My brother is refusing to fulfill his promise to our late mother. Advice?

Sushicam, you write that you're estranged with your brother, that you think it's sad because you were very close as children.

Please, if you have cut ties with each other over this - a "promise" made that, at the very least, is logistically extremely difficult and not very practical - then mend fences!

I totally agree with cutting toxic people from your life, and if this spreading of the ashes was just the straw that broke the camel's back, that's one thing. But to cut ties over ashes - ashes, for heaven's sake!! - I think that's quite an overreaction.

Whatever afterlife/paradise you might believe in - assuming you believe in any - do you really think your mom cares? Would YOU want to exist in eternity in a constant state of vexation over "promises" not kept after your death? Doesn't sound much like paradise to me, personally.

Life is just way too short to get worked up over this.

After this long, brother is not going to suddenly have a massive change of heart, and in the meantime, you aren't finding peace.

For many people, the scattering of cremains is just too 'final'. In a burial, there is a place to go and place flowers and think. I know my daddy's burial site is a sweet, quiet place.

My DH and I have elected to be cremated, we have the columbariums made (my best friend from HS has a 'side job' making caskets and columbariums. We will have these placed in a 'above ground' site, and the kids will buy a granite bench with our favorite quote engraved in it.

My oldest daughter is our executor and while she is not thrilled with our plans--she will carry them out.

My brother was cremated and his ashes split 6 ways. Mom had barely a 1/2 cup of them. They sat in a cheap cardboard box for years until my YB took them and disposed of them.

I know this may be hard on my kids--but in reality, probably not that much. They all know of our plans and if they have issues with them, they can say something now.

A lot of families kind of fracture after the death of a parent. I know my family will do so when mother dies. There's been so much bad blood over so many stupid things---Decide what's worthy of your 'stress' and deal with that.

Frankly, I really don't think your mom would be mad at you if you simply kept her ashes in a lovely urn. I don't think people take grudges along with them into the next life.

You are disappointed because your brother isn’t living up to your expectations of decency. He never will.

Take this journey for your mother. What you really want is her wishes fulfilled. You can make that happen without your brother. Your mom will be shining down on you.

Don’t involve neighbors or friends or relatives. You can handle this.

Many of us have siblings that behaved dishonorably. Sometimes those bad behaviors began and were evident while our parents were still living.

Don’t, for a minute, wish your mom knew the “truth” about your brother.

Two of my siblings started overtly financially predatory behavior at the end of my parents’ life. My mom and dad were aware and sadly recognized the greedy objectives. I wish my patents could have been shielded from this ugliness and emotional anguish. It may have shortened their lives.

You care enough for a crowd and that’s all that matters. Make the trip special for you. Take friends or family - or go alone - whatever would be most meaningful for you. Plan special stops and “treats” for yourself along the way, a route and itinerary designed to make you as joyful, happy and fulfilled, even though the purpose of the journey is somber.

Keep in mind that spreading ashes is legally viewed by authorities as “littering” - so be discreet. You cannot easily find someone to hire to scatter the ashes (like a hired pilot) for this reason also.

Do not maintain future contact with your brother. Anyone who tells you to “mend the fences” or “put family first” doesn’t prioritize your happiness and well being. They don’t have a family member like this and don’t have enough empathy to recognize how this could feel. You are putting family first.

Either right now, or in the future, block emails/texting/calls and all other communication from your brother. There is nothing healthy that can come from leaving these inroads to more disappointment open. Even “no communications” hurts. Take yourself out of the crosshairs that you have walked into. You will feel relief.

Don’t send your brother an update, or note, or any other communication as some forum participants have suggested. You don’t need his approval, or thanks, or more radio silence.

With one of my siblings, I left communication open for a few years, hoping for shreds of an apology, or thanks, a recognition of appreciation or regret—or kind words, or even holiday well wishes. I ended up with rants and insults, obnoxious boasts. a peppering of rude messages, etc. - some were “textbook” examples of mental illness, but nevertheless, hard to shake and thus, painful.

