My bf and I have been together for 2 years and I am wondering if I should stay in this relationship, we do not live together. My bf's mother moved in with him over a year ago, she has never lived alone and always had someone else take care of things for her. She won't drive because of a car wreck YEARS ago (I was in a car wreck that caused my best friend to pass away and I almost died myself but yet I am driving again) and that is frustrating. She is hispanic and knows english but acts like she doesn't and therefore plays dumb a lot. She has diabetes but doesn't want to eat right, he has rushed her to the hospital three times now because of what she chose to eat. She has never worked and has her deceased husbands ss as income, which she likes to go gable away (at least twice a month). She won't exercise at all, not even go for a walk. She refuses to learn how to use her phone (can't even order food) and says it too hard to learn. I am frustarated because I have worked my but off to make sure my son doesn't have to take care of me later in life, I have been a single mom for that last 6 years and work two jobs, I also have exercised my entire life and eat healthy, so I have a hard time having respect for his mother. Am I just being a b***h about this, I was compassionate in the being but now feel like she is just taking advantage of the situation. Thank you in advance for any advice!
Is this, your Dad must have made a lot of money to receive 2400 a month in SS. My DH worked at least 40 years and receives 1500. I receive 750. His pension keeps us above water. SS is based on the last 35 yrs you work. Her husband has been gone 20 yrs. Depends on when he died and when she started collecting to how much she receives. Lets say they are both 50 and he dies. She cannot collect SS until she is 60 as a widow. She will not get 100% of his SS like if she had waited till 66/67 (depends on how old she is). At 62 you only get 75%. So now he has been dead 10 years. They go back 35 yrs and of that 35 yrs, he did not work 10. So her SS is based on earnings of 25 yrs not much money if he did not make a lot. If he was already collecting and she was at least 62,whether she worked or not, she would get half of his SS. So if he was getting 1500 she would get 750. (With me, my earnings were already half of my husbands. If he was getting 2000, I would get half, 1000) when this womans husband died her SS dropped off and she got her husbands. Others look at it as she keeps hers and gets the other half of her husbands. Which ever way you look at it, she gets 1500. Where I live, I can't rent a one bedroom apartment for much less than 1500. I could try to get a HUD apartment that would take 1/3 of my SS leaving me with 1000 a month. Which I may be able to live on very frugally. With the cost of food and things now, 1000 may not go far.
Yes she can get help but some of this help has limits. For heating you have to sign up way before winter. Like I said to Burnt, HUD limits the amount of people on it and sign up, in my State anyway, is 1x a year. Have you ever seen a form for food stamps, pages wanting everything about you and then u may get $15 or $20. Yes there is help but they don't make it easy to get it.
True there are only certain amounts available for housing and enegery assistance programs. That's why a person has to stay on top of things and make sure they apply early and have all the paperwork they need in order.
I'm sorry but there's really no excuse for the OP's boyfriend to have to do so much for his mother.
It sounds to me like she's just plain lazy. My friend's mother was like this. She often pulled the 'no comprede' English because she didn't like to make phone calls or be on hold or handle anything for herself.
Her English was fluent when she wanted something or when she'd overhear her daughter quietly making plans on the phone to go out.
My friend put her in touch with social services and she let them take over.
She wants to be in control of her own life even if unreasonable. Has your boyfriend thought of assisted living? If she has her S S only, she might be able to get Medicaid to pay for it. Get a landline phone. Write the phone number on the phone. We older people think cell phones are a curse. I assume she had a regular phone before she came to live with her son.? Write down all the numbers she might use for food, groceries, meds etc and ask to save some of her SS to use should she need to pay for something. Is she mobile? Give her one job, a small not too demanding one and tell her you and her son need her to do this to take some of the pressure off of you. You all need to sit down and communicate, calmly, with reasonable suggestions and tell her what you need. As far as herself, she is making the decision not to control her diabetes. As long as she realizes what could happen, there really is not any way to force her to do it. Just
have healthy food, and prepare what you have or giving her no choice, maybe cook one thing she really enjoys but not too much of it -no leftovers. Does she do any of the cooking? Are you giving money towards her care. If so, explain you can not do that anymore because you have kids and need your money for your family. No, you don't have to give up on your relationship unless your boyfriend refuses to confront his mother. Are you living in his house. His house so he certainly is within his rights to ask her to do some things if she is able. Does he expect you to take care of his mother. Nope, his job. You are not even married and have no obligation to be the caregiver for his mother. Any conversation needs to be led by your boyfriend. If he is not willing, then yes, maybe it is time to move on.
