My Dad 95 doesn’t want any more communication with me. Will I never see him again?

You know, I have to say that dementia/ALZ is probably THE worst condition a person could ever be afflicted with, for the sufferer, of course, but for the FAMILY even more so. Your father has put in his mind that you are The Bad Guy and you won't be able to chop that thought out of there with a chisel. That's the nature of dementia and I witness it all the time with my 93 y/o mother. She's had bouts of hatred towards me but they've been short lived to date. If the time comes that she wants me out of her life permanently, I will bow out gracefully.......because truthfully, I'm sick and tired of ALL of it. But of course I would feel sad......or, saddER than I already feel for the loss that has occurred in everyone's lives to date thanks to this foul affliction.

With dementia, their behavior tends to change from day to day. Your father may wake up tomorrow and forget he doesn't want to see you...........so don't give up and say you'll NEVER see him again, you know? Things COULD easily change. Try calling him on the phone to apologize for whatever you've done to upset your dad. Who knows........it may work!

Wishing you the best of luck coping with such a tough situation.

I'm sorry your daughter lost the opportunity to ask your father more about his mistaken thoughts and explore what's happening in his mind. Does anyone else have any idea? - this part about its being advised that you step back, for example: who advised you to do so, and what was the reasoning?

Also, how long is it since your father's thinking became so distorted?

I'm sorry for this in your life.

Dad is not the dad you grew up with. Sometimes we have to mourn the loss of a person long before they actually die.

My mom is chronically unhappy with me--blames me for the estrangement of our OB (who died 8 years ago) blames me for all the things that 'can't happen' because I won't organize it.

It's twisted thinking. She didn't want a 90th birthday party. Was forceful about it and told me in no uncertain terms not to plan one. (Truth: YOU BETTER DO SOMETHING!!) But I took her at her word and passed this on to YB. He didn't do anything until the week before the day and was amazed that I'd held my ground and not only had not planned anything, I was probably not even going to go if someone planned something.

So, almost last minute YB and YS got something thrown together and in the end she was happy with it.

She never calls me, never returns calls if I call her, if I go to visit I come home with a raging headache. I don't NEED this in my life. This behavior pre-dates any dementia she may be experiencing.

I have already mourned the loss of any relationship we once had. When she does die, I doubt I'll feel much.

Dementia is a horrible thing. If it causes the LO to be angry and mean, esp. Some people are blessed with becoming sweeter and nicer.

I would seek to distance myself, for self preservation, if this relationship is causing you pain. You can't make dad understand--his brain is broken. Try to remember the good times and let those be your solace in this.

I am truly sorry for your situation. It's painful--we lose LO's before we actually lose them.

I saw nothing saying Dementia was involved even though I think this maybe the problem. Profile says "age decline".

I think Dad needs a good physical. There can be physical things going on that are causing the problem.

If you have so much money that your own health care is insured for your own lifetime, then the charitable output for a man who has chosen to have no communication with you is laudable. I myself would not do as much, I can tell you. Your father may have sunk deep into dementia. If so, given he has taken an extreme dislike to you, he will be more comfortable without you. And I cannot imagine trying to continue to get in touch with him would bring either of you anything but heartbreak.
I would step back after a note telling him I love him, and have always loved him, and will continue to hope for the best for him, that if he ever wishes to see me I am available. I would address this to the husband and the wife. Then I would back away and that includes monitarily.
I certainly could not guess at what got "into" my father. But I am not certain I would honestly care. It is wonderful that he has not cut off his grandchildren, but who knows whether the future will see him do that or not. Dementia can hit so hard that quite honestly the person is GONE, and there is but a shell left, who is not your Dad.
So sorry. There has to be a lot of grief in this, because honestly it is a DEATH before he dies. I think that when these whims hit there is honestly not much of a way to deal with them.
Has his wife spoken to you? Does she have any clue as to what is happening with him? Or does it seem she might be a part of all this?

My 93 year old mother in law, with whom I have NOT had a wonderful relationship, cobbles up fearsome hateful grudges against family members and runs them down to anyone who will listen. Some of them have been dead for 50 years. Living family filter on and off her hate list apparently by whim, usually claiming they "stole from her".

It seems being fearful of losing possessions is where a lot of the "big" end of life fears get placed. My grandfather did the same thing.

If you have the means to continue providing for his care, I certainly would NOT spitefully cut him off, as someone suggested. I know it's painful to be rejected and slandered, my MIL does it to me, even though my husband and I are about the only family left who will put up with her. You (and your children) know who you are and what you are about, who your father was for most of his life, and how he treated you for most of his life. This is most likely part of "raging against the dying of the light" and at 95 he is unlikely to be persuaded to understand the truth. M. I know it hurts, but for his peace of mind and to spare yourself heartache, staying away is probably your best course of action. Im glad your children can keep looking after him.

