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Mom is 90 with dementia. She lives 300 miles away with my divorced brother. He is marginally mentally stable. He is a researcher and educator. He has DPOA. Mom only has Social Security and no other assets. He has claimed ownership of all of my parent's remaining possessions. I am able to visit Mom every couple of months, at brother's discretion. I have always wanted to be involved with caring for Mom. I have always offered to relieve my brother to give him a break. I have always believed that Mom should live with me. I am an RN. I work from home and make my own hours. I care for my disabled adult daughter who suffers from severe short term memory deficit. Professionally, I am experienced with dementia and elder care. I have a lovely bedroom for Mom in an environment that is safe, stimulating and loving. She would never be left alone as she is now. On my last visit, the house and Mom smelled worse than a bad nursing home. My brother appeared disheveled and dirty. He walked behind Mom and pulled her pants open, without warning. She jumped and he told her to shut the f*** up. I asked what the hell he was doing to which he said he was checking to see if she pissed her pants. I objected to his treatment. He responded with "What's the f***ing difference? She's not even a person anymore." He yells at her. He is a nasty, mean narcissist. He has a history of significant mental disorder and I suspect he is not taking his meds, as prescribed. In the past, when he didn't take meds, he was violent. He is slightly paranoid and highly suspicious. He will not ever agree to Mom living with me. I've told him to keep her Social Security. I just care about her health insurance. I've spoken to lawyers who tell me it will cost $30K to fight him in court. Our younger brother completely supports me and is ready to back me up. The only alternative I see is to arrange for APS to get involved if he refuses to cooperate. If APS removes Mom from his home, what happens to the DPOA? Will I be allowed to take Mom home? I don't want her transitioned elsewhere. Do I have to petition for guardianship? Mom is completely unable to consent to anything, That jerk won't tell me who her doctors are or what they say. I have no childhood issues or trauma from Mom. We were best friends for most of my life. If you listen to him, it's hard to believe we have the same Mom. He is so pathetic. Let's hear it. I need your input.

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Your brother treats your mother as you describe. You are an RN. You have experience of elder and dementia care. You know what constitutes abuse. You know neglect when you see it.

Remind me what mandatory reporting is? Even though your mother lives outside your jurisdiction so you're not legally bound by it, you should still know the ethics of the thing inside out.
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rlaffn Feb 2020
OUCH! You are 100% correct. I've always held one rule above all else with my patients: If that person was my family, would I treat them the same? The answer is always "yes". I've never dreamed of asking myself if my family was my patient would I treat them the same? I have treated my patients better than I am treating my Mama! Thank you Mouse, for your insight.
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You’ll have to seek guardianship if APS gets involved and your mother is removed from your brothers care. In this state the county will only become guardian as a last resort. So I wouldn’t worry about the county.
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rlaffn Feb 2020
I don't want government in our business. I am happy to be her guardian, as I am for my daughter. It is a huge responsibility to do what is best while respecting and being mindful of her wishes. Respect, dignity, love, hope and safety are what's really needed, right?
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I would call APS and ask for a "well visit". Tell them how your last visit went. Tell them you are willing to get guardianship. You just need someone to evaluate the situation.
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I guess I kind of get the "no Gov't in our business" except that we wouldn't have Social Security or Medicare without it.

Has your brother got funds to fight guardianship? Has he got access to your mother's money?

I would definitely call APS and ask THEM for the best route to guardianship. I cant see how a Guardian Ad Litem (the legal advocate who will be appointment for your mom) could possibly think that your brother would be a suitable guardian.

One more thing. You make several accusations against your brother taking possession of your parents' belongings. If these are things that your mom has told you, make sure they are verifiable. I've been told some extraordinary stories by my mom when she was first diagnosed with dementia, and I'm always glad that I didn't go in with verbal guns blazing to the first rehab she was in!
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rlaffn Feb 2020
I don't know brother's financial situation. I doubt it is solid. Mom gets Social Security only. I doubt it's substantial. Mom hasn't said anything about her stuff; brother has. He stated that after Pop died, before he and Mom moved to their current location he sent email or text to the "entire" family (meaning siblings and spouses and nephews) announcing that if anyone wanted anything of our parents, get it now. So far, 4 of us deny ever having gotten that announcement. Besides, Mom is alive!
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rlaffin,

Just read your profile. Wow, your life reads like a Hollywood movie. I love a story of survival and I have to tell you that you are one of the most spectacular survivors I have read about on this forum.