When I was younger I had one of the first cellphones, it was a size of a brick with a long antenna. Now that was easy to use and had great clarity. My next phone was a simple to use Flip. After that another simple to use flip with a sliding keyboard for texting. Oh how I wish I could find a new battery for it.
Now I have that gosh awful geared toward senior cellphone. Every time I pick up the thing, my palm hits the ALERT button and I have to scramble to cancel the Alert, if I try to pick up the phone some other way it slides out of my hand. Plus I can't get the font any larger then what is offered.
My Dad use to write software code, but eventually found he could no longer deal with new technology. It was so frustrating to him. Heavens, I use to teach how to use software, plus I was a beta tester for new real estate software.
Yes, we may know a few people who have no issues with today's technology, but are a lot more out there who are unable to use it. The majority of my cousins don't even own a computer or a iphone/smartphone. And most are college grads from long ago [in their 80's now].
Aging catches us at different levels. What you know how to use today you may find you cannot master with new technology ten years down the line.
Second, she will not live long enough if she is not taking care of her diabetes. I had 2 friends, one a juvenile diabetic who watched her diet and J who was not so good about it. My GF died of kidney failure caused by her diabetes at 63. In her 50s, she had a heart attack. Before she was 60 she had a leg removed up to her knee because sores on her feet would not heal and gangrene set in. She went on dialysis shortly after 60. Because of years of diabetes, her veins could not take reg dialysis. The one she went on was a last ditch effort. She was not able to use it in Hospice.
J, he had type two diabetes. He was overweight, lost a leg and was on dialysis. Voluntarily went off because it was just getting too much. If you don't know about dialysis its 3x a week 6 or 8 hrs each day. Both my friends died within 2 weeks of going off dialysis.
For this woman she will not live long because she does not care for herself. Untreated diabetes will cause blindness too. As she ages she will get worse and his care for her will increase. He has told you that he is his Moms caregiver and you have said you won't live with her. Now you need to make a decision. I know of 2 people who lived in their house and the B/F and GF lived in their's. Dated and traveled together. They liked the arrangements but they were in their 60s and had been married to deceased spouses for over 30 yrs. If you want to keep the relationship going knowing that Mom is #1 then no problem but I would not put your life on hold. If you end up marrying and living with them, you will find yourself caring for an entitled women and resenting it. I look at your situation differently. I see a man who is caring for his Mom. She cannot afford to live on her own. I think your discribing of her was to show that she does nothing for herself and why u can't live with her.
You seem to have been a very independent woman. Do not settle. Find a man that makes you a priority.
I personally know women who never worked and are on SSI which is not very much.
There is government subsidized housing for low-income people. There is Medicaid for those who can't pay for health insurance. There are food stamps and energy assistance programs that help with thinks like heating and electricity bills. Many times these people on SSI or collecting their spouse's SS also take part-time jobs paying cash.
Even when they don't, it's still possible to live on what SocialNorm's boyfriend's mother is getting from SS. She won't however be able to afford a live-in servant like the one (her son) she has already.
Say thank you for the 2 years. Take time for yourself. Then look for someone who is more available.
A man having a close relationship with his Mom is lovely. You may gain a wonderful MIL... But a man in a co-dependant relationship with his Mom is not good husband material.
Do you want a marriage with 3 people in it? Seems that's what is on offer here.
always choose someone who is available for a relationship.
Why would you feel you have to settle on someone who is not available, and who doesn't want to talk about it?
Keep in mind, it is usually the man who pursues the woman. Maybe you could dance away.....
Also, you have compared yourself and your lifestyle to her. Are you in competition with her?
Since you don't like this situation, don't like his mother, don't like that he puts her first, then move on.
This guy isn't available in the way that you want. You're young. You should go find someone else to date. The perfect guy is waiting for you out there.
You clearly are already afraid to fully commit to a marriage, as your responses tell us that you have already discussed this commitment with boyfriend; so again I have the feeling that nothing here will change at all, and you are left with your own decision for your own life. I surely do hope that you will come back with time, and let us know what decisions you have come to, and how you are doing. Best wishes to you again.
Some families accept this (the way some Asian families think that the DIL moves in to care for and be abused by the MIL. It's the expectation).
If you don't agree with this set-up, the move on. At least he's being honest with you.
