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My mother (55yo) had open heart surgery to replace her mitral valve which had ruptured with an artificial valve. A couple of months ago she suffered a massive stroke which has left her bedridden, unable to speak or move on either side, and recently had to have a tube put in her stomach because she aspirates anything she attempts to swallow.
Doctors dont have much hope for recovery and expect her to live for 4-6 months at most. Because her case is very complicated, they suggested we admit her to palliative care/hospital. My grandmother (her mother), on the other hand, who only reached out to me a couple of weeks ago, is refusing this option and insists on admitting her somewhere where she can recover, even though the majority of recovery centers in our country refuse to admit her because her case is too complex. I am at a loss of what to do and my grandmother threatened a lawsuit if i go with dr’s suggestions. (Note, we are not in the US)
i am desperate on what to do… what would you do in my situation? I have nobody to talk to

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Do you have MPOA or anything that gives u the right to make decisions for ur Mom? Grandmom needs to talk to the doctors. Aspirating her food is serious because it causes pneumonia that can kill Mom. When it comes to feeding tubes, a lot of facilities do not want to deal with them because its extra work. Its got to be serious if doctors are requesting palliative care for a 55 yr old. If Mom is dying it would be cruel to try to keep her alive in the condition she is in. I would bet, this is not how Mom wants to be for years. She is probably praying that God takes her.

Who has more say in a parent's care in ur country, the adult child or the parents mother? I would have a doctor talk to grandmom. I would also tell her if she insists that Mom get care to make her better, then grandmom foots the bill.
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Ask yourself - if you were her what would you want done? Waking up everyday with a feeding tube, not getting out of bed. My mama and daddy had a clause in their will that no feeding tube was to be place in them. Same with me if I am so ill that there is no way of recovery no feeding tube is to be placed in me. Palliative care does not mean death it means assistance - in the U.S. it does. I chose palliative care for my mama and daddy, it helped a lot. Here in the U.S. next of kin is spouse then children then grandchildren then back to parents. I don't know if this helps in your case with your grandmother but here it helped me. You may need to seek an information session with an elder attorney in your country they can assist with those kinds of laws. I know when I had my sit down with my elder attorney I had one hour with him and could ask him anything in that hour for a flat fee. Yes death is hard but my biggest thing was to be next to the side of my mama and daddy as they left this life and went to the next. Blessings.
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Are you her health care Proxy ? She can't sue you . She could Become her daughters caretaker and take over But Not threaten you . if you were in the US I would definitely go the hospice route where you would be supported in decision making and not reprimanded . Doesnt sound Like she has Much Longer especially since she can't swallow . Palliative care sounds great . Please dont go the route of a feeding tube - it is Invasive and my Mom died of a heart attack after that Operation. Can your Mom communicate ?
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Sephira, I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation. And I'm sorry your mom is suffering from these medical crises at such a young age. Are there any legal documents that would indicate who can speak on behalf of your mother. If so, then that person will have the ability to give consent on behalf of your mother. That you mom is essentially herself trapped in her body without being able to speak, swallow, or move is an awful situation, especially if is is aware of what's going on around her. Your grandmother is probably acting out because she is terrified of losing her daughter. It's understandable, but she may not have any say in the medical decisions. To mollify your grandmother, you may want to seek a second opinion from another doctor regarding the chances of recovery and what recovery would look like. A law suit from your grandmother to stop palliative care seems a bit unlikely as you are not withholding care.

Good luck and seek therapy for yourself if you feel you need it. I wish your grandmother were more supportive of you at this difficult time.
Hugs to you.
(tynagh, 8/23/23)
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Where you live, whose decision is this to make? If the US, her mother would have no consideration in this decision.
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Ah the lawsuit threat that will go nowhere. Good luck with grandma actually finding a lawyer. Doctors have said it...no rehab will accept her. So mom will just continue to suffer a low quality of life. Keep her medical team informed on the family dynamic. They will help work towards getting this resolved.
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Speak with the doctor and ask for social services consult. Make it clear the interference of the mom on her daughter's behalf. You need to be appointed the temporary guardianship so you can manage your Mom's care. I am assuming you feel of age and capable enough of doing this.

I am so sorry. I think you would more recognize what your Mom wants and that the doctor would agree with you and do all he can to help. If however your Mom has her own mom as her MPOA then she will be making the decisions. I doubt they will make a lot of difference no matter what she does.

Again, this is tragic and I am so sorry.
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Because your mother is so young my first question to you is-- has the hospital started any physical therapy to help her regain some of what she lost? After a stroke especially at such a young age, PT, OT and speech therapy should already be in place and happening.
My late husband had a massive stroke at the age of 48 which left him paralyzed on his right side, unable to walk, talk, read and write, and he too needed a feeding tube initially until he could once again swallow on his own.
Once he was out of the woods so to speak, they immediately had him start his many therapies so he could try and regain some of what he lost. And because of his young age(and your mother's too) they felt he would regain at least some of it. He did relearn how to walk with a brace on his right leg, and learned how to dress himself and eat left handed as he was a right handed person. Plus his speech came back to where he could say short sentences, however he never could read or write again.
He lived to be 72 years old.
So my point with all that is to say--do you think the hospital where your mother is is doing absolutely everything in their power to help your mother get better, or have they just given up on her?
And if they haven't started any therapies why not? I personally feel that your mother is just way too young to throw in the towel at this point, and that she deserves a fair shot of getting better and getting the help she needs.
I wish you all well in deciding what is best for your mother.
God bless you.
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I think you need the advice of a lawyer because in the end it comes down to who has the legal right to make these decisions and whether or not you are willing to fight for them. Your mother's doctors and the hospital ethicist willingness to back you up (formally, in writing) may go a long way toward nullifying any law suit.
At issue:
How is the facility being paid for?
Are there even any that will accept her?
Would you be willing to give one of these places a try for a set time frame in order to compromise with your grandmother?
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