep naps short.

Meditation is also helpful, but not so easy as it may sound.

I'm experiencing the same thing. I recently placed my husband with dementia in a care home and I thought I would immediately get my good 7 hrs sleep. Wrong. I agree with the poster who suggested counseling as my Support Group has been a fabulous help in my journey to retrieve myself. We didn't establish these crazy habits overnight and we won't get rid of them overnight either. I'm finding that the more I reclaim my former life (getting back to my quilting, the ability to maintain a much less cluttered home, eating better, etc.) the more continuous sleep I get.

Look online and find calm.com app. You can try a 7 day free subscription and then you have to pay after that. I will tell you this app has saved my life many times. There are all kinds of meditations for stress, anxiety and everything else. The best thing is they have some thing called sleep stories which I listen to almost every night. I rarely hear more than four or five minutes of the story and then it is morning. I’ve often used them to get back to sleep after a wake up during the night, I don’t know what it is but it is a miracle cure for me.

Also for the last four months I’ve been working with a sleep psychologist at the Cleveland clinic sleep disorders center. She has me do a sleep journal and then every month or so we check in about sleep habits. She had me do a reset of my sleep cycle and it also helped tremendously. I’m sleeping usually about six hours straight a night which is an enormous improvement over what I was doing. Also at my age she says six hours straight is probably as much as anyone could expect.

I'm going to suggest a somewhat different approach that I'm seriously considering after having tried it a few times. Are there times during the day when you feel particularly sleepy? (For me it's around 3 or 4 PM.) If your schedule would permit, it might be worth taking a nap, perhaps a good long one (sometimes an hour or two), to catch up on sleep. I have found that doing so makes me feel rested, and although I still sleep the same amount at night (i.e., getting awake at 3 or 4 AM and lying awake for a couple hours), I manage to "grab" more hours of sleep over a 24 hr period.

I'm thinking that one's body will tell a person what will work best for it, even if it doesn't align with the "modern" schedule. If one is retired and doesn't have caregiving responsibilities (or no longer has them), then one has more freedom to discover and adopt the daily routine that works best.

I recall reading that before the "industrial age" many people slept at various times of the day as their work and other responsibilities permitted. The "get up and stay up until night time" routine was mandated by the institution of 8 hour (or longer) shifts in factories, etc. (although many other walks of life undoubtedly kept people busy continuously throughout the day). Now so many societies are "programmed" to believe that sleeping during the day is a sign of laziness.

I totally feel you- my dad just passed 3 weeks ago but my sleep isn’t what I was hoping for yet. I’d like to suggest that you take up meditation. It helps quiet the mind and might make the sleep you do get now more restful. It does take a little while to settle into meditating, but it’s worth being patient!!Someone mentioned CBD. It can help but not all products are created equally! I used Charlottes Web and got great results during the past couple years as my parents health was failing. I don’t use it anymore, but it was helpful! Good luck!

My guess would be your body and mind need adjustment to the change. If you are like most, when you physically lie down, your mental (and emotional) turn on. Maybe, you could try starting a routine to calm down. Do what relaxes your body (physically and mentally) such as reading, listen to music or meditation, stretch or maybe do breathing exercises, just find what works for you. You have been through a year of constant activity and it takes your body and mind time to recover. Do not get discouraged, rest when you can and hopefully you will get back to a better night’s sleep. Some may suggest seeking medical help and this may be necessary. But be careful not to rely on sleep aids. This is just my personal opinion, I am not a medical professional, I try to avoid drugs, if possible. You should do what works for you!

I had the same situation. Solved the problem to a great extent by using a talking audible book on iPad or a podcast on my phone by my pillow. As boring as possible, certainly don’t choose a page turner! Set the timer ti switch it off after 30 mins. If I concentrated on it it always put me to sleep within 15 mins. Rewind the next time. Do the same after you have woken in the night. It was like magic! Hope it works for you.

I have no additional advice ~ LOTS of great suggestions already posted. Just offering comfort in knowing that you’re in good company. My parents both passed nine months apart (mom just three weeks ago). Both had “good deaths” with little suffering and passed at home (per their wishes) with family. That’s definitely a blessing, especially knowing how many folks couldn’t be with their loved ones who have died in nursing homes during the covid pandemic.
As my parents’ primary caregiver the past few years, I understand sleeping with one eye (and ear!) always open. Even though my parents are gone, I still go into their bedroom to check on them. Although, now (until we can have a memorial service), their cremains are in urns resting on a bureau ~ so at least I can say hi.
Take care and go easy on yourself!!

Yoh have been in a war..a mental..emotional...one...it has taken a toll on you..no doubt...your body clock got used to the hectic schedule...you can try CBD oil...I know people who have had sleep problems due to anixiety issues have good results sleeping using CBD oil...please take care of yourself..you've earned a good nites rest..Be Safe&Well

I am the primary caregiver for my husband who has advanced Alzheimer’s. I too sleep with one eye opened and as a result, I only have 3-4 hours of sleep each day. And I have a full-time job.

I asked my husband’s neurologist about my lack of sleep and he said it could take several years for the previous sleep pattern to return after the stressor is gone. Meaning, after my husband passes away.

So, give your body time to heal itself and you can then regain your equilibrium.