My big question is where is his wife in all this? Who she is and what she's about might be a piece of the puzzle.

This is very common in demented old people. I think it is because they put their stuff in strange places and cannot find things later so they blame the person who has come to see them. That was you. The only other option is to see that they don't know what they are doing and they have lost their mind (true) and that is too hard to face. So it has to be you because you were there. They are protecting their sanity. Nothing you can do. Sad! Funny thing, even when they have a diagnosis of dementia, we are surprised at these odd beliefs they have. It is their condition, not you.

You said you’ve always had a good relationship. My mother always verbally abused me and I was on her hit list til she died( I think put there due to some help from my jealous narcissistic sister) but she constantly accused my daughter as well and the day she died, out of it for days , not really recognizing a lot , she told my daughter how much she loved her. Only family member she did that to. Moral of the story, who knows with dementia. I think some of the bad personality traits get worse as the usual conversation filters go but that core person still remains

In addition to all the wise advice here in this forum, I would recommend a med review just to make sure he isn't taking something that can cause paranoia. My stepmother took Ambien for about 6 years to help her sleep after my father died. She gradually underwent a personality change that concerned everyone. No one could figure it out -- she was taken from specialist to specialist (including a neurologist) until her DIL asked for a med review. It was the Ambien. She stopped taking it and was back to being herself again! So, med review is just a good thing to cross off your list. Good luck!!!

When my sister got dementia, she started accusing family members of stealing from her. She accused my sister of stealing money. She wouldn’t speak to my brother for a year or more- claimed he came over and stole Christmas presents she was wrapping, etc. I lived with her for a year, trying to help, and she thought I had stolen her purse when she couldn’t find it, etc.
After she had to move to an Assisted Living facility, she was always happy to see us. She became particularly fond of our brother again and would remark when he missed coming to see her (or she forgot he had come).
So, they change and, in some things, for the better.
I can’t recommend life in an ALF/Memory Center- It’s been very hard. I’d prefer that my sister had been able to remain in her home. But, in her case, when she was home, she was worried about people stealing from her.

Keep trying to communicate. Whatever you do (contrary to some advice on this forum) never blame others, Don’t blame your Dad (aging is tough), don’t blame his wife (caretaking is tough) and don’t blame anyone else, his aging brain or God. Do your very best navigating these strange circumstances. You have always loved your Dad. Keep loving him. Maybe this is a phase that will pass.

Am I suggesting you do this all for your Dad when he isn’t even being nice? No, do this all for yourself. Don’t let blame, anger and hate hijack your life.

As for his wife, be extremely grateful she is there - if he is having these problems with you, certainly her job is very hard. When your Dad rejects you, offer her support — she is navigating an unthinkable crisis.

Animals often isolate themselves at the end of their life. Maybe that is instinct. When one close relative was dying of cancer, all visits from all people were prohibited. That relative did not want people to see him in his end stages. He did not want to be remembered that way. He did not want to say goodbye. At the time I felt hurt, but adapted to respect and understand his choice.

Before you break it off completely, show up at his door with open arms And see what happens....he might not recognize you as that person he hates. My H thinks 3 people live in our home, but it’s just me and him. If I leave and come back of change clothes he asks me where is that other pain in the @ss girl? Lol

Is his wife open to helping with this situation? Can you ask his PCP for help sending a social worker or someone to help? Obviously paranoia is part of an unhealthy brain but its hard not to take it personally. My mother has dementia and chooses me to argue with about anything and everything. It is exhausting and when she starts I chose to leave her apartment. She has plenty of care and all her needs are met. I wonder what would happen if you just showed up.

Based on his accusing you of stealing things, I assume there's some dementia.

In way, dementia stages are, to me, akin to the stages that children go through. This is a stage. It will change, it's just impossible to know exactly when. Could be a week, a month, more.

Stick to no contact for a set period of time, then check in with him and see if things have changed. If not, do that again. The change in his mindset can come at any time, it's unpredictable.

You're doing everything right; this is something that is beyond your control. Your father's brain has changed, not his love for you.

Had this with my mother. With dementia, they will eventually forget it happened. At 95, he doesn’t have much time left, you are doing what you can and that’s all you can do so let it go. What will be will be.