Blocking communication has set me free.

Leave the neighbors out of it.

Do you know any people who travel? Split ashes and ask them to scatter - your mom can see the world, so to speak.

Do you know anyone in the destinations your mom preferred? Split ashes and mail to them. Ask them to post on social media or send you picture.

Your brother may never have intended to carry out the promise. Perhaps just agreed with mom. Regardless why he hasn't done it, he hasn't. Why he is no longer talking to you is not clarified, but maybe things within the family went south after mom's death. No point in carrying it any further with him.

Sushicam: For all intents and purposes, I wouldn't involve the neighbors as it's none of their business.

Scatter her ashes where you think she would like.
Forget about your brother's promise.
The why of his refusal is unimportant.
What is important is you change your focus. Try to make peace with the fact that what was promised will not happen.
You could go to the airfield and hire a pilot that will help you do this. That is if you feel that it is so important that her ashes are scattered in this manner. Personally I would find a place that gave her pleasure, some place where she felt at peace.
Do know that most places have rigid restrictions about scattering ashes and it may not be legal. And land owners permission should be obtained before scattering ashes.
A quick google search I did find this.
Most states do not have laws prohibiting this, but federal law does prohibit dropping any objects that might injure people or harm property. Cremains themselves are not considered hazardous material, but for obvious safety reasons you should remove the ashes from their container before scattering them by air. (I find it amusing that they have to include this last bit!)

Let it go, please. Scatter them someplace pretty that she did or would like and that you may like to visit sometime. Then send him a note that it’s done. You will both feel relieved and your mom would probably prefer it if her ashes don’t cause a permanent rift. Be at peace.

Perhaps it has dawned on your brother that you can't just flit around the place dumping spoonfuls of cremains from a couple of hundred feet up onto people's land without so much as a by-your-leave. Someone may be having a picnic at the crucial moment, for example.

But quite why he can't just tell you that he regrets his rash promises to your late mother and you both need to rethink this thing I don't know. Do you?

After my MIL died, as my husband and I were cleaning out her house we found 4 urns, with names, of people whose ashes she had promised to spread. Although we did not know exactly what she had promised, we spread the ashes in places that we thought the deceased would appreciate--2 in the Atlantic Ocean, 1 in the Shenandoah mountains, and one in our chocolate garden (a bed in which all the plants either smell of chocolate or have chocolate hues). It took a few months because we fitted these in with trips we would take near the locations anyway. On the other hand it took very little extra time and it seemed like the decent thing to do out of respect for those who had died. We did not include anyone else in these final rites. Please leave the neighbors out of it and quit hounding your brother. Just take care of the remains in respect for your mother. It doesn't really matter what your brother's issues may be. If/when he wants to talk to you about them, he will. In the meantime, give it a rest and hope that you might reclaim some of the closeness you once had.

Many years ago, my friend's grandma wanted to be scattered over the Sierra Nevadas. They rented a plane, rolled grandma up in a long scarf, and when over the mountains, they opened the door and let the scarf dangle. Turns out the scarf wasn't long enough and the wind blew a bunch of ashes back in the plane. As he said, we vacuumed more of grandma up than got scattered.

I guess my point is just do it yourself. Funerals, scattering ashes, are for the living. The dead don't care anymore. Leave your brother and (god forbid) his neighbors alone. Stop the power play and just scatter them yourself.

Your brother for some reason doesn't care and does not want to do this. You have no closeness and nothing is going to make him do what he promises - this happens. If the relationship is non-existent, then YOU must take the ashes, perhaps with a small ceremony, and YOU scatter them. Your mother won't know but YOU will have peace. And as to your brother, perhaps you are better off without him - so go forward without him and make a new life for yourself.

