My 93-year-old mom is having anxiety about legal decisions she has made and now wants to change this situation. Please advise.

You can look at www.va.gov and search for obtaining military records, or,
Call MyVA311: 844-698-2311

Please stop worrying about your brothers. You cannot control your brothers. You cannot control how they react to anything regarding their mother with whom they have chosen to have whatever relationship they have with her.

What you do have control over is what you do to help your mother. It is not your place to inform your brothers about your mother's personal business. Period.

I think you need to have an attorney to protect you and your mother. And the attorney could prepare a Codicil taking your brother out of the situation. I would not mess with this - you need to look out for yourself and your brother. As to telling him, I am not sure but I think he would be happy to get out of being an executor. You could be named as such since you are doing it all anyway. Let time and circumstances dictate if you should or should not tell him. If you tell him, DO IT AFTER EVERYTHING IS COMPLETED AND YOU ARE IN CHARGE. Do not tell him anything before.

You mentioned in your reply that your mom lost everything when hurricane Katrina hit, I live in Texas and I know how devastating it was. If your mom does not have any military records, the first thing you will need to get your hand on is the DD-214, without this document no one in the military will even talk to you, so call the JAG office and see if they can direct you as to how you can get your hands on this document. Hopefully your mom an give you some vital information as to where and when the person entered the service and when they retired or date of discharge, once you have the DD-214 in hand, then the VA will talk to you, because without it, no one will start any processes.

Looks like with 36 answers it has been a slow day LOL. Telling the brothers is a personal decision and regardless of a war breaking out, imo, you mother is alert and capable. Therefore you as quickly as possible spend some time asking for referrals to a CERTIFIED elder law attorney and you both go in and get everything updated. If you share the plan not only will there be anger, they may attempt to say your mother doesn't know what she's doing and/or they will promise to do better/be different in the future. Your mother has a right to change things as she wishes. Try to find an attorney that will have a flat fee for a consult so you can ask all your questions, and then a flat fee for each item that must be updated/redone. Do not even think of doing this without a legal pro...it may be expensive but it will be more so down the line if not done taking all details into consideration. They will be able to advise you on future considerations and finances as well...

You mentioned you have medical poa, but do you also have financial poa? Maybe a visit to Elder Law Atty is necessary. If your mother is mobile, can she accompany you? Maybe the Attorney can come to your home? You need the important documents updated. Since mother has her name on Savings account, she can use it for what is necessary for her care. Medicaid shouldn’t be too difficult to get on if she doesn’t have too much $$$. You can’t control what the useless brother does or doesn’t do. Good luck & hugs 🤗

Looks like most answers on this forum are good sources for the many facets of information you need.
My two cents...This is strictly my opinion based on personal experience and acquired knowledge while having to care for my mother who has dementia alzeimers. My wife and I experienced a lot of legal challenges and collateral situation of my brother and his wife.
It boils down to this....tell mother, "ok mother let's get everything done with your will, setup of you finances, etc., everything you have wanted done...let's do it. "
Obtain a good reputible elder attorney with whom you and mother will walk through all the things she wants done. She seems very specific in what she wants. You can at this time inform your attorney of the many years of your mother's care and welfare. That sibling never have cared.
If she's mentally capable, then enquire about a POA to cover the areas of care and management needed. This will protect you and mother when you proceede to the next levels of her care. It will be a sound platform if for any time or reason you may need to combat siblings to possible petition for guardianship.
If mother has a significant nest egg of finances, your attorney can inform you of ways to protect this (trust funds) while positioning her to qualify for state funding for assisted living, etc.
There will be flak from family siblings, but the POA will reinforce your your stand and actions legally.
Speak with your attorney regarding all these things.
Also, listen carefully of what path he or she may suggest you take. Elder attorneys are very much aware and have experienced a lot regarding what elders specificly go through or what's done to them and what can been done to protect them and their caregivers.
Get moving right away!!!
Hope this helps.
Blessings

I haven't read all the comments, so I might be repeating. Have her funeral/burial arrangement be prepaid from the saving account. When Dad passed, he had already done this. Made that part so much easier.