As far as your question goes, you have sought legal advice which is what I would have suggested. Unfortunately, legal fees are very expensive.

If I were you I would be very upset about how your brother is handling your mom. I’m so sorry that your mom is legally bound to him.

Considering the circumstances I wouldn’t hesitate to ask APS to investigate. Your mom deserves better and so do you and your other brother.

Cleary you are more qualified to handle her care. I am also sure that if at some point that you were unable to care for her that you would be more knowledgeable in selecting a suitable facility for her.

I wish you all the best.
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rlaffn Feb 2020
Thanks for reading the profile. I left out a bunch of stuff for the sake of brevity. I have been upset with my brother's behavior for a long time. I think he is selfish for not allowing me time with our Mom. Although, I am allowed to visit her. Either, I do 700 mile round trip in a day or I have to rent a room for the night. He lives just east of Rattler's Ass between Vegas and Death Valley. It's not a vacay destination. He tells me that I don't understand the situation and couldn't handle it. He completely discounts me as an intelligent professional when I have decades of experience. Damn it, she's my Mom too! Despite his mental illness, I know he loves Mom and is trying to cope. I didn't figure out, until after My Dad passed, how jealous and resentful he was of my career success. I held DPOA for healthcare for my parents for many years. Then on a doctor visit, the doc was very happy to have me do some intensive nursing care over several days at home to keep Dad out of the hospital. He gave me his home and cell number for any questions. The treatment went great and the doc was thrilled. That pissed off Dad and he yanked the DPOA. There is a long list of crappy stuff my Dad did to us. But I was blessed with a brain and heart that protected me from being hurt for most of my life. After my brother's divorce, he sort of lived with my folks while he was an interstate driver. He returned to school, got a PhD and a university job. He bought a house near school; my folks lost their house, so they lived with him. Dad died and Mom's memory worsened. She was self care until about 5 months ago. After our kids were grown, I learned of some horrifying things my brother did to his kids. He's done terrible things to other brother and me. If he suspects I called APS, God only knows what he'll do. I want all my ducks in a row, legally, before other brother and I confront him. I think he will be relieved after he gets over his mental distress. You know, he took ownership of every dish and stick of furniture from our folks. His garage and 3 rooms are stuffed and unusable. I strongly suspect that he took their sizable coin collection ( a good portion was mine) and dumped it in Coin Star! I had offered my folks to purchase the coins for more than a coin dealer. That's when they vanished. Thank you so much for letting me vent. Now how can I help you?
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How horrible for your mother! I’d pursue guardianship, checking on that price with other sources. It’s known to be expensive but that sounds high? Maybe your area. In the meantime I’d call APS today and tell them all you’ve heard and seen. Your mother is blessed to have you in her corner
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rlaffn Feb 2020
I'm daughter of 1930, too. In fact, Mom is 90 today. For the first time, she didn't know who I was when I called today. Today is my wonderful husband's birthday, as well. Instead of being sad about Mom, I'm going upstairs to show Hubby how much I love him. Oh boy, fun!
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If the county gets guardianship over your mom, you will have no say over where she is placed, you will not be privy to or kept in any loop regarding her finances, medical status, her life in general. You can continue your relationship as before (provided the guardian sees no reason to prevent it). Sorry, if you want to call the shots for your mom you and brother will need to pursue guardianship yourself. I wish you the best outcome for your mom in this painful situation!
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Given the facts that you’ve described, you won’t be comfortable until you fully investigate the possibility of legal guardianship.
Have you sought 2nd opinions regarding costs?
Have you considered the possibility of seeking state guardianship, if available?
Was he given POA because he’s the oldest, or for some other reason that you’re aware of?
Are you OBJECTIVELY documenting everything you observe? Notebook, hidden open microphone, video?
Has your younger brother observed enough to back up your claim(s) of questionable care?
Have you considered ANY alternatives to legal guardianship that you might be able to encourage (force) him to accept?
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worriedinCali Feb 2020
I would certainly hope he’s not secretly recording audio because if mom is in his state, it’s illegal and he won’t be able to use it as evidence.
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