It's the disease talking. My mom is the same. She doesn't want my sister and I around any longer so we hired a caregiver who she doesn't like. Nothing makes them happy and if it does, in 5 minutes they are miserable.
Cherish your memories. Imo, this is NOT your Dad. He's gone. Stay strong.

My heart goes out to you. It's possible MIL is saying things about you and it's the same for her she doesn't really mean what she is saying. Do you have a picture of you and your dad? Maybe if someone brings an old picture of you together it will bring back memories of the good times you both had and he will welcome that person.

If his second wife can do nothing about this, then I doubt you can. You are under no contact with him. I think that I would practice stepping away now. You have written before to say your adult children have contact. Please ask them to stop putting on your doorstep things about which you can do nothing now but worry. If they cannot handle it, and if his wife cannot handle it, then certainly YOU cannot handle it.
Step away and get on with life, making your own life quality. Tell the kids you love that they have contact with grandpa and appreciate support they can give, but that you really no longer wish to hear about problems you are forbidden to address; it is only hurtful for you and serves no good purpose.
If you are determined, you can take what knowledge you have to the DMV and ask them if there is any way they can do a driver's test with him next time; in covid-19 times that won't happen either, but hopefully we will not always be dealing with this.
The best way to deal with no contact is to make no contact. For myself that would include my money as well; but that's up to you.

My dad who always told me I was one of his favorites became very angry at me when we had to move him from AL to LTC. He ranted, raved, screamed, cursed and was just generally mean and abusive towards me. I was to blame etc. I actually severed all contact with him for two months because it affected my physical and mental health so much. I still could only go visit twice a month after all that.

Then he became repentant and apologized for ever saying anything mean. had some better times afterwards although he still kept talking about how much he missed his friends and hated LTC. By the time Covid hit and I could no longer visit for 3 months until one day they said they would wheel him outdoors and we could sit and talk. By then he was pretty far down the dementia hole and I knew that the isolation from Covid had taken it's toll. He was nearly 99 and the first and last words out of his mouth before he died two weeks later was "I almost hate you". After that he wouldn't talk or look at me. And they wheeled him back to his room and then he entered hospice after going on a hunger strike.

As Lealonnie1 said this disease is so cruel to all involved. It makes me sad that this is how I remember his last words after all I did to make his life better for 7 years and how we used to be close. I know it was his dementia and unhappiness that made him say it but still....

I'm sorry you are hearing this from your father and I hope it will turn around. Just say to yourself...his brain is broken. He does sound like he has illusions and paranoia and you have become the bad guy. There is no one else to blame but the one who seems to be in charge, so to speak. Sometimes medications can help...even just a simple antidepressant can. I don't know if you can talk to his doctor about the behavior but it might be helpful.

I would advice let things settle for now and keep your distance for a short period of time. Do not give up on your dad. Remember the good memories, and years of a close father/ daughter relationship. He has dementia, and it is not his fault. I would be devastated, if my mother became agitated, and did not want to see me too. Step back and hopefully his attitude will change as it often does. Prayer works wonders. That is how I get through everything in my life. Things are not easy at times, but with faith and hope, things will get better as it has for me. When you see your dad, give him a big hug and tell him you love him. I would call often and check up on him. get updates from his wife. I am glad your kids have contact with him. The stealing accusations, my mother takes her purse to bed with her, thinking someone might steal her purse. It is a phase, may not last long, my mom does it on occasion, but behavior is getting less frequent. Did you spend time alone with your dad at the time, if not maybe go solo. Too many people all at once creates some confusion in some elders. I am wishing you peace and comfort as you try to figure this all out.
Med review as advised from JD is a good idea, I would call his primary or neurologist and discuss his recent behavior.

I wonder if it would do any good at all for the visiting daughter to ask your father how you managed to "ruin his life forever" when he brings this up, in case there is either something he's accusing you of that didn't happen, or he's resentful for something you did that he simply didn't like (such as doing something to keep him safe that he didn't appreciate). I'm figuring that this could be particularly helpful if you ever need to set the record straight in case someone believes his accusations. There is always the possibility of "clearing your name" in his eyes--for example, if he accuses you of having stolen something that he can't remember selling, then perhaps you'll have evidence to show him otherwise. When my father was accused of using his father-in-law's money to buy a new car, my father just showed him the bank statement proving the money was all still there, and he seemed to accept this and quit making this accusation. (This FIL, my maternal grandfather, already had a certain level of dementia and was always a bit on the narcissistic side, so he'd make silly statements and accusations--sometimes upon waking up he was already "stewing" about something!)

Do you have any relationship with his 2nd wife, and if so, how good is that relationship? Can she be of any help?