Needhelpwithmom,

You actually have the upperhand here. If you've been caring for your mom for 14 years, you should be in control of her assets and medical. As suggested, take mom to the bank and have her open a new account and transfer funds from old account (leave 100 bucks in old acct.). Get a financial Durable POA, referably through an attorney. You're also entitled to Caregiver fees. If younger brother objects, tell him to take over as caregiver because you are worn out. You know he won't do it, but it might give him pause enough to go along with her wishes.

When my 97 year old mother also realized her two sons were no-shows, and that I was doing everything for her, on three separate occasions she told me she wanted me to have the bulk of her assets when she passed. She made me JTWROS of all her finances and I have DPOA. I will decline b/c she is no longer mentally competent. I don't want any court battles in the future.

We used Legal Zoom to update my Mom's will, named me as executor and POA, then filed those papers at the county clerk's office. You will need a VA attorney for Mom's benefits. They will help you with that. Legal Zoom was very helpful for us. As for telling your brothers, leave that part up to your mother to decide. They'll take it or leave it.

Yes you need a lawyer to change names on will, they will want to know the state of her mind.  But do it before time runs out.   I have to say this, funeral expenses will be paid first out of the estate and then the remainder should be divided among you and your brothers equally.  The lawyer can lay out the proper order and if your mom wishes something special, you must follow guidelines.  But you
really need to get POA and be the executor of her will. If you brothers contest the will as is, it will be a big fight.
When my mom passed I had POA but the will was old, didn't think about it, my
brothers didn't want anything to do with our mom's death.  So Sad.
It took 3+ months delay to finalize her will as my 3 brothers were listed also as
executors.  They each had to go to their bank and the bank sent to my bank that they signed off.  Yes my mom and dad were one of those poor seniors, There
was not much of a estate so my brothers didn't even come to the funeral.
So Sad again, later in life they will realize that they didn't say goodbye.
Do it now when your mom is still in good mind.  Get a senior based lawyer,
He can advise you best.

I disagree completely with the suggestion that you have her competence tested before making an appointment with an attorney. Your mother is hard of hearing and has Parkinson's disease. Her doctor gave you good advice. She is under his care and that's enough. Most attorneys are capable of determining whether or not their client is capable of understanding the papers they are signing.

When you're making the appointment with the lawyer, inform the secretary that your mother is hard of hearing and requires large print. I agree that you should let her consult with her attorney in private. Drive her to the appointment and go shopping or wait at a nearby cafe. Tell the secretary to call you when she's ready for pickup. That way, no one can ever accuse you of undue influence.

Your mother does not need to ask her sons for permission to change her will, her POA, or withdraw her money from her savings account in order for those funds to be available for her expenses. Use some of those funds to pay for the attorney.

After my MIL died, my husband made arrangements to purchase the spot next to hers for his dad. He negotiated a 0% interest monthly payment that's affordable. Maybe you can arrange something similar for her where your dad is buried.

My inlaws changed the executor of their wills without telling the former executor. The former executor's feathers were ruffled and so what? His parents changed their wills because their circumstances changed. No explanations needed.

As long as your mom is competent, she can make any changes she wishes. You mentioned Veterans Assistance, so I am assuming either your mom or dad served in the military, if this is the case, she can go to the JAG office on base and have her Will, DPOA, Medical POA and other documents done at no cost to her. The day my husband received his diagnosis of LBD, his Dr. told us to go ASAP to the JAG office and get everything in order, and we did. In case you aren't familiar with JAG, it stands for Judge Advocate General. I hope this will help you out since she won't incur any expenses for these services. When you call them, ask them what documents you may need to bring in, if memory serves me, I think my husband and I just needed to present our ID cards, I don't recall if we had to bring our Marriage License. Once you receive your documents, keep them in a safe place like a safety deposit box at a bank. Make yourself several copies of DPOA, Medical POA and Living Will, so if she is ever hospitalized, you will have them on hand, because I know every time my husband has been admitted to a Military Hospital, I am as for a cop of Medical POA.

Need, why doesn't you r mother pay for her funeral and burial now? That way it is taken care of and her funds can be used for her care. From what I have read here, prepared funeral costs are an allowed 'spend down' of assets.

