My brother just turned 45. He has ALWAYS lived with my mom and she has always supported him financially. He is a bad alcoholic! And once he's drunk he starts yelling, arguing, verbally abusive towards my mom. He breaks stuff and damages the walls. In March 2022 she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and has a very large tumor on her bladder that can't be removed. From the day she was diagnosed up until May 2024 she lived with me and my husband. At that time she was strong enough to go home which was her decision NOT mine, but I knew she missed her home. Her original day to go home turned into a visit due to the condition of her home. Trash everywhere. Floors never swept or mopped. 2 yrs of no cleaning at all. The bathroom was so gross I threw up. There was dog feces and urine everywhere from his dogs. Some of the feces had been there so long it was white and petrified. There's so much more but anyway we turned around left and visited a friend of hers and came back to my house. We got a few family members to go over and gut the house and clean. He was there the whole week it took them and joked around and never helped do anything. About 2 weeks after that I took her back. Me, my husband and my brother had a very long talk about the things that he couldn't be doing with her home (the yelling, the drinking etc.) and things he needed to be doing (CLEANING! ). He did good for about 2 months and its been hell since he decided to start drinking again. She won't let me do anything about it. I have been begging and pleading with her for a yr and half. Sometimes she will say to report him she can't take anymore and then when you say ok lets call she backs out, makes excuses for him. I want to report him RIGHT now! Last year! The day she went home! But I can't due to the fact she lives in a small country area on 250 acres and no neighbors. Her driveway is 1 mile long thru the woods. She terrified of what she would have to deal with once those people left after questioning him about abuse. I don't think he would physically harm her but he would definitely scream, curse, break stuff which will get her worked up and back in the hospital for an overnight stay. So I have had to basically go with the flow and walk on eggshells so nothing I said or did would cause him to argue with her once I left. It's VERY hard for me to stay calm and lately I'm barely able to hold it in. I have to cut visits short. I had a mental breakdown Dec. 7th, 2025, due the severe anxiety, stress and depression I had over all this. Also Feb. 26th, 2025, I had to kick my MIL's door in and help her, she had a massive heart attack, when I found her she was almost dead. Finding her like that truly traumatized me. Prior to this she was battling dementia which was getting worse and the attack pushed it into overdrive so moved in with her to take care of her as she was sent home on hospice once she recovered. My hubby stayed with her 24/7 and I did the running daily to our house to feed animals, all the grocery shopping, cleaning both homes etc. Between Feb 27th and April 18th my mother was hospitalized 3 times and I went to be with her. We lost my MIL May 23rd. She was my MIL for 28 yrs. and we were very close. This was a hard loss. Well yesterday my mother n I were texting about her trip to visit and halfway thru the conversation she said my brother came in her room and asked if could have a xanax and she said no cuz he was drinking and she was like laughing in disbelief like can you believe he thought I'd give him pills when he's drunk? Then she proceeds to say... I probbably just need to give him one cuz if I don't he just grabs one out of the bottle and tells me later. He also does that with my pain pills. I am at a total loss for words! Shes coming up to my house in a couple days to stay awhile. So now that I have written proof he steals her meds will he be arrested once we report it or let go? She knows he will destroy all her stuff if he don't get arrested or removed. Thank you for reading 💓
She is afraid of him and it's important that she knows that you will back her up if he is removed and gets the help he needs. Your first priority is to make sure that your mother is safe in all regards. Talk to an elder attorney etc in how to protect her assets And how to get more information about protecting her all the way around. I'm not really sure who to report this to but I probably would call the police but I know you're going to get more answers from people who are more familiar with this.
Take Good care of yourself and your mom and I wish you the best.
You should have reported this very dysfunctional situation years ago, by calling Adult Protective Services and let the chips fall where they may. I would call them while your mother is with you as she will feel much safer answering the questions they will have for her without your brother being there. But you must encourage her to be honest, as your mother deserves SO much better in her final years.
She is sadly an enabler with your brother and probably because she is afraid of him. But no one should have to live in fear, especially in their own home.
Something has to change and soon, so call APS and the police too, if APS feels it necessary.
Is there a way that you can get mom to stay with you? Maybe, calling the police is what he needs. If he is destroying property and trashing the home may require a restraining order. This may not work either because she may see him as her baby boy and not the grown and drunken tyrant he has become.