Find another place and way to spread the ashes. Your brother has proved he’s not interested in doing this, accept this and move on. My parent’s wishes weren’t all honored, there were a few that just couldn’t happen and I’m at peace with that. We do the best we can. I hope you’ll move forward and be at peace about it

You could try your plan. Realistically, I don't think it will work. It might be easier to scatter your mom's ashes in one place she was fond of. Please get permission beforehand if it is not property that you own.

Scatter them yourself; let your brother know your mother's wishes were honored, which is the most important thing. Then she truly 'rests in peace' and you can go on with your life and your brother goes on with his as the matter is ended.

Do not involve neighbors or others in this. Please do the best you can to scatter your moms ashes yourself, in the best place you think of. Your brother has no intention of doing any he promised. That’s not right, however, that’s the way it is. You need to understand you (nor neighbors, nor anyone else) cannot make your brother be honorable.

You know what’s right…take care of it yourself and end this. Your mother will understand. Everyone will understand.

Do not involve other people in nagging your brother about your mother's ashes. Although it is disappointing to you, your brother does not have to scatter your mother's ashes, and you cannot make him do so by demanding it. Consider the places your mother would like her ashes to be. In the next months and years, whenever you have the opportunity, take trips of your own, ideally by car, that pass through places your mother wanted to be. Find times and locations in each place where you can bury some of your mother's ashes. Leave your brother out of it.

Please dont involve his neighbors. You are placing them in the middle and that's not fair.
If bro won't step up, mom either continues to sit on the shelf in your home, or you carry out her wishes and do it yourself. You might hire a private plane or scatter ashes as close to the areas that she wanted to be.
Perhaps he's not emotionally ready for this undertaking? Did he care for her and didn't receive help? So many questions so not sure why he doesnt carry out your moms wishes. So, guess it's up to you.

He may have agreed to this to comfort mom, but it's not realistic. I agree with other posters... if you can reach some of these places by car, take some of the ashes and scatter them yourself if you feel compelled. Do not involve neighbors and put them in an uncomfortable situation. I would be enraged if my brother involved our neighbors in our family business. My advice is to handle it yourself and/or let it go.

You are letting ashes come between the relationship you have with your brother? Make a plan to go to one of the spots chosen by your mom, invite your brother, specify time and date. Travel there yourself and get it done. Bro may or may not participate, accept it and get on with your life.

No do.not call the neighbors.

Neighbors idea is bad. Don't do it. Is this the only reason your brother isn't talking to you as it sounds like their are other issues. "Scattering the ashes" sounds like something that shouldn't be that big of a deal. You can hire a local pilot to do it. You could fly with a pilot and help. It wouldn't be a huge expense and after five years its obvious your brother has some reasons for not doing it. I'm reading into this, unfairly maybe, that there are much bigger family issues, even between you brother and your mother. Something else is going on here..scattering the ashes just can't be that difficult to accomplish. And personally, I don't like the idea of scattering someone's remains to become airborne. Maybe that's what your brother is having problems with or how to release the ashes cleanly from the plane. If I'm wrong about reading into this situation, after five years just have the ashes scattered and put this to rest.

I think sometimes people make unrealistic requests for this type of thing.
My younger brother asked his wife to spread his ashes at a private country club at a certain hole on the golf course of which he was never a member. Of course, she could never accomplish this.
Instead she took them to a cabin on a lake where they had spent a lot of happy times and spread them there.
Do something similar and let it go.
Your brother cannot make this happen.

Please let your brother off the hook and do not involve the neighbors. I think your brother told your Mom he would do this to comfort her. He is not interested in carrying out this plan.

take her ashes, to be honest just some. I have my Dads ashes and it is a lot. Scatter them in one or two places that are easily accessible to you and let this go. You need peace

once this is planned out invite your brother to come, he may or may not.

This is a terrible idea, scattering Moms ashes from a plane is an absurd promise and is not a hill to die on. Your brother has made it clear he doesn’t want to be involved and after five years it’s time to either give it up or do it yourself.

Put mom‘s ashes in the car and go to one of her favorite places, scatter and say goodbye and be done with it. Then put it behind you.

Easy peasy.

Hi Sushi,
Since a plane is no longer available, why not sprinkle them yourself, at least at one of the spots? I'm sure your mom wouldn't have minded since the spirit of the thing is kept.
It's petty to try to involve his neighbors in your family issues. I think you're more upset about his not communicating with you, than you are about the ashes. Let the thing with the ashes go--handle it yourself--and re-establish a relationship with your brother. I'd bet that if you asked your mom which would be more important to her she'd choose the relationship between you two.

Your brother obviously does not want to do it. You need to accept that. It's OK that her wishes are not going to be carried out. It's a bit much, IMHO. 5 different places from a plane? Pretty elaborate plan. He probably just said yes to be nice and not upset her.

Figure out what YOU want to do with her ashes. Make a plan and do it. Do not spend a lot of money on it.

Forgive your brother. And yourself. Let it go.

Promises made between deceased parents and their children are unfair and should not be made, and if made, should not be considered enforceable.

Your mother should not have imposed her request on one (or any) of her children, your brother should not have agreed, you should not feel compelled to expect your brother to do what was asked.

If the decision becomes yours, find a reasonably priced site where you can place the cremains in a niche, or a garden designated for that purpose, or rent the plain yourself.

Totally wrong to call his neighbors and rude.

You cannot force him to spread your mother's ashes and it would be 100% inappropriate for you to involve his neighbours.

You are going to have to take responsibility for compassionately disposing of her cremains.

When my ex husband's Uncle died, I was the person who picked up his cremains. No one in the family wanted to take on the responsibility of placing his cremains, but everyone had an opinion. Uncle Alan was in my closet from 2001 until 2015. In 2015 I brought him to one of the divorce mediation sessions and told the mediator that my ex was to take his Uncle home with him. I was no longer going to be held responsible for him.

I have no idea what happened to the cremains, it does not matter to me.

How would you go about contacting your brother's neighbors? It seems odd that you'd have their names & phone numbers or addresses to be able to do that..........
In any event, your brother is already refusing to speak to you as it is; if you were to try to humiliate him in this way, I can't imagine he'd be inclined to develop any warm feelings for you as a result. Who does such things??? Contacting his neighbor's is certainly NOT your only option in this matter!

You have your mother's ashes at your house; you also know her wishes as to where she'd like them scattered. Do it yourself or realize that the dead do not care about their bodily remains and what is done with them. When in spirit form, what difference does the prior body make?

I'm not sure you're looking for 'advice' as much as extracting your pound of flesh from your brother for him not speaking to you.

**This isn't a 'new account' nor is this the OPs first post. Sushicam has asked/answered 8 other posts on AgingCare in the past.

I will be very honest to say I don't believe this is a real post. We all have an opinion, and that's mine.
However, on the off chance it IS real, I'll use my opinion to tell you I think is despicable to draw other innocent victims into a fight that is one's own. Your fight with your brother may be sad, but bringing your deceased Mom into it in this manner to my mind is reprehensible.
Apparently you know where your brother lives well enough to know his neighbors? I can't imagine it would be then difficult to find out his own address. Do that and send a note that you will mail the ashes to him, but if he doesn't respond, or your mail returns, in 6 months you will yourself fulfill your Mom's wishes. Or HEY, how about just DOING that. With LOVE. With joy. In beauty.
Given you are a new poster, and THIS is what you bring to us, I cannot help but be convinced you're just trolling about. The New Year seems full of it. It can be fun, but it gets old quick.
Thomas Lynch, a famous poet and undertaker has an expression. "The dead don't care." And to my mind, they don't. If you are a believer then you must know your mother now has perfect understanding. If you, like me, are an atheist, then you KNOW she doesn't care. So why not leave your mother out of this, and seek counseling of ministry or medical to help your own obvious pain.
I wish you peace. I hope you will leave your brother (and his neighbors) to his own peace.