The other benefit of pre paying for the funeral, is that it takes a load of work and stress off you when she does pass.

The first time I was involved with arranging for a funeral, it was my ex's uncle. It was a nightmare, not knowing what he wanted, I barely knew the old alcoholic, trying to support my former mil and my former bil being there, because he felt he had to but offering no support.

The second was when my step dad died last fall. He had prepaid, he had a folder with the hymns and songs he wanted, he had a verse prepared and more. I was able to be with Mum at the funeral home and church, and offer her support, but she did not have to make any decisions while coping with the death of her partner.

You have practically written a carbon copy of my life 5 years ago. If it it possible on this site, please look back at my questions of this group and read my questions, experiences, etc.
My thoughts are with you as you attempt to take care of your Mom with brothers who think "they know best", has "mom's best interest in mind", or "it's for mom's own good". If you hear ANYTHING like this from the voices of your bothers, RUN as fast as you can! Again, please read my story if it is still on this site from 2013-2015. I wish you the best. Kate

See an eldercare attorney--providing your mom is alert and oriented and knows what she is doing, your mom can "hire" you as her caregiver with a weekly, monthly, or an outright one-time payment with the agreement you care for her the rest of her life. A contract is written up like any other business arrangement. You WILL have to pay taxes on this so see a tax specialist and get a corporate account set up. This way nobody can get anything since she paid you for her caregiving. Your brother can't get what was paid to you as her employee. Get it?

Your eldercare attorney can do other things like do a ladybird quick deed to make sure after her death the house goes to you and avoids probate. The house is legally hers until death, so this is not considered "gifting". That's the key..nothing goes into probate. Eldercare attorneys are specialists in estate planning. They KNOW the State and Federal laws and do not attempt to do it on your own. The laws are very complex and tricky. I paid only a few hundred dollars to the lawyer and it saved me a considerable amount of money and headache.

One more thing...My dad's attorney advised him not to have a joint account with any of his children, but only list a beneficiary on each account. If one of us on a joint account were to be sued for any reason (car accident, etc.), that account could be frozen and drained with legal settlements and fees.

It sounds like your brother is a high-risk kinda guy, so yes, I would transfer all money to a new account(s) with beneficiary only. POA can have access to any/all accounts for the purpose of paying bills, etc., but the beneficiary cannot, unless s/he is also the POA. You do understand that once your mom passes, the POA is null and void and the EXECUTOR TAKES OVER?

Because my dad wanted to make sure I have something to help me financially after he passes, I am listed on his small investment portfolio as JT ROS (joint owner with right of survivorship). However, if his future care requires it, that could be drained.

Two things we learned from our elder law attorney in Arizona that I cannot stress enough:
1. No one should be joint on a bank account or any other financial account except as POA. It makes both parties responsible for the debts of the other. For example, if you are in a car accident and get sued, they can come after your mom's money. It may also affect Medicare spend down if you co-mingle funds.
2. The DPOA should be in effect NOW, not a springing POA that requires a doctor to determine incompetence. The lawyer said, "if you don't trust this person enough now to handle your finances, why would you trust them later?" Good point.

You really should consult a lawyer. The law may not be as straightforward as you may think. An experienced estate lawyer will think of things you may never have considered. He (or she) will have seen scenarios that may be concerns for your mom’s estate. And he will listen to you.

I admit that I used Legal Zoom for very simple wills for my husband and me, but we don’t have any kids, or any complicated assets to speak of. All the same, I’m still thinking of going to a lawyer to replace those wills. As a former lawyer (from decades ago), I don’t feel very confident about them. They were just a stopgap since my husband has an old existing will with his late wife-before-me, leaving things to nieces he hasn’t spoken in decades. (He doesn’t like to see lawyers either. He just assumes that his heirs on that will will simply “do the right thing.” Maybe they will, but people are funny about money.)

A good lawyer should be able to shepherd your mom through the process and give her (and you) peace of mind. It’s worth every cent. Good luck. Your mom is lucky to have you.