When did your boyfriend's mother lose her husband? Some people can grieve for years. She lost the love of her life. As for the car wreck, yes that can have a major impact on someone's driving. I hate to drive, not because of a wreck, but because people now a days are too distracted while they are driving.
I use to be a gym rat for many decades but as I got older, I just can't do that anymore. Would love to go out walking, but the heat really bothers me now.
Wish I could be 46 again, I use to have a ton of energy back then. Now at 76, that ship has sailed, and that ship will be your future, too.
Have you and he discussed taking this relationship to a different, more committed level and what both of your expectations are if that happens?
Mom is family and you are a friend, probably with benefits. You are not married. Until you are at least discussing marriage, you should rank second.
I once dated a man who was distressed I made spending time at my nephews' ball games more important than dating opportunities with him. I told him the nephews were family and he was a friend IF that ever changed then my loyalties would adjust, but until then family would always come before friends.
When you begin discussing marriage, that would be the appropriate time to discuss placing mom in an assisted living where someone else could assist in monitoring mom's diabetes. But expect the son's loyalty to his mother to continue; he will probably always visit mom and care for her even if he turns her 24 hour care over to someone else. Do you really want a man who can discard an inconvenient family member to pursue a more pleasurable relationship easily? What happens if you are in a car accident with permanent injuries or get sick? Are you going to be the next discarded inconvenience?
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the FIRST time.”
Your bf has shown you.
His Mom has shown you.
Things will only get worse.
Take the advice of those who have gone before you, and get out NOW.
It will be hard, but just because something is hard, doesn’t mean it’s not the right thing to do.
DO NOT move in with him or get a place together. If you decide to keep going with him, the two of you need to have a serious talk. Will both of you be satisfied with the relationship as it is now without ever letting it move forward to eventually living together and marrying?
If both of you want more, then there has to be some plans made for his mother. Like moving her into senior housing or AL. He needs to know that you will not tolerate this 'mama's boy' crap indefinitely. Either some changes are made with mom and she moves out or you move on.
It's kind of him to care for her, but you need to take a GIANT step back and look at the situation with fresh eyes. Is this guy ever putting you first? If he isn't now, trust me, that will NOT change after marriage or even co-habiting.
I think you already know the answer.
So it's been this situation for just about half the time you've had a relationship. What does he say about it all? I know you've had many discussions, right?
I'm so glad that you don't live with him, and that you recognize that this isn't the best relationship for you. Since you're wondering if you should stay in the relationship, deep down you know the answer.
She could live for decades or drop dead in a month from poor self care. Only you can decide if you are willing to be second fiddle with your boyfriend for an unknown future.
Me, I would tell him that I wish him well but, I am not getting further involved in any triangulation with his mom. He is obviously a dutiful son and here's to hoping it works out with you and mommy.
You are to young to become a caregiver for a bf's mommy and you are to old to wait around to see if he grows a backbone or she drops dead.
This IS your business b/c it affects YOUR life and YOUR future with HIM. He's made his choice. Unless you want to live YOUR life with HIS mother, then get out now and find a man who doesn't live with his mother and who will put you first in his life.
I think it's all fine and well for a man TO love and care for his mom, don't get me wrong. But your b/f is enabling his mother to live an unhealthy lifestyle at his own expense and at the expense of a life with you. That's not okay, really.
You're not being a b***h about this, imo, b/c you've worked hard your whole life, taken care of yourself, and know what you want out of life, marriage and a future husband. This ain't it. Find someone who lives the kind of life you want to live yourself so both of you are on the same page moving in the same direction together. If you move in with this man and his mother, you know what lies ahead: aggravation and heartburn.
Best of luck.
Walk away, because you'll drive yourself and everyone else nuts being judgemental about someone else's life choices and how their family chooses to deal with that person.
If you wanna date him that’s ok, but be clear you both will be looking at options.
It honestly isn't your business what someone else does with her own life, nor whether she lives with her son or not. It IS YOUR BUSINESS what YOU do about that circumstance.
Your boyfriend's Mom is who she is. She is happy with the life she leads, or content enough. Your boyfriend has made his decisions about his Mom.
Now it is time for you to make your own decision. I am truly relieved that you don't live together. If this is this concerning to you NOW, can you imagine a life together with a man who has made the decisions he has about his Mom?
I wish you good luck. There may be other fish in the sea and there may not be, but were it me I would keep this lovely man as a friend, be supportive to him when I was able, stay out of his decisions, and move on with my life on my own.