His mind is very mixed right now, for what ever reason. You know you have not done anything wrong and the financial care you are giving him is being given out of love for the man he has always been and meant to you. He is still the same man with a damaged brain. If a person had a brain injury due to an accident, things like this would not be a surprise. But with dementia, as this sounds to be, one can not explain a reason it seems for this to be happening.

Will he have different thoughts of you in time to come, maybe. My mother could be looking right at me and did not know I was her daughter. No matter what I and others told her. When I went out to take the garbage out, neighbors would ask, "How is mother doing today." And I would respond, "All depends who she thinks I am when I get back in."

With Alzheimers, you never know what to expect. My girlfriend's father was a very kind loving father but yet one day, when in a memory care home, he became so angry with her, he began hitting her all over and ended up knocking her down.

Now 12 years since my mother passed, my husband has alzhemers and when he gets a crazy thought in his mind it could last year's. Based on no facts. Anger about his brother in law, he refers to it often. This false thought his mind holds onto, but he can not remember if he ate an hour ago. I have informed all family members of this so that there is not a rif, with them believing what he says, about this or anything else.

So continue the love for the father you remember before his mind took a change. That man is still in there. Try not to be hurt.

My situation was similar. Excellent answers here, but in my case Mother forgot her recent arguments but not the hatred for me. This was partially her real personality. I was also paying some of her bills myself as well as doing her banking for her. She would call an enabling (flying monkey) niece, who never visited her. Mother would get fired up about me stealing from her and my bad treatment of her after these calls.
At one AL this niece called the facility about me, so they interviewed mother. The result was that they had to call APS about my reported abuse of her. I guess that made me a suspect. After that I refused to ever be alone with her or even close her door while there. It was hard on my family to go with me and hear the nastiness, but they understood and we saw no other option. Of course I still was called at all hours for every little need or to hear about the staff abusing her and stealing. The facility warned me before calling APS, I think because they did not want to kill the golden goose.
Looking back, I should have limited contact with her much more than I did. I should have worked on resolving the guilt instead of trying to do so much for her. One of the last things my mother said to me was that she never wanted me, but she thought my father did so she kept me. I miss my father, MIL and FIL very much. I do not miss my mother at all.
It does not really matter the reason for the verbal abuse, other than to help you feel a little better. The physical toll on you can be very real. Sadly I also allowed it to also affect my wonderful wife. Take care of yourself and your immediate family first.

So many reasons why your dad has become like this. Some can be treated. As others suggested, a med review might be in order. Another check could be for UTI. UTIs do strange things to elders, esp those with dementia.

If these checks can't be done (wife won't do it and/or you can't take him - even a home UTI test could be tried) or they are negative, then most likely it is the dementia talking. All too often those closest are the ones who get the brunt of the negativity/blame. When we took mom's car away, YB did the talking and taking of the keys, but I was the one to get the nasty call day 1 about taking the key and day 2 about why it won't work (I knew she had another key and asked YB to disable the car.) So, try not to take it personally.

I would not give up though. Many times this a a "phase" they go through. Periodically join one of your kids during their visit. If he clearly is upset/agitated with you there, step outside and let the grandkid(s) finish their visit. At some point he may get beyond this fixation and accept you again. Meanwhile, you have your good memories of him - relish those! You can also continue to send cards, notes and perhaps some small gifts. If these also upset him, the wife should let you know (or your kids, if they hear about it) and you could stop those. Phone calls could be tried, but wife may not allow him to talk with you or he may not want to.

You can always hold out hope that "this too shall pass" and your visits will be welcomed once again!

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Prayers sent,

I think it is the disease, but you should still visit regularly, even if briefly.

You really can’t expect a whole lot if he is 95 years old. It becomes hard to reason with most that are lucky enough to live that long. Most of my friends say if they reach that age and the mind gets bad, they had rather the Lord just have mercy and take them on to heaven. After witnessing my mother in a state of dementia, I agree with them. So, visit him and tell him you love him (if you wish) and ride it out that way.....low key. It is less stressful and you will know you did your best even if he bows up at you. Just smile and remember the good times. That is the calmest route.

prayers and I agree with the person who goes answered July 3, disgustedtoo

I understand your pain, this disease destroys their brain. It changes them so much that you don't know that new person. Continue your love and support for him has best as possible, but please especially for his wife who is going thru so much. It extremely difficult for that caregiver, you and your children continue to support her. I lost my husband to dementia after more than 15 years,with absolutely no support from his family. And I have to continue the the battle with my own mother with the same illness .Best for you and your family.