So sorry you are in this distressing situation. You've been getting some wonderful advice her. I was caregiver for my Mom who had a stroke for 3 years preceding her death and I was Director of Admissions for a LTC facility for 10 as well as being a Certified Assisted Living Adminstrator so I have had a bit of experience in this area of aging. I don't know what state you are in but this is the way it works in NJ:
Assisted Living Facilities (ALs) in NJ accept Medicaid but on a very limited basis;they are legally allowed to designate a small per centage of their "beds" as Medicaid beds. They usually require a period of "private pay" (maybe 2 years) before they will consider a resident for Medicaid but the question is will a Medicaid bed be available when you need it. It they have not guaranteed you a medicaid in your written contract, they can ask you to leave and at that point you would need to apply for a Nursing Home (NH ) placement. Medicaid in NJ takes a five year look back - no gifting allowed - and the spend down amount is to $2000. You are allowed to prepay funeral/burial cost but it must be irrevocable trust. If she can afford it and there is a good one in your area, you may want to visit the idea of her moving to a CCRC (Continuing Care Retirement Community). The upfront charge is significant but for that amount you are "buying" into the entire health spectrum from independent living to NH even though you are still required to pay a monthly fee for whatever level of care you are at.
As fast as possible,
1. Get a mental health assessment done. Check the internet to see what's required in your ( 1 MD or 2, doesn't it have to be geriatric specialist?).
2. get to see a certified (look for a list on the internet to make sure they are really certified!!) eldercare attorney in your area. They can give you advice tailored to your situation and to the way Medicaid operates in your state. also ask about the situation with the banks. Banks are notoriously rigorous about PoA status; many require that you use their PoA papers in addition to any other you may have. Make sure your PoA is Durable and not just a General one. Get the Will and Advance direction done quickly.
3. Start to research facilities (AL and NH) in your area. Start your search on medicare.gov but always visit (one than once and at different times of the day).

Yes, item 1 & 2 are going to cost money but believe it is well worth it.

My own feeling having witness this more times that I care to admit is that after you speak with the lawyer and have the assessment done is that your mother, perhaps in the presence of the attorney needs to advise your siblings of the change in status. Don't expect them to be happy about it but at least they can vent before your mother passes and maybe come to grips with the reality of the situation.

Good Luck, and God Bless. Many hugs to you and yours.

Yes, I think a lawyer is needed. I have read that getting a medically certified statement of mental competency would be wise as well if you anticipate any challenges to the changes.

As Myownlife stated previously, being left money in a will is a gift. It seems that every other advertisement these days says "you deserve blah blah blah"...no wonder this younger generation thinks they're entitled to something for doing nothing! However, that being said, YOU deserve something for your years of faithful care. I also agree on Snowquails advise on survivorship.

I understand that your mother needs your set of ears to hear and translate what the lawyer says. So does my dad. He had me write down and then type up the additions and changes he wanted in his existing will, as well as the questions he had for the attorney. I accompanied him to his appt with the attorney to help with clarification. After all of my dad's wishes were recorded by the attorney, it took a couple weeks to get the changes typed up and another appt made. At that appt, the attorney talked my dad through the revised will, got his approval, and I was required to leave the room while my dad signed the document in the presence of the attorney and two witnesses on his legal team.

Also, one of my brothers is financially well to do and told my dad specifically that he didn't need to be left any money. The attorney stated that fact in the will and included my brother's name to discourage contesting of the will after my dad passed.

Only you know the dynamics of your relationship with your brothers. Use your best judgment where they're concerned. I don't agree that you need to inform them of ANY changes to the will or any accounts until after all has been changed and settled. But the sooner you get it all done, the better! And I'm sure it will put mom at ease as well. All the best to you!

If this was me in your place, I would ask my mother if she wishes to talk to her sons before she talks to her lawyer. And if she does that get them to come over. otherwise just make an appointment with her lawyer and take her to the office. If the lawyer comes to the house even better. But I have one question, is your mother in sound mind? If the answer is yes don't stay with her when she makes these changes and then you will not be accused of having influenced her. If on the other hand she is starting to have problems with her memory you might have to discuss this with both her doctor and her lawyer. Good Luck

Get you rLawyer Involved and Take my Advice..My own family "Wrote me OFF" Behind my Back, It was just Whack..Let BRO KNOW and Good Luck and God Bless.xx

I don't know about Legal Zoom, but I would go to a "real" attorney that sees and speaks to your mother and knows her wishes. Yes, it will be more money, probably, but you can rest assured that you have another witness to the wishes of your mother. A will/living will/POA your mother signs today will override the previous ones. Your mother's financial accounts -- savings and checking accounts and annuities -- are not be covered under a will, as you probably know. She will have to deal directly with the bank and have those documents changed -- btw: the bank should have an individual who can come to your home to change financial forms. Best is to make you "co-owner" of the account, if you are not already, therefore granting you all the rights to the money when using it becomes necessary. Keep in mind, if your brother is listed as co-owner on any bank accounts your mother has, the only way to remove him is with his consent. To circumvent this, your mother could open another savings account and move money into that account and keep his name off of it. But she couldn't liquidate the account without his approval. Check with the bank to find out how the two of you are listed on the accounts.

If you are making decisions about your mothers money that will benefit yourself - You need to discuss it your siblings. You need to encourage your mother do so -- because someone other than yourself needs to know and understand what is happening with your mom. Your siblings could challenge any documents *like a will) after your mothers death as being gotten under undue influence if they percieve your mom as not competent. Finally, your mother is likely to die before you or your siblings and your relationship with them has to continue.

I think her plans are reasonable and there is no need to include the brothers, as they are not interested. They are just happy you are taking care of it. Put survivorship on everything (houses, annuities, stocks, bonds,accounts).. That way you don't have to go through probate. Put the money she wants to leave the brothers in a separate savings account with survivorship to them. Discover.com gives very good interest. Then they can just apply for it when the time comes. Put the rest in a account with suvivorship to you. You deserve the money. You are helping her, they are not.

Documents are tricky to make yourself. I made one for executor from a library book. Turned out by Florida law, the signature lines were reversed and I would now need a probate litigating attorney to argue it. Money was now trapped in her checking account that I needed for her expenses So I am letting it stay there for 3 years until it is turned over to the state's unclaimed funds.

As for living wills, hospitals want you to have them if they have a DAR (Do not resuscitate). Other wise they do what they want.

Wills are useless too unless you go into probate. But you don't want to do that because they will insist the money go equally to the three of you.

Do all this before she passes as your POA will have no standing afterwards.

my husband and I used LegalZoom for our legals. POV, DPO, Living Wills and our Wills. It was approximately $80 for all legals for us both. We did check out if it was accepted with the State laws (in my case Louisiana). And with the notary( because that’s all we needed to witness our signatures. It was approx. $70 for both of us). We have 5 kids and a house and vehicle and life insurance. We could call and ask LegalZoom any questions, then they put together our stuff on their end. We looked everything over and once our payment cleared, we were allowed to print all the documents. We looked over everything. I couldn’t believe how easy LegalZoom was and how polite and professional they are, and affordable! (I’m starting to sound like a commercial, lol :))
Hope this helped. And I’m sure , for an additional fee, the wills and other legals, can be amended. Good Luck!

What your Mom wants to do is her decision. She does not need to feel obligated to notify others. You are the one who is there for her and helping her. Because of that, know that neither of you owe explanations to others.

I am in a similar situation with mom of same age. Only I am the only living child. If Mom were able to do things on her own, there would be no reason for me to be involved with her legal papers including her will. But she is unable to do these things for herself, so, like you, I help her.

Now here is the kicker. No one, absolutely no one, is owed an explanation of any of your mother's legal affairs. With a will, my feeling (and this is how I was raised) is that if anything is left (money, property, etc.) to someone, that is a gift, NOT an entitlement. Anyone who is on the receiving end SHOULD be appreciative and grateful, NOT feeling as if they are owed something.

You are the responsible one, and acting as the extension of your mother carrying out her wishes. Please do not feel obligated to discuss with the others.

But DO have an attorney draw up the legal paperwork.

May I suggest that you prepay for your mothers funeral now. We just did this with my husband everything is paid for and locked in so if prices go up it will not effect us because we prepaid and he decided on what he wanted. One less thing you will have to worry about and mom can decide what she wants. I agree on savings